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MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE 


IN    THE 


METROPOLIS; 


BEING    TRUE    NARRATIVES   OF 


STRANGE   ADVENTURES   IN  NEW  YORK, 


STARTLING  FACTS  IN  CITY  LIFE. 


BY  A  REPORTER  OF  THE  NEW  YORK  PRESS. 


NEW    YOIIK: 
BURT,    UUTCIIINSON    &    ABBEY, 

(LATE  THATCHER  &  HUTCHINSON) 

523    (ST.  NICHOLAS  HOTEL)  BROADWAY. 

1859. 


is* 


EWTKKK»  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1859,  by 

THATCHER   &    HUTCHINSON. 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


, 


<V'.  H.  TINSOS,  Stereotyper  and  Fruiter, 
Rear  of  43»mid  45  Centre  street,  N.  Y. 


PREFACE: 


TWENTY-ONE  of  tlie  thirty-three  chapters  com- 
prising this  volume,  are  substantially  the  same .  as 
appeared  in  the  !N~ew  York  EVENING  POST-  during 
the  latter  part  of  1858  and  the  beginning  of  the 
present  year.  The  remaining  chapters  have  not 
before  been  published. 

The  numbers  which  appeared  in  the  EVENING 
POST  were  copied  into  some  of  the  best  papers  of 
the  country,  and  received  with  such  favor  that  the 
publishers  were  induced  to  present  them  in  the 
present  form. 

The  Author  would  feel  that  he  has  been  poorly 
remunerated  for  the*  great  labor  he  has  expended 
in  collecting  the  materials  for  this  book,  however 
rapid  or  extensive  might  be  its  sale,  if  it  were 
receiyed  as  a  work .  of  fiction ;  and  he  wishes  to 
state  distinctly  that  the  main  incidents  related  are 
real  occurrences.  The  last  chapter,  relating  to  a 
well-known  female,  is  strictly  true  in  every  parti- 
cular. 

If  any  one  doiTbts  that  matrimonial  offices  really 


wR41 58 


IV  PREFACE. 

exist,  or  that  matrimonial  advertisements  are 
common,  he  has  only  to  consult  the  adver- 
tising columns  of  the  New  York  Herald^  where 
he  will  find  abundant  evidence  of  the  fact. 

Many  of  the  characters  described  in  these  pages 
are  outcasts,  and  such  as  are  never  met  by  persons 
living  out  of  this  city,  nor  even  by  thousands  who 
reside  in  it.  The  pencil  of  his  friend,  Mr.  Thomas 
"Worth,  will  introduce  them  to  the  reader  better 
than  any  description. 

The  Author  takes  pleasure  in  referring  to  an  edi- 
torial article  in  the  Appendix  of  this  volume,  which 
appeared  in  the  EVENING  POST  of  February  14th, 
in  which  the  truth  of  his  statements  is  vindicated, 
and  his  services  in  collecting  the  facts  are  referred 
to  in  flattering  terms. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

A  Brief  Explanation, 11 

\ 
CHAPTER  II. 

Mrs.  Frost's  Matrimonial  Office — Brunettes  and  Blondes — Matrimony 
and  Hair  Dye — Grand  Chance  for  Speculation — Remarkable 
Faculty  for  Lying — A  Mechanic  in  a  Cold  Room — Hopes  de- 
ferred "  a  Few  Days," 13 

CHAPTER  III. 

Another  sudden  Frost  blights  the  Mechanic's  Hopes — Breaking  off 
Matches — How  and  Why  it  is  done — Spies — A  Stiff-Necked 
Israelite — Fictitious  Capital — An  Errand  and  a  Clerk  "  Done  " 
simultaneously — Correspondence — A  Chicago  Man  takes  a  Les- 
son in  the  Mutability  of  all  Human  Affairs,  etc., 19 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Mr.  Peter  Salmon  and  his  Affinities — His  Courtship  of  the  Hair- 
Dye  and  Perfumery  Widow — His  Present  of  a  Codfish,  and 
how  he  was  whipped  with  it — The  Stiff-necked  Israelite  aroused 
— A  Tragedy — Happy  Effects  of  Brandy, 30 

CHAPTER  Y. 

The  Memorable  Courtship  of  Herr  Altkopf—  A  Wedding  at  last — 
Coal  Dust  and  Lager  Bier — A  Mammoth  Infidel — A  sudden  and 
unwelcome  Apparition— Fearful  Battle  between  two  Husbands — 
Tragic  termination  of  Wedded  Libs 40 


VI  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VI. 

The  Exit  of  Mrs.  Frost ;  with  an  Afterpiece,  in  which  a  Mexican 
Heiress  appears,  and  there  is  an  Unlucky  Recognition — Henry 
William  Herbert's  Marriage— A  Watchful  Mother,  etc., 52 

CHAPTER  VII. 

A  Gentleman  from  the  Rural  Districts  in  a  Matrimonial  Office — 
His  Adventures  with  an  Actress — How  and  Why  she  Fainted  in 
His  Arms — A  Retreat, 61 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  Matrimonial  and  Patent  Medicine  Agency  of  Madame  Lebon — 
How  she  "  shows  the  Future  Husband  or  Wife,  and  makes  all 
Happy" — A  Novel  Manifestation  of  a  "Clairvoyant"— A  Flame 
with  the  Mercury  at  90°, 74 

CHAPTER  IX. 

"  A  dear  sweet  little  Opera  Singer " — A  South  Carolinian  in  a 
Matrimonial  Office,  and  in  Love — The  Broker's  Opinion  of 
Northern  and  Southern  Gentlemen— A  crusty  Father  forbids  the 
Bans — A  projected  Elopement,  and  a  highly  entertaining  Denoue- 
ment,    84 

CHAPTER  X. 

The  brief  but  conclusive  Experience  of  Paul  Pike,  Harness-maker, 
with  a  Matrimonial  Advertiser— He  meets  her  on  Union  Park — 
He  takes  a  Walk— He  stoops  to  pick  up  a  Gold  Watch,  and  is 
glad  to  pick  himself  up, 9Y 

CHAPTER  XI. 

Madame  Mar,  the  Phrenologist  and  Matrimonial  Agent — Her 
Account  of  Herself — How  she  becomes  another  Person — Dress- 
ing in  Men's  Clothing — Conquest  of  a  New  Orleans  Belle — Canes 
from  Washington's  Estate — Selling  a  Man  the  Chart  of  another 
Man's  Head— A  Sea  Captain  in  Search  of  a  Wife— He  is  sent  to 
Brooklyn — Results  of  his  Journey, 105 


CONTENTS.  Vll 

CHAPTER  XII. 

The  Captain  Re-visits  the  Scene— He  meets  Madame  Gore— He  is 
Reconciled— He  is  Introduced — The  Heartrending  Narrative  of 
Miss  Mary  Fillmore — Material  Aid— The  Captain  in  Love — A 
Wedding  on 'Ship-board,  but  no  Bride, 117 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

Singular  Matrimonial  Errand  of  a  Member  of  a  Popular  Brooklyn 
Church — Brokerage  applied  to  the  Next  World — Madame  Mar 
is  missed  from  the  accustomed  place — She  becomes  the  Escaped 
Wife  of  a  Mormon  Elder,. .  .  127 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

The  Gipsy  Palmist  and  her  "  Secret  for  Gaining  the  Affections  of 
the  Opposite  Sex  " — The  Experiments  of  Mr.  Samuel  Alley  there- 
with, .  .135 


CHAPTER  XV. 

A  Lame  Widow  on  the  look-out  for  a  Husband — She  applies  to  a 
Bleecker  street  Broker — The  versatile  Joseph — How  one  Ar- 
ticle may  serve-many  Uses — A  Wedding-day  is  appointed,  but  the 
Bridegroom  gets  into  the  Tombs, 150 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

Betty  Ballou,  and  her  "Menagerie"  at  Taylor's  Saloon — Seven 
Hopeful  Individuals  in  a  Row — Why  they  were  there  and  what 
came  of  It, 162 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

The  shrewd  Speculation  of  Mr.  John  Smith — How  Miss  Jane 
invested  $3,000 — How  Mr.  John  Smith  was  himself  speculated 
upon,  and  the  Wrath  which  it  excited, 171 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

Matrimonial  Office  in  Broadway — Robinson  the  Philanthropist — A 
„    Human  Rival  of   the  Long  Island  Mastodon— The  Trials  and 
Sufferings  of  Mr.  J.  W.  B.  Johnson — Letter  of  a  Matrimonial 
Broker — A  Peruvian  in  search  of  a  Wife — Effect  of  his  Applica- 
tion in  the  Rural  Districts, 184 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

How  Thomas  Dunn  was  done  Brown — He  encounters  an  English 
Widow  with  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  Sterling — He  leaves  his 
Likeness — What  Use  was  made  of  it, 195 

CHAPTER  XX. 

Adam,  Apple-Dealer,  keeps  an  Appointment — He  visits  the  Sanc- 
tuary— He  overhears  an  Important  Conversation — He  gets  ex- 
cited— He  knocks  a  Man  down  and  frightens  two  Ladies,  who 
raise  the  Cry  of  "Murder" — He  sees  a  Novel  Version  of  the 
Affair  in  the  Newspapers, 204 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

Mr.  Gillette's  Courtship  of  $50,000,  and  where  it  led  him— A 
Sentimental  Widow  quotes  Ingomar — An  Exciting  Chase  and  a 
more  Exciting  Meeting, 210 

CHAPTER  XXII. 

Entitled  "The  Wandering  Jew"— An  Adventure  in  Twelfth  street 
— The  Hero  mounts  to  the  Fourth  Floor,  and  finds  a  Girl  with 
exceeding  Red  Hair — A  Boy  with  a  Natural  Instinct  of  Jus- 
tice,   22Y 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

The  Second  Adventure  of  Mr.  Jew— He  goes  to  meet  Anna 
Barton — He  encounters  an  aggrieved  Husband — A  Battle  and 
numerous  Black  Eyes— Pursuit  by  Metropolitan  Police  Officers — 
Free  Lodgings  in  the  Station-House, 232 


CONTENTS.  IX 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

The  Concluding  Adventure  of  Mr.  Felix  Jew — He  goes  to  the 
Academy  of  Music,  and  gets  in  Love — A  Sick  Wife,  who  proves 
to  be  a  Myth— A  Cousin,  who  proves  to  belong  to  the  Peter  Funk 
Fraternity — Poem  of  a  Matrimonial  Candidate  which  led  to  Im- 
portant Results,  233 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

Mr.  Eli  Boyse  treats  his  Father-in-law  to  a  Champagne  Dinner  at 
Gosling's — He  subsequently  parts  with  his  Boots  :  The  Manner  of 
said  Parting  being  fully  set  forth. 249 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

An  Unmitigated  Scoundrel — How  Mr.  Montgomery  fell  in  with  an 
old  Acquaintance,  and  how  he  was  Flogged  by  a  Woman — How 
he  made  Love  to  a  Boston  Widow,  and  managed  to  get 
$1,000, ..254 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 

A  Brief  History  calculated  to  show  that  a  Man  is  liable  to  be 
Mistaken, 263 

CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

The  Trials  and  Triumphs  of  Mr.  Patrick  McGrath — Squatter  Sover- 
eignty in  New  York — The  Feud  of  the  O'Fynns  and  the  O'Dono- 
hues — How  Mrs.  O'Fynn  demolished  Doors — A  Demijohn  of 
Whisky  is  stolen — The  terrible  Engagement  to  which  it  led — 
The  Belligerents  cooled  off  with  boiling  Water — Another  Wed- 
ding,  270 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 

The  advantages  of  knowing  Gorman — Mr.  Black's  Adventure  with  a 
Maid  from  Faderland — A  very  fine  Scheme  is  discussed  in  his 
presence,  which  he  has  the  good  fortune  to  understand, ....  281 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

Physicians  and  their.  Love  Secrets — Dr.  Bland— His  Promises,  and 
how  they  are  fulfilled — How  to  become  Invisible — How  to  win  the 

1* 


X  CONTENTS. 

Obstinate,  etc.,  etc. — The   Mayor  stops  the  Doctor's  Letters — 
The  Doctor  is  Arrested— He  admits  that  he  is  a  Humbug,  . .  288 

CHAPTER   XXXI 

Madame  Hurst — Fortunes  of  a  Fortune-teller — A  successful  Ex- 
periment— Her  Opinion  of  her  Customers  and  of  her  Art, . .  301 

CHAPTER  XXXII. 

The  "  Matrimonial  Alliance  Bureau "  of  Clement  A.  Watson,  111 
South  Brooklyn — Some  original  Documents,  showing  the  Nodus 
Operandi  of  Matrimonial  Brokerage,  together  with  the  Corres- 
pondence and  Experience  of  Mr.  James  P.  Hope,  Lawyer,  and 
the  Conclusions  to  which  he  came, 308 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

A   NEW   AND    SINGULAR    CHAPTER   IN   THE    LIFE    OF   MRS    CUNNINGHAM 
BURDELL. 

She  visits  a  Matrimonial  Office  in  Forty-third  street — Is  introduced 
to  Mr.  Fitzgerald,  of  St.  Louis — Her  Appearance  and  Dress — 
Her  Opinion  of  Domestic  Peace  and  of  New  York  Ladies — She 
offers  to  find  a  Model  Wife — Her  Sentiments  on  Love,  Marriage 
and  Divorce — Is  a  Free-Lover — Mrs.  •  Willis,  the  Broker,  dis- 
courses of  Ghosts — She  relates  the  Wonderful  Story  of  a  Clock — 
Fitzgerald  makes  a  Remark  about  Dead  Men,  and  Cunningham 
gets  Nervous — An  Important  Confession  about  her  Marriage — 
She  tells  her  Age — She  offers  to  cure  Fitzgerald  of  a  Cold — 
Wants  him  to  go  and  drink  a  Punch  of  her  making— He  thinks 
of  the  Bloody  Work  in  Bond  street,  and  declines — She  accepts 
Five  Dollars  as  a  Slight  Token  of  Respect — She  Discourses  of 
Tfcjjjders  and  Executions — Is  opposed  to  Capital  Punishment — 
Denounces  the  Reporters  as  a  Meddlesome,  Lying  Set  of  Vul- 
tures— Her  Opinion  of  the  Tombs  as  a  Residence — A  Decisive 
Meeting — Cunningham  wants  a  Set  of  Furs — She  offers  to  take 
Charge  of  Fitzgerald's  Household  Affairs — Wants  him  to  take  a 
House  Up  Town — Mr.  Fitzgerald  attempts  to  get  away,  but  is 
seized  by  Cunningham  and  detained  by  Force — He  makes 
another  Present  and  gets  into  the  Hall,  which  is  Dark — He  finds 
himself  Locked  in — He  caUs  in  vain  to  be  released — He  gets  into 
the  Parlor,  resolved  to  smash  a  Window — Interesting  Denou- 
raent — Where  Mrs.  Cunningham  went  after  the  Meeting.  .  .  .  320 


MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 


CHAPTER   I. 

A     BRIEF     EXPLANATION. 

MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE,  or  professional  match- 
making, is  carried  on  in  New  York  under  multi- 
farious forms,  chiefly  through  the  agency  of  matri- 
monial offices. 

Matrimonial  offices  are,  professedly,  places  for 
matrimonial  candidates  to  form  acquaintances ;  or, 
as  it  is  expressed  in  an  advertisement  of  one  of 
these  establishments,  "  for  introducing  ladies  j&rl 
gentlemen  at  present  unknown  to  each  other,  who 
are  desirous  of  entering  into  matrimony." 

Thus:  Mr.  A.  wants  a  wife.  He  goes  to  the 
matrimonial  office,  registers  his  name,  describes  his 
personal  appearance,  his  circumstances,  habits  and 
tastes ;  also  the  kind  o£»woman  he  desires  to  marry. 


11 


12  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Miss  B.  wants  a  husband.  She  goes  to  tlie  office 
and  makes  a  similar  entry.  The  broker,  or  agent, 
with  a  large  "  assortment "  of  candidates  on  the 
books,  selects  and  introduces  such  as  seem  suited  to 
each  other,  charging  one  to  ten  dollars  as  a  registry 
anjj,  introcluction  fe.e,  .with  an  additional  charge  for 
ever j  ,Jmb§e'qti.£rit  Meeting  of  the  parties  at  the 
office.^  J£;igamderstop4.4hat  names  and  residences 
,  drfo1 ;  strictly  ijonfiil^ntiql;  and  are  never  to  be 
revealed  without  the  consent  of  the  person  inter- 
ested. 

The  theory  of  matrimonial  brokers  is,  that  cir- 
cumstances often  prevent  persons  meeting  a  suit- 
able companion,  and  that  by  availing  themselves 
of  the  brokerage  system,  they  may  escape  the  un- 
pleasant dilemma  of  remaining  single  or  marrying 
unhappily. 

.  But  since  "Wall  street,  the  great  centre  of  all 
brokerage  but  this,  has  its  peccadilloes,  it  need  not 
surprise  us  if  matrimonial  agents  do  sometimes 
vary  from  the  rectangular  rules  of  honesty,  and 
say  one  thing  when  they  actually  mean  another. 
How  their  practice  corresponds  jwith  their  theory, 
will  appear  from  the  chapters  which  follow. 


CIIAPTEE   II. 

Mrs.  Frost's  Matrimonial  Office — Brunettes  and  Blondes — Matrimony 
and  Hair  Dye — Grand  Chance  for  Speculation — Remarkable 
Faculty  for  Lying — A  Mechanic  in  a  Cold  Room — Hopes  de- 
ferred "  a  Few  Days." 

THE  matrimonial  brokerage  office  of  Mrs.  Frost 
was  originally  opened  in  Bleecker  street,  but  subse- 
quently removed  to  Fourth  street. 

Mrs.  Frost  is  a  lively  little  woman,  about  thirty 
years  old,  who  makes  no  great  professions  of 
honesty,  but  expresses  a  willingness  that  other 
people  shall  be  wholly  honest  if  they  choose, 
although  her  experience,  she  says,  has  convinced 
her  that  it  does  not  pay  very  well.  She  repre- 
sents herself  as  a  widow,  or  as  having  a  husband, 
as  the  occasion  seems  to  require.  "Sometimes," 
she  says,  "I  like  to  have  people  think  I  am  mar- 
ried ;  they  think  better  of  me  for  it,  and  it  is  to 
my  advantage.  But  sometimes  I  prefer  to  be  a 
widow."  In  the  first  instance  she  exhibits  a  mar- 
riage certificate,  which  she  keeps  on  "hand  for  the 
jvurpose,  and  holds  to  be  conclusive  evidence  that 

13 


li  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

she  lias  a  husband ;  in  the  second  case  she  stoutly 
denies  the  existence  of  such  a  being. 

She  claims  to  possess  full  information  concerning 
the  character  and  circumstances  of  all  the  persons 
on  her  list,  and  desires  to  have  her  recommendation 
of  a  candidate  taken  as  final  and  conclusive  evi- 
dence of  his  respectability.  We  are  sorry  to  say, 
however,  that  if  a  man  will  pay  this  scrupulous 
broker  with  sufficient  liberality,  he  can  be  intro- 
duced to  any  female  on  her  list,  even  if  she  knows 
less  of  him  and  the  truth  of  his  assertions  than  of 
the  accuracy  of  the  inscriptions  on  the  tombs  of 
the  Pharaohs.  He  need  not  even  give  any  name. 

"Blessed  is  he,"  saith  the  Book  of  Mormon, 
"  who  bloweth  his  own  horn ;  for  whoso  bloweth 
not  his  own  horn,  the  same  shall  not  be  bio  wed." 
Likewise  :  "Whoso  bloweth  his  own  horn,  the  same 
shall  be  blowed  with  a  vengeance." 

For  a  conspicuous  example  of  both  texts,  we 
refer  to  Madame  Frost.  She  perse veringly  adver- 
tised in  the  papers,  and  issued  circulars  setting 
forth  the  beauty  and  accomplishments  of  the  bru- 
nettes and  blondes,  with  sparkling  eyes,  and  rosy 
cheeks,  and  flowing  locks,  and  graceful  forms, 
whose  names  were  on  her  list. 

There  were  in  fact  some  very  pretty  girls  among 


A  WIDOW  WITH  A  KECIPE.  15 

these  hopeful  candidates  for  matrimony ;  but  as  a 
general  rule,  view  borrowed  enchantment  from  dis- 
tance. 

One  of  her  "  beauties "  was  a  widow,  over  fifty 
years  of  age,  of  immense  frame,  sharp,  ugly  fea- 
tures, and  as  garrulous  as  Xantippe.  She  was 
anxious  to  marry,  she  said,  for  two  reasons.  First, 
she  believed  with  Antoinette  Brown,  that  "  a  good 
husband  is  a  good  thing,"  and  thought  she  should 
be  happier  married  than  in  a  single  state.  But 
second,  and  chiefly,  she  had  a  recipe  for  making 
hair-dye  and  perfumery,  which  "excelled  any  in 
the  known  world  ;"  and  if  she  could  get  a  man 
with  sufficient  capital  to  set  up  in  the  business,  "  it 
would  be  the  making  of  both,"  as  well  as  the  hair- 
dye.  She  always  carried  a  bottle  of  the  perfumery 
with  her  upon  her  courtship  expeditions,  and  would 
expatiate  upon  its  merits  with  a  verbosity  excelling 
the  verbosity  of  the  vender  of  razor-strops.  She 
evidently  intended  so  to  impress  some  man  with  its 
value  that  he  would  take  her  for  the  sake  of  get- 
ting the  recipe.  But  as  human  hopes  are  transient 
as  the  colors  of  Iris,  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at, 
perhaps,  that  she  failed  in  this;  and  that  after  a 
great  number  of  fruitless  journeys  to  the  matri- 
monial office,  she  abandoned  it  in  despair. 


16  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Another  of  the  female  candidates  was  a  coarse 
German  woman,  who  wanted  a  husband  to  tend  bar, 
having  lost  her  former  one.,  who  was  a  "  sehr  guter 
Mann,"  about  two  months  previous  to  her  applica- 
tion to  Mrs.  Frost.  She  said,  when  he  was  alive 
to  tend  bar,  business  went  on  well ;  but  since  he 
died  she  had  missed  his  services  a  good  deal,  and 
wanted  to  supply  his  place. 

Mrs.  Frost  charged  five  dollars  for  an  introduc- 
tion to  one  of  these  beauties,  and  where  a  rich 
widow  was  involved,  wanted  more,  though  she 
would  take  even  less  than  five  dollars  if  she  could 
not  get  so  much.  The  fee  entitled  the  person  to 
one  introduction ;  another  introduction  involved  the 
necessity  of  another  fee. 

Mrs.  Frost  was  a  remarkable  liar.  Her  gift  in 
this  respect  might  excite  the  envy  of  all  students 
of  the  art.  She  would  lie,  not  with  hesitation  and 
blushes,  but  with  earnestness  and  fluency.  If  she 
found  herself  involved  in  the  tangled  web  which 
the  old  couplet  assures  us  the  deceiver  weaves,  she 
always  found  strength  sufficient  for  her  day,  and 
would  lie  herself  out  with  gusto  and  dexterity. 

The  man  who  refused  Mrs.  Frost's  demand  for 
money  was  her  enemy.  She  would  annoy  and  per- 
secute him  in  sundry  ways.  A  mechanic  who  had 


WAITING    IN  A  COLD   ROOM.  17 

few  acquaintances  in  the  city,  and  desired  a  wife, 
called  upon  Mrs.  Frost.  The  result  was  an  appoint- 
ment to  meet  a  female  at  the  office  at  a  given  time ; 
and  Mrs.  Frost  agreed  to  give  the  woman  notice 
and  secure  her  presence.  But  he  was  not  liberal 
enough  to  meet  the  wishes  of  the  virtuous  broker ; 
she,  therefore,  determined  upon  revenge,  and  did 
not  give  the  female  in  question  notice  of  his  ap- 
pointment. 

Punctual  to  the  hour,  the  expectant  mechanic 
was  at  the  house.  It  was  a  cold  day  in  February, 
and  he  was  shown  into  a  room  up-stairs  where  there 
was  no  fire,  Mrs.  Frost  assuring  him  that  the  lady 
would  arrive  in  a  few  minutes,  and  that  he  should 
see  her  in  the  parlor.  But  an  hour  passed  and  no 
one  came.  He  finally  grew  impatient,  and  rapped 
upon  the  landlady's  door.  She  again  took  him  to 
the  cold  room,  told  him  she  would  send  a  messen- 
ger after  the  lady  immediately,  and  that  if  he 
would  wait  a  few  minutes,  she  had  no-  doubt  he 
could  have  an  interview.  "  It  is  cold  up  there,  I 
know,"  she  added,  "  but  the  parlor  is  occupied  by 
another  couple,  at  present ;  they  will  leave  by  the 
time  she  comes,  however,  and  you  can  have  it." 

The  mechanic  returned  to  his  cheerless  quarters, 
and  the  landlady  went  back  to  the  fire,  to  ridicule 


18  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

liiui  and  laugh  at  the  deception  of  which  he  was 
the  unsuspecting  victim.  At  last,  after  another 
hour's  waiting,  he  lost  all  patience.  She  then  an- 
nounced that  the  messenger  had  returned,  and  that 
the  lady  had  been  taken  violently  ill,  but  would  be 
able  to  see  him  in  a  few  days.  So  the  mechanic's 
hopes  were  postponed 

"  A  few  days,  a  few  days,  a  few  days  longer." 


CHAPTEE    III. 

Another  sudden  Frost  blights  the  Mechanic's  Hopes — Breaking  off 
Matches — How  and  Why  it  is  done — Spies— A  Stiff-Xecked 
Israelite — Fictitious  Capital — An  Errand  and  a  Clerk  "  Done  " 
simultaneously — Correspondence — A  Chicago  Man  takes  a  Les- 
son in  the  Mutability  of  all  Human  Affairs,  etc. 

EVER  since  the  second  chapter,  the  verdant  me-  < 
chanic  has  been  left  waiting  in  a  cold'  room  for  his 
lady-love,  the  thermometer  meantime  contracting 
to  its  minimum  dimensions,  having  been  informed 
by  Mrs.  Frost  that  he  must  wait  "  a  few  days 
longer." 

Suspecting  nothing  of  the  trick  which  had  been 
practised  upon  him,  he  held  on  with  commendable 
pertinacity,  and  after  many  journeys  and  the  expen- 
diture of  nameless  drachmas,  succeeded  in  obtain- 
ing an  introduction.  He  made  rapid  progress  in 
his  courtship.  The  twain  seemed  to  be  on  what 
the  spiritualists  call  the  same  plane  and  in  coinci- . 
dent  spheres ;  and  it  was  agreed  that  at  their  next 
interview  they  should  exchange  addresses — after 
which,  he  expected  to  be  able  to  court  upon  his 


20  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

own  hook,  and  do  as  other  lovers  do — walk  up  to 
the  front  door  and  ring  the  bell  at  her  father's 
house. 

He  looked  anxiously  forward  for  the  time  of  meet- 
ing ;  and  when  it  arrived,  started  eagerly  for  the 
matrimonial  office,  singing  that  familiar  hymn  : 

"  0,  bliss !  more  blissful  for  the  clouds 
Which  did  obscure  thee  once  !" 

The  author  of  the  Pickwick  Papers,  with  that 
rare  sagacity  for  which  ho  is  distinguished,  has 
remarked  that  "  when  you  have  parted  with  a  man 
at  two  o'clock  in  the  morning  on  terms  of  the  ut- 
most good  fellowship,  and  he  meets  you  again  at 
half-past  nine,  and  greets  you  as  a  i  serpent,'  it  is 
not  unreasonable  to  conclude  that  something  of  an 
unpleasant  nature  has  happened  I" 

Our  mechanic  came  to  the  same  conclusion,  when, 
upon  reaching  Mrs.  Frost's  office,  and  inquiring  if 
the  "  gal "  had  arrived,  the  lively  little  broker  re- 
plied, "  No,  she  has  not,  and  will  not !  She  don't 
want  to  see  you  again  !"  Something  had  happened. 

"  Not  see  me  again !"  exclaimed  the  mechanic, 
starting  back,  very  much  like  a  man  rapped  on  the 
nose  with  a  mallet. 

"I'm  very  sorry,"  said  Mrs.  Frost,  "but  I  can't 


A   LOVER   PKOSTEATED.  21 

help  it ;  that's  what  she  said.  And,  between  you 
and  me,  she  is  rather  fickle.  I  think  she  liked  you 
well  enough,  but  she  don't  hold  her  mind  long. 
But  there  are  enough  others,  better  ones,  too,  that 
I  can  introduce  you  to." 

There  was  nothing  to  be  said.  The  smitten  and 
stricken  lover  could  not  go  and  throw  himself  at 
the  feet  of  his  cruel  mistress,  for  the  reason  that  he 
couldn't  find  his  mistress,  much  less  her  feet. 

Hence  we  do  view,  from  the  above  brief  tale, 
that  it  is  one  of  the  thirty-nine  articles  of  Mrs. 
Frost's  creed  to  blight  the  hopes,  undermine  the 
desires,  dislocate  the  plans,  and  prostrate  the  aspi- 
rations of  her  patrons.  If  the  mechanic  "and  his 
charmer  had  been  married,  there  was  nothing  more 
to  be  made  out  of %  them.  But  if  the  match  could 
be  broken  off,  the  mechanic  might  be  induced  to 
get  an  introduction  to  another  party,  in  which  case, 
of  course,  he  would  pay  another  fee ;  and  the  girl's 
name  would  still  be  retained  upon  the  list  among 
the  female  candidates — a  source  of  further  profit. 

In  this  instance  the  girl  was  as  anxious  for  the 
meeting  as  he,  but  she,  like  him,  had  been  told  by 
the  lively  and  little  Mrs.  Frost,  matrimonial  broker, 
that  the  mechanic  had  sent  word  he  should  not  be 
there ;  that  he  had  seen  another  girl  to  whom  he 


22  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

had  taken  a  greater  fancy,  and  did  not  wish  to  see 
her  again. 

"  Each  lover  thought  the  other  false." 

Breaking  off  matches,  if  there  is  any  prospect 
of  marriage,  is  a  regular  branch  of  the  business. 
Before  the  parties  have  exchanged  addresses  it  is 
easily  done,  but  afterwards  it  is  more  difficult.  In 
such  cases,  the  plan  of  the  broker  is  to  create  mu- 
tual distrust.  Vague  hints  are  at  first  thrown  out 
to  each  against  the  other,  although  with  professions 
of  the  sincerest  friendship. 

"  Where's  that  palace  whereinto  foul  things 
Sometimes  intrude  not  ?    Who  has  a  breast  so  pure, 
But  some  uncleanly  apprehensions 
Keep  leets  and  law-days,  and  in  sessions  sit 
With  meditations  lawful?" 

Such  was  the  substance,  if  not  the  form,  of  her 
hints.  She  possessed  the  power  of  insinuation  to  a 
remarkable  degree.  She  invariably  left  the  im- 
pression, on  such  occasions,  that  she  knew  more 
than  she  would  tell.  lago  never  understood  better 
that 

"  Dangerous  conceits  are  in  their  nature  poisons 
Which  at  the  first  are  scarce  found  to  distaste; 
But  with  a  little  act  upon  the  blood, 
Burn  like  the  mines  of  sulphur." 


UNKIND   CUTS.  23 

» 

She  did  not  herself  believe  it  possible,  she  would 
say  to  the  masculine  A. ;  but  she  had  lately  heard 
suspicious  things  whispered  about  the  virtue  of  the 
feminine  B.  Meantime,  the  B.  was  told  of  various 
unholy  things  which  rumor  had  whispered  concern- 
ing the  A.  If  she  was  listened  to,  her  insinuations 
gradually  assumed  a  more  definite  form,  and  finally 
ripened  into  the  hardest  accusations. 

The  A.  was  told  that  the  B.  was,  or  at  least  had 
been,  far  too  familiar  with  X.,  and  did  not  mean  to 
marry  A.  if  she  could  get  a  richer  man,  but  only 
encouraged  him  as  a  dernier  resort^  in  case  she 
failed  to  get  the  wealthy  but  as  yet  unsnared  Z. 

Miss  B.  was  told  that  Mr.  A.  was  a  rascal,  a  hum- 
bug and  a  libertine,  and  that  he  had  confessed  that 
he  never  had  any  intention  of  marrying  her;  that 
he  said  it  in  confidence,  but  she  was  determined 
not  to  allow  a  friend  for  whom  her  bosom  was  fired 
with  such  a  tender  and  Platonic  fiame,  to  be  im- 
posed upon,  especially  as  she  was,  in  part,  responsi- 
ble for  the  acquaintance;  all  of  which,  of  course, 
gave  Miss  B.  a  high  opinion  of  the  lively  and 
deceitful  little  Mrs.  F.,  and  inspired  her  with 
profound  gratitude  for  her  maternal  warning  and 
protection,  which  met  with  a  more  than  maternal 
success. 


24  MATBIMOXIAL   BROKERAGE* 

If  either  of  the  parties,  as  they  very  naturally 
would,  asked  why  they  were  ever  introduced  to  one 
so  unworthy,  Mrs.  Frost  was  ready  with  the  answer 
that  she  had  herself  been  deceived,  and  that  it  was 
only  by  an  accident  that  she  discovered  it.  But 
hearing  it  intimated  that  there  was  something 
wrong,  she  had  followed  up  the  rumor  and  ascer- 
tained the  truth. 

Indeed,  she  claimed  that  no  one  could  long  de- 
ceive her,  and  that  she  could  in  time  discover  the 
secrets  of  all  her  patrons.  And,  to  this  end,  ac- 
cording to  her  own  confession,  she  carried  on  a  sys- 
tem of  espionage,  and  tracked  her  customers  to 
every  part  of  the  city. 

There  was  a  young  Jew  in  her  house,  with  a  face 
as  square  as  a  die,  but  not  so  little,  who  seemed 
much  attached  to  her.  His  brains  were  as  muddy 
as  an  acre  of  the  Dismal  Swamp ;  but  the  wit  of 
this  stiff-necked  Israelite  would  sometimes  arise  and 
shine,  and  give  the  family  a  deal  of  trouble.  On 
such  occasions  he  would  go  off  on  a  spree,  spend  all 
the  money  he  could  lay  his  hands  on,  and  run  in 
debt  up  to  his  eyes.  He  once  carried  off  Mrs. 
Frost's  trunk — her  leather  trunk,  we  mean — worth 
twenty-five  dollars,  and  pawned  it  for  a  dollar  and 
a  half.  There  was  another  man,  less  seen  in  the 


DUTIFUL   SPIES.  25 

house,  whom  she  sometimes  called  her  husband — 
and  besides  these,  a  Scotch  girl,  any  or  all  of  whom 
she  sent  out  as  spies  upon  the  movements  of  her 
patrons. 

"  Little  did  Miss  B.  think,"  she  once  said,  when 
trying  to  break  up  a  fancied  attachment;  "  little  did 
Miss  B.  think,  when  she  met  that  man  on  the  cor- 
ner, from  whom  she  parted  here  the  other  evening, 
that  I  sent  a  man  out  at  the  side  door  to  watch  her. 
But  I  did)  and  she  met  the  man,  too,  and  I  can 
prove  it.  She  has  had  her  day  with  me :  she  de- 
ceived me  a  long  time,  but  now  I  know  her,  and  I 
shall  tell  her -never  to  set  foot  in  this  house  again 
the  very  next  time  she  comes." 

The  next  time  the  girl  came,  however,  she  was 
welcomed  as  warmly  as  ever,  and  told  any  amount 
of  wicked  things  which  Mr.  A.  had  said  and  done. 

Taking  lessons  with  docility  from  the  Parker 
Yeiii  Coal  Company,  who,  like  her,  anxious  to 
make  money  a  little  faster  than  in  the  legitimate 
course  of  business  was  possible,  a  few  years  since 
issued  some  millions  fictitious  stock,  not  to  mention 
the  more  recent  example  of  the  La  Crosse  and  Mil- 
waukie  Railroad  Company,  which  invested  in  a 
governor  and  State  legislature  on  a  speculation,  and 
issued  bonds  on  land  it  did  not  own,  Mrs.  Frost 

2 


26  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

does  business  on  fictitious  capital.  The  plan  of  pro- 
fessing to  send  a  messenger  or  to  go  herself  upon 
an  errand,  and  getting  pay,  without  sending  or 
going,  was  frequently  tried,  and  with  such  success 
as  to  become  a  regular  branch  of  trade. 

A  charmed  clerk  had  been  introduced  to  a  charm- 
ing little  female,  whom  he  wished  to  see  again ;  and 
Mrs.  Frost  promised  to  give  her  notice  and  secure 
her  presence  at  the  office  upon  a  given  day.  At 
the  specified  time  the  charmed  called ;  but  the 
charmer  was  not  there.  He  was  told  she  would 
soon  come ;  but  after  waiting  in  vain  a  long  time 
he  grew  impatient. 

"  It  is  strange,"  Mrs.  Frost  exclaimed — "  strange 
that  she  don't  come!  Look  a-here!  suppose  I  go 
up  and  find  out  if  there  was  not  some  mistake. 
I  am  sure  there  must  be ;  for  I  saw  her  this  very 
morning,  and  she  promised  certain  to  come." 

"  I  wish  you  would  go !"  eagerly  replied  the  smit- 
ten dispenser  of  tapes  and  muslins. 

"  I  will ;  but  you  see  I  must  ride.  They  charge 
fare  on  the  cars,  and  who  knows  how  many  custo- 
mers I  may  lose  by  going  ?  But  give  me  a  dollar, 
and  I'll  go." 

The  dollar  was  willingly  paid.  The  landlady 
went  out  of  the  room,  spent  an  hour  in  her  own  apart- 


A.  DOLLAR  FOE  A  LETTER.  27 

rnent,  reading  the  Anatomy  of  Melancholy,  and 
making  a  diagnosis  of  the  case  down  stairs,  and 
when  she  had  finished  a  chapter,  returned  with 
word  that  the  girl  could  not  come  that  day. 

The  clerk's  troubles  were  not  at  an  end ;  for  his 
credulity  was  not  yet  exhausted,  and  his  purse  not 
yet  empty;  and  while  faith  and  capital  held  out, 
Mrs.  Frost  held  on.  He  subsequently  saw  the  girl, 
and  made  another  appointment;  but  before  the 
time  for  the  meeting  arrived  she  was  taken  ill. 
She  wrote  him  a  note,  apologizing  for  her  absence, 
which  she  gave  to  Mrs.  Frost.  When  the  clerk 
called,  in  expectation  of  the  meeting,  he  was  told 
that  the  girl  was  sick,  but  the  fact  that  she  had 
written  him  a  letter  was  carefully  concealed. 

During  the  conversation,  Mrs.  Frost  magnified 
the  illness  of  the  young  woman  to  a  fearful  degree, ' 
expressed  fears  that  she  would  not  recover,  and 
finally  suggested  that  she  "  had  better  run  up  and 
see  how  she  was  getting  on.  Perhaps,"  she  added, 
"  the  lady  will  be  well  enough  to  write  to  you." 

The  disconsolate  clerk  gave  her  a  dollar  to  go 
on  the  errand;  she  withdrew  to  another  room, 
resumed  her  studies  of  the  Anatomy  of  Melan- 
choly, and  in  due  time  returned,  delivering  the 
letter  she  had  received  the  day  before. 


28  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

Correspondence  from  the  country  and  from  other 
cities,  was  a  source  of  revenue  to  Mrs.  Frost.  Her 
advertisements,  which  were  widely  scattered,  an- 
nounced that  the  business  could  be  done  by  corres- 
pondence ;  but  no  letter  would  receive  attention 
unless  a  fee  was  inclosed. 

When  a  letter  was  received,  she  replied  by  set- 
ting forth  the  advantages  of  the  matrimonial 
brokerage  system,  the  beauty  and  virtues  of  the 
numerous  female  candidates  upon  her  list,  and  by 
assuring  the  correspondent  that  scores  of  happy 
marriages  were  daily  brought  about  through  her 
agency. 

When  a  sufficient  fee  was  forwarded,  the  next 
thing  was  to  get  some  girl  to  correspond;  if  this 
could  not  be  done,  she  answered  the  letters  her- 
self, assuming  the  character  of  a  highly  accom- 
plished young  lady,  anxious  to  meet  a  congenial 
spirit. 

Generally,  however,  she  found  girls  enough 
ready  to  correspond  ;  and  not  unfrequently  she  had 
one  in  correspondence  with  half  a  dozen  or  more 
deluded  strangers  at  the  same  time,  each  of  whom 
was  made  to  believe  himself  the  sole  object  of 
interest  to  his  fair  but  unknown  correspondent. 

In  one  instance,  a  man  who  had  paid  liberally, 


LONG  JOURNEY  FOR  NOTHING.          29 

came  all  the  way  from  Chicago  to  see  a  young 
woman  with  whom  he  had  been  exchanging  very 
affectionate  letters,  for  three  or  four  months,  and 
with  whom,  as  he  supposed,  he  had  exchanged  like- 
nesses. Had  he  known  that  Mrs.  Frost  had  written 
all  the  letters  he  had  received,  and  that  the 
daguerreotype  which  was  sent  him  was  copied 
from  a  plate,  it  is  probable  he  would  not  have 
made  the  journey.  When  he  arrived  and  ad- 
dressed a  note  to  his  imaginary  sweetheart,  he 
received  one  in  reply  returning  his  picture,  and 
thanking  him  for  his  attentions,  but  declining,  "  for 
satisfactory  reasons,"  to  see  him ;  and  he  returned 
without  beholding  the  object  of  his  journey,  to 
ruminate  upon  the  fickle  nature  of  woman,  and 
convinced  of  the .  truth  of  the  old  political  song, 
that— 

"  Doubtful  things  are  mighty  unsartm." 


CHAPTER   IV. 

Mr.  Peter  Salmon  and  bis  Affinities — His  Courtship  of  the  Hair- 
Dye  and  Perfumery  Widow — His  Present  of  a  Codfish,  and 
how  he  was  whipped  with  it — The  Stiff-necked  Israelite  aroused 
— A  Tragedy — Happy  Effects  of  Brandy. 

PETEK  SALMON  had  in  view  the  eternal  litness  of 
things,  when  he  hired  out  to  the  keeper  of  a  fish 
market.  By  any  other  name,  however,  he  would 
have  srnelled  as  sweet;  for  he  carried  in  his  gar- 
ments the  fishy  odor — ranker  and  smelling  further 
than  the  fish  themselves — an  odor,  in  the  language 
of  the  ancient  writer,  more  than  codfish,  more  than 
mackerel,  more  than  shad,  but  something  com- 
pounded of  all  these  odors,  and  in  itself  more  than 
odor ;  sed  potlus  commune  quoddam  ex  omnibus,  et 
plus  quam  polecat. 

In  his  person,  too,  it  was  observed,  Mr.  Salmon 
bore  a  strong. resemblance-  to  the  finny  tribes,  as 
any  person  in  ten  might  have  seen  who  has  visited 
Barnum's  Museum,  and  "knows  what  an  aquaria 
is."  His  long,  lank  body  was  as  straight  as  an  eel 


SALMON   GETS   AN   IDEA.  31 

Stretched  out  straight ;  his  shirt,  checked  with 
small  red  spots,  was  singularly  like  a  trout's  belly ; 
his  short,  broad  hands  resembled  the  tail  of  a  cod- 
fish;  his  round  eyes  were  not  unlike  a  crab's ;  and, 
we  regret  to  say,  his  habits  were  those  of  a  sucker. 
Here,  unfortunately,  his  affinities  with  the  sub- 
marine inhabitants  cease  ;  for  water  was  more 
out  of  his  element  in  him  that  any  other  potable 
fluid. 

Like  too  many  young  men,  Mr.  Salmon  got  sick 
of  his  calling.  "  Anything  but  the  fish  business !" 
became  his  habitual  remark.  Hence,  although  his 
literary  acquirements  were  none  of  the  best,  he 
fell  into  a  habit  of  reading  the  "wants"  in  the 
papers,  and  in  this  manner  one  morning  stum- 
bled upon  the  matrimonial  advertisement  of  Mrs. 
Frost. 

Novelty  has  a  charm  for  young  and  tender 
minds ;  and  although  Mr.  Salmon  was  only  thirty 
years  of  age  at  the  time,  he  began  to  think  of  mar- 
riage, and  grasped  at  the  chances  offered  in  the 
advertisement  as  eagerly  as  spry  terriers  spring  at 
the  vanishing  tails  of  sprier  rats. 

"Who  knows,"  such  was  his  soliloquy,  "who 
knows  but  I  may  strike  on  some  rich  widder,  and 
get,  out  o'  the  fish  business  ?" 


32  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"With  tliese  views  lie  went  to  the-  matrimonial 
office  one  evening,  and  was  soon  inspired  by  Mrs. 
Frost  with  the  liveliest  anticipations  of  immediate 
matrimony  and  money.  He  paid  his  fee  of  five 
dollars,  but  declined  making  any  entry  in  the  book, 
partly  because  he  did  not  wish  to  commit  himself 
too  soon,  and  chiefly  because  his  chirographic 
accomplishments  scarcely  warranted  the  undertak- 
ing. He  had,  in  fact,  like  the  Roman  Catholic 
archbishop,  a  habit  of  writing  his  signature  with  a 
cross.  Unlike  the  prelate,  however,  he  did  not  add 
his  patronymic. 

Mrs.  Frost  recommended  to  Mr.  Salmon  the 
widow  with  the  recipe  for  hair-dye  and  per- 
fumery, mentioned  in  the  .  second  chapter.  By 
adding  largely  to  her  personal  attractions,  subtract- 
ing fifteen  years  from  her  age,  and  multiplying  her 
virtues  with  great  earnestness,  Mrs.  Frost  drew  a 
picture  of  the  widow  which  completely  captivated 
the  simple  mind  of  the  piscatory  Salmon.  He 
engaged  to  meet  her  the  next  evening,  and  Mrs. 
Frost  engaged  to  let  her  of  the  hair-dye  know  all 
about  his  yearnings. 

Mr.  Salmon  could  not  sleep  that  night.  He  was 
tossed  upon  his  bed  with  a  multitude  of  pleasant 
emotions;  and  so  sure  was  he  of  success  that  he 


SALMON   IN   HIGH   SPIRITS.  33 

assumed  many  unusual  airs  in  the  market  next  day. 
lie  was  impudent  to  his  employer — impudent  to 
customers,  and  knocked  down  a  small  boy  who 
offended  him.  At  one  time  he  fell  into  a 
reverie,  "  Who  knows  ! — this  may  be  my  last 
day  in  the  fish  business — marry  the  widow — set 
up  a  hair-dye  and  perfumery  shop  in  Broadway 
— have  nothing  to  do  but  dress  like  a  gentleman 
— stand  behind  the  counter  and  take  in  the 
cash!" 

During  this  reverie  several  customers  passed  on 
to  other  stands,  in  consequence  of  his  neglect. 
Observing  this,  his  employer  reproved  him  ;  where- 
upon he  told  that  worthy  gentleman  to  "  go  to  brim- 
stone," and  uttered  a  fearful  malediction  upon  the 
fish  business. 

As  night  came  in,  Mr.  Salmon  went  out;  not, 
however,  until  he  had  done  up  a  nice  codfish  and 
some  smaller  fry,  as  a  slight  token  of  his  gratitude 
and  devotion  to  Mrs.  Frost,  who  was  doing  him 
such  essential  service.  These  she  accepted,  with 
many  appropriate  acknowledgments  and  compli- 
ments, saying,  among  other  things,  that  he  deserved 
the  best  woman  in  the  United  States. 

Mr.  Salmon  found  her  of  the  hair-dye  awaiting 
him  in  the  parlor,  and  was  introduced. 

2* 


34  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

• 

Now  Mr.  Salmon's  prejudices  in  regard  to  what 
a  woman  should  be,  were  as  strong  as  his  habitual 
odor.  In  his  estimation  it  was  woman's  duty  to 
remain  silent  in  the  presence  of  man,  and  never  to 
speak  unless  spoken  to.  Silence,  in  his  opinion, 
was  woman's  crowning  virtue  ;  but  silence  with  the 
lady  of  the  hair-dye  was  a  virtue  in  which  she  was 
deficient  to  a  remarkable  degree.  Poor  Mr.  Sal- 
mon had  framed  many  pretty  speeches  in  his  mind, 
all  for  her  benefit ;  but  he  had  no  chance  to  deliver 
them ;  it  was  as  easy  to  drive  a  horse  and  dray 
through  Niagara  as  to  break  into  her  interminable 
sentences. 

So  disgusted  was  Mr.  Salmon  with  the  widow's 
gift  of  tongue,  that  he  inwardly  uttered  an  excla- 
mation of  praise  and  thanksgiving  when  she  arose 
to  depart.  Although  she  talked  incessantly  while 
putting  on  her  hat  and  shawl,  talked  while  he 
attended  her  to  the  door,  and  talked  standing  in  the 
door,  and  talked  with  her  hand  upon  the  knob,  he 
saw  a  prospect  of  being  relieved  from  the  intolera- 
ble persecution.  No  sooner  was  she  out  of  doors 
than  he  rushed  frantically  into  the  kitchen  (which 
was  also  the  sitting-room),  and  opened  a  furious 
tirade  upon  Mrs.  Frost,  for  having  introduced  him 
to  such  a  "  hag  of  Bedlam." 


THE   ISRAELITE   GETS   DRUNK.  35 

Mrs.  Frost,  with  all  her  virtues,  was  not  remark- 
ble  for  patience ;  and,  not  being  in  the  best  of 
humor  went  off  like  a  torpedo. 

Now,  it  so  happened  that  the  stiff-necked  Israel- 
ite of  the  square  face,  mentioned  and  described  in 
our  last  chapter,  had  that  evening  been  down  to  a 
newspaper  office  with  a  matrimonial  advertisement, 
for  the  insertion  of  which  he  paid  out  of  a  $1  bill, 
with  which  he  had  been  injudiciously  intrusted, 
and  appropriating  the  remaining  half  dollar  to  his 
own  unrighteous  uses,  had  returned  home  as  drunk 
as  four  shillings'  worth  of  bad  gin  and  brandy  could 
make  him. 

When  Mr.  Salmon  commenced  his  onslaught 
upon  Mrs.  Frost,  the  Israelite  sat  in  one  corner  of 
the  room,  with  his  feet  on  the  table  and  his  head 
drooping  upon  his  bosom,  as  if  in  profound  medita- 
tion. He  at  first  paid  little  attention  to  the  fierce 
war  of  words,  but  finally  awoke  to  a  partial  reali- 
zation of  what  was  passing. 

"•Pay  me  back  my  five  dollars !"  said  Mr.  Sal- 
mon. 

"  I  shan't  do  it !"  said  Mrs.  Frost.  "  I  agreed  to 
introduce  you  and  I  did  introduce  you.  You 
wanted  to  see  this  one,  and  if  you  don't  like  her  it's 
none  of  my  fish !" 


36  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

The  allusion  to  fish  was  unfortunate.  It  remind- 
ed Mr.  Salmon  of  the  friendly  holocaust  he  brought 
under  his  arm  on  that  memorable  evening. 

"You'd  better  talk  of  fish!"  he  fairly  roared  in 
reply.  "  "Where's  the  cod  and  mackerel  I  gave" 
you !  Five  dollars  wasn't  enough,  I  suppose.  Give 
me  back  my  fish !" 

"  I  shan't  do  that  neither !"  said  Mrs.  Frost. 
"  You  want  me  to  do  your  work  for  nothing,  and 
then  abuse  me  for  it.  You  can  take  your  hat  and 
march  just  as  soon  as  you  please !" 

"  I'll  have  my  fish  before  I  go !"  said  the  indig- 
nant and  highly-flavored  Salmon. 

"  Then  you'll  wait  till  doomsday !"  replied  the 
lively  and  no  less  indignant  little  Frost. 

"  Give  me  my  fish !"  shouted  Mr.  Salmon. 

The  stiff-necked  Israelite  was  now  thoroughly 
awake.  He  rushed  to  the  cupboard,  and  seizing 
the  codfish  by  the  tail,  swung  it  over  his  head  in 
mortal  defiance,  crying  out  to  the  astonished 
Salmon : 

"There's  your  fish! — take  your  fish  and  be 
d d  to  you !" 

Saying  which  he  fell  upon  the  now  petrified  Sal- 
mon and  gave  him  a  broadside  of  codfish  "upon  the 
chops,  which  brought  him  to  the  earth. 


SALMON   RESTORED   TO   REASON.  37 

"Don't  don't!  Luke!  don't  1"  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Frost,  throwing  herself  between  the  fiery  Israelite 
and  his  victim.  But  it  was  of  no  avail.  The  wrath- 
ful Luke  plied  the  codfish  to  the  body  of  the  pros- 
trate Salmon,  until  it  (the  codfish)  lay  scattered 
about  the  floor  in  a  thousand  fragments;  after 
which  he  quietly  resumed  his  former  meditative 
posture.  Mr.  Salmon  was — 

"  vanquished,  but  unsubdued." 

No  sooner  had  Luke  resumed  his  seat,  than  his 
senses,  stupefied  by  the  sudden  application  of  the 
homoeopathic  principle  of  "  Similia  similibus  curan- 
tur"  came  back  with  all  their  accustomed  brilliancy. 
He  squared  off  in  front  of  his  antagonist  and  de- 
manded satisfaction,  instead  of  salmon,  but  receiv- 
ing no  answer,  was  about  to  take  summary  ven- 
geance, when  Mrs.  Frost  interfered  and  begged  a 
truce. 

Mr.  Salmon  declared  that  one  of  two  things 
would  happen.  He  would  either  flog  the  Israelite 
then  and  there,  until  no  bone  should  remain  in  his 
body  unbroken,  or  he  would  go  directly  to  the  po- 
lice office  and  have  him  arrested  for  assault  and  bat- 
tery. 

Mrs.  Frost  was  perplexed.     Luke  was  a  favorite, 


38  MATRIMONIAL    BKOKEKAGE. 

and  the  idea  of  seeing  him  flogged  before  her  eyes 
was  intolerable ;  a  complaint  before  a  police  magis- 
trate, an  arrest  and  a  trial  were  equally  so. 

Something  must  be  done,  and  the  lively  little 
woman  tried  the  power  of  persuasion.  She  was 
very  sorry  for  what  had  happened;  Luke  was 
drunk,  or  he  never  would  have  acted  so;  the 
woman  with  the  hair-dye  had  deceived  her — never 
before  was  heard  to  talk  so ;  she  would  introduce 
him  to  another  girl  without  charging  him  a  cent, 
etc.,  etc. 

Salmon  was  inexorable, 

"  With  death-shot  glowing  iu  his  fiery  hands, 
And  eye  that  scorcheth  all  it  glares  upon ! 
Restless  it  rolls — now  fixed,  and  now,  anon, 
Flashing  afar ;  and  at  his  iron  feet 
Destruction  cowers  to  mark  what  deeds  are  done  P 

He  was  about  to  plant  one  of  the  "  iron  feet'7 
aforesaid  into  the  ribs  of  the  Israelite,  when  Mrs. 
Frost  hit  upon  an  expedient.  She  slipped  a  fifty 
cent  piece  into  Luke's  hand,  and  the  shining  coin 
wrought  like  magic  upon  his  muddy  wits.  Much 
quicker  than  Mr.  Salmon's  quickest  thoughts,  he 
rushed  out  of  the  door  and  made  good  time  to  the 
nearest  drinking-house,  leaving  Mr.  Salmon  once 


BRANDY   AND   FORGIVENESS.  39 

more  liarpooned  with  astonishment  at  the  sudden- 
ness of  his  movements. 

"  Queer  boy  that ! — quick  work !"  was  the  first 
remark  with  which  he  broke  the  silence. 

"  A  very  strange  man,"  said  Mrs.  Frost ;  "  don't 
mind  him ;  he's  in  liquor.  He's  a  perfect  tiger  in 
liquor — can  handle  a  dozen  common  men ;  but  when 
he's  sober  is  the  best  fellow  in  the  world." 

"  Singular !"  was  the  conclusion  of  the  relenting 
Salmon.  "  I  drink,  myself,  sometimes." 

"Wouldn't  you  take  a  little  brandy  now,  Mr. 
Salmon?" 

Saying  this,  the  shrewd  little  broker  ran  to  the 
cupboard,  unlocked  an  inside  door,  and  placed  a 
glass  of  brandy  in  contiguity  with  the  delighted 
Salmon  in  double  quick  time. 

The  expedient  was  a  happy  one.  Mr.  Salmon 
drank,  and  the  effect  was  remarkable.  He  was  feli- 
citous, contented  and  friendly.  He  was  at  peace 
with  all  man  and  womankind — forgave  Mrs.  Frost 
whatever  wrong  she  had  done  him,  might,  could  or 
should  do  him ;  and  in  the  best  of  humor  wended 
his  way  to  the  shrines  of  departed  fish. 


CHAPTER    Y. 

The  Memorable  Courtship  of  Herr  Altkopf— A  Wedding  at  last — 
Coal  Dust  and  Lager  Bier — A  Mammoth  Infidel — A  sudden  and 
unwelcome  Apparition — Fearful  Cattle  between  two  Husbands — 
Tragic  termination  of  Wedded  Bliss. 

IT  lias  been  long  known  that  the  methods  of  re- 
moving the  feline  cutaneous  covering  are  more  than 
can  be  expressed  by  the  first  of  the  integers ;  and 
that  the  methods  of  compounding  sausages  are 
numberless,  is  proven  by  the  case  of  the  Corpora- 
tion agt.  Herr  Schlagenhamer,  who  was  recently 
arrested  in  the  act  of  chopping  up  dogs  for  sausage- 
meat,  without  due  process  of  law,  thus  interfering 
with  the  prerogatives  of  the  municipal  pound.  It 
is  also  true  that  there  is  more  than  one  way  of  mak- 
ing money ;  and  Mrs.  Frost  has  furnished  a  notable 
illustration  of  the  fact. 

It  happened  that  she  occupied  a  house  in  one 
room  of  which  a  fortune-teller  had  formerly  re- 
vealed the  hidden  mysteries  of  fate,  and  whose 
credulous  patrons,  not  being  great  readers  of  the 

40 


A   GOTH   IN  HOT  WATEB.  41 

newspapers,  were  not  all  aware  of  the  fact  that  she 
had  removed. 

As  Mrs.  Frost  was  one  morning  engaged  in  an- 
swering the  inquiries  of  a  matrimonial  candidate, 
which  extended  over  four  pages  of  foolscap,  she 
was  interrupted  by  the  entrance  of  a  man  whose 
besmeared  person  was  a  more  conspicuous  adver- 
tisement of  his  business  than  the  words  "  coal-yard," 
upon  his  cart. 

"  1st  the  fortune-teller  here  ?"  was  his  inquiry. 

Mrs.  Frost  was  as  prompt  in  deciding  a  new 
point  as  she  was  in  pocketing  a  fifty  cent  piece,  and 
answered  without  the  slightest  hesitation : 

"  Yes— walk  in  !" 

j  The  driver  of  the  coal-cart  walked  into  the  par- 
lor with  a  ponderous  tread,  the  dust  flying  from 
either  leg  as  he  stepped.  He  was  little  accustomed 
to  womankind,  except  as  manifested  in  the  mam- 
moth specimen  whom,  until  recently,  he  had  re- 
garded as  bone  of  his  bone,  and  flesh  of  his  flesh ; 
but,  though  he  was  somewhat  embarrassed  at  first, 
the  attractive  manners  of  Mrs.  Frost  soon  put  him 
at  ease. 

"  Is  there  -anything  I  can  do  for  you  to-day,  sir?" 
she  asked,  smiling  graciously. 

"  Yah ;  dat  is,  I  have  one  hope  you  may  some- 
ting  mit  my  sorrow  do  for  me." 


42  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEKAGE. 

"  Ah,  are  you  in  trouble  ?  I  am  always  sorry  to 
see  people  in  trouble,  and  will  help  you  if  I  can." 

"  Danke  Ilnien  ! — dat  ist  gopt.  Mein  frau,  dat  is 
vat  you  call  my  vife,  ist  weggelaufen — dat  is,  she  is 
run,  mein  Gott,  away  I" 

"  How  long  has  she  been  gone  ?" 

"  She  run  zwei  week  ago  away  init  a  Schauspie- 
ler — vas  is  dat  you  call  him  ?" 

"A  what?" 

"  A  Schauspieler.  Dat  is  a  man  who  have  one 
grand  exhipition  of  pig  and  little  vimin.  A  kleine 
girl  dat  is  almost  a  little  shild,  is  die  little  voman 
they  call  thirty  years  old,  wenn  she  not  more  as 
ten,  he  know — she  ist  die  little ;  and  vat  link  you 
now  ?  He  offer  me  one  tousand  tollar  for  my  frau 
for  die  pig  voman,  and  I  ask  him  two  tousand,  vich 
he  say  pe  too  much,  and  so  he  got  her  to  run  away 
and  go  mit  him  to  the  vest,  and  she  is  now  the 
pig." 

"  Well,  what  do  you  want  me  to  do  for  you  ?" 

"  I  vant  you  tell  me  vere  mine  frau  is,  and  venn 
she  will  come  ever  pack." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  can  tell  you  that ;  but  I  shall  charge 
you  a  dollar,  and  you  must  pay  in  advance." 

Having  received  her  fee,  Mrs.  Frost  buried  her 
head  in  her  hands  a  few  minutes,  and  then  said  in 
a  decided  and  solemn  manner : 


MRS.  FEOST   AS   FORTUNE-TELLER.  43 

"Your  wife  is  in  Detroit,  Michigan.  I  see  a 
handbill  posted  in  the  street  which  announces  that 
she  will  be  exhibited  this  evening — admittance  25 
cents.  She  will  never  come  back  to  yon — never  !" 

"  1st  Detroit  in  the  vest  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Ten,  mein  Gott,  do  you  speak  trut,  for  I  know 
she's  gone  to  die  vest:  and  how  know  you  clat 
unless  you  know  more  ?" 

"  Of  course  I  tell  you  the  truth ;  but  you  needn't 
feel  bad  because  she's  gone.  It  is  the  easiest  thing 
in  the  world  to  get  another  wife.  You  didn't  care 
much  for  her,  did  you?" 

"  Gott  iin  Himmel !  I  care  much !  He  offer  me 
a  tousand  tollar,  and  I  vos  one  fool  I  didn't  take  it ; 
put  I  thought  I  get  two  tousand,  and  now  she  run 
off  and  I  get  noting.  Wenn  I  had  took  one  tou- 
sand so  vould  I  care  not  one  tarn !" 

"  But  she's  gone,  and  the  best  thing  you  can  do 
is  to  get  another  wife ;  get  one  that  will  earn  more 
than  a  thousand  dollars." 

The  Goth  received  this  proposal  in  silence,  and 
passed  into  a  state  of  deep  meditation.  At  last,  a 
smile  gleamed  through  the  black  curtain  that  hid 
his  face  as  he  answered : 

"  Goot !  dat  pe  very  goot !   But  how  will  I  get  her  ?" 


44  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  I  will  help  you.  I  keep  an  office  for  getting 
wives ;  and  if  you  will  pay  me  enough,  I  promise  to 
get  you  one.  If  I  don't  I  will  marry  you  myself/' 

The  expression  which  overspread  the  features  cf 
Herr  Altkopf  when  the  last  proposition  of  the  little 
broker  met  his  ear,  was  indescribable. 

"  Yat,  now,  you  not  got  a  husband  ?  I  taut  you 
have  a  husband." 

"  Oh,  no !"  replied  Mrs.  Frost,  "  I  am  a  widow/' 

"  Dat  is  goot — es  ist  mir  lieb — dat  is,  I  am  very 
glad  you  pe  a  vidow !" 

Hereupon  Mr.  Altkopf,  in  very  bad  English, 
recounted  Mrs.  Frost's  attractions  with  great  admi- 
ration— the  chief  point  being  her  undoubted  capa- 
city to  make  money  at  fortune-telling.  He  finally 
concluded  the  eulogy  of  her  virtues  by  proposing 
immediate  marriage. 

Mrs.  Frost  replied  that  she  would  not  marry  at 
present ;  that  she  was  partly  joking,  and  must  take 
time  to  consider ;  but  added  : 

"  If  you  are  going  to  court  me,  and  say  you 
want  to  marry  me,  you  must  do  something  to  show 
that  you  are  in  earnest." 

"Yah— vat  is  dat?" 

'"  "Well,  although  I  do  not  want  a  man  to  support 
me,  I  do  not  want  a  husband  who  will  spend  all  I 


THE  GOTH  SUPPLIES  COAL.  45 

earn.  T  ou  are  in  the  coal  business,  and  if  you  give 
me  a  load  of  coal  this  afternoon,  and  other  loads 
whenever  I  need  it,  I  shall  think  well  of  you,  and 
if  I  think  best,  will  marry  you  in  the  spring." 

The  result  of  the  interview  appeared  about  two 
hours  afterward,  when  the  cart  of  Mr.  Altkopf, 
laden  with  choice  coal,  was  lightened  of  its  burden 
in  front  of  Mrs.  Frost's  residence. 

Time  passed,  and  more  coal  was  needed.  Mr. 
Altkopf,  who  visited  the  matrimonial  office  when- 
ever he  could  "  steal  awhile  away,"  responded 
with  great  promptness  to  the  necessity ;  and 
at  intervals  for  at  least  two  months,  his  cart,  as 
Mr.  G.  P.  R.  James  would  say,  "  might  have  been 
seen  "  in  front  of  the  place  discharging  its  valuable 
contents. 

Mr.  Altkopf  at  last  grew  weary  of  this  sort  of 
courtship,  not  only  because  he  disliked  to  let  his 
coal  go  without  ready  cash,  but  because  he 
made  no  progress.  Mrs.  Frost  was  always  busy 
when  he  called,  and  he  got  sight  of  her  but  a  few 
times  in  the  two  months.  His  patience  having  at 
last  become  exhausted,  he  sent  word  to  her  by  the 
servant  girl  that  he  would  not  fetch  her  any  more 
coal,  unless  she  saw  him  at  once. 

Mrs.  Frost,  perceiving  the  crisis  which  she  had 


46  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

long  expected,  had  at  last  come,  received  tlie  Goth 
in  the  parlor  with  a  sweet  and  winning  smile,  but 
informed  him  that  she  had  not  yet  decided. 

"  Herr  Gott !  sacrament  1"  was  the  rough  reply 
of  the  indignant  and  not  very  gallant  lover ;  "  how 
long  tint  you  I  pring  you  coal  for  noting  ?  Now 
tell  me  diesen  Augenblick — tiss  minute,  vill  you  pe 
meine  frau — dat  is  my  vife,  or  vill  you  not  ?" 

"  You  must  wait  awhile  longer ;  you  are  in  too 
much  of  a  hurry,"  replied  Mrs  Frost. 

"I  vill  not  wait !"  roared  the  angry  Goth,  bring- 
ing his  mighty  cow-hide  boot  down  with  an  energy 
which  shook  every  window  in  the  house,  as  well  as 
the  courage  of  the  broker,  and  filled  the  room  with 
fine  black  coal  dust — "  I  vill  wait  not  one  pit !" 

"Well,  then,"  replied  the  frightened  Mrs. 
Frost,  "  if  you  will  not  give  me  time  to  consider,  I 
will  not  marry  you." 

"  Herr  Gott !  sacrament ! — den  vill  you  pay  me 
for  mein  coal !" 

"  I  will  do  better  for  you  than  to  marry  you  my- 
self," replied  Mrs.  Frost ;  a  I  will  introduce  you  to 
a  widow  who  has  a  good  business,  and  will  give  you 
a  situation  at  once  where  you  can  do  better  than 
at  drawing  coal." 

The  Goth,  in  spite  of  his  sudden  ebullition  of  wrath, 


THE  GOTH  IN  CLEAN  LINEN.          47 

had  great  faith  in  Mrs.  Frost ;  and  as  matrimony 
was  with  him  simply  a  speculation,  he  listened  to 
the  proposal. 

It  will  be  remembered  that  in  a  preceding  chap- 
ter, we  mentioned  a  certain  German  widow,  among 
Mrs.  Frost's  candidates,  who  was  in  search  of  a  hus- 
band to  tend  bar,  having  lost  her  spouse  some  two 
months  before.  She  kept  a  lager-bier  saloon  in 
Stanton  street,  not  of  the  highest  character;  and  to 
this  woman,  in  due  time,  Mr.  Altkopf  was  intro- 
duced. 

As  both  were  in  search  of  a  mate  from  commer- 
cial considerations,  and  as  each  held  out  satisfactory 
inducements,  he  of  the  coal-bin  was  married  to  her 
of  the  lager-bier  barrel  in  three  days  after  the  intro- 
duction. On  that  memorable  occasion,  Mr.  Alt- 
kopf washed  all  the  coal-dust  off  his  face  and  hands, 
and  donned  a, clean  shirt  and  linen  bosom  for  the 
first  time  since  his  marriage  to  the  mammoth  infi- 
del. 

Mr.  Altkopf  speedily  disposed  of  his  small 
interest  in  the  coal-yard,  and  devoted  his  talents 
exclusively  to  the  elimination  of  lager-bier — a  call- 
ing much  better  suited  to  his  taste. 

As  this  is  the  only  marriage  ever  brought  about  by 
the  agency  of  Mrs.  Frost,  it  is  to  be  regretted  that 


48  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

it  was  not  more  fruitful  of  mutual  happiness,  and 
that  its  denouement  should  have  been  so  sudden  and 
tragic. 

Late  one  evening,  about  two  weeks  after  his  wed- 
ding, the  ponderous  Mr.  Altkopf  sat  in  the  bar- 
room. The  lights  were  dim  and  his  customers  had 
departed  one  by  one,  until  he  was  alone,  surrounded 
by  kegs  of  lager-bier  and  a  dense  cloud  of  smoke. 
He  was  meditating  the  profits  of  the  day,  when 
suddenly  he  detected  low  conversation  in  the  ad- 
joining apartment  of  his  wife.  Being  naturally  in- 
terested, he.  listened,  and  clearly  distinguished  a 
man's  mingling  with  the  harsher  voice  of  his  new 
spouse. 

Although  Mr.  Altkopf  was  not  of  a  jealous  dis- 
position, he  at  once  suspected  there  -was  something 
wrong. 

"Some  cloud,  portentous  of  impending  storms, 
Freighted  with  hot  and  blasting  thunderbolts, 
Seemed  gathering  overhead." 

He  placed  his  ear  to  the  key-hole  of  his  wife's 
room,  and  heard  her  say  : 

"  I  thought  you  not  come  pack — you  say  you  not 
come  pack — so  I  marry  him  !" 

"Herr  Gott!   sacrament!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Alt- 


AN   AWFUL  BOW.  49 

kopf,  breaking  out  with  his  habitual  oath,  and 
bracing  his  back  against  the  door,  where,  dropping 
his  head  upon  his  breast,  he  studied  the  meaning 
of  the  words. 

His  exclamation  was  heard  inside,  however,  and 
as  he  stood  in  the  contemplative  mood,  with  his  full 
weight  against  the  door,  it  suddenly  opened,  and 
he  measured  his  gigantic  body  upon  the  floor ;  and 
before  he  had  time  to  collect  his  scattered  senses, 
and  rise  to  his  feet,  the  owner  of  the  strange  voice  was 
upon  him,  armed  with  a  hickory  stick,  which  he 
applied  to  the  prostrate  body  of  his  foe  with  some- 
thing of  that  unction  which  inspired  Samson,  when 
with  such  an  inadequate  weapon  he  whacked  so 
many  of  the  Philistines. 

"  Wer  ist  da !  Ich  bin  der  mann  of  the  house ! 
Gott  im  Himmel !  Stop  tief !  Police  !  watch  ! 
murter!"  were  some  of  the  exclamations  of  the 
belabored  Goth,  as  he  writhed  in  fruitless  attempts 
to  rise  and  grapple  with  his  unknown  antagonist. 
He  called  upon  the  loving  bride,  whom  two  weeks 
before  he  had  led  to  the  altar,  to  assist  him,  but 
she  told  the  stranger  to  "preak  his  head  mit 
the  stick,"  which  injunction  the  stranger  faithfully 
followed. 

Mr.  Altkopf  concluded  that  he  must  either  him- 
3 


50  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

self  defend  his  inalienable  right  to  life,  liberty  and 
the  pursuit  of  happiness,  or  be  smashed  to  coal- 
dust  ;  and  inspired  by  the  valor  of  despair,  he  suc- 
ceeded in  gaming  his  feet,  and  manfully  showed 
the  assailant  his  face,  of  which 

"  the  broad  circumference 

Stands  on  his  shoulders  like  the  moon,  whose  orb 
Through  optic  glass  the  Tuscan  artist  views." 

If  the  valorous  deeds  which  Mr.  Altkopf  then 
performed  were  worthy  of  Hector,  unfortunately 
for  him,  those  of  his  antagonist  were  worthy  of 
Achilles ;  and  although  he  fought  and  swore  both 
in  English  and  German,  he  was  completely  over- 
powered in  considerably  less  than  thirty  seconds, 
alike  in  the  contractile  and  expansive  exercise  of 
his  muscles  and  in  the  volubility  of  his  unmitigated 
Deutsch. 

What  the  final  result  of  this  battle  would  have 
been,  had  not  a  metropolitan  policeman  rapped  upon 
the  door,  it  is  impossible  to  foresee. 

"  Halloo !"  shouted  he  of  the  blue  coat  and  brass 

\ 

buttons ;  "  I  say,  what's  all  that  noise  ?  Keep  still, 
or  I'll  take  you  all  to  the  station-house  I" 

These  timely  words  put  a  sudden  7end  to  hos-- 
tilities,  and  an  explanation  followed.  From  that 


A   SATISFACTORY   STATEMENT.  51 

momentous  explanation  tlie  astounded  Goth  learned 
that  the  "widow"  was  of  the  "grass"  species; 
that  she  had  quarrelled  with  her  husband,  who  left, 
swearing  by  King  Gambrinus  that  he  would  never 
come  back;  but,  after  wandering  a  few  weeks, 
reconsidered  his  rash  resolution,  and  now  returned 
to  take  possession  of  his  wife  and  lager-bier  shop ; 
and  much  to  the  chagrin  of  the  Goth,  was  wel- 
comed by  the  wife. 

A  record  of  the  negotiations  and  battles  which 
resulted  from  this  state  of  things,  would  be  as  volu- 
minous as  the  testimony  in  the  Parish  will  case. 
The  result  was  that  husband  No.  1  paid  husband 
No.  2  a  dollar  and  twenty-five  cents  a  day  for  his 
services  as  bar-tender  during  the  time  he  held  that 
distinguished  office,  and  he  resumed  his'  coal  cart, 
which  he  still  drives.  The  mammoth  infidel  is  still 
« the  pig." 


CHATTEK  VI. 

The  Exit  of  Mrs.  Frost ;  with  an  Afterpiece,  in  which  a  Mexican 
Heiress  appears,  and  there  is  an  Unlucky  Recognition — Henry 
William  Herbert's  Marriage— A  Watchful  Mother,  etc. 

IT  becomes  our  painful  duty  to  record  the  disap- 
pearance of  the  lively  little  broker,  whose  achieve- 
ments have  been  recorded  in  the  four  preceding 
chapters. 

Some  months  after  the  memorable  wedding  of 
Mr.  Altkopf,  and  the  disastrous  termination  of  his 
brief  matrimonial  career,  Mr.  John  Benedict,  a 
young  man  who  was  living  here  for  the  sake  of 
living  here,  resolved  to  visit  the  matrimonial  office 
of  Mrs.  Frost ;  and  having  rung  the  bell  of  that 
establishment,  was  met  at  the  door  by  a  woman 
with  black  clothes  and  an  audacious  face,  who  in- 
formed him  that  Mrs.  Frost  had  suddenly  and  mys- 
teriously disappeared,  without  the  slightest  intima- 
tion of  her  destination. 

"  I  rented  this  house,"  said  the  bold-faced 
woman,  "  and  bought  out  the  matrimonial  business. 

52 


PLANS   OF   AN   OLD   SINNER.  53 

She  told  me  great  stones  about  making  money  out 
of  it,  and  promised  to  tell  me  all  about  her  custom- 
ers and  the  system  of  management.  But  she  went 
off  with  her  furniture,  saying  she  would  come  back 
the  next  day  and  tell  me  all  about  it ;  and  that  is 
the  last  I  have  seen  or  heard  of  her.  It's  real  mean 
of  her ;  for  I  shouldn't  a-rented  the  place  if  she 
hadn't  promised  to  tell  me  all  about  things.  Don't 
you  think  it's  mean  ?  What  am  I  to  do  ?" 

Mr.  Benedict  expressed  the  opinion,  that  Mrs. 
Frost  had  treated  her  successor  very  shabbily,  and 
acknowledged  himself  unable,  on  so  short  an  ac- 
quaintance with  the  case,  to  advise  the  sufferer 
what  course  to  pursue. 

The  woman  invited  him  to  look  at. her  house, 
which  invitation  he  accepted.  "When  they  were  on 
the  hall  of  the  second  floor,  the  door  of  one  of  the 
rooms  stood  open,  and  a  young  woman  was  before 
the  mirror  adjusting  her  hair,  and  Mr.  Benedict 
was  informed  that  this  young  woman  was  the  land- 
lady's daughter.  Gradually  the  sinner  unfolded 
her  plans  to  her  visitor ;  and  before  Mr.  Benedict 
went  away,  he  was  convinced  that  his  reputation 
or  self-respect  would  not  be  improved  by  a  second 
visit. 

A  few  weeks  after  this  adventure,  Mr.  Benedict 


54  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

observed  an  advertisement  in  a  morning  paper, 
announcing  that  the  advertiser  would  introduce 
gentlemen  "  to  any  number  of  ladies,"  with  a  view 
to  matrimony,  for  one  dollar.  All  persons  desiring 
her  services,  could  obtain  her  address  by  inquiring 

for  Mrs.  "W ,  at  the  Broadway  Post-office.  The 

same  day  on  which  this  announcement  appeared, 
Mr.  Benedict  went  to  the  office  specified,  and  in- 
quired according  to  direction.  He  received  a  white 
envelope,  neatly  directed,  and  upon  opening  it, 
found  that  the  matrimonial  establishment  was  situ- 
ated in  the  vicinity  of  the  Crystal  Palace. 

Thither  the  adventurous  Benedict  bent  his  steps, 
and  was  met  at  the  door  by  a  little  girl  who  exhibit- 
ed unusual  intelligence,  but  had  the  look  of  a  half- 
starved  and  much-abused  child.  She  invited  him 
to  the  parlor,  and  said  Mrs.  "W".  would  be  down 
directly. 

Mrs.  "W.  promptly  appeared.  She  was  a  tall 
woman,  with  neuralgic  pains  in  her  face,  and  a 
heavy  handkerchief  around  it,  although  the  day 
was  excessively  warm. 

"How  did  you  find  me?"  was  her  first  ques- 
tion. 

Mr.  Benedict  explained  the  process,  and  asked  her 
if  she  would  introduce  him. 


A^  SPLENDID   YOUNG   WOMAN.  55 

"  I  will  introduce  you  to  a  young  lady,"  she 
answered,  "  whom  you  cannot  help  falling  in  love 
with,  unless  you  are  a  more  indifferent  person  than 
I  think  you  are.  Do  you  want  a  rich  wife  ?" 

"  I  am  not  particular  about  that." 

"  Then  you  have  means  ?" 

"  I  have  some  means." 

The  broker's  interest  was  manifestly  increased  by 
this  announcement,  and  she  forthwith  began  to 
praise  the  young  lady  in  question.  "  She  has  black 
eyes,  long  black  hair,  a  clear,  beautiful  complexion, 
is  neither  too  large  nor  too  small,  has  a  sweet 
mouth,  and  faultless  nose  and  chin,  and  while  she 
is  more  intelligent  than  most  girls  of  her  age,  she 
has  none  of  their  foolish  extravagances." 

"  How  old  is  she  2" 

"  She  is  not  quite  seventeen.  Some  prefer  a  wife 
who  don't  know  all  about  the  nonsense  of  the  city, 
but  are  sensible  aiid^omestic." 

"That  is  my  idea." 

"Is  it?  Then  you  will  be  suited,  I  am  sure. 
This  girl's  mother  has  been  very  particular — kept 
a  very  strict  watch  over  her;  hasn't  allowed  her 
even  to  go  to  theatres ;  scarcely  permitted  her  to 
go  out  of  her  sight  alone.  The  consequence  is,  the 
girl  is  quite  unsophisticated." 


56  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

kC  Does  lier  mother  know  that  she  is  a  candidate 
for  matrimony  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes.  It  is  her  mother's  doings.  The  truth 
is  they  are  rather  poor — that  is,  not  rich,  but  well 
enough  off.  The  mother  has  brothers  living  in 
Mexico,  and  they  are  anxious  she  and  the  daughter 
shall  go  and  live  with  them.  In  that  case  she  will 
become  heiress  of  a  great  estate.  But  it  seems  like 
taking  her  out  of  civilized  life ;  and  the  mother, 
although  she  is  determined  to  go  to  Mexico  herself, 
is  willing  to  leave  the  daughter,  provided  she  can 
find  her  a  suitable  husband." 

"  So  the  mother  has  determined  to  go  to  Mexi 

CO?" 

"  Yes  ;  she  will  go  in  about  six  weeks.  In  fact, 
they  are  both  getting  ready  for  the  journey;  and, 
unless  the  daughter  marries  soon,  they  will  go  to- 
gether. If  there  should  be  a  strong  probability  of 
a  favorable  alliance  for  the  young  lady,  I  suppose 
the  mother  would  postpone  the  journey." 

"  I  understand  you  to  say  you  are  willing  to 
introduce  me  to  her?" 

"Yes,  if  you  bring  good  references,  and  the 
references  upon  examination  prove  your  represent- 
ations to  be  true.  As  I  said  before,  the  mother  is 
very  particular,  and  will  not  allow  any  one  to 


NO   REFERENCES   NEEDED.  57 

bestow  the  slightest  attentions  upon  her  daughter, 
until  perfectly  satisfied  that  his  motives  are  honor- 
able, and  that  he  is  every  way  worthy." 

Mr.  Benedict  expressed  a  desire  to  see  the  young 
woman,  but  feared  he  would  not  be  able  to  furnish 
references,  since  he  was  almost  a  stranger  in  the 
city.  He  could  get  an  abundance  of  the  best  by 
sending  home,  but  that  would  consume  too  much 
time ;  and  before  his  character  was  established, 
mother  and  daughter  might  be  on  their  way  to 
Mexico.  However,  he  would  see  if  he  could  find 
some  one  that  he  knew  at  the  hotels,  and  would 
call  next  afternoon. 

When  Mr.  Benedict  called  next  day,  according 
to  agreement,  with  some  names  in  his  pocket, 
which  he  had  determined  to  give  as  references,  the 
matrimonial  broker  graciously  informed  him  she 
had  seen  the  mother,  and  that  in  consideration  of 
Mr.  Benedict's  gentlemanly  appearance  and  modest 
demeanor,  which  she  had  described  to  her,  the 
mother  had  concluded,  under  the  circumstances,  to 
depart  somewhat  from  her  ordinary  rigidity,  and 
permit  an  introduction.  If  it  was  mutually  agree- 
able, the  acquaintance  could  be  cultivated,  and 
meantime  he  could  supply  the  proper  recom- 
mendations. She  further  informed  him  that  the 

3* 


58  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEKAGE. 

mother  would  jiot  permit  an  introduction  with- 
out accompanying  the  daughter,  and  that  the 
two  would  be  at  her  house  at  six  o'clock  that  after- 
noon. 

True  to  their  appointment,  the  two  arrived,  and 
the  broker  led  in  the  young  candidate  and  intro- 
duced her.  The  broker  then  withdrew,  and  Mr. 
Benedict  found  himself  alone  with  the  young  lady 
whose  charms  had  been  described  as  irresistible. 
His  first  conclusion  was  that  she  was  not  less  than 
twenty-two  years  old ;  his  second,  that  her  childish 
simplicity  was  all  assumed ;  and  his  third,  that 
though  she  had  rather  a  pretty  face  and  good  form, 
she  was  far  from  being  beautiful ;  and,  finally,  that 
the  vigorous  application  of  a  tooth-brush  would 
greatly  improve  the  mouth  which  the  broker  had 
called  sweet. 

"  Were  you  ever  in  a  matrimonial  office  before  ?" 
asked  Benedict. 

"  Goody  gracious,  no !"  she  replied ;  "  were 
you?" 

"  I  have  read  advertisements  of  other  offices,  I 
believe,"  was  Benedict's  evasive  answer.  "  I  think 
Mrs.  Frost  had  one  in  Fourth  street,  and  that  Mr 
"Robinson  kept  one  in  Broadway." 

"Yes,"  said  the  young  innocent,  "I  have  heard 


HERBERT'S  MARRIAGE.  59 

so.  I  believe  they  were  connected ;  but  I  don't 
know." 

"  Did  you  ever  hear  of  any  one  marrying  at 
these  offices?" 

"  Yes ;  I  believe  the  man  who  committed  sui- 
cide— what  was  his  name — Herbert,  wasn't  it  ?" 

"  Henry  William  Herbert,  or  Frank  Forrester," 
suggested  Benedict. 

"  Yes,  that  was  the  name.  I  have-  heard  that  he 
got  acquainted  with  his  wife  at  a  matrimonial 
office." 

"Indeed!  I  have  read  a  different  story.  I 
think  he  said  he  defended  her  against  ruffians  in 
the  street,  and  accompanied  her  home,  and  made 
her  acquaintance  by  that  means." 

"  Oh,  no ;  he  met  her  at  a  matrimonial  office." 

Benedict  and  the  young  lady  talked  of  every- 
thing in  general  and  nothing  in  particular — the 
latter  professing  entire  ignorance  of  the  world — for 
an  hour  or  more,  when  the  broker  came  and  called 
her  out.  Soon  after,  Benedict  heard  voices  in  low 
and  earnest  conversation  in  the  adjoining  apart- 
ment ;  and  then  the  broker  reentered,  assured  him 
that  the  girl  was  delighted  with  him,  and  announced 
that  the  mother  desired  an  interview.  "  If  she  is 
pleased  with  you  as  well  as  the  girl  is,"  added 


60  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

the  woman,  "  I  presume  she  will  invite  you  to  call 
at  their  house." 

Benedict  declared  his  readiness  to  bear  the  scru- 
tinizing gaze  of  the  mother,  and  in  a  moment  the 
broker  led  her  in. 

It  was  now  twilight,  and  ordinary  features  were 
not  discernible  in  the  room;  but  the  moment  his 
eye  rested  upon  the  "particular"  mother,  he  recog- 
nized her.  The  huge  frame,  the  black  clothes,  the 
high  forehead  and  bold  face,  were  again  before 
him  ;  there  was  no  mistaking  them.  She  was  the 
woman  whom  he  met  when  he  called  for  Mrs. 
Frost ;  and  the  daughter,  he  now  remembered,  was 
the  same  individual  who  stood  before  the  glass  ad- 
justing her  hair,  when  he  looked  through  the  door 
on  the  second  hall  of  that  disreputable  house. 

The  woman,  however,  did  not  recognize  him. 
She  expressed  herself  pleased  with  his  appearance, 
and  invited  him  to  call  at  her  house.  He  made  no 
direct  answer,  and  bidding  the  mother,  daughter 
and  broker  a  respectful  good-night,  left  them  alone 
in  their  glory,  without  giving  them  any  intimation 
of  his  knowledge,  which  was  quite  fatal  to  any 
little  schemes  they  may  have  planned  concerning 
him. 


OHAPTEE    VII. 

A  Gentleman  from  the  Rural  Districts  in  a  Matrimonial  Office — 
His  Adventures  with  an  Actress — How  and  Why  she  Fainted  in 
His  Arms — A  Retreat. 

IN  the  fall  of  1857,  a  young  country  merchant,  not 
altogether  ignorant  of  the  ways  of  the  city,  and  by 
no  means  averse  to  adventures,  came  here  to  get 
his  semi-annual  supply  of  dry  goods.  Having 
made  his  purchases,  and  being  in  no  especial  haste 
to  return,  he  determined  to  visit  a  matrimonial 
office,  the  advertisement  of  which  he  had  seen,  and 
which  struck  him  as  exceedingly  curious. 

He  repaired  to  the  place  indicated  in  the  paper, 
paid  the  usual  fee  of  five  dollars,  and  made  the  fol- 
lowing entry : 

"John  Quincy  Jenkins,  a  dry  goods  merchant,  of  Memphis, 
Tennessee,  28  years  of  age,  5  feet  9  inches  high,  black  eyes  and 
hair,  and  domestic  tastes,  desires  to  form  the  acquaintance  of  a 
lady,  22  to  25  years  of  age,  with  a  view  to  matrimony.  She  must 
be  of  affectionate  disposition,  accomplished,  intelligent  and  hand- 
some. None  others  need  apply.  Money  is  no  object,  the  adver- 
tiser having  a  lucrative  business." 


62  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

The  merchant  was  assured  by  the  broker  that  she 
had  just  such  a  person  upon  her  list  at  that  moment ; 
and  that  if  he  would  call  at  five  o'clock  that  after- 
noon, he  should  see  her. 

The  adventurous  Jenkins,  being  of  a  somewhat 
suspicious  disposition,  feared  foul  play ;  and,  when 
the  appointed  hour  had  arrived,  went  to  the  matri- 
monial office  with  a  six  shooter,  well  loaded,  in  his 
pocket,  more  than  half  expecting  to  defend  himself 
against  robbers  and  assassins. 

But  the  enemy  he  encountered  was  not  of  this 
kind.  He  was  introduced  to  a  young  woman  with 
black  eyes  and  hair,  pearly  teeth,  delicate  hands, 
fine  form,  and  intelligent  and  rather  handsome 
face.  Her  dress  was  appropriate,  and  her  manner 
modest. 

Be  it  known  that  the  adventurous  Jenkins  had 
anticipated  nothing  of  the  sort.  He  had  supposed 
that  if  the  landlady  introduced  him  at  all,  which 
he  considered  doubtful,  it  would  be  to  some  frightful 
hag,  who  would  drive  him  from  the  house  in  dis- 
gust. He  was,  therefore,  a  good  deal  taken  aback, 
and  though  a  man  of  sufficient  brass,  much  embar- 
rassed. 

He  rallied,  however,  and  was  soon  chatting  with 
the  fair  stranger  as  with  an  old  acquaintance. 


A  CHARMING   BLUSH.  63 

Her  wit  and  intelligence  surprised  and  pleased  him. 
He  had  no  more  idea  of  marrying  than  Brigham 
Young  has  of  living  single,  and  began  to  wish, 
from  the  bottom  of  his  heart,  that  he  was  out  of 
the  aifair. 

The  twain  talked  on  until  Jenkins  became  aware 
that  he  was  expected  to  broach  the  main  subject — 
but  how  to  do  it  was  a  problem.  He  resolved, 
however,  to  tell  her  frankly  that  he  was  there  mere- 
ly from  curiosity.  He  opened  in  this  way : 

"  Mrs. (naming  the  broker),  keeps  a  matri- 
monial office,  it  seems.  It  is  a  novel  idea,  and  her 
advertisement  made  me  very  curious." 

The  unknown  beauty  blushed  charmingly.  The 
glow  which  overspread  her  features  was,  indeed,  "  a 
hit."  But  it  lasted  only  a  moment.  She  replied, 
"  Yes ;  I  see  no  harm  in  it.  I  would  not  have  my 
uncle  know  I  am  here  for  anything  in  the  world ;  he 
could  never  understand  it.  I  have  plenty  of  ac- 
quaintances, but  little  sympathy.  I  am  well  aware 
what  the  conventionalities  of  the  world  require ;  I 
am  also-  aware  that  a  woman's  happiness  is  often 
sacrificed  to  them.  I  have  resolved  to  this  extent 
to  break  through  them,  and  never  to  marry  until  I 
love." 

"Love,  surely,"  replied  the  half-captivated  and 


64:  MATKIMONIAL   EKOKEKAGE. 

philosophic  Jenkins,  "is  the  essential  element  ol 
happiness,  and  I  fancy  that  marriage  without  it 
would  be  an  intolerable  burden." 

"I  came  here,"  responded  mademoiselle,  "not 
because  I  am  ignorant  of  what  belongs  to  a  modest 
woman,  but  because  I  believe  there  is  nothing 
wrong  or  immodest  in  doing  so ;  and  thinking  that 
1  might  meet  with  what  has  thus  far  in  life  been 
denied  me — the  sympathy  and  friendship  of  some 
one  who  understands  me." 

"  And  I  came  here,"  vigorously  responded  Jen- 
kins, perceiving  a  good  chance  to  say  what  he 
wanted  to,  "  I  came  here  simply  from  curiosity. 
It  is  always  best  to  be  frank  and  truthful ;  I 
have  no  intention  of  marr^  ing,  but  seeing  so  novel 
an  advertisement  in  the  paper,  I  wished  to  know  its 
meaning." 

Jenkins  is  of  opinion  that  when  he  uttered  this 
speech,  a  careful  observer  might  have  seen  the 
slightest  shade  of  disappointment  becloud  the  fea- 
tures of  the  fair  stranger;  but  if  so,  it  passed  quickly. 

After  a  few  minutes'  conversation,  Jenkins  arose 
to  depart.  He  expressed  gratification  at  having  seen 
her,  and  said  that  as  he  had  a  few  days  to  spend  in 
the  city,  he  would,  if  he  might  presume  to  do  so, 
beg  the  honor  of  calling  upon  her. 


JENKINS    IS   MOVED.  65 

"  Tell  me,  sir,"  replied  the  enchanting  damsel ; 
"tell  me  if  you  can  respect  me  just  as  much  as 
though  you  had  met  me  at  Saratoga  or  Newport, 
and  sought  an  introduction  ?" 

"It  matters  little  where  we  find  a  jewel  we 
prize,"  was  the  gallant  reply  of  the  gallant  Jen- 
kins. 

"  If  by  that  you  mean  to  answer  me  in  the  affirm- 
ative," was  the  reply,  "  I  shall  be  happy  to  have  you 
call  upon  me  to-morrow  evening  at  my  uncle's,  No. 
14th  street. 

Jenkins  went  away,  looking,  like  Ferdinand, 

"  in  a  moved  sort, 

As  if  he  were  dismayed." 

His  soliloquy  was  something  after  this  fashion  : 
"  I  was'  a  fool  for  going  there !  If  the  girl  is 
honest,  and  has  taken  a  fancy  to  me,  she  will  be 
disappointed.  She  seems  honest  and  modest, 
though  I  don't  understand  how  a  really  modest 
woman  could  go  to  such  a  place ;  still  she  might, 
perhaps.  I  did  as  much  as  tell  her  I  thought  it 
was  not  immodest  when  I  asked  to  call  upon  her. 
I  don't  think  I  ought  to  have  done  so ;  I  am  surest 
was  wrong.  I  won't  go — that's  the  cheapest  way  to 
get  out  of  it.  Yes,  I  will  go !" 


66  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

Jenkins  was  swayed  by  conflicting  emotions  for 
something  more  than  twenty-four  hours — sometimes 
firmly  resolving  not  to  call,  and  again  as  deter- 
mined to  go.  Finally,  when  the  time  came,  he 
started  without  hesitation. 

He  found  Delia  (so  she  called  herself)  in  a  very 
respectable  house,  richly  furnished.  He  was  intro- 
duced to  the  "  uncle  "  as  an  old  acquaintance  whom 
she  had  met  at  a  watering  place.  The  evening 
passed  very  pleasantly — so  pleasantly,  indeed,  that 
Jenkins,  without  thinking  precisely  what  he  was 
about,  promised  to  call  again,  which  he  did  two 
evenings  later. 

This  time  he  found  Delia  alone,  and  after 
another  very  pleasant  chat,  arose  to  take  his  leave, 
remarking  that  he  should  remain  in  town  but 
three  days  longer,  and  asked  if  he  might  call 
again. 

He  now  observed  that  his  new  friend  appeared 
much  embarrassed.  She  did  not  answer  directly, 
and  Jenkins  walked  to  the  door.  She  followed 
with  hesitating  steps,  but  finally  seized  him  fran 
tically  by  the  hand,  and  drawing  him  back,  stam- 
mered rather  than  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  You — sir — you  ask  if  you  shall  call  again.  It 
will  give  me  pleasure  to  have  you  do  so — that  is— 


JENKINS    IS   BESIEGED.  67 

sir — I — have — something — to — say.  You  will  ex- 
cuse me — but  I  know  you  are  generous  and  can 
appreciate  my  position" — (a  profound  sigh,  and 
Delia,  staggering  to  the  piano,  placed  her  head  in 
her  hands  and  wept.) 

"  Madam,"  said  Jenkins,  "  I  trust  I  can  appre- 
ciate what  you  wish  to  say ;  and  if  I  can  be  of  ser- 
vice to  you  in  any  way,  you  have  only  to  show  me 
how."  She  restrained  her  tears,  and  proceeded : 

"  I  will  be  frank  with  you,  sir — that  is — (sighs 
and  tears) — I  will  try  to  tell  you — will  you  forgive 
me  if  it  is  wrong  ?" 

"  Certainly — it  cannot  be  wrong,"  Jenkins  an- 
swered, considerably  excited  by  the  unexpected 
scene.  "  Tell  me  frankly ;  I  assure  you  it  will  give 
me  pleasure  to  serve  you." 

"Yes — but — oh  dear!  (another  fit  of  weeping) 
— but — it  is  so — strange  !" 

"  What  is  it,  Delia  ?"  said  Jenkins,  for  the  first 
time  calling  her  by  her  Christian  name. 

"  You  will  be  as  frank  as  I  am,  will  you  not  ?" 

"Yes."  , 

"Well,  then — whether  you  come  again  or  not 
depends  upon  yourself." 

"  Then  I  shall  certainly  come." 

"  I  fear  not." 


68  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  Pray  explain."     (Sighs  and  tears.) 

«  Be  calm." 

"  Well,  then,  I  will  try  to  be  calm  enough.  I — 
like — you — very — much, — and  feel — towards — you 
as — I  never  did  towards  another.  I — that  is — I  am 
sure  I  shall,  if  you  continue  to  come  here — love 
you.  If  you  do  not  feel  so  towards  me,  I  must  ask 
you  not  to  come  again." 

This  last  speech  was  interlarded  with  an  infinite 
number  of  sighs,  and  appearances  of  fainting ;  and 
no  sooner  was  it  concluded  than  she  fell  fainting 
towards  the  bewildered  Jenkins.  Of  course  there 
was  no  alternative,  and  he  caught  her  in  his  arms, 
and  made  various  frantic  attempts  to  restore  her  ; 
and  as  he  thus  performed  his  kindly  offices,  in  came 
the  uncle,  of  a  sudden,  followed  by  a  young  man 
whom  Jenkins  had  not  before  seen. 

Those  who  have  read  the  adventures  of  the  re- 
nowned Mr.  Pickwick,  will  never  forget  the  memor- 
able occasion  on  which  his  friends  entered  his  lodg- 
ings, and  found  Mrs.  Bardell  fainting  and  screaming 
in  his  arms  ;  and  they  have  only  to  revert  to  that 
picture  to  have  an  exact  portrait  of  the  case  of  Mr. 
Jenkins.  The  uncle  summoned  the  servant  girl, 
who,  for  some  unaccountable  reason,  was  very  near 
at  hand ;  she  came  rushing  to  the  spot,  and  she, 


JENKINS   IN   A   FIX.  69 

too,  saw  Delia  in  the  arms  of  the  petrified  Jen- 
kins. 

In  due  time  their  united  efforts  restored  her,  and 
the  uncle  demanded  of  her  an  explanation.  But 
she  could  not  or  would,  not  make  any,  and  he,  of 
course,  turned  upon  Jenkins.  The  adventurous 
merchant  told  him  that  his  niece  was  seized  with  a 
fainting  fit  as  he  stood  by  the  door  about  to  depart, 
and  that  he,  of  course,  'caught  her  to  prevent  her 
falling  at  the  moment  he  came  in.  The  uncle,  how- 
ever, seemed  dissatisfied  and  suspicious.  Jenkins 
told  him  his  niece  would  explain  all  when  suffi- 
ciently restored,  and  bade  him  good  night. 

It  chanced  that  Mr.  Jenkins  had  an  intimate 
acquaintance  living  at  the  hotel  where  he  stopped ; 
and  as  he  rushed  out  of  the  house  in  a  condition 
bordering  on  frenzy,  he  encountered  this  identical 
friend.  It  was  a  moonlight  evening,  and  the  law- 
yer instantly  recognized  him  as  he  descended  to  the 
street.  As  he  did  so,  he  very  deliberately  walked 
up  the  steps  and  examined  the  number,  more  care- 
fully than  Mr.  Farrell  did  31  Bond  street,  on  that 
memorable  occasion  when  he  sat  down  to  tie  a 
shoe-string,  and  returning  to  the  walk,  said  to 
Jenkins : 

"  What  the  d— 1  has  brought  you  here  T 


TO  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  I  don't  know  ! — fate,  I  suppose — or  being  a 
cursed  fool  I"  was  the  excited  reply. 

The  lawyer  took  Jenkins's  arm,  and  demanded 
a  confidential  communication.  He,  with  some 
hesitation,  gave  a  history  of  the  case  from  first  to 
last. 

"  You  gave  a  fictitious  name  and  residence  ?"  in- 
quired the  lawyer  eagerly,  when  Jenkins  had 
finished. 

"Yes." 

"  And  did  you  tell  the  fair  enchantress  where  you 
were  stopping  ?" 

"  No.     I  told  her  I  was  at  the  Metropolitan." 

"  Lucky  !  lucky  !"  said  he. 

"  Why  lucky  2" 

"  Let  me  tell  you.  I  know  a  thing  or  two  of  that 
precious  uncle  and  his  virtuous  niece.  Did  she 
faint  well  ?"  said  he,  laughing. 

"Yes." 

"Admirably,  I  will  wager.  She  sighed  well, 
blushed  well,  wept  well,  fainted  well  ?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Of  course  she  did.  She  was  once  an  actress. 
She  might  have  been  a  good  one — a  famous  one,  I 
think — but  that  she  had  so  many  lovers  and  amours. 
She  ran  off  with  a  southern  actor,  lived  with  him  a 


BREACH  OF  PROMISE.  71 

year  or  so,  went  to  a  watering-place,  met  the  man 
of  the  house  there,  ran  away  from  the  actor  with 
him,  and  called  him  her  uncle.  He  is  as  much  her 
uncle  as  I  am — no  more." 

«  Well  ?" 

"  Well;  there  are  a  great  many  things  done  in 
New  York  which  don't  square  with  the  golden  rule 
— lawyers  know  that.  You  know  something  of  us 
here,  but  you  know  little  of  the  wicked  ways  of  this 
wicked  city.  The  house  you  have  just  left  is  a  trap, 
and  but  for  your  precaution  in  concealing  your 
name  and  hotel,  you  would  have  been  caught.  You 
would  have  been  as  it  is,  probably,  had  I  not  found 
this  out ;  for  they  would  search  every  hotel  in  the 
city,  but  they  would  find  you. 

"  Your  safety  is  in  flight.  You  must  retreat  in 
the  morning,'  or  my  word  for  it  you  will  be  sued  for 
a  breach  of  promise  of  marriage  in  less  than  three 
days.  That  scene  was  all  arranged.  They  will 
make  out  a  case  against  you.  In  the  first  place, 
there  is  the  matrimonial  office;  the  keeper  will 
swear  to  the  facts  of  the  acquaintance.  It  was 
formed  avowedly  in  view  of  matrimony;  there  is 
your  writing  in  the  register — all  of  which  shows 
the  animus.  In  the  second  place,  the  repeated 
calls.  They  can  prove  two  and  insinuate  more. 


72  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

The  matrimonial  agent  will  not  remember  the  date 
of  jour  entrj  on  her  books — the  people  will  not 
remember  the  date  of  your  first  visit.  They  will 
say  it  might  have  ~been  four  weeks  that  you  were  in 
the  habit  of  calling,  though  they  cannot  swear  posi- 
tively. In  the  third  place,  there  were  three  eye- 
witnesses of  the  fainting  scene,  besides  the  girl  her- 
self; and  I  have  no  doubt  the  young  man  is  a  lond 
fide  witness,  invited  there  without  any  knowledge 
of  the  conspiracy.  Could  a  lawyer  ask  a  better 
case  with  which  to  go  before  a  jury  ?" 

"  But  are  you  sure  there  is  a  conspiracy  ?" 
"  I  know  it ;  that  is,  I  am  morally  certain  of  it." 
"  But  she  must  have  known  the  advances  she 
made  would  disgust  me,  if  I  had  entertained   an 
idea  of  marrying  her." 

"  Exactly  so.  She  meant  to  disgust  you.  She  of 
course  had  no  more  idea  of  marrying  you  than  she 
has  of  marrying  me.  A  breach  of  promise  case 
was  what  she  was  after,  nothing  else." 

"Have  they  served  up  any  such  cases  before?" 
"  Yes.  I  have  seen  the  papers  for  four  similar 
cases,  and  rather  than  suffer  the  exposure,  trouble 
and  expense,  the  parties  settled.  One  man  gave 
$1,000,  another  $1,500,  another  $3,000,  and  another 
$4,000;  which,  I  have  no  doubt,  was  divided  up 


JENKINS  TAKES  LEG  BAIL.  73 

between  the  girl,  the  uncle,  the  servant  girl,  and 
perhaps  the  matrimonial  office." 

"  And  the  lawyer,"  Jenkins  suggested. 

"  Well,  the  lawyer  had  his  fee,  of  course,  but  I 
do  not  know  as  he  was  pa/rticeps  criminis" 

Jenkins  did  not  argue  the  morality  of  the  law- 
yer's part,  but  requested  him  to  let  him  know  if 
anything  occurred,  which  he  promised  to  do. 
"  The  next  morning  John  Quincy  Jenkins  left  for 
his  home  in  the  rural  districts,  two  or  three  days 
sooner  than  he  intended.  In  less  than  a  week  he 
received  a  letter  from  his  legal  friend,  in  which  he 
was  informed  that  the  next  day  after  his  last  visit 
to  Delia,  a  lawyer  was  applied  to,  as  he  expected, 
to  make  out  a  case  and  commence  proceedings 
against  John  Quincy  Jenkins,  for  breach  of  pro- 
mise of  marriage,  unless  it  was  settled.  At  the 
uncle's  suggestion,  the  lawyer  went  with  him  to  the 
Metropolitan  Hotel,  to  find  Mr.  Jenkins,  and  see  if 
he  would  not  compromise  ;  not  finding  that  worthy 
gentleman,  the  old  man  instituted  a  search  in  all 
the  prominent  hotels,  and  finding  no  such  name  on 
the  books,  concluded  that  Mr.  Jenkins  was  a  myth, 
and  consigned  the  individual  who  bore  that  name 
to  curses  and  to  history. 

4 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  Matrimonial  and  Patent  Medicine  Agency  of  Madame  Lebon — 
How  she  "  shows  the  Future  Husband  or  Wife,  and  makes  all 
Happy" — A  Novel  Manifestation  of  a  "  Clairvoyant  "—A  Flame 
with  the  Mercury  at  90°. 

THE  matrimonial  agency  of  Madame  Lebon,  175 
Hudson  street,  though  not  of  the  most  comprehen- 
sive, is  of  the  most  important  character. 

Is  there  a  young  man  or  woman  in  the  metropolis 
or  out  of  it,  who  would  not  give  a  fair  proportion 
of  his  fortune  to  have  the  exact  features  of  the 
being  whom  fate  has  decreed  to  bear  half  the  bur- 
dens of  life,  presented  in  a  box,  where  he  could 
contemplate  them  at  leisure?  Is  there  a  man  or 
woman  who  would  dislike  to  be  happy  ? 

If  such  exist,  they  had  better  not  visit  Madame 
Lebon  ;  for,  if  we  can  believe  her  advertisements, 
she  shows  the  future  husband  or  wife,  according 
to  the  gender  of  the  applicant,  and  fixes  the  happi- 
ness of  a  pair  so  securely  that  a  million  earthquakes 
cannot  budge  it  a  hair's  breadth. 

The    woman    who    possesses    these    miraculous 

T4 


FAT,  BUT   SPRIGHTLY.  75 

powers  describes  herself  as  an  "accomplished 
clairvoyant."  She  has  a  sprightly,  business-like 
way,  remarkable  in  one  of  her  shape,  since  the 
latitudinal  and  longitudinal  extension  of  her  visi- 
ble frame  are  of  nearly  equal  measurement.  She 
lives  in  a  decently-furnished  house,  also,  in  which 
she  has  the  advantage  of  most  women  who  unfold 
the  mysteries  of  the  future. 

A  friend  of  ours  who  has  witnessed  the  wonder- 
ful exhibition  which  she  readily  displays  on  pay- 
ment of  a  fee,  has  given  us  not  only  a  faithful 
description  of  what  was  done,  but  also  of  the  man- 
ner in  which  it  was  done.  His  communication  is 
nearly  in  the  following  language  : 

"When  I  called  upon  Madame  Lebon,  as  good 
fortune  would  have  it,  no  other  customer  was  in, 
and  I  was  admitted  to  an  immediate  audience  with 
that  mysterious  personage.  I  inquired  as  to  the 
nature  of  her  miracles,  and  she  replied  that  she 
would  examine  my  head,  give  my  peculiarities  of 
temperament  and  disposition,  tell  me  the  diseases 
to  which  I  was  liable,  prescribe  the  remedy,  answer 
all  questions  relative  to  absent  friends,  show  me  the 
woman  I  am  destined  to  marry,  and  make  the 
union  a  happy  one,  and  all  for  -  ^  :^ 

must  be  paid  in  advance. 


76  MATBIMONIAL  BKOKEKAGE. 

"  I  told  her  to  proceed,  and  she  placed  before  me, 
on  the  table,  a  round  piece  of  brass,  about  five 
inches  long  and  an  inch  in  diameter,  which  ap- 
peared to  be  solid,  and  told  me  to  put  my  hand  on 
it.  She  then  inquired  my  age,  and  proceeded  with 
what  she  called  an  astrological  calculation,  rapidly 
writing  a  number  of  unmeaning  characters  upon  a 
piece  of  paper. 

" c  You  were  born,'  she  proceeded  to  say  in  a 
very  rapid  manner,  '  under  a  night  planet,  between 
Jupiter  and  Mars — nearer  Mars.  You  have  seen 
trouble  under  that  planet,  and  will  see  more ;  but 
a  change  is  before  you,  and  you  will  see  better 
days.  You  will  change  your  business — the  change 
will  be  beneficial — you  will  be  better  pleased  than 
in  your  present  position.  Do  you  dream  a  good 
deal?' 

"  '  I  dream  occasionally.' 

"  <  Oh,  yes ;  now  you  see  I  tell  you  the  truth. 
You  dream.  All  persons  who  are /born  under  a 
night  planet  dream;  so  you  see  you  were  born 
under  a  night  planet  as  I  told  you.' 

"  As  Madame  Lebon  styles  herself  a  clairvoyant, 
and  as  she  seemed  to  be  in  a  normal  condition,  and 
chatted  about  a  variety  of  things  with  great  ver- 
bosity, I  called  her  attention  to  this  point,  by  saying : 


LEBON   IN   A   CLAIRVOYANT   STATE.  77 

" ( I  see,  madame,  by  your  advertisement,  that 
you  are  a  clairvoyant  ?' 

"  *  Yes,  I  am  a  clairvoyant.' 

"  c  Are  you  now  in  a  clairvoyant  state  ?' 

"  { Yes ;  I  am  in  the  clairvoyant  state.  I  am  not 
in  a  trance  state,  however.  I  am  a  clairvoyant  of 
a  peculiar  kind.' 

" c  I  should  think  so.  I  had  supposed  that  a 
clairvoyant  found  it  necessary  at  least  to  concen- 
trate the  mind  upon  the  subject  under  considera- 
tion; but  I  observe  that  you  talk  on  different 
subjects  as  freely  as  though  you  were  in  a  natural 
state.' 

"  c  Yes ;  that  is  the  peculiarity  of  my  clairvoyant 
powers.' 

"  She  proceeded  with  a  phrenological  examina- 
tion, which  lasted  about  a  minute ;  said  something 
about  sickness  among  my  distant  friends,  and  made 
a  number  of  vague,  general  remarks,  perfectly  non- 
committal in  their  character,  all  of  which  were 
thickly  interlarded  with  talk  of  business,  phreno- 
logy, patent  medicines,  etc. 

" ( We  are  doing  a  great  deal  of  business — 
crowded  with  customers — wonderful  things  con- 
stantly done  here — times  hard,  however — charge 
only  fifty  cents — yon  are  nervous  temperament — 


78  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

you  want  a  wife  of  a  good  disposition,  who  will  not 
go  romping  about,  but  stay  at  home  and  mind  the 
family,  and  not  be  extravagant — now  isn't  that 
true  ?  You  are  sometimes  bilious — we  have  an  ex- 
cellent medicine  at  fifty  cents  a  bottle.  -You  are 
inclined  to  liver  complaint ;  it  is  only  in  the  bud 
now,  but  will  blossom  out  soon  if  you  don't  cure  it. 
A  bottle  of  our  medicine  would  cure  you  ;  and  it  is 
particularly  necessary  in  hot  weather.  People  are 
to  blame  who  will  not  buy  it  when  it  is  so  cheap. 
Every  person's  blood  needs  cleansing — your  blood 
is  bad,  and  will  soon  be  worse  if  it  is  not  attended 
to — there  is  nothing  in  the  world  like  our  medicine 
to  purify  the  blood — and  only  fifty  cents  a  bottle. 
You  are  not  over  fond  of  children — would  like  a 
family,  but  not  too  many  children — if  you  don't 
want  a  bottle  of  the  medicine,  however,  I  won't 
urge  you.  "We  do  not  make  it  for  money,  but  for 
the  good  of  mankind — have  effected  great  cures — 
miraculous  cures — cases  all  the  doctors  had  given 
up.  We  seek  to  do  good  and  cure  people,  and  not 
to  get  their  money,  as  you  see  ;  for  we  only  charge 
fifty  cents.  Is  there  any  question  you  wish  to  ask 
about  friends  or  business  ?' 

" c  I  see  you  advertise  to  show  the  future  wife, 
and   to    make    all   happy.     I  came   especially  to 


FUTURE   WIFE  DESCRIBED.  79 

see  the  person  I  am  to  marry,  and  to  be  made 
happy.' 

"  i  Oh,  yes,  I  will  show  you  your  future  wife. 
Place  your  hand  upon  this  (again  pointing  to  the 
mysterious  piece  of  brass).  You  know  a  dark- 
haired  girl  with  dark  eyes.  She  parts  her  hair  in 
the  middle !  She  is  quite  fond  of  you — you  like 
her.  She  will  make  you  a  good  wife.  Do  you  not 
believe  it  ?' 

"  As  madame  made  these  remarks,  she  cast  a 
searching  look  into  my  face,  to  see  if  there  were 
any  signs  of  pleasure  or  surprise ;  but  failing  to 
discover  any,  she  proceeded  in  her  usual  rapid 
manner : 

" '  But  I  perceive,  also,  that  there  is  a  light- 
haired  girl  who  is  fond  of  you.  She  parts  her  hair 
in  the  middle  !  She  now  has  on  a  black  dress  ;  she 
does  not  always  wear  a  black  dress ;  but  she  has 
one  on  now.  She  will  make  you  a  good  wife.' 

"  Madame  cast  another  searching  glance,  but 
again  failing  to  detect  any  expression  of  feeling,  she 
asked : 

"  '  Do  you  not  kmyw  a  light-haired  girl  ?' 

"  £  I  have  seen  one.' 

"  '  Yes  ;  I  thought  so — I  mean  I  know  you  have, 
and  you  can  marry  her,  and  she  will  make  you  a 


80  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

good  wife.  Her  disposition  is  well  adapted  to  you. 
Now  would  you  like  to  see  your  future  wife  ?' 

"  <  Yes ;  certainly.' 

" <  Well,  then,  step  into  the  parlor  a  moment, 
while  I  raise  her.  Will  you  see  the  dark-haired 
one  or  the  light-haired  one  ?  (Without  waiting  for 
an  answer.)  The  light-haired  one  ?  Yes,  of  course ; 
you  shall  see  her.' 

"  { Let  me  understand,  if  you  please.  Am  I  to 
see  the  real  woman  herself,  or  her  daguerreotype, 
or  spirit  ?' 

"  '  You  are  to  see  the  wife — that  is,  I  raise  her.' 

"  { Do  you  mean  that  she  will  actually  stand  be- 
fore me  in  flesh  and  blood,  with  hair  parted  in  the 
middle,  and  the  black  dress  on,  so  that  I  can  shake 
her  hand,  and  converse  with  her  ?' 

"  *  No,  no !  You  will  see  her,  and  that  is 
enough.  That  is  what  I  promise  to  do,  and  that  1 
do.  Please  step  into  the  parlor.' 

"  I  waited  in  the  parlor  a  few  minutes,  until  the 
man  in  attendance  informed  me  that  all  was  ready. 
I  then  returned  to  the  presence  of  Madame  Lebon, 
and  found  a  bright  flame  blazing  upon  the  hearth, 
notwithstanding  the  weather  was  excessively  hot. 

"  '  Have  you  raised  her  ?'  I  asked. 

« <  Yes.' 


Madame  Lebon  shows  the  Future  Wife.— PAGE  81. 


QUESTIONING   THE   MYSTERIES.  81 

"  <  Where  is  she  V 

"  '  You  shall  see.' 

"  <  What  has  the  fire  to  do  w^h  it  ?' 

"  '  That  is  one  of  the  mysteries  of  my  art,  which 
I  must  not  reveal.' 

" c  Does  the  spirit  who  presides  over  these  in- 
cantations demand  a  flame,  with  the  mercury  at 
ninety  ?' 

"  '  You  need  not  question  the  mysteries.  These 
things  are  beyond  your  power  to  know.' 

"  c  Do  you  always  have  a  fire  when  you  "  raise  " 
t  ic  future  wife  or  husband  ?' 

" '  Yes.' 

"  i  I  judge,  then,  that  the  deity  of  your  conjura- 
tions is  fond  of  fire.  Does  he  reside  in  a  hot  cli- 
mate ?' 

"  f  Silence,  if  you  please  !  Do  not  question  the 
mysteries  you  cannot  comprehend !'  said  madame, 
with  an  angry  and  mysterious  air.  i  If  you  would 
see  your  wife — that  is,  the  light-haired  one — step 
this  way  to  the  window.' 

"  llaving  placed  myself  at  the  window,  she 
handed  me  the  same  piece  of  brass,  which  I  now 
saw  was  a  box,  or  tube,  closed  at  one  end.  She 
pointed  with  her  hand  towards  the  sun,  waved  it 
about  her  head,  pointed  to  the  flame,  and  then  said, 

4* 


82  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

«'  Behold!' 

"I  looked  into  the  brass  box,  and  at  the  bottom 
saw  a  miniature  daguerreotype  of  a  very  pretty 
woman,  with  light  hair  and  a  black  dress. 

"  <  You  know  it  ?'  she  said. 

"  <  Can't  say  that  I  do.' 

"  c  It  resembles  some  one  you  have  seen,  or  re- 
calls some  cherished  ideal  of  your  mind,  does  it 
not?' 

" { It  looks  like  the  picture  of  a  very  pretty 
woman,  and  I  have  seen  many  pretty  women.' 

"  c  Ah,  I  thought  it  was  the  one.  You  might  as 
well  own  it  at  once.  Now  is  there  any  question 
you  would  like  to  ask?  [Without  waiting  an 
answer.]  No  ?  "Well,  then,  if  there  is  no  question, 
that  is  all,  unless  you  want  a  bottle  of  the  medicine. 
Let  me  show  you.  Will  you  take  one  ?  It  will  do 
you  good.' 

"  { !N"o ;  I  only  came  to  see  my  future  wife  and 
be  made  happy.  You  have  shown  me  the  light- 
haired  woman ;  now  what  is  it  about  being 
happy  ?' 

" '  Oh,  of  course.  I  have  told  you  the  light- 
haired  woman  is  the  one  that  will  make  you  a  good 
wife,  and  that  she  will  marry  you.  I  tell  who  is 
adapted  to  people,  and  show  the  person  whom  they 


HOW   MADAME   MAKES   ALL   HAPPY.  83 

ought  to  marry,  and  that  is  the  way  I  make  all 
happy?  " 

As  brass  is  abundant,  and  daguerreotypes  are 
cheap,  a  very  small  sum  will  set  one  up  in  Madame 
Lebon's  business.  Only  four  twenty-five  cent  pic- 
tures will  be  needed — a  light-haired  and  dark- 
haired  lady,  and  a  light-haired  and  dark-haired 
man,  to  be  slipped  into  the  brass  box  as  occasion 
requires.  The  ceremony  of  the  flame  might  be 
omitted  in  warm  weather. 


CHAPTEE  IX. 

"  A  dear  sweet  little  Opera  Singer " — A  South  Carolinian  in  a 
Matrimonial  Office,  and  in  Love — The  Broker's  Opinion  of 
Northern  and  Southern  Gentlemen — A  crusty  Father  forbids  the 
Bans — A  projected  Elopement,  and  a  highly  entertaining  Denoue- 
ment. 

LESS  than  a  year  ago,  a  man  from  South  Carolina, 
giving  the  name  of  Julian  St.  Cloud,  called  at  a 
matrimonial  office  in  this  city,  and  expressed  the 
opinion  that  it  is  not  good  for  man  to  be  alone. 
The  broker  was  pleased  with  his  appearance,  and 
the  formidable  roll  of  bills  from  which  he  paid  his 
fee  did  not  lessen  her  good  opinion. 

"  The  Southern  gentleman,"  said  she,  "  has  a  code 
of  conduct  which  is  not  understood  in  the  North. 
I  can  trust  him.  I  know  a  Southron's  word  means 
something.,  I  have  lived  in  the  South,  and  know 
that  the  laws  of  chivalry,  courtesy,  and  honor, 
characterize  the  Southern  gentleman,  while  the 
Northerners,  compared  with  them,  are  a  set  of 
boors.  They  are  a  meddlesome  gang  of  speculators, 
swindlers,  and  adventurers.  You  cannot  trust 

84 


NORTHERNERS  PRONOUNCED  BOORS.       85 

them — can't  believe  what  they  say.  They  lie  even 
when  the  truth  would  serve  the  same  purpose. 
But  the  word  of  a  real  Southern  gentleman  is  all 
the  pledge  or  security  I  want." 

Mr.  St.  Cloud  modestly  admitted  the  justice  of 
her  remarks,  and  praised  her  discrimination. 

"  "When  a  real  gentleman,  like  you,  calls  upon 
me,"  resumed  the  broker,  u  I  do  all  I  can  for  him. 
It  is  a  pleasure  ;  and  even  looking  at  it  in  a  selfish 
point  of  view,  I  never  lose  anything  by  it.  I  have 
some  very  fine  and  highly  respectable  ladies  on  my 
list.  Indeed,  it  has  been  my  constant  aim  to  have 
no  other,  and- if  there  was  the  slightest  suspicious 
appearance,  I  have  invariably  refused  to  introduce 
such.  In  this  way  I  have  established  a  reputation 
of  respectability  for  my  house,  so  that  some  of  the 
first  ladies  in  the  city  come  here  as  candidates  for 
matrimony.  Of  course,  the  only  way  such  a  repu- 
tation could  be  established  is  by  dealing  always 
fairly.  I  know  there  have  been  tricks  played  at 
other  offices  ;  but  I  am  determined  that  there  shall 
never  be  any  cause  to  complain  of  me.  What  kind 
of  a  lady  do  you  think  would  please  you  ?" 

"  As  to  that,"  replied  the  Saint,  « it  is  difficult  to 
tell  who  would  please  me  until  I  saw  her." 

"How  would    you    like   to    be   introduced    to 


86  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

a  beautiful  lady  who  understands  music  per- 
fectly?" 

"  Other  things  favorable,  I  should  like  it." 

"  Well,  I  have  a  dear,  sweet  little  opera  singer. 

She  livjes  with  her  father,  a  physician,  in  

street,  has  studied  under  the  best  masters,  and  is 
one  of  the  most  accomplished  persons,  in  every  re- 
spect, I  ever  saw,  and  is  so  beautiful  and  charming 
I  am  sure  you  would  fall  in  love  with  her." 

"  You  say  she  is  an  opera  singer.  Does  she  sing 
at  the  Academy  ?" 

"  No ;  her  father  will  not  allow  her  to.  He  is 
too  proud  for  that.  But  she  has  sung  in  private 
circles  with  great  success,  and  won  the  applause  of 
the  best  critics.  She  wants  to  go  to  Havana,  and 
if  she  can  get  her  father's  consent  to  make  the  jour- 
ney, intends  to  appear  under  an  assumed  name, 
without  his  knowledge.  She  is  a  sweet  little 
woman,  and  as  keen  as  a  brier." 

"  Is  she  wealthy  ?" 

"  She  has  money  enough — that  is,  her  father  is 
rich.  She  has  spent  a  good  deal  in  educating  her- 
self ;  but  that  is  all  over  now,  and  she  could  earn 
money  faster  than  she  has  spent  it,  if  her  father 
wpuld  consent  to  her  appearance." 

"  And  she  is  not  engaged  ?" 


A  .SEMI-ITALIAN.  87 

"  "No.  She  has  had  several  good  offers,  but  has 
refused  them  all. 

"Why?" 

"  Simply  because  she  didn't  fall  in  love.  She  is 
a  true-hearted,  honest  girl,  and  is  more  anxious  to 
get  a  husband  who  can  love  and  appreciate  her, 
than  one  who  is  rich.  She  left  here  a  few  minutes 
since.  I  wish  you  could  have  seen  her." 

It  was  settled  that  St.  Cloud  should  call  the  next 
afternoon,  and  be  introduced,  which  he  did. 

He  met  a  small  woman  with  black  hair,  sparkling 
black  eyes,  and  Italian  features.  Her  manners 
were  pleasing  and  vivacious,  and  the  Saint  found 
no  (Jifficulty  in  getting  acquainted. 

Conversation  turned  upon  the  opera.  "  I  should 
judge,"  he  observed,  "  that  you  have  Italian  blood." 

"  I  have.     It  comes  from  my  mother,  an  Italian." 

"It  is  natural,  then,  that  you  should  excel  us 
Americans  in  your  devotion  to  music.  Italy,  the 
land  of  love  and  of  song,  has  given  you  her  blood  ; 
I  doubt  not  her  genius  also." 

"  Do  not  flatter  me.  I  am  not  a  genius.  I  am, 
however,  very  fond  of  singing  and  music  of  all 
kinds.  I  have  spent  three  years  on  the  continent, 
and  studied  under  the  best  Italian  masters.  It  has 
been  an  expensive  and 'laborious  task." 


8S  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  Undoubtedly ;  but  the  accomplishment  fully 
compensates  you.  I  know  of  nothing  which  would 
so  much  please  me  as  to  be  a  musician.  But  it  is 
of  no  use ;  I  might  practise  and  study  until  the 
crack  of  doom,  and  be  as  far  from  my  object  as  at 
the  beginning."" 

"  You  are  not  a  musician,  then  ?" 

"  No,  indeed,  I  am  not.  But  that  does  not  pre- 
vent me  from  admiring  and  loving  music.  If  I 
cannot  sing,  I  can  appreciate  singing." 

"  The  next  thing  to  doing  it  yourself,"  replied 
miss. 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?" 

"  I  certainly  do.  It  has  been  said  the  next  thing 
to  being  a  poet  is  to  be  capable  of  appreciating  a 
poet.  There  can  be  no  appreciation  without  a  sym- 
pathy of  feeling  and  taste  ;  and  such  sympathy  puts 
the  artist  and  admirer  upon  equal  grounds.  The 
same  is  true  of  music  and  everything  else,  good  or 
bad." 

"  Then  perhaps  I  may  find  favor  in  your  eyes," 
replied ^the  Saint.  "  I  am  sure  I  should  love  your 
music  ;  for  it  would  require  double  stupidity  not  to 
appreciate  the  gifts  of  Apollo  in  one  who  also  pos- 
sesses the  favor  of  Venus." 

After  further  conversation,  in  which  the  little 


A   SNATCH   OF  LA   TK  AVI  ATA.  89 

woman  discoursed  of  ancient  and  modern  literature 
with  equal  fluency,  she  said  : 

"  You  go  to  the  opera,  of  course  ?" 

"  Yes ;  I  am  passionately  fond  of  it." 

"  "What  is  your  favorite  ?" 

"  La  Traviata  pleases  me  quite  as  much  as  any  I 
have  heard.  I  am  not  capable  of  giving  a  critical 
opinion ;  but  nothing  delights  me  more  than  the 
drinking  song  in  the  second  scene.  I  always  cry 
encore" 

"  Oh,  yes,  that  is  a  gem,  indeed,"  eagerly  replied 
the  semi-Italian,  her  face  glowing  with  delight,  and 
immediately  sung : 

"  Libiamo,  libiamo  ne'  lieti  calici, 
Che  la  bellezza  infiora,"  etc. 

"  Bravo  !  encore  !"  said  the  Saint,  with  unaffected 
admiration.  "  "Were  I  in  Mr.  Ullman's  place,  I 
would  elect  you  prima  donna  at  once,  if  I  had  to 
make  La  Grange  and  Gazzaniga  take  a  back  seat 
to  give  you  room." 

"  You  are  extravagant  again.  But  do  you  really 
think  I  can  sing  ?" 

"  Candidly,  I  do.  If  your  voice  is  powerful 
enough  to  fill  a  large  hall,  I  believe  you  could  take 
rank  with  the  first." 


90  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEKAGE. 

"  I  will  not  deny  that  your  praise  is  grateful.  I 
Lave  labored  long  and  ardently — it  has  been  the 
highest  ambition  of  my  life  to  deserve  what  you 
say  I  deserve,  and  a  little  vanity  in  this  may,  I 
think,  be  excused." 

"  I  must  go  home  now,"  the  little  woman  con- 
tinued, after  a  pause,  drawing  an  elegant  gold  watch 
from  her  waist ;  and  acting  with  characteristic 
promptness,  was  going  out  without  any  ceremony, 
when  she  was  stopped  by  the  Saint. 

"  A  word  more,  if  you  please,"  he  said.  "  Allow 
me  to  say  frankly  that  I  am  greatly  pleased,  and 
desire  to  make  your  acquaintance.  Can  I  call  upon 
you  at  home  ?" 

"  Oh,  no !  I  cannot  invite  a  stranger  to  my 
house.  It  would  do  me  no  harm  to  meet  a  man 
here  who  was  a  humbug.  But  I  cannot  invite  a 
person  to  my  father's  house  until  I  know  he  is  not 
a  humbug.  I  like  your  appearance,  and  presume 
your  professions  are  true ;  but  supposition  is  not 
sufficient." 

"  I  will  furnish  references,"  said  the  Saint. 

"  Yery  well ;  when  the  references  are  examined 
and  proven,  I  will  invite  you  to  call.  Until  then 
it  is  not  to  be  spoken  of." 

you  meet  me  here  3" 


THE   SAINT   IS   CAUGHT.  91 

"  Yes." 

"To-morrow?" 

c  Yes ;"  and  she  was  off  in  an  instant. 

"  Didn't  I  tell  you  the  truth  ?"  said  the  broker, 
after  the  girl  had  gone. 

"  Yes,  upon  my  soul,  I  am  half  in  love  already. 
Beautiful  form — sparkling  eyes,  witty,  quick,  ambi- 
tious, proud,  sweet — a  magnificent  voice — nothing 
less  than  charming  at  every  point.  What  does  she 
say  of  me  2" 

"  Likes  you  much — is  really  pleased,  I  assure 
you ;  but  is  too  much  on  her  guard  to  invite  a 
stranger  to  her  house." 

"  She  is  right.  But  to-morrow  I  will  give  my 
references." 

And  the  next  day  the  Saint  did  give  references, 
which  the  "sweet,  dear  little  opera  singer"  said 
she  would  examine.  In  due  time  she  reported 
favorably,  and  invited  him  to  call  at  her  father's 
residence,  ~No.  — , street. 

He  called  and  was  introduced  to  the  old  gentle- 
man, a  crusty  man,  who  seemed  wholly  absorbed 
in  books.  There  was  a  physician's  sign  on  the  door, 
but  no  indications  of  practice. 

The  courtship  progressed  rapidly,  and  the  Saint 
proposed.  He  was  referred  to  the  father.  The  old 


92  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

man  again  looked  over  the  references,  made  sundry 
inquiries  relative  to  the  Saint's  pecuniary  affairs, 
future  plans,  etc.,  an'd  finally  said  : 

"I  am  satisfied,  Mr.  St.  Cloud ;  but  I  will  con- 
sent to  this  marriage  only  upon  one  condition." 

"  Name  it,"  said  the  Saint  eagerly. 

"  My  daughter  is  a  fool." 

"  Indeed,  sir,  I  do  not  understand  you." 

"  She  is  a  fool,  sir!  She  has  taken  into  her  head 
that  she  can  sing.  She  can,  as  far  as  that  is  con- 
cerned, and  I  have  spared  neither  care  nor  money 
to  give  her  a  perfect  musical  education,  as  you 
know;  but  how"  am  I  rewarded?  She  is  deter- 
mined to  appear  publicly ;  and  to  that  I  will  never 
consent — never !  never !  In  short,  if  you  will  not 
promise  never  to  encourage,  never  to  permit  her  to 
carry  out  this  silly,  monstrous  design,  I  forbid  the 
marriage." 

"  I  offered  my  hand  to  your  daughter,  sir, 
because  I  love  her  as  she  is,  and  I  do  not  consider 
myself  at  liberty  to  make  any  such  promise.  I  am 
bound  in  honor  to  say,  that  I  should  trust  the  mat- 
ter to  her  own  discretion." 

"Discretion  be  hanged!  If  she  loves  you 
enough  to  renounce  her  monstrous  design,  it  is 
well.  If  you  both  insist,  you  must  never  enter  this 


A   CBISIS.  93 

house  again.  I  give  you  one  day  to  consider,"  and 
with  a  respectful  bow,  the  parent  signified  that  he 
had  no  more  to  say. 

Saint  Cloud  had  omitted  to  state,  in  his  commu- 
nication to  the  crusty  father,  that  the  daughter, 
in  accepting  his  proposal,  made  it  a  condition  that 
she  should  be  allowed  to  exercise  her  own  "  discre- 
tion "  in  the  matter  of  singing  publicly. 

An  immediate  interview  took  place  between  the 
Saint  and  his  lady-love,  in  which  the  former  made 
known  the  old  gentleman's  position. 

"  Cruel  man !"  said  she,  bursting  into  tears.  "  I 
do  believe  that  if  you  desired  it,  I  should  be  wil- 
ling to  abandon  my  life- long  ambition;  but  this 
rash  promise  to  him  I  cannot  and  shall  not 
make." 

"  But  will  he  insist  ?" 

"  Insist  ?  Yes !  When  he  says  a  thing  he  sticks 
to  it  without  reference  to  consequences.  Nothing 
changes  his  determination.  We  might  as  well 
appeal  to  a  marble  statue.'-' 

""What,  then,  can  we  do?" 

"  I  don't  know.     I  must  be  guided  by  you." 

"  We  have  but  one  day  to  decide.  If  we  do  not 
accede  to  your  father's  demand,  I  shall  not  be  per- 
mitted again  to  enter  the  house." . 


94  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

"  You  must  decide." 

"Well,  then,"  said  Saint  Cloud,  "his  demand  is 
unreasonable,  and  we  will  not  submit.  "Will  you 
marry  me  contrary  to  Ms  wishes  3" 

"  But  he  will  disinherit  me — I  shall  be  penniless. 
Can  you  love  me  enough  to  take  me  poor  ?" 

"  I  care  not  a  fig  how  soon  he  disinherits  you  on 
my  own  account.  I  scorn  such  base  considera- 
tions. I  have  enough ;  and  if  I  had  not,  I  would 
earn  my  bread  by  ditch-digging  before  I  would 
make  a  promise  contrary  to  your  wishes." 

"  Good,  generous  man,  it  shall  be  as  you  say." 

As  business  demanded  Mr.  Saint  Cloud's  atten- 
tion, it  was  decided  that  he  should  go  home  and 
return  to  New  York  at  a  given  time,  when  the 
wedding  should  immediately  take  place. 

"I  have,"  said  the  Saint,  "deposited  to  your 
credit  $1,000  in  Bank ;  here  is  the  certi- 
ficate." 

"  I  cannot  take  it." 

"  But  you  must.  Suppose  your  father  learns  our 
secret?  You  will,  perhaps,  be  turned  out  of 
doors.  And  in  any  case  you  will  have  some 
expenses  to  meet.  In  short,  you  must  take 
it." 

The  lady  took  it  with  much  seeming  reluctance, 


AN  IMPOKTANT   DISCOVERY.  95 

and  Mr.  Saint  Cloud,  after  an  affectionate  parting 
with  his  betrothed,  returned  to  his  home. 

A  week  passed,  and  contrary  to  expectation,  he 
received  no  letter.  He  wrota  repeatedly ;  there 
was  no  answer,  and  at  the  end  of  a  month,  unable 
longer  to  bear  the  suspense,  he  came  to  New  York 
to  solve  the  riddle. 

On  the  morning  after  his  arrival,  he  went  anx- 
iously to  the  doctor's  house.  It  was  closed,  and  on 
the  side  of  the  door  was  a  notice :  "  To  let,  this 
house  and  furnitue,  inquire  of ." 

The  disappointed  Saint  immediately  went  to  the 
agent  indicated  by  the  bill. 

"  I  see,  sir,  that  No.  — , street  is  to  be  let, 

with  the  furniture.  "Who  is  the  proprietor  ?" 

"  I  am." 

"  Have  you  owned  it  long  ?" 

"  I  built  and  furnished  it.  My  wife  died,  and  I 
rented  it." 

"  To  whom  ?" 

"  I  rented  it  to  a  man  calling  himself  Doctor . 

He  professed  to  be  very  wealthy,  and  to  have  lived 
formerly  in  Charleston ;  but  said  his  affairs  were  in 
confusion,  and  when  his  first  quarter's  rent  came 
due,  asked,  as  a  favor,  that  I  would  wait  until  the 
second  quarter's  pay  day.  I  thought  it  was  all 


96  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

right,  and  trusted  him.  But  when  the  second 
quarter  came  round,  he  eloped  with  his  daughter ; 
and  besides  cheating 'me  out  of  my  rent,  carried 
off  some  valuable  books  I  had  left  there  for  tempo- 
rary keeping." 

"  Do  you  know  where  he  went  to  ?" 

"  No.  I  wish  1  did ;  I'd  take  the  rent  out  of  his 
hide  if  I  could  find  him." 

Mr.  Saint  Cloud  left  for  South  Carolina  the  same 
afternoon,  and  has  not  been  seen  in  New  York 
since. 


CHAPTEE   X. 

The  brief  but  qonclusive  Experience  of  Paul  Pike,  Harness-maker, 
with  a  Matrimonial  Advertiser — He  meets  her  on  Union  Park — 
He  takes  a  Walk— He  stoops  to  pick  up  a  Gold  Watch,  and  ia 
glad  to  pick  himself  up. 

PAUL  PIKE,  harness-maker,  is  a  bachelor,  thirty-two 
years  of  age,  who  has  made  about  as  many  efforts 
to  get  married  as  he  has  made  tugs  or  hold-back 
straps,  but  has  never  yet  succeeded  in  his  laudable 
design. 

Mr.  Pike  is  one  of  the  vainest  men  that  breathes. 
He  listens  to  you  with  a  look  of  impatience  and 
pain,  as  though  it  were  mere  waste  of  time,  and 
when  you  have  finished,  proceeds,  with  a  triumph- 
ant sneer,  to  demolish,  as  he  thinks,  all  the  fallacies 
to  which  you  have  given  utterance. 

Mr.  Pike,  in  short,  thinks  himself  a  model, 
morally,  physically,  and  intellectually,  and  believes 
that  the  woman  whom  he  marries  will  be  the  most 
honored  and  distinguished  woman  in  the  city  of 

New  York. 

5  w 


98  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

But,  unfortunately,  Mr.  Pike  is  the  only  person 
who  thinks  so ;  and  several  ladies  to  whom  he  has 
made  advances,  unable  to  appreciate  the  royal 
qualities  which  so  elevate  him  in  his  own  esteem, 
have  treated  him  with  indifference  or  contempt. 

Mr.  Pike,  to  his  intense  amazement  and  great  in- 
dignation, had  recently  met  with  this  unaccount- 
able treatment  at  the  hands  of  a  lady,  when  his  eye 
rested  upon  a  matrimonial  advertisement,  in  which 
it  was  represented  that  a  young  woman  of  educa- 
tion and  refinement  desired  to  make  the  acquaint- 
ance of  a  gentleman  of  good  intellectual  abilities, 
who  was  manly,  industrious,  and  economical — 
qualities  which  the  advertiser  esteemed  more  highly 
than  wealth  or  position.  Any  sincere  gentleman  of 
this  description  was  invited  to  a  free  interchange  of 
views  through  the  Post-office. 

Mr.  Pike  thought  it  a  sensible  advertisement,  and 
immediately  conceived  that  in  him  the  lady  might 
find  a  full  realization  of  her  ideal.  His  industry 
and  economy  were  proverbial,  and  if  the  lady  was 
as  penetrating  as  her  advertisement  indicated,  she 
could  not  fail  to  discover  that  his  intellectual  parts 
were  brilliant. 

Therefore,  Mr.  Pike  answered  the  advertisement. 
He  stated  his  worldly  circumstances  and  prospects 


PIKE   UNBOSOMS    HIMSELF.  99 

with  the  great  minuteness  for  which  he  is  cele- 
brated, and  then  proceeded  to  bestow  upon  himself 
an  elaborate  eulogy,  in  which  he  enumerated  all 
his  good  qualities,  and  praised  them  as  they  ap- 
peared to  deserve.  He  "  spoke  with  less  hesitation," 
he  wrote,  "  since  Miss  Gay  had  requested  an  honest 
interchange  of  views  ;  and  he  felt  persuaded,  from 
the  high  tone  of  her  advertisement,  that  if  they 
should  ever  become  acquainted,  she  would  not 
fail  to  properly  estimate  his  qualities  of  mind  and 
heart." 

"  In  short,"  wrote  Mr.  Pike,  "  it  has  been  my  lot 
to  live,  move,  and  have  a  being  among  grovelling 
worms  of  the  dust,  who  have  not  the  soul,  heart,  or 
mind,  either  to  aspire  to  the  high  intellectual  stand- 
ard I  set  up  in  youth,  and  have  attained  only  by 
the  most  severe  and  persevering  labor,  or  to  appre- 
ciate the  gifts  of  genius  and  the  accomplishments  oi 
study,  in  those  better  than  themselves." 

To  this  modest  epistle,  Mr.  Pike  in  due  time  re- 
ceived a  highly  flattering  answer,  in  which  he  was 
assured  that  his  letter,  "  in  every  line,  bore  unmis- 
takable evidences  of  sincerity  and  superior  intel- 
lectual brilliancy." 

Mr.  Pike,  believing  that  he  had  at  last  found  a 
woman  capable  of  appreciating  him,  wrote  an 


100  MATRIMONIAL   BEOKEKAGE. 

ardent  reply,  urging  an  immediate  interview,  and 
clearly  intimating  that  lie  was  ready  to  marry  im- 
mediately, provided  he  was  as  well  satisfied  with 
the  personal  appearance  and  social  faculties  of  the 
fair  unknown,  as  he  was  with  her  letter. 

The  second  epistle  which  Mr.  Pike  received  was 
as  prompt  and  decisive  as  he  could  possibly  have 
wished.  He  was  assured  that  Miss  Gay  "  had  read 
his  letters  over  and  over  again,  with  ever  increased 
pleasure  and  admiration,  not  only  for  the  deep  tone 
of  sincerity  which  pervaded  them,  but  for  the  high 
mental  qualities  which  could  not  fail  to  be  dis- 
cerned." She  was  anxious  to  see  him,  and  begged 
that  he  would  condescend  to  meet  her  in  Union 
Square  the  next  Wednesday  evening.  "  If  it  is 
pleasant,"  said  she,  "  I  will  walk  with  my  brother, 
and  hope  to  find  you  at  the  south  gate  at  precisely 
nine  o'clock.  Please  wear  a  white  ribbon  in  the 
left  buttonhole  of  your  coat,  if  the  coat  is  black, 
and  a  black  one  if  it  is  white.  I  will  say  to  my 
brother,  i  Here  is  an  old  friend,'  and  will  then 
speak  to  you.  You  must  be  pleased  to  see  me,  in- 
quire after  my  welfare  since  our  last  meeting,  and 
finally  beg  leave  to  escort  me  home.  This  little 
deception  can  harm  no  one.  I  live  in  Hoboken, 
some  distance  from  the  ferry  ;  and  will  frankly  tell  . 


THE   MEETING   IN   THE   PARK.  101 

you  that  it  would  do  much  to  wiv.  tfie  esteem  of  ray 
family,  who  are  somewhat  vain,  if  you  should  order 
a  fine  carriage  after  we  cross  the  river,  and  invite 
my  sisters  to  ride  with  us,  after  you  are  introduced. 
1  say  for  the  good  of  our  plan,  that  a  pretty  liberal 
way  of  doing  things  at  the  commencement,  will  be 
likely  to  turn  the  scale  in  your  favor  with  the  other 
members  of  the  family.  Do  not  think  I  care  for 
these  vain  things ;  but  it  is  best  sometimes  to  con- 
form to  the  wishes  of  others." 

Mr.  Pike  forthwith  wrote  a  labored  reply,  in 
which  he  signified  his  "  entire  approbation  of  the 
plan,"  and  expressed  his  "  warm  admiration  for  the 
forethought  it  displayed." 

The  momentous  Wednesday  night  was  clear  and 
beautiful.  The  moonlight,  it  occurred  to  Mr.  Pike, 
was  appropriate  to  the  romantic  adventure  he  had 
in  hand.  He  donned  a  faultless  white  coat,  took  a 
hundred  dollars,  with  which  to  do  things  on  a 
liberal  scale,  and  having  arrived  at  the  southern 
gate  of  Union,  Park,  about  five  minutes  before  the 
appointed  time,  adjusted  a  black  ribbon  in  a  but- 
tonhole on  his  left  side. 

At  nine  o'clock  precisely,  a  veiled  lady,  leaning 
on  the  arm  of  a  stalwart  man,  approached,  and 
looking  at  Mr.  Pike,  came  hastily  to  him,  shook  his 


102  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

liandrwarmly;  inquired"  after  his  welfare,  etc.  Mr. 
Pike  did  liis  part  well,  and  having  been  introduced 
to  the  brother,  asked  leave  to  walk  with  them. 

The  brother,  whose  appearance  did  not  particu- 
larly please  Mr.  Pike,  remarked,  in  a  bungling 
manner,  that  he  wished  to  make  a  short  call  up 
town,  and  since  his  sister  had  been  so  fortunate  as 
to  meet  an  old  acquaintance,  he  would  ask  to  be 
excused,  hoping  to  join  them  at  the  ferry.  Mr. 
Pike  took  Miss  Gay's  arm,  and  signified  his  readi- 
ness to  follow  her  lead. 

"  We  have  to  go  through  rather  an  unpleasant 
district,"  remarked  the  lady,  who  had  not  yet 
deigned  to  show  her  face  to  her  new  companion  ; 
"but  it  is  pleasant  on  the  other  side  of  the 
river." 

Mr.  Pike,  as  he  walked  through  the  west  side  of 
the  town,  was  convinced  that  Miss  Gay  had  spoken 
the  truth.  He  paid  little  attention  to  the  locality, 
however,  as  the  stranger's  flattering  remarks  effect- 
ually soothed  whatever  apprehensions  he  might 
otherwise  have  felt. 

At  length  they  approached  the  river,  and  were 
passing  a  lumber-yard,  when  Miss  Gay  suddenly 
pointed  to  the  ground  between  two  piles  of  boards, 
and  asked : 


The  Unhappy  Situation  of  Paul  Pike,  Harness  Maker.— PAGE  103. 


PIKE   SEES   A   SIX- SHOOTER.  103 

"  Mr.  Pike,  what  is  that  object  on  the  ground? 
It  looks  to  me  like  a  gold  watch." 

Mr.  Pike,  in  whom  the  instinct  to  get  and  keep 
was  not  wanting,  immediately  went  to  the  place, 
and  stooped  to  pick  up  the  prize.  But,  as  he  bent 
over,  a  man  suddenly  darted  from  behind  a  pile  of 
lumber,  and  giving  him  an  unwelcome  blow  on  the 
back  of  the  head,  knocked  the  petrified  Paul  flat 
on  the  earth,  as  motionless  with  terror  as  an  iron 
pike,  and  instantly  seizing  him  by  the  collar,  drag- 
ged him  where  he  could  not  be  seen  by  any  passers- 
by.  Then,  presenting  a  six-shooter  at  his  breast,  he 
solemnly  assured  his  prostrate  victim  that  if  he 
stirred,  spoke,  or  resisted,  he  would  send  a  bullet 
through  his  body,  and  give  him  a  good  night's  rest. 

Having  quieted  Paul  with  this  friendly  assurance, 
he  took  every  dollar  from  his  pocket,  stripped  him 
of  his  gold  watch  and  chain,  and  did  not  spare  even 
his  pocket-knife,  gold  studs  or  sleeve-buttons. 

"  Now,"  remarked  the  remorseless  robber,  "  you 
live,  move,  and  have  a  being  among  grovelling 
worms  of  the  dust ;  but  you  are  watched  by  a  man 
who  has  a  double-barrelled  narcotic,  and  if  you  stir 
before  the  moon  sinks,  he  will  administer  a  dose 
that  will  quiet  your  nerves." 

Mr.  Pike  had  been  so  terrified  that  he  had  not 


104:  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

particularly  observed  the  features  of  the  robber ; 
but  he  recognized  the  quotation  from  his  first  letter 
to  Miss  Gay,  looked  at  him  closely,  and  discovered 
that  he  was  no  other  than  the  stalwart  brother  he 
met  in  Union  Square. 

Mr.  Pike,  believing  himself  watched,  lay  on  the 
earth  until  the  moon  disappeared,  reflecting  upon 
the  serenity  of  the  stars,  and  contrasting  it  with  his 
agitated  feelings.  "When  at  last  only  the  gas  lamps 
illuminated  the  city,  he  crawled  from  his  prison 
and  went  home  as  fast  as  his  legs  could  carry  him. 
His  experience,  though  brief,  cost  him  over  $200, 
and  was  so  satisfactory  that  he  has  been  content 
without  repeating  his  experiment. 


CHAPTER    XI. 

Madame  Mar,  the  Phrenologist  and  Matrimonial  Agent — Her 
Account  of  Herself — How  she  becomes  another  Person — Dress- 
ing in  Men's  Clothing — Conquest  of  a  New  Orleans  Belle — Canes 
from  Washington's  Estate — Selling  a  Man  the  Chart  of  another 
Man's  Head — A  Sea  Captain  in  Search  of  a  Wife — He  is  sent  to 
Brooklyn — Results  of  his  Journey. 

MADAME  MAE,  of  176  Yarick  street,  advertises 
that  she  has  a  "  study  "  connected  with  the  science 
of  phrenology,  which  enables  her  to  tell  one's  age, 
character,  and  circumstances ;  when  and  what  kind 
of  a  person  he  will  marry,  etc.  It  is  neither  for- 
tune-telling nor  guess-work,  she  asserts,  but  a 
science,  founded  upon  infallible  principles  of  nature. 
She  can  calculate  a  man's  destiny  from  the  lumps 
on  his  cranium  with  as  much  certainty  as  an  astro- 
nomer can  calculate  an  eclipse. 

The  madame  is  about  forty  years  of  age.  The 
assiduous  services  she  renders  mankind,  prevent  a 
decent  amount  of  attention  to  the  cleanliness  of  her 
person  and  apartments. 

r*  105 


106  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Oi5  her  table  are  one  of  Fowler's  plaster-of-paris 
heads,  blank  charts  for  examinations,  and  all  the 
paraphernalia  of  a  phrenologist,  besides  copies  of 
the  Ledger  (the  same  for  which  Sylvan  us  Cobb  and 
Emerson  Bennett  write  only),  the  Adventures  of 
Dick  Turpin,  and  kindred  literary  treasures. 

Her  science,  or  "  study,"  as  she  calls  it,  consists 
of  measuring  with  the  fingers  from  one  bump  to 
another,  which  she  does  with  a  studious  and  wise 
look,  repeating,  half-audibly,  "  one-and-a-half — a 
half — two — three — that  is  seven — that  indicates 
long  life  to  a  certainty," — or  similar  jargon,  re- 
sembling a  mathematical  calculation ;  she  then 
goes  on  to  announce  the  character  and  destiny  of 
her  visitor  with  an  air  of  perfect  confidence. 

She  has  also,  in  connection  with  her  business,  a 
matrimonial  agency,  conducted  on  the  plan  of  those 
already  described.  Her  fitness  to  take  charge  of 
people's  love  affairs  will  appear  from  some  of  her 
operations,  as  related  by  herself. 

She  advertises  that  she  is  assisted  by  Mad.  Gore, 
a  "  celebrated  clairvoyant,"  who  can  see  the  inside 
of  a  man's  head  as  easily  as  she  (Mar)  can  see  the 
outside,  and  who  will  describe  diseases  and  pre- 
scribe remedies  with  wonderful  accuracy. 

But  it  happens  that  this  clot  of  Gore  is  a  myth, 


MAK    BECOMES    (M.UK.  107 

or  rather,  Madame  Mar  and  Madame  Gore  are  one 
and  the  same  person. 

When  a  stranger  rings  the  bell,  madame  goes  to 
the  door  and  asks,  "  Whom  do  you  wish  to  see  ?" 
If  the  reply  is,  "  Madame  Mar,"  she  says,  "  I  am 
Madame  Mar,"  and  if  the  reply  is,  "  Madame 
Gore,"  she  says,  "  I  am  Madame  Gore,"  and  per- 
forms the  extraordinary  offices  of  either,  according 
to  the  wishes  of  her  customer. 

If  a  person  calls  to  see  Madame  Mar,  and  sub- 
sequently wishes  to  see  Madame  Gore,  she  goes  up 
stairs  to  learn  if  that  being-  is  at  liberty,  slips  on  a 
venerable  white  wig,  powders  her  face,  and  throws 
on  a  loose  robe,  and  descending,  informs  the 
subject,  in  a  faltering  voice,  that  she  is  Madame 
Gore,  and  invites  him  to  her  room. 

If  customers  call  to  see  Madame  Gore  at  a  time 
when  Madame  Mar  is  engaged,  she  tells  them 
Madame  Gore's  time  is  fully  occupied  for  the  day, 
and  that  they  must  call  again  if  they  would  see 
her*  But  it  seldom  happens  that  she  is  called 
upon  to  practise  either  of  these  arts  of  trade. 

"  When  I  lived  in  New  Orleans,"  said  Madame 
Mar,  "  I  was  stopping  at  a  hotel  in  which  a  grand 
ball  came  off.  With  the  connivance  of  one  of  the 
managers,  who  introduced  me  as  a  distinguished 


108  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKP^KAGE. 

visitor  from  New  York,  I  dressed  in  an  elegant  suit 
of  gentlemen's  clothes,  and  cut  a  great  figure 
among  the  women.  I  make  a  good-looking  man,  I 
tell  you.  I  flirted  with  the  belles  and  heiresses  all 
night.  It  was  good  fun  to  flirt  with  a  girl  a  little 
and  then  leave  her  and  see  how  jealous  she  would 
look. 

"  I  have  done  a  good  deal  in  the  way  of  dressing 
up  in  men's  clothing,  and  can  pass  for  a  man  any 
time  I  do  so  without  suspicion.  I  have  found  it 
very  convenient  sometimes  in  business  matters. 

"  On  the  night  of  the  ball,  the  manager  whis- 
pered that  I  was  a  millionaire  from  the  Fifth 
Avenue,  and  single.  This  of  course  created  a  sen- 
sation, and  I  was  the  lion  of  the  evening,  notwith- 
standing several  dignitaries  were  present.  I  bor- 
rowed an  elegant  gold  chain  and  diamond  pin  of  a 
gentleman  with  whom  I  was  on  intimate  terms, 
and  these  were  at  once  a  passport  and  indorse- 
ment. 

"  Before  the  party  broke  up  I  took  occasion  to 
address  myself  particularly  to  the  daughter  of  a 
very  wealthy  man,  and  talked  love  to  her  as  I 
know  I  should  like  to  have  it  talked  to  me,  if  I 
were  as  young  and  handsome  as  she.  The  result 
was  an  invitation  to  call  upon  her,  which  I  did  the 


MT.  VERNON  CANES.  109 

next  evening.  I  should  have  followed  the  joke, 
and  engaged  to  marry  her,  but  I  had  to  leave  for 
St.  Louis  in  a  few  days.  So  I  wrote  her  a  note, 
saying  I  had  just  received  intelligence  of  the  death 
of  a  wealthy  relative,  whose  affairs  I  must  settle, 
and  that  the  business  would  require  my  absence  in 
Europe  for  several  months." 

Whatever  doubts  may  be  entertained  as  to  the 
truth  of  this  story,  no  one  who  looks  upon  the  mas- 
culine features  of  the  madame  can  doubt  that  in 
male  attire  she  would  easily  pass  for  a  man. 
r  The  madame  relates  one  of  her  pecuniary  specu- 
lations in  this  wise : 

"  I  was  once  in  the  city  of  "Washington,  examining 
heads,  etc.,  and  had  rather  bad  luck.  I  couldn't 
make  much  more  than  my  board,  and  determined 
in  some  way  to  raise  the  wind.  So  I  one  day 
sent  the  man  who  travelled  with  me  to  the 
swamp,  where  he  cut  two  hundred  sticks.  These 
he  drew  to  the  city,  according  to  my  orders,  and 
put  them  on  the -streets  to  sell  as  canes  cut  from 
the  Mount  Yernon  estate,  and  all  of  them  were 
sold  for  a  dollar  apiece. 

"  I  don't  suppose,"  added  the  madame,  "  that  a 
single  man  who  bought  a  cane  cared  any  more  for 
"Washington  than  I  do ;  but  they  thought  it  would 


110  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

be  a  nice  idea  to  have  a  cane  from  his  farm,  and 
they  never  knew  the  difference.  I  tell  you  there  is 
nothing  like  humbug.  People  will  pay  more  for  it 
than  anything  else;  and  so  long  as  they  will  be 
humbugged,  I  might  as  well  make  something  off 
of  it  as  anybody. 

"  A  man  once  came  here  and  ordered  a  chart  of 
his  head,  which  I  made  out  for  him ;  but  he  was 
dissatisfied  and  refused  to  take  it.  A  few  days 
afterwards,  another  gentleman  called  for  a  chart. 
I  buy  my  blanks  of  Fowler  &  "Wells,  and,  as  it 
happened,  the  one  filled  up  w^as  the  only  one  I  had. 
I  was  bound  not  to  lose  the  chance  ;  so,  after  going 
through  with  the  examination,  I  stepped  into  the 
next  room  and  erased  the  name  of  the  former  man, 
which  was  written  with  a  pencil,  and.  inserted  that 
of  the  new  customer,  and  then  gave  it  to  him  with- 
out further  alterations.  I  suppose  fie  never  knew 
but  he  had  a  chart  of  his  own  head,  and  it  did  him 
just  as  much  good." 

With  so  many  business  accomplishments,  Madame 
Mar  could  but  succeed  as  a  matrimonial  agent. 

A  sea  captain,  who  had  lived  in  single  blessedness 
to  thirty-five,  and  whose  skin  was  tanned  by  the 
tropical  sun,  came  to  this  port  a  few  months  since. 
He  expected  to  remain  several  weeks,  and  deter- 


THE   CAPTAIX   MADE    HAPPY.  Ill 

mined  to  improve  the  time  in  finding  a  wife.  In 
looking  over  the  papers  he  discovered  the  madame's 
advertisement,  and  resolved  to  avail  himself  of  her 
services.  He  accordingly  called,  and  stated  his 
errand. 

"What  kind  of  a  wife  do  you  want?"  asked 
madame. 

The  son  of  Neptune  described  the  ideal  of  his 
imagination,  and  Madame  Mar,  like  a  true  mer- 
chant, assured  the  captain  she  had  the  article  he 
wanted. 

"  A  few  days  ago,"  said  she,  "  a  beautiful  young 
lady  came  here  and  had  her  head  examined.  She 
said  she  wanted  to  marry  a  sailor ;  that  ever  since 
she  could  remember,  she  had  a  great  desire  to  live 
on  a  ship  ;  and  she  described  the  kind  of  husband 
she  wanted.  I  perceive  by  the  formation  of  your 
head,"  said  madame,  running  her  hand  over  the  cap- 
tain's top-piece,  "  that  you  are  the  man  she  wants  ; 
you  could  not  have  suited  better  had  you  been 
made  to  her  order." 

The  captain  was  in  ecstasies.  He  thought  of  his 
long  solitary  voyages,  the  many  prayers  he  had 
breathed  to  the  sea  for  domestic  bliss ;  and  now  the 
angel  of  his  dreams  was  to  come  forth,  full  armed 
with  every  grace,  at  the  waving  of  the  enchantress's 


112  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

wand,  as  Minerva  came  forth  from  the  head  of 
Jove. 

"  What  will  it  cost,"  asked  the  captain,  "  to 
make  this  lady's  acquaintance  ?" 

"  As  to  that,"  said  the  madame,  "  I  should 
charge  nothing  if  I  was  not  obliged  to;  but  I 
must  eat  and  drink,  and  buy  coal,  as  other  people 
do." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  captain. 

"  I  have  paid  considerable  postage,  etc.  for  the 
girl,  and  have  taken  a  good  deal  of  interest  in  her 
case,  and  I  presume  you  are  willing  to  do  what  is 
right  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  captain,  his  hand  already 
on  his  pocket-book ;  "  name  the  amount  and  it  shall 
be  paid." 

"  "Well,"  resumed  the  madame,  "  under  all  the 
circumstances  of  the  case,  I  don't  think  ten  dollars 
would  any  more  than  make  me  good." 

The  captain's  response  was  brief  and  to  the 
point.  He  counted  out  the  ten  dollars  with  alac- 
rity. In  return  he"  received  a  card  with  a  name  in 
the  feminine  gender,  and  a  street  and  number  writ- 
ten upon  it.  He  was  also  instructed  in  reference  to 
the  route,  and  cautioned  to  be  very  careful  not  to 
mistake  the  place. 


THE  CAPTAIN  GOES  TO  BROOKLYN.       113 

"You  need  no  further  introduction  than  my 
name,"  Madame  Mar  assured  him.  "Tell  her  I 
have  looked  at  your  head  scientifically,  and  pro- 
nounce you  her  congenial  mate." 

With  this  encouraging  assurance,  the  captain  set 
out  on  his  amorous  excursion  with  a  light  heart. 
As  directed,  he  went  first  to  the  Brooklyn  City 
Hall,  and  there  took  a  car  upon  one  of  the  avenues 
leading  out  of  the  city.  At  the  terminus  he  looked 
in  vain  for  the  street  designated  on  his  card  ;  but 
after  much  diligent  inquiry  was  directed  to  it. 
After  a  half-hour's  tramp,  which  took  him  beyond 
the  Celtic  huts,  and  made  him  sweat  like  a  man  at 
the  anvil,  he  found  it.  It  was  a  street  recently  laid 
out,  and  contained  only  four  houses,  none  of  which 
were  very  attractive  in  external  appearance,  and 
none  of  which  were  numbered. 

"  This  is  the  street,"  soliloquized  the  captain ; 
but  how  the  deuce  comes  it  that  the  card  says, '  ISTo. 
50,'  when  there  are  only  four  houses  on  it  ?  The 
lots  must  be  numbered.  Yes,  I'm  sure  that's  it. 
I'll  inquire  at  each  house,  if  I  don't  find  her  before 
I  come  to  the  last  one." 

In  accordance  with  this  determination,  the  hero 
of  this  adventure  went  to  the  door  of  the  first  house. 
There  was  no  bell,  and  he  rapped  sharply  with  his 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

knuckles.  He  heard  a  footstep,  and  his  heart  was 
in  his  throat.  It  might  be  Mary  herself.  But  no  ! 
the  door  opened,  and  an  Irishwoman,  with  red 
round  face  and  redder  hair,  stood  before  him. 

"  Does  Mary  Fillmore  live  here  ?"  he  inquired, 
holding  up  his  card  and  reading  it,  so  as  to  be  sure 
and  not  make  a  mistake. 

"  Mary  Fillmore,  do  ye  say  ?  Who  is  Mary  Fill- 
more  ?"  was  the  response  to  his  question. 

"  She  is  a  young  lady  I  wish  to  see.  Is  she  at 
home  ?" 

"Home?  Sure,  she  may  be  at  home  for  all's  I 
know  uv  her." 

"  She  doesn't  live  here,  then  ?" 

"  Live  here  ?  ~No.  Thomas  O'Heara  lives  here, 
an'  his  sister  Clara,  whose  husband,  God  pity  her, 
was  kilt  by  the  falling  of  a  thimber  down  on  the  big 
building  they're  putting  up  on  the  corner  uv  the 
avenue.  But  Thomas  O'Heara — that's  me  lioos- 
band,  God  bless  him — isn't  the  man  as'll  see  a  sis- 
ther  turned  out  of  doors  while  he's  a  shelter,  and 
he  tould  her  she  might  come  here,  and  she's 
living  with  us  for  the  present,  sir ;  but  it's  may 
be" 

The  captain  interrupted  the  narrative  of  the  ver- 
bose wife  by  asking : 


THE   CAPTAIN   IN   DESPAIR.  115 

"  Is  there  such  a  person  as  Mary  Fillmore  living 
on  this  street  ?" 

"  Strate  ?  This  strate  is  no  strate  at  all,  at  all. 
It's  but  jist  laid  oot,  and  there's  no  more  nor  four 
houses  on  it.  In  the  next  house  there's  Jemmy 
O'Brien — the  same,  yer  honor,  as  dhrives  a  cart  on 
the  avenue.  He's  got  a  wife  an'  four  little  ones. 
An'  in  the  next  house  is  Mr.  O'Flannighan — that's 
three  ;  an'  in  the  next  there's  Mr.  Malone — Pathrick 
Malone,  sir,  as  carries  morther  on  the  new  Water 
Works,  an'  a  fine  job  he'll  have  uv  it,  to  be 
sure  " 

"  Then  you  don't  know  such  a  person  as  Mary 
Fillmore  in  the  street  ?"  inquired  the  captain,  again 
interrupting  the  narrative  of  the  loquacious  Mrs. 
O'Heara. 

"  IsTiver  a  bit  have  I  heard  uv  the  like  !" 

The  captain's  inquiries  at  the  three  remaining 
houses  confirmed  the  accuracy  of  Mrs.  O'lieara's 
catalogue  of  the  inhabitants  of  the  street.  Among 
the  Celts,  pigs,  and  poultry,  no  Mary  Fillmore  was 
to  be  found,  and  the  captain  was  suddenly  knocked 
from  the  highest  pinnacle  of  expectation  to  the  low- 
est depth  of  desperation  and  despair.  He  retraced 
his  steps  with  a  rage  which  was  at  least  cousin  to 
frenzy,  swearing  by  all  the  sea  nymphs  that  he 


116  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

would  not  sleep  until  lie  had  recovered  his  ten  dol- 
lars and  given  "  that  old  hag  a  piece  of  his  mind." 
But  his  journey  had  occupied  so  much  time  that 
before  he  reached  176  Yarick  street,  the  house  was 
dark,  the  prophetic  lips  of  Madame  Mar  and 
Madame  Gore  being  sealed  by  the  sleep  of  un- 
doubted innocence,  and  the  captain  postponed  his 
reckoning  until  the  next  day. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

The  Captain  Re-visits  the  Scene — He  meets  Madame  Gore — He  is 
Reconciled — He  is  Introduced— The  Heartrending  Narrative  of 
Miss  Mary  Fillmore — Material  Aid— The  Captain  in  Love — A 
"Wedding  on  Ship-board,  but  no  Bride. 

NEVER  be  it  forgotten  that  in  the  last  chapter  we 
left  the  disappointed  sea-captain  retreating  to  his 
hotel,  from  the  darkened  premises  of  the  phrenolo- 
gist, weary  with  his  Quixotic  journey  to  the  remote 
suburbs  of  Brooklyn,  regretting  the  ten  dollars  he 
had  invested  in  his  matrimonial  enterprise,  and 
breathing  hideous  ruin  and  combustion  against  the 
house  of  Mar. 

His  exasperated  feelings,  aided  by  countless 
entomological  annoyances,  kept  him  awake  the 
greater  part  of  the  night ;  and  as  he  tossed  about, 
he  improved  the  time  by  meditating  various  fear- 
ful schemes  of  vengeance.  Each  bite  of  his  noc- 
turnal companions  stimulated  his  determination ; 
and,  hence,  it  doth  appear  thai  every  time  a 
marauding  insect  inserted  a  tooth  into  his  heated 

11T 


118  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

flesh,  under  the  impression  that  he  was  biting  the 
captain,  he  was  in  fact  only  inflicting  torments  upon 
Madame  Mar — a  fact  greatly  to  be  lamented,  since 
the  madame  had  as  much  annoyance  of  this  kind 
at  home  as  she  could  well  abide. 

Scarcely  had  the  madame  arisen  next  morning 
and  eaten  her  breakfast,  when  the  door-bell  rang 
with  a  clamor  equalling  the  ordinary  clamor  of  a 
gong,  and  stepping  to  the  window,  she  perceived 
the  captain.  His  countenance  told  his  errand. 

The  madame  was  thoroughly  frightened.  To 
extricate  herself  from  her  embarrassing  position, 
temporarily,  until  some  expedient  could  be  hit 
upon,  she  resolved  to  play  the  "  Gore  "  dodge ;  and 
with  incredible  agility  put  on  the  venerable  wig 
and  robe ;  and  having  thus  transformed  herself  to 
Madame  Gore,  "  the  celebrated  clairvoyant,"  went 
to  the  door. 

"  "Where  is  Madame  Mar  ?"  thundered  the  fero- 
cious seaman,  in  a  voice  which  struck  terror  to  the 
heart  of  Gore. 

"  She  is  not  at  home,  sir.  She  went  away  last 
night,  and  has  not  yet  returned,"  replied  the 
madame,  at  the  same  time  inwardly  thanking  her 
stars  that  the  captain  did  not  penetrate  her  dis- 
guise. 


THE  CAPTAIN  EXPLODES.  119 

"  She  is  a  humbug !"  roared  the  cap-tain.  "  I 
want  to  see  her !  I  will  see  her !  I  will  follow  her 

to  the  end  of  the  earth  and but  what  I'll  have 

i 

satisfaction  for  the  trick  she  played  me  yesterday." 
"Why,  bless  my  soul!"  said  the  grey-haired 
Gore,  with  well-feigned  horror  and  astonishment, 
"  what  does  this  mean  ?  Are  you  mad,  sir  ?  Ma- 
dame Mar  play  a  trick!  Madame  Mar  is  not  a 
humbug,  sir ;  she  is  answerable  for  all  her  acts,  and 
if  you  will  speak  to  her  respectfully,  she  will  fully 
explain  anything  sue  has  done,  or  atone  for  any 
wrong  she  may  have  done  unintentionally.  Will 
you  walk  in  and  be  seated,  sir?" 

"  If  you  will  pay  me  the  ten  dollars  that  rascally 
woman  swindled  me  out  of,  and  five  dollars  for  my 
journey  to  Brooklyn,  I  will.  But  if  you  don't  do 
it,  I  will  wait  until  Madame  Mar  comes,  and  will 
tear  the  house  down  over  her  head  if  she  don't 
do  it." 

"  I  think,"  answered  Gore,  with  great  calmness, 
"you.  had  better  wait  until  you  get  over  this  pas- 
sion. Madame  Mar  will  be  at  home  by  three 
o'clock  this  afternoon,  and  if  you  will  speak  to  her 
respectfully,  and  state  your  case,  I  pledge  my  word 
she  will  satisfy  you.  But  if  you  rave  like  a  mad- 
man, she  will  not  hear  you." 


120  MATRIMONIAL  BKOKEKAGE. 

"  I  will  be  here,"  replied  the  son  of  Neptune, 
"  at  three  o'clock ;  and  if  she  don't  pay  me,  I'll 
publish  her  in  the  papers."  4 

It  is  said  there  are  times  when  even  the  hardest 
hearts  relent,  and  as  there  is  much  difference 
between  tearing  a  woman's  house  down  over  her 
head  and  publishing  her  in  the  papers,  it  is  prob- 
able that  this  time  had  arrived  in  the  history  of  the 
previously  ferocious  captain,  when  he  made  his  last 
threat  to  Madame  Gore.  In  fact  his  heart  was 
softened,  and  as  he  walked  away  he  reflected  that 
he  might  have  been  hasty;  it  was  possible  there 
was  a  mistake;  he  should  have  been  more  calm. 
The  more  he  thought  of  it,  the  more  the  good 
nature  which  he  really  possessed  got  the  upper 
hand  of  his  wrath,  and  when  he  again  rang  the 
bell  at  176  Yarick  street,  at  three  P.M.,  he  was 
ready  to  listen  to  any  excuse  or  proposition  the 
madame  might  have  to  offer. 

The  rnadame  received  him  very  graciously,  and 
came  to  the  point  directly,  by  saying : 

"  I  am  very  glad  you  called  here,  sir ;  I  was 
anxious  to  see  you.  Mary  Fillmore,  the  girl  you 
went  to  see  yesterday,  called  here  about  an 
hour  ago,  and  informed  me  that  she  moved 
two  or  three  weeks  since;  so  I  suppose  you  lost 


MARY  FTLLMOBE  APPEARS.          121 

your  journey.  I  told  her  of  you,  and  she  is 
anxious  to  see  you.  I  persuaded  her  to  remain, 
in  view  of  the  trouble  you  must  have  had  yes- 
terday ;  and  she  will  be  here  in  about  an 
hour." 

There  was  a  sudden  revolution  in  the  feelings  of 
the  worthy  captain.  From  the  deepest  despair  he 
was  suddenly  elevated  to  the  highest  hope.  He 
apologized  warmly  for  the  language  he  had  ad- 
dressed to  Madame  Gore  in  the  morning,  and  as  a 
further  expression  of  good  fellowship,  paid  two  dol- 
lars for  a  chart  of  his  head. 

In  about  an  hour,  as  Madame  Mar  had  predicted, 
the  long-sought  Mary  Fillmore  came,  and  the  cap- 
tain, covered  with  blushes  and  embarrassment,  was 
introduced. 

Mary  was  represented  as  being  eighteen ;  but  a 
practised  eye  would  have  pronounced  her  older. 
She  was  represented  as  being  beautiful :  perhaps 
she  was ;  that  is  a  matter  of  taste.  The  captain, 
who  had  seen  very  little  of  womankind,  thought 
her  so ;  and  if  the  captain  was  satisfied,  that  was 
enough. 

"Whatever  her  personal  charms,  she  won  his 
heart  before  the  clock  struck  five ;  and,  with  per- 
fect faith  in  the  assurance  of  "  congeniality  "  which 

6 


122  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Mar  had  given,  he  proposed  unqualified  matrimony 
before  it  struck  six. 

Mary  blushed  as  a  maiden  of  eighteen  is  ex- 
pected to  under  similar  circumstances.  She  could 
not  speak  for  a  long  time,  her  emotion  was  so 
obvious.  Finally,  she  said : 

"  Do  you  know  I  am  poor  ?" 

"  "What  of  that?"  replied  the  generous  sailor :  "  I 
have  enough  for  both  of  us.  I  had  rather  marry  a 
poor  girl  than  a  rich  one." 

"You  are  kind,  sir — very  kind  and  generous. 
But  perhaps  if  you  knew  how  very  poor  I  am,  you 
would  not  love  me." 

The  captain  protested  that  it  could  make"  no 
difference. 

"  I  could  tell  you  a  very  sad  history,  my  dear 
sir,  and  if,  after  you  hear  it,  you  still  love  me,  it 
shall  be  as  you  wish." 

The  captain,  sure  already  of  the  prize,  begged 
her  to  proceed. 

"  "Well,"  said  Mary,  "  my  father  was  once  well 
off.  He  kept  a  large  grocery  store  in  Canal  street, 
and  we  had  a  fine  house  up  town.  "When  I  was 
ten  years  old  my  mother  died.  The  effect  upon 
my  father  was  terrible.  He  was  unable  to  attend 
to  any  business  for  many  months,  and  for  a  long 


123 


time  we  despaired  of  his  life.  But  he  partially 
regained  his  health,  yet  he  was  broken-hearted, 
and  never  the  same  man.  He  had  so  long  neg- 
lected his  business  that  everything  had  gone 
wrong ;  in  fact,  he  never  was  able  to  do  business 
afterwards,  and  resolved  to  sell  all  he  had.  He 
was  bbliged  to,  or  part  of  it  at  least,  to  pay  off  the 
debts  incurred  during  his  sickness  ;  and  everything 
went  at  a  sacrifice.  After  he  had  converted  all 
his  property  to  cash,  we  travelled  three  years,  and 
I  got  so  I  loved  the  sea  better  than  the  land.  But 
this  travelling  was  fatal  to  our  fortunes.  When 
we  returned  we  had  but  very  little  left,  and  father 
was  more  disheartened  than  ever.  His  strength 
gave  way,  and  for  years  he  was  an  invalid.  I  had 
to  sew  through  the  day,  and  attend  to  him  through 
the  night,  and  nobody  can  guess  what  we  suffered. 
About  a  month  since  he  died  in  a  mean  room  over 
in  Brooklyn,  where  you  went  yesterday,  and  where 
we  lived  for  several  months.  I  got  into  debt  and 
am  now  working  the  best  way  I  can  to  pay  off  my 
debts  and  support  myself.  It  is  very  hard,  I  assure 
you ;  but  I  have  done  it  all  cheerfully  for  my  poor 
dear  father's  sake.  [Mary  here  burst  into  tears, 
and  the  sympathetic  captain  actually  put  his  arms 
around  her  and  kissed  her  repeatedly — the  first 


124:  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

offence  of  the  sort  he  ever  committed  in  his 
life.] 

"  Now  you  know  my  history,"  resumed  Mary, 
drying  her  tears ;  "  you  know  how  very  poor  I  am, 
and  in  debt,  too  ;  can  you  love  me  ?" 

In  reply  the  captain  repeated  his  former  offence, 
after  which  he  asked  her  how  much  she  owed. 

"  I  owe  $100,"  was  the  reply. 

"  That  can  be  very  easily  paid,"  said  the  captain, 
and  he  soon  counted  out  the  money.  "  But,"  he 
added,  "  you  will  need  some  things  for  the  wed- 
ding. Take  this  fifty  dollars  now,  and  let  me 
know  when  you  want  more." 

Mary  took  the  money,  protesting  that  the  cap- 
tain was  the  noblest  and  most  generous  man  in  the 
world ;  that  she  never  could  love  him  enough ; 
that  she  was  so  happy  it  seemed  like  a  dream, 
etc.,  etc. 

The  captain  asked  permission,  at  parting,  to  call 
upon  her  ;  but  she  said  she  had  no  place  to  receive 
him.  Besides,  she  wished  to  visit  some  of  her 
friends,  and  had  much  work  to  do.  But  she  would 
see  him  there  again. 

The  captain  was  permitted  several  interviews 
with  his  betrothed  at  the  madame's  house,  and  at 
each  interview  offered  money,  which  offers  were 


ROMANTIC   WEDDING   PLANNED.  125 

never  refused.  He  proposed  that  the  wedding 
should  take  place  at  madame's ;  but  Mar y  was  not 
quite  ready — she  had  clothes  to  make  and  much  to 
do.  "  Besides,"  she  added,  "  do  you  know  I  have  a 
great  desire  to  be  married  on  ship-board  ?  It  may 
be  foolish,  or  sentimental,  if  you  wish  to  call  it 
so  ;  but  it  is  true.  It  would  be  just  suited  to  my 
taste." 

The  captain,  who  readily  consented  to  everything 
proposed  by  his  lady-love,  was  much  pleased  with 
the  idea,  and  it  was  finally  determined  that  the 
ceremony  should  be  performed  on  the  vessel,  on 
the  morning  of  her  sailing.  The  crew  were  in- 
structed how  to  conduct  themselves  in  honor  of  the 
bride ;  they  were  all  treated  to  a  grand  supper  on 
the  night  preceding  the  wedding;  and  on  the 
morning  which  was  to  crown  the  captain's  bliss,  a 
clergyman  was  on  board,  ready  to  unite  the  twain 
in  the  bonds  of  matrimony. 

The  bride  had  promised  to  be  on  hand  precisely 
at  ten  o'clock,  and  the  captain  had  given  her  money 
with  which  to  hire  a  carriage.  But  ten  o'clock  came 
without  the  bride.  An  hour  passed,  and  the  cap- 
tain grew  uneasy ;  he  was  to  sail  at  two  P.M.  At 
twelve  o'clock,  the  expected  not  arriving,  he  con- 
cluded to  run  over  to  Madame  Mar's  and  see  what 


126  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

the  trouble  was ;  but  when  he  got  to  rna  dame's 
place  the  window-blinds  were  all  closed  ;  he  rung 
the  bell  furiously;  there  was  no  response.  The 
captain  saw  the  true  state  of  the  case;  he  was 
"  sold."  His  hopes,  like  the  spirits  of  Prospero's 
vision,  suddenly 

"  melted  into  air — into  thin  air," 

and  he  did  not  detain  his  ship  to  recall  them. 


CHAPTEE   XIII. 

Singular  Matrimonial  Errand  of  a  Member  of  a  Popular  Brook- 
lyn Church — Brokerage  applied  to  the  Next  World — Madame 
Mar  is  missed  from  the  accustomed  place — She  becomes  the 
Escaped  Wife  of  a  Mormon  Elder. 

THOSE  very  heathenish  old  heathen,  the  Druids, 
who,  according  to  the  received  accounts,  lived  in 
the  woods  on  exceedingly  plain  vegetable  diet,  and 
didn't  deserve  so  good  fare,  had  a  financial  system 
which  beat  the  beasts  of  "Wall  street.  They  bor- 
rowed money,  and  promised  to  pay  in  the  next 
world. 

Madame  Mar  should  have  been  a  Druidess,  for 
her  system  of  Matrimonial  Brokerage  extends 
to  the  next  world,  as  appears  from  the  following 
history : 

As  she  was  one  day  seated  at  her  table,  poring 
over  "  The  Road  to  Ruin  " — a  work  of  great  literary 
merit  and  undoubted  moral  tendency,  bound  in 
beautiful  yellow  paper — her  attention  was  dis- 
tracted from  the  absorbing  book  by  the  entrance  of 
a  richly  dressed,  stately  woman,  whose  bearing  and 

127 


128  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

manners  indicated  an  accomplished  lady.  She  was 
surprised  at  such  an  apparition  in  her  apartment, 
from  the  fact  that  her  female  visitors  are  generally 
ignorant  servant  girls,  or  despairing  old  maids,  who, 
having  failed  to  secure  husbands  by  the  ordinary 
methods,  as  a  dernier  ressort,  come  to  her.  She, 
therefore,  put  on  her  very  best  manners,  recalled 
the  pretty  words  of  the  dictionary,  and  received  the 
visitor  with  becoming  dignity. 

After  some  commonplace  conversation,  the  lady 
said : 

"  I  have  called  upon  a  very  singular  errand.  I 
wish,  in  the  first  place,  to  know  if  I  can  confide  to 
you  the  great  secret  of  my  life,  without  danger  of 
exposure  ?" 

"  Madame,"  replied  Mar,  with  much  apparent 
earnestness,  "  my  life  i&  devoted  to  the  good  of 
others.  I  read  the  destinies  which  nature  has 
traced  in  the  organization  of  the  human  mind,  to 
give  warning  of  danger  and  inspire  hope.  I  am  a 
woman  who  knows  what  life  is — what  love  is ;  I 
have  hoped,  suffered,  and  enjoyed ;  I  can  sympa- 
thize with  the  afflicted,  and  it  is  a  part  of  my  duty 
to  society  to  preserve  all  secrets  affecting  the  peace 
and  happiness  of  those  who  confide  to  me.  You 
can,  I  assure  you,  trust  me  to  the  fullest  extent." 


A  WIFE'S  CONFESSION.  129 

"  You  will  see  the  importance  of  secrecy  in  my 
case,"  responded  the  stranger.  "  Should  the  con- 
fession I  am  about  to  make  come  to  the  knowledge 
of  my  husband  or  society,  it  would  ruin  us  forever. 
I  move  in  the  best  circles  of  Brooklyn ;  I  am  a 
member  of  a  popular  Brooklyn  church ;  I  am  a 
wife  and  a  mother." 

"  Under  such  circumstances,"  replied  Mar,  "  it 
would  be  very  cruel  to  betray  your  confidence.  I 
promise  you  solemnly  to  deal  fairly." 

"  If  I  may  trust  you,  then,  and  I  believe  I  can," 
resumed  the  lady,  "  I  will  give  you  a  statement  of 
the  circumstances  which  have  brought  me  here,  to 
confess  a  secret  never  before  made  known  to  any 
human  being. 

"  I  do  not  love  my  husband.  He  is  a  good  man, 
and  all  that ;  but  I  do  not  love  him  ;  I  cannot  love 
him ;"  saying  which,  the  lady  looked  very  much 
abashed,  as  if  frightened  at  her  own  words,  and  said 
she  thought  she  had  better  say  no  more.  But 
Madame  Mar  was  not  the  person  to  lose  a  client, 
and  rallied  her  faltering  courage  : 

"  There  are  many  such  cases,  my  dear  madame — 
many  more  than  you  suspect.  I  understand  per- 
fectly the  cause  of  your  sorrow.  You  and  your 
husband  are  not  congenial.  Marriage  without  con- 

6* 


130  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

geniality  is  not  marriage — it  is  a  falsehood  to  the 
world,  and  a  sin  against  heaven.  Yet  it  is  a  misfor- 
tune that  must  sometimes  be  borne.  This  unhappi- 
ness  is  the  result  of  ignorance.  I  can  tell  who  are 
fitted  for  each  other.  The  principles  of  my  science 
are  infallible ;  and  if  people  would  marry  upon 
scientific  principles,  there  would  be  an  end  of  the 
misery  caused  by  unhappy  matches.  I  knew  by 
the  formation  of  your  head  that  you  were  unhappy 
with  your  husband ;  perhaps  you  need  not  be  al- 
ways. Confide  all  to  me  ;  if  I  cannot  relieve  your 
distress  altogether,  I  can  at  least  soothe  it." 
Thus  encouraged,  the  lady  proceeded  : 
"  Our  marriage  was  not  an  affair  of  our  own  so 
much  as  it  was  of  our  parents.  Our  families  were 
intimate,  wealthy,  and  exclusive,  and  before  we 
were  old  enough  to  know  the  .  meaning  of  love  or 
marriage,  it  was  decided  that  we  should  be  ma'n 
and  wife.  "We  were  taught  to  regard  it  as  a  fixed 
fact,  and  never  thought  of  a  possibility  of  anything 
lifferent.  At  the  time  agreed  upon  by  our  parents 
— when  we  were  too  young  to  marry — the  wedding 
took  place  as  arranged  ;  and  I  did  not  discover  for 
some  time  into  what  misery  I  had  been  plunged, 
apparently  by  my  own  consent,  but  really  by  the 
action  of  others,  in  which  I  had  no  hand." 


131 


"  And  for  which  you  were  not  responsible,"  sug- 
gested Mar. 

"After  a  while — and  it  was  not  a  long  while — my 
husband's  presence  became  repulsive  to  me,  and  I 
was  much  happier  when  he  was  away,  and  dreaded 
his  return.  But  we  had  children ;  I  was  proud  of 
my  position  as  the  wife  of  a  man  .whose  wealth 
gave  him  superiority,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  that 
neither  my  husband  nor  any  other  person  should 
ever  know  the  truth,  however  great  the  sacrifice  of 
feeling  it  might  require  of  me. 

"  There  is  a  physician  in  Brooklyn,  who  was  an 
intimate  friend  of  my  husband  before  our  marriage, 
and  who  used  to  visit  at  our  house.  I  felt  strangely 
attracted  towards  him.  I  was  at  his  wedding, 
which,  like  mine,  was  an  affair  of  the  families,  and 
then,  in  spite  of  my  own  struggles  with  the  feel- 
ings, I  discovered  the  truth — I  loved  him — and  I 
know  byxthe  looks  he  gives  me  when  we  meet,  and 
by  .his  conduct  towrards  me,  that  he  loves  me.  It 
is  a  hopeless  love.  My  only  earthly  happiness  is 
in  my  children,  and  how  wretched  I  sometimes  am 
God  only  knows." 

The  reader  of  these  articles  knows  that  we  have 
had  false  sighing,  false  fainting,  and  false  weeping"; 
and  the  writer  takes  a  dismal  pleasure  in  record- 


132  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

ing  that  at  this  stage  of  her  narrative,  the  lady 
burst  into  honest  tears.  The  great  sorrow  of  her 
life,  concealed  for  years,  and  causing  any  amount 
of  hope,  despair  and  remorse,  was  confessed  at 
last. 

But  how  unwise  of  the  poor  lady  to  confide  this 
story  to  Mar !  .  She  looked  at  the  case  entirely  in  a 
financial  aspect.  While  professing  the  deepest 
sympathy  with  the  afflicted  woman,  she  was  think- 
ing desperately  of  the  best  method  of  turning  her 
sorrow  into  ready  cash ;  and  when  the  visitor  had 
gone,  she  had  a  hearty  laugh  at  her  simplicity ; 
and  notwithstanding  the  solemn  pledges  of  invio- 
lable secrecy,  told  the  story  as  a  capital  joke. 

As  soon  as  the  lady  had  dried  her  tears,  she 
stated  her  errand : 

"  I  came  here,  Madame  Mar,  to  learn  if  the  doc- 
tor and  I  are  congenial  spirits,  and  if  we  are  des- 
tined to  ~be  'married  in  heaven  !  I  expect  no  happi- 
ness here  except  doing  my  duty  to  my  children, 
and  if  I  could  really  believe  in  such  a  union  in  the 
next  world,  I  think  I  should  be  reconciled  to  my 
lot  in  this." 

The  phrenologist,  writh  true  business  tact,  deter- 
mined so  to  arrange  matters  that  further  services 
would  be  required,  just  as  a  physician  gives  pow- 


A  SPIRITUAL   HUSBAND.  133 

ders  with  directions  to  call  on  him  again  when 
they  are  gone.  She  replied  that  in  her  opinion, 
from  the  statement  of  the  case,  the  lady  and  the 
doctor  were  congenial  spirits ;  but  in  order  to 
determine  fully,  she  must  see  both  of  them. 

It  was  accordingly  arranged  that  the  madame 
should  visit  her  customer  at  her  residence  on  a 
given  day.  She  went,  and  the  lady  found  it  neces- 
sary to  call  in  the  doctor  that  afternoon,  to  give 
some  advice  about  a  child's  health.  After  his 
departure,  the  madame  informed  the  lady  that  she 
had  given  the  doctor's  head  many  scientific  glances 
during  his  visit,  and  she  was  perfectly  satisfied  that 
he  was  her  congenial  companion. 

"  He,"  said  the  phrenologist,  "  is  your  husband, 
in  spite  of  the  law.  You  were  made  for  each 
other ;  and  however  you  may  be  separated,  I  per- 
ceive by  the  formation  of  your  heads,  that  you  are 
man  and  wife.' 

The  lady  now  came  to  the  practical  part,  and  as 
the  result  was  precisely  what  she  wanted,  and  as 
she  was  particularly  anxious  to  keep  on  the  right 
side  of  Mar,  now  that  she  possessed  her  secret,  she 
gave  her  a  very  handsome  roll  of  $5  bills — not  less 
than  ten,  nicely  folded  up. 

Inasmuch  as  Madame  Mar  is  a  very  honest  and 


131  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

disinterested  person  (as  clearly  appears  from  the 
transactions  in  which  we  have  seen  her  engaged),  it 
is  not  at  all  likely  that  she  has  levied  black  mail 
upon  the  Brooklyn  wife. 

But  the  public  will,  for  the  present  at  least,  be 
compelled  to  get  on  without  the  services  of  the 
renowned  Mar  and  celebrated  Gore.  She  had  an 
offer  to  go  about  the  country  as  the  escaped  wife 
of  a  Mormon  elder,  and  lecture  upon  Life  in  Salt 
Lake  City.  For  this  service  she  was  to  receive 
$5  per  day  and  expenses  paid.  She  hesitated 
whether  to  accept  it ;  but  as  her  friends  now  miss 
her  from  the  accustomed  place;  as  the  man 
pictured  on  her  window  curtain  no  longer  sits 
patiently  while  she  examines  his  head ;  as  the 
door-plate  inscribed  "  Madame  Mar  and  Madame 
Gore "  is  removed ;  as  her  advertisements  no 
longer  ornament  the  columns  of  the  Herald,  and 
as  strangers  now  dwell  in  the  habitation  of  176 
Yarick  street,  which  a  few  weeks  ago  was  the 
theatre  of  her  scientific  researches  and  triumphs, 
it  is  probable  that  she  has  accepted  the  offer,  and 
is  now  relating:  to  admiring;  audiences  in  the  rural 

o  o 

districts  her  sufferings  in  the  City  of  the  Prophet. 


CHAPTEE  XIY. 

The  Gipsy  Palmist  and  her  "  Secret  for  Gaining  the  Affections  of 
the  Opposite  Sex  " — The  Experiments  of  Mr.  Samuel  Alley  there- 
with. 

THE  individual  who  looks  upon  Samuel  Alley  sees 
before  Mm  a  tall,  well-formed  man,  with  high  brow, 
well-adjusted  black  hair  and  whiskers,  and  the  air 
of  a  commander.  If  he  would  never  speak,  (and 
he  seldom  does,)  he  might  pass  for  a  pattern  of 
wisdom ;  but  the  moment  he  opens  his  mouth  the 
illusion  is  at  an  end,  and  the  discriminating  listener 
at  once  perceives  with  all  his  external  appearance 
of  'greatness,  Mr.  Alley  is  only  a  very  ordinary 
man.  Phrenology  and  Physiognomy  are  ashamed 
of  themselves  whenever  Mr.  Alley's  voice  is  heard. 
Mr.  Alley  was  a  grocer's  clerk,  and  occupied  a 
small  room  in  the  vicinity  of  Clinton  Place,  taking 
his  meals  at  eating-houses,  or  going  without  them, 
according  to  the  state  of  his  finances ;  for  it  must 
be  admitted  that  if  he  was  called  on  to  choose 
between  a  billiard-table  and  a  dinner-table,  he 
generally  took  the  former. 

185 


136  MATRIMONIAL    BROKER  AGE. 

In  truth,  Mr.  Alley's  sins,  both  of  omission  and 
of  commission,  were  manifold  as  the  hair  upon  his 
head  and  face,  (and  many  were  the  hairs  on  his 
head  and  face,)  and  notwithstanding  his  reverend 
and  solemn  aspect,  he  was  as  sorely  given  to  "  un- 
godly revelrie  "  as  his  means  would  allow. 

If  ever  Mr.  Alley  was  sufficiently  in  funds,  and 
could  spare  the  time  from  his  ordinary  debauch,  he 
went  to  the  theatre — the  only  public  institution,  in 
his  estimation,  worthy  the  patronage  of  a  free  and 
enlightened  citizen. 

It  was  at  Burton's  that  Mr.  Alley  one  night  saw 
a  young  lady  with  whom  he  fell  in  love,  not  hesi- 
tatingly, but  headlong.  He  kept  his  eye  on  her 
through  the  play,  and  slily  followed  her  home, 
carefully  noting  down  the  number  of  her  residence 
in  Clinton  place.  A  patient  devotion  of  two  weeks 
discovered  to  the  smitten  Samuel  the  name  of  the 
smiter;  but  this  knowledge  availed  him  nothing. 
How  could  he,  a  poor  grocer's  clerk,  ignorant,  with 
nothing  except  bad  habits  to  start  with  in  life,  get 
inside  of  that  fine  mansion,  and  win  his  ideal,  was  a 
question  which  greatly  perplexed  Samuel  from  the 
rising  of  the  sun  to  the  going  down  thereof;  and 
one,  too,  which  disturbed  his  rest.  He  concluded 
that  the  thing  was  impossible,  grew  misanthropic, 


SAMUEL   VISITS   THE   GIPSY.  137 

and  drank  and  swore  worse  than  ever,  as  he  con- 
templated the  great  difference  in  the  chances  of  a 
rich  man  and  a  poor  one. 

In  this  sorrowful  posture  of  his  affairs,  Mr.  Alley 
saw  one  morning  the  advertisement  of  the  "  Gipsy 
Palmist,  407  Grand  street,"  who  announced  that  she 
discovered  all  the  secrets  of  one's  life,  and  had  "  a 
secret  for  gaining  the  affections  of  the  opposite 
sex." 

The  Gipsy  is  a  woman  over  thirty  years  old, 
with  a  pitted  and  unclean  face,  and  long  finger 
nails,  with  a  distinct  and  palpable  line  of  dirt 
under  each: 

To  this  enchantress  Samuel  went  with  newly- 
awakened  hopes,  and  poured  out  his  complaints. 
He  pictured  the  violent  love  he  had  experienced, 
the  despair  it  had  occasioned  him,  and  asked  if 
she  could  do  anything  for  him,  assuring  her  that 
if  she  did,  she  would  win  his  gratitude,  and  more 
substantial  rewards,  since  the  young  lady  was  rich. 

The  Gipsy  held  out  the  most  flattering  hopes. 
It  made.no  difference,  she  assured  him,  whether  he 
was  rich  or  poor.  Even  though  an  entire  stranger 
to  the  object  of  his  affection,  and  separated  from 
her  by  the  widest  social  differences  and  dissimilar- 
ity of  taste,  the  potent  mixture  which  she  prepared 


138  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

•would  level  all  obstacles,  and  in  fifteen  or  twenty 
days  realize  his  most  sanguine  dreams.  It  mat- 
tered not,  so  far  as  the  effect  was  concerned, 
whether  his  motive  was  good  or  bad ;  the  charm 
would  in  any  case  subdue  the  most  obdurate  heart ; 
yet  she  cautioned  Mr.  Alley,  in  using  it,  to  be  very 
careful  to  express  the  very  wish  he  felt — the  very 
intention  he  cherished — because  the  conjuration 
would  subject  the  young  lady  entirely  to  his  views, 
and  her  own  feelings  would  in  a  very  short  time 
correspond  to  his  wish  precisely  as  he  uttered  it ; 
and  those  feelings  would  remain  unchangeable  for- 
ever. Therefore  Mr.  Alley  should  ponder  the 
responsibility,  and  decide  clearly  and  fully  what  he 
wanted  before  he  gave  the  wish  definite  form  in  the 
conjuration,  remembering  that  the  decrees  of  fate 
cannot  be  altered,  and  that  the  happiness  of  both, 
through  life,  might  depend  on  the  correct  wording 
and  sincerity  of  his  wish. 

This  caution  was  given  in  execrable  English  ;  for 
the  Gipsy  manifests  the  utmost  contempt  for  the 
rules  of  syntax,  and  having  been  born  on  the  Black 
Jleath,  as  she  asserts,  abuses  the  letter  h  in  a  man- 
ner worthy  of  a  native  of  Lancashire  or  York- 
shire. 

"  If,"  said  she,  "  you  wish  to  'ave  it  done,  it  wilL 


SAMUEL  BUYS  A  CHARM.  139 

win  you  a  wife,  whose  love  will  not  die  hout  hin  a 
year  hor  twenty  years ;  but  will  throw  'er  in  your 
harms,  like,  hand  make  'er  follow  you  jist  as  a  child 
does  hits  mother,  until  she  dies." 

Mr.  Alley,  in  a  labyrinth  of  ecstatic  visions,  ex- 
pressed his  perfect  delight  at  the  generous  promises 
of  the  Gipsy,  and  demanded  the  price  of  the 
charm. 

"I  charge  haccording  to  circumstances,"  she 
replied.  "  If  a  man  his  rich,  I  think  'e  can  hafford 
more ;  but  you  say  you's  poor,  so  I  won't  be  hun- 
reasonable ;  give  me  two  dollars." 

The  money  having  been  paid,  the  Gipsy  took  a 
pulverized  substance,  and  doing  up  about  four 
ounces,  equally  divided  in  two  papers,  nicely,  like 
a  doctor's  powder,  directed  him  to  take  them  to  the 
fire  at  midnight,  and  throw  one  of  them  in,  and 
while  the  paper  burned,  repeat  aloud  the  name  of 
the  young  lady  and  the  wish  regarding  her,  and 
when  the  first  paper  was  consumed  to  throw  in  the 
second  one,  again  repeating  the  name  and  wish 
while  it  burned.  It  would  not  answer,  she  assured 
him,  to  perform  the  conjuration  a  minute  before 
midnight.  Precisely  twelve  o'clock  would  do  ;  but 
it  was  better  to  wait  a  few  minutes  longer ;  yet  he 
must,  above  all  things,  avoid  waiting  until  past  one 


140  MATRIMONIAL   BEOKEEAGE 

o'clock.     She  probably  believed  with  Bolingbroke, 
that, 

"  Wizards  know  their  times.       f 

Deep  night,  dark  night,  the  silent  of  the  night, 
The  time  of  night  when  Troy  was  set  on  fire  ; 
The  time  when  screech-owls  cry  and  ban-dogs  howl, 
And  spirits  walk,  and  ghosts  break  up  their  graves ; 
That  time  best  fits  the  work  we  have  in  hand." 

Mr.  Alley,  with  superstitions  awe,  took  the  mys- 
terious papers,  which,  he  verily  believed,  contained 
the  sovereign  balm  for  all  his  heart-burnings ; 
happy,  indeed,  that  he  possessed  the  awful  secret, 
yet  trembling  as  if  in  the  presence  of  those  ghosts 
who,  at  the  approach  of  "  Aurora's  harbinger," 

"  Wandering  here  and  there, 

Troop  home  to  churchyards ;  damned  spirits  all, 
That  in  cross-ways  and  floods  have  burial." 

He  ventured,  however,  to  ask  the  Gipsy  what 
the  compound  was  ;  but  she  evidently  regarded  the 
question  as  little  better  than  blasphemy.  She  con- 
descended, nevertheless,  to  tell  him  that  all  Gipsies 
were  sworn  to  preserve  their  secrets,  and  would  not 
reveal  them,  even  to  escape  imprisonment  or  death. 

Mr.  Alley  went  home,  and  anxiously  awaited  the 
midnight  hour.  He  had  provided  himself  with  a 
fire,  and  when  his  white-faced  watch  told  .him  the 


141 


time  had  arrived,  threw  one  of  his  papers  into  the 
flames,  and  solemnly  repeated  the  name  of  his 
charmer  and  the  sincerest  wish,  perhaps,  he  ever 
uttered.  The  second  paper  was  thrown  in,  accord- 
ing to  directions,  and  the  name  and  wish  repeated. 

This  incantation,  be  it  known,  was  performed  on  a 
warm  summer's  night ;  and  at  its  conclusion,  Mr. 
Alley,  covered  with  perspiration,  retired  from  the 
house  and  passed  two  hours  in  watching  the  door- 
knob, which  he  knew  was  often  turned  by  her  di- 
vine hand,  to  give  his  room  time  to  cool.  But 
when  he  returned,  he  found  the  whole  house 
aroused  by  the  unnatural  heat  which  he  had  found 
it  necessary  to  make,  and  was  assailed  on  all  sides 
as  a  lunatic  or  a  thief.  "  A  counterfeiter,  I  will 
wager  !"  suggested  one  ;  and  this  seemed  the  most 
reasonable  supposition.  "  You  had  better  wait  till 
cold  weather  before  you  make  bogus  coin !"  cried 
another.  And,  worst  of  all,  the  landlady,  convinced 
that  Alley  was  casting  base  coin,  told  him  to  leave 
the  house  instantly,  and  that  if  he  ever  set  foot  in 
it  again,  she  would  expose  his  crimes,  and  have  him 
arrested  by  the  police. 

But  Mr.  Alley  bore  all  patiently,  convinced,  as 
he  was,  that  his  afflictions  were  only  for  a  season, 
and  that  the  transcendent  bliss  which  was  in  store 


14:2  MATRIMONIAL  BKOKERAGE. 

for  him  would  more  than  compensate  his  many  and 
grievous  sacrifices. 

Mr.  Alley  awaited  with  profound  anxiety  the  ex- 
piration of  fifteen  days,  at  which  time  he  contrived 
to  encounter  the  young  lady  in  the  streets,  fully  ex- 
pecting she  would  rush  to  his  arms,  overwhelmed 
with  the  same  emotions  she  had  awakened  in  him. 
Planting  himself  at  a  corner,  he  watched  her  ap- 
proach, and,  as  she  came  up,  stood  directly  in  her 
path.  The  light-footed  damsel,  seeing  the  passage 
obstructed,  carelessly  turned  aside,  and  scarcely 
noticing  him,  went  on.  He  would  have  spoken, 
but  found  himself  dumb.  "  It  is  too  soon.  Fifteen 
or  twenty  days,  she  said.  I  will  wait  five  days 
longer,  and  it  must  work  by  that  time  ;"  and  with 
this  consoling  reflection  Samuel  went  about  his 
business. 

Mr.  Alley  passed  five  wretched  days,  at  the  expi- 
ration of  which,  the  weather  being  pleasant,  he  was 
convinced  that  the  lady  would  walk  out,  and  be- 
lieved his  troubles  were  at  an  end.  He  was  not 
mistaken  in  his  first  calculation,  for  he  had  not 
stood  upon  the  corner  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  when 
the  smiling  charmer  sallied  forth  for  a  Broadway 
shopping  excursion.  How  beautiful  she  appeared 
in  the  ravished  eyes  of  Samuel !  "  Now  or  never," 


The  Experiment  of  Mr.  Samuel  Alley  on  the  Corner.-PAOE  113. 


SAMUEL   DECLARES   HIMSELF. 


lie  said  to  himself,  as  she  approached,  and  again 
planting  himself  in  her  path,  made  out  to  speak  : 
"  I  have  waited  for  you,  Miss  -  !  Do  you  know 
how  I  love  you  ?" 

The  young  lady  thus  saluted  gave  a  scream,  as 
was  natural,  and  ran  home  at  full  speed.  Samuel, 
with  all  his  credulity,  was  not  so  great  a  fool  as  to 
mistake  the  case  ;  the  hopes  he  had  built  upon  the 
conjuration  were  prostrated  at  a  blow,  and  he  went 
off  in  despair. 

The  same  evening,  however,  unwilling  to  abandon 
all  faith  in  the  Gipsy,  he  called  to  see  what  she 
would  say  for  herself,  or  if  she  could  not  do  some- 
thing for  him  in  the  desperate  straits  to  which  he 
was  reduced.  "We  will  endeavor  to  translate  into 
English  the  dialogue  which  followed,  as  our  readers 
might  not  understand  it  in  the  original  tongue. 

"  Twenty-one  days  ago,"  said  Mr.  Alley,  "  I 
bought  your  secret  for  gaining  the  affections  of  the 
opposite  sex  ;  but  it  didn't  have  any  effect." 

"  I  do  not  remember  you,  sir,"  replied  the  Gipsy. 
"What  do  you  want?" 

"I  want  to  see  if  you  can  do  any  more  for 
me." 

The  Gipsy's  eye  lighted  up.  The  credulity  of 
her  customer  was  evidently  not  exhausted,  and  she 


144:  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

might,  perhaps  sell  him  another  charm.  "  Did  you 
follow  the  directions  ?"  she  inquired. 

"Yes." 

"And  the  lady  still  refuses  you?" 

"Yes." 

"That  is  strange — very  strange.  It  seems  im- 
possible. I  sell  hundreds  every  month,  and  every 
one  is  astonished  at  their  power.  Are  you  sure 
there  is  no  change  in  the  lady's  conduct  towards 
you?" 

"  None,  except  for  the  worse." 

"But  I  am  sure  there  is  a  change.  She  feels 
more  kind  towards  you,  but  does  not  wish  to  show 
it." 

"You  are  mistaken;  she  fears  and  shuns  me." 

"  Then  there  is  a  mistake.  One  of  two  things 
is  true.  Either  she  has  changed  slowly  and  imper- 
ceptibly, or  you  have  not  followed  directions.  The 
great  beauty  of  the  charm  is  that  it  works  slowly, 
and  the  person  does  not  know  that  anything  has 
happened.  Suppose,  for  instance,  that  I  should 
burn  the  powders  and  wish  to  win  you ;  you  would 
pretty  soon  begin  to  like  me,  and  think  more  and 
more  of  me,  until  you  would  finally  get  so  you 
couldn't  bear  to  be  out  of  my  sight  a  minute.  It 
lasts,  too ;  that  is  better  yet.  But  it  is  necessary, 


A  BRILLIANT  IDEA.  14:5 

when  tlie  wish  is  made,  to  have  your  mind  and 
thoughts  fixed  upon  the  person  you  want  to  gain.  I 
think  you  did  not  know  this." 

"Yes,  I  did.  My  whole  mind  was  on  her.  I 
thought  of  nothing  else." 

"  That  is  very  strange,  then." 

"  Well,  what  can  you  do  for  me  ?" 

"  I  don't  know  what  to  think.  It  is  the  first  time 
a  man  ever  complained  that  it  did  not  work,  and  I 
don't  know  what  to  say." 

The  Gipsy  was  not  a  little  annoyed;  but  sud- 
denly a  new  idea  struck  her. 

"  Have  you  a  rival  ?"  she  asked. 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  You  have.    I  am  sure  you  have." 

"  Well,  what  of  that  ?  Is  not  the  secret  sufficient 
to  overpower  him.  This  is  the  promise  you  made 
me." 

"  Certainly ;  but  you  see  there  are  hundreds  of 
persons  corning  here ;  and  I  of  course  do  not  know 
who  they  are.  It  is  probable  that  your  rival  has 
been  here  before  you." 

"What  would  be  the  effect,  if  my  rival  and  I 
should  each  use  your  charm,  and  make  the  same 
wish?" 

"  The  one  who  made  it  first  would  win  her." 


14:6  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  If  then  my  rival  used  it  first " 

"  You  might  as  well  have  flung  your  powders 
out  of  the  window ;  they  would  be  no  good  to  you. 
]f  he  got  the  start  of  you  half  an  hour,  or  half  a 
minute,  you  might  just  as  well  have  flung  it  to 
the  dogs." 

"  But  suppose  we  both  made  the  wish  at  the  same 
time  ?" . 

"  Then  they  would  do  away  with  each  other ;  or, 
the  one  who  thought  most  of  her,  his  would  have 
effect.  But  this  could  not  happen,  and  your  rival 
has  done  it  before  you." 

"  What  shall  I  do  ?    Must  I  give  her  up  ?" 

"  Get  another  powder  and  burn  it,  being  careful 
to  follow  the  directions,  and  you  will  find  it  will 
beat  him  unless  he  burns  more." 

"  And  if  he  does  ?" 

"  The  one  who  uses  most  will  succeed." 

"  And  must  I  pay  you  two  dollars  for  every  one 
I  get?" 

"  Well,  that  would  be  rather  hard.  I  like  to  give 
satisfaction  to  my  customers,  and  always  have 
before;  and  under  the  circumstances  I  will  let 
you  have  another  for  a  dollar." 

"  I  don't  know  as  I  have  a  rival." 

"  Oh,  you  have ;  that's  it,  I  am  sure.     Let  me 


PROFOUND    QUESTIONS    ANSWERED.  147 

tell  you  what  happened.  A  lady  came  to  me  and 
said  she  wanted  to  marry  a  man  who  is  rich  and 
holds  high  office  in  the  city  government.  She  told 
me  his  name,  and  I  sold  her  the  powder.  This  was 
early  in  the  afternoon.  A  little  while  afterwards 
another  lady  came,  and  told  me  she  was  in  love, 
but  didn't  give  me  the  man's  name.  I  sold  her  a 
powder,  and  she  came  back  after  the  time  was  up, 
and  said  it  had  no  effect.  I  then  asked  her  the 
name  of  the  man,  and  found  he  was  the  same  one 
the  other  was  in  love  with,  and  I  understood  all 
about  it.  The  last  lady  was  a  friend  I  think  a  good 
deal  of,  and  so  I  gave  her  another  powder.  She 
has  burned  that,  and  now  she  begins  to  see  a 
change  in  the  man.  He  begins  to  like  her  a  good 
deal,  and  to  neglect  the  other;  and  if  the  other 
does  not  burn  another  one,  she  will  lose  him 
sure." 

"  And  suppose  the  other  does  burn  another  ?" 

"Then  she  will  get  him  back,  unless  the  last 
woman  burns  another  still." 

"  And  the  one  that  burns  most  will  get  him  ?" 

"  That's  it  precisely." 

"  You  say  the  last  woman  came  back  and  said 
she  had  not  succeeded." 

"  Yes,  because  it's  as  I  tell  you." 


14:8  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  But  you  said,  a  little  while  ago,  that  I  was  the 
first  person  who  ever  came  back  dissatisfied,"  said 
Mr.  Alley,  who  began  to  see  through  the  Gipsy, 
and  whose  wits  were  stimulated  by  the  discovery. 

"  I  said  you  were  the  first  man." 

"Does  this  secret  apply  to  married  women? 
Suppose,  for  instance,  any  acquaintance  of  mine 
has  a  wife  whom  I  fancy.  If  I  burn  the  powder 
and  wish  to  win  her,  will  it  have  the  same  effect  as 
it  will  upon  an  unmarried  woman  ?" 

"Yes,  just  the  same."V 

"  Well,  then,  if  I  succeed  in  getting  this  lady  I 
am  after,  and  my  rival  should  keep  on  burning 
powder  after  we  were  married  ?" 

"  Oh,  in  that  case,  you  would  have  to  keep  some 
on  hand,  and  burn  more  than  he  did." 

Mr.  Alley  wisely  concluded  that  he  had  been 
humbugged,  and  further  made  up  his  mind  that 
wredded  bliss,  if  as  liable  to  be  upset  as  the  Gipsy 
represented,  was  not  worth  all  the  expense  and 
trouble  it  would  cost.  He  therefore  departed, 
without  investing  further,  to  forget  his  hopeless 
love  and  disappointment  in  the  best  manner  he 
could. 

The  "  secret "  which  the  Gipsy  sells  to  weak 
servant  girls,  and  all  other  people  silly  enough  to 


THE    "  SECRET  "    EXPOSED.  149 

buy  it,  she  says  is  of  very  ancient  origin.  Yet, 
notwithstanding  the  sacred  character  which  she 
attaches  to  it,  having  the  undoubted  authority  of  a 
man  whose  opinion  in  such  matters  is  law,  we  are 
prepared  to  tell 

"  what  drugs,  what  charms, 


What  conjuration  and  what  nightly  magic  " 

the  Gipsy  uses.  This  sacred  charm,  which  she 
would  not  reveal  to  save  her  limbs  from  irons  or 
her  neck  from  the  gallows,  is  nothing  more  or  less 
than  pulverized  carbonate  of  iron,  which  can  be 
obtained  of  any  druggist;  and  if  it  possess  the 
power  which  the  Gipsy  claims  for  it,  a  dollar  will 
buy  enough  to  win  half  the  women  in  New  York 
and  Brooklyn. 

Meantime  we  advise  husbands  and  lovers  not  to 
give  themselves  needless  uneasiness  on  account  of 
the  publicity  of  this  charm. 


CHAPTER    XY. 

A  Lame  Widow  on  the  look-out  for  a  Husband — She  applies^to  a 
Bleecker  street  Broker — The  versatile  Joseph — How  one  Ar- 
ticle may  serve  many  Uses— A  Wedding-day  is  appointed,  but  the 
Bridegroom  gets  into  the  Tombs. 

MRS.  G ,  a  widow,  lives  in  a  village  near  New 

York,  owns  a  house  and  lot,  and  lias  money  enough 
at  interest  to  support  her  comfortably.  "Not  hav- 
ing received  any  satisfactory  proposal,  however, 
she  took  a  fancy  last  year  to  try  the  chances  of 
matrimonial  brokerage ;  to  which  conclusion  she 
was  led  through  the  ordinary  channel  of  newspaper 
advertisements. 

The  office  at  which  she  applied  was  one  of  the 
several  short-lived  ones,  which  the  proprietors  have 
found  it  necessary  to  shut  up  suddenly,  to  escape 
the  unpleasant  notoriety  of  a  judicial  investigation. 
It  was  situated  in  Bleecker  street,  and  kept  by  a 
sprightly  woman,  who  disappeared  from  the  scene 
in  about  three  months  after  her  office  was  opened. 

To  this  woman  the  confiding  Mrs.  G made 

known  her  thoughts,  which  were  highly  approved 

150 


PARIS   MATRIMONIAL   OFFICES.  151 

and  duly  encouraged  by  the  usual  number  of  fic- 
titious histories,-  in  which  persons  in  similar  circum- 
stances, it  was  represented,  had  patronized  the 
office,  and  been  speedily  and  happily  married. 

"  This  system  of  making  acquaintances,"  she 
said,  "  is  very  common  in  Paris.  Matrimonial 
offices  are  a  regular  institution  there.  In  fact,  1 
made  the  acquaintance  of  my  husband  at  an  office 
in  Paris,  and  I  know  that  there  never  was  a  happier 
union." 

The  managing  broker,  having  questioned  the 
widow  in  relation  to  her  views  of  a  husband,  and 
found  that  she  had  a  partiality  for  gentlemen  of  the 
legal  profession,  humored  the  prejudice  as  follows: 

"  I  have  a  young  man  on  my  list  who  is  in  search 
of  a  wife,  and  I  am  sure  he  would  agree  with  .me 
that  you  are  quite  young  and  handsome  enough. 
And  as  I  do  everything  openly  and  fairly,  I  will 
tell  you  that  your  means  would  be  a  consideration. 
Not  that  he  would  marry  a  woman  he  did  not  love 
to  get  her  money — he  is  too  noble  for  that ;  but  he 
is  a  young  man  just  starting  in  business,  and  al- 
though his  prospects  are  the  very  best,  he  cannot 
marry  at  present  unless  the  lady  is  capable  of  sup- 
porting herself."  v 

Now  Mrs.  G ,  although  really  a  good-hearted 


152  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

and  lioncst  woman,  was  by  no  means  handsome, 
and  was  so  unfortunate,  withal,  as  to  have  one  limb 
a  little  shorter  than  its  companion.  But  if  she  had 
one  weakness  more  prominent  than  another,  it  was 
an  inordinate  love  of  praise,  which  blinded  her  to 
all  her  faults  of  person.  Only  tell  her  she  was 
beautiful,  and  she  would  believe  you  much  quicker 
than  she  would  believe  her  mirror;  tell  her  the 
short  limb  made  her  motions  graceful,  and  she 
would  thank  her  stars  that  it  was  not  as  long  as  its 
mate.  She  was,  in  short,  admirably  calculated  to 
be  imposed  upon  by  anybody  who  could  discover 
her  vulnerable  point ;  and  the  Bleecker  street  bro- 
ker had  practised  upon  poor  human  nature  too  long 
to  require  much  time  in  the  discovery.  She  de- 
scribed to  Mrs.  G ,  in  glowing  terms,  the  manly 

form,  noble  disposition,  and  generous  qualities  of 

the  young  man  in  question  ;  and  when  Mrs.  G 

suggested  that  he  might  not  be  pleased  with  her, 
went  into  such  extravagant  praise  of  her  appear- 
ance, that  she  was  delighted  beyond  measure,  and 
thought  the  broker  the  most  interesting  person  she 
had  ever  seen.  It  was  arranged  that  she  should 
be  introduced  the  next  afternoon,  and  she  departed 
in  a  fever  of  hope  and  satisfaction. 

Now  it  is  evident  to  all  discerning  minds,  that  a 


HOW  JOSEPH  WAS   USEFUL.  153 

matrimonial  broker,  to  be  successful,  must  keep  on 
hand,  at  all  times,  the  article  demanded;  just  as  a 
shoemaker  or  a  dry-goods  merchant  must  stand 
ready  to  supply  his  customers.  Mrs.  B.,  the  broker 
we  are  now  considering,  was  one  of  the  kind  who 
was  never  at  fault  in  this  particular;  but  as  the 
number  of  candidates  on  her  list  was  very  limited 
she  made  up  in  quality  what  she  lacked  in  quantity. 
Her  plan  was  this  : 

She  formed  a  kind  of  partnership  with  a  young 
man,  a  vagabond  of  considerable  smartness  in  his 
way ;  and  this  young  man  held  himself  in  readi- 
ness to  be  introduced  at  any  time  and  in  any  char- 
acter, as  a  candidate  for  matrimony.  E"ow  he  was 
a  rich  southerner,  with  a  large  plantation  well 
stocked  with  negroes;  now  a  lawyer;  now  a  me- 
chanic, and  now  again  a  doctor  or  a  minister.  In 
fact,  during  the  three  months  which  this  office  was 
in  operation,  the  versatile  Joseph  (for  that  was  his 
name),  was  daily  introduced  to  two  or  three 
deluded  females,  in  as  many  different  charac- 
ters. 

It  happened  that  while  the  conversation  between 
the  broker  and  the  widow  was  in  progress,  Joseph 
was  in  an  adjoining  apartment;  and  as  soon  as 
the  widow  withdrew,  the  broker  called  him  to  the 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

parlor,  and  pointing  through  the  window  to  the 
limping  victim,  the  two  indulged  in  boisterous 
derision  of  that  unfortunate  individual,  until  she 
was  out  of  sight. 

"  The  lame  old  fool,"  (such  was  the  refined  lan- 
guage of  the  broker,)  "  what  does  she  want  of  a 
husband  ?" 

"  If  I  marry  her,"  said  Joseph,  "  I  will  shave 
off  the  right  foot  until  it  is  as  short  as  the  left 
oneX 

"You  will  marry  her,"  replied  the  broker.  "  She's 
got  a  handsome  property,  and  it  will  pay.  Do 
your  best  with  the  old  woman,  Josey,  my  dear,  and 
swear  she  is  the  handsomest  woman  you  ever  saw. 
She  is  fool  enough  to  swallow  all  the  flattery  your 
lying  tongue  can  roll  off,  my  dear,  and  you  are  not 
bad  at  that." 

"  You  really  don't  mean  to  have  me  marry  that 
old  thing?"  said  Joseph,  somewhat  alarmed,  and  a 
good  deal  surprised. 

"  Certainly ;  marry  her  if  you  can't  get  her 
money  without  it.  It  is  the  easiest  thing  in  the 
world  to  run  away,  my  dear.  How  long  would  it 
take  us,  do  you  think,  to  change  names,  and  turn 
up  in  St.  Louis  or  New  Orleans  ?" 

"  I  see,"  said  Joseph  ;  and  in  anticipation  of  the 


THE    WIDOW    IS   INTRODUCED.  155 

widow's  fortune,  a  hot  punch  was  speedily  served 
up  and  consumed. 

The  next  afternoon  the  lame  widow  appeared  at 
the  appointed  hour;  and  the  agent,  with  the 
most  winning  smile  she  could  command,  welcomed 
her. 

"  I  am  happy  to  see  you,"  said  she,  "  I  have 
shown  the  gentleman  your  likeness,  and  he  is 
much  pleased.  He  has  been  here  half  an  hour." 

After  allowing  the  agitated  Mrs.  G a  little 

time  to  collect  her  senses,  and  recover  from  the 
fatiguing  walk,  the  wicked  Joseph,  neatly  attired, 
and  well  posted  in  his  part,  was  led  in  and  intro- 
duced as  Mr.  Brown  of  Boston.  He  told  the 
widow  he  was  spending  a  few  weeks  in  the  city  on 
business,  and  assured  her  that  nothing  had  so 
much  pleased  him  as  the  opportunity  to  make  her 
acquaintance.  "  I  was  here  last  evening,"  said  he, 
"and  saw  your  likeness.  I  was  greatly  pleased, 
but  I  must  say  it  by  no  means  does  you  justice.  1 
will  frankly  state  my  circumstances  and  prospects  ; 
for  I  profess  to  be  a  judge  of  human  nature,  and 
know  whom  I  can  trust,  the  first  time  I  see  such  a 
person. 

"  I  have  recently  been  admitted  to  practice,  and 
have  opened  an  office  in  Boston,  in  company  with 


156  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

a  friend.  But  it  requires  considerable  time  to  get 
started,  and  although  I  have  already  a  very  good 
business,  I  have  felt  I  could  not  yet  afford  to 
marry.  But  as  we  understand  each  other,  I  shall 
take  the  liberty  of  speaking  directly  to  the  point. 
I  have  been  informed  you  have  some  property ; 
and  while  I  would  not  for  a  moment  regard  this  of 
itself,  I  will  say  I  have  been  anxious  so  find  a  lady 
in  whom  were  combined  the  qualities  of  intel- 
ligence, virtue,  and  beauty,  who  also  had  a  partial 
competency.  I  have  not  before  found  such  a  one  ; 
but  in  you  I  see  all  I  have  desired." 

It  is  unnecessary  to  go  into  the  details  of  this 
courtship  of  hypocrisy  on  the  one  hand,  and  stu- 
pidity on  the  other.  Suffice  it  that  when  the  silly 

Mrs.  G went  home  that  afternoon,  it  is  difficult 

to  say  whether  she  was  more  pleased  or  amazed  at 
the  sudden  success  of  her  matrimonial  scheme. 
That  she  was  engaged  to  a  man  combining  every 
desirable  quality,  she  never  doubted. 

Joseph  visited  the  widow  at  her  house  three  or 
four  times,  and  the  wedding-day  was  fixed. 

But  although  Joseph  was  frequently  introduced 
to  honest  women  in  the  character  of  a  minister,  his 
religion,  we  are  sorry  to  record,  bore  a  striking 
resemblance  to  that  of  Friar  Tuck ;  and  while  he 


FOUL   AND   IIOERID   CONSPIRACY.  157 

lacked  that  famous  divine's  knowledge  of  Latin,  he 
was  an  undoubted  thief.  He  was  a  thief  in  a  small 
way,  and  his  robberies  seldom  rose  above  the  dig- 
nity of  petit  larceny.  A  few  days  before  his 
appointed  wedding,  he  was  in  a  grocery,  purchas- 
ing some  creature  comforts  for  the  broker,  and 
while  the  clerk  was  absent  for  a  moment,  rifled  the 
money-drawer  of  its  contents,  was  detected  in  the 
fact,  and  locked  up  in  the  Tombs. 

No  sooner  was  the  unlucky  Joseph  in  this  dis- 
graceful plight,  than  the  broker  went  to  work  in 
his  behalf.  She  learned  that  the  clerk  was  to  be 
the  only  witness  against  him,  and^  hastening  to 

the  widow  G ,  informed  that  afflicted  lady  that 

a  foul  and  horrible  conspiracy  had  been  entered 
into,  to  disgrace  her  affianced,  if  not  to  get  rid  of 

him ;  "  and  you,  Mrs.  G ,"  said  the  broker, 

"  though  not  in  the  least  to  blame,  are  the  cause  of 
all  his  trouble." 

The  widow  was  terrified  by  this  announcement, 
and  could  not  see  what  she  had  ever  done  to  bring 
him  into  such  straits. 

"  There  is  a  grocer's  clerk,"  replied  the  broker, 
"  who  has  for  some  time  been  a  visitor  at  my 
office.  He  saw  you  go  out  of  the  house  the  first 
time  you  were  there,  and  fell  in  love  with  you. 


158  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

Kot  believing  him  worthy,  I  gave  him  no  encou- 
ragement; but  lie  went  to  work  and  found  out 
that  Mr.  Brown  was  engaged  to  you  ;  and  in  order 
to  get  him  out  of  the  way,  has  started  a  story  that 
he -attempted  to  rob  the  money-drawer;  and  it  is 
feared  that  he  will  swear  to  it  on  trial.  But  he 
stole  the  money  himself,  and  I  can  prove  it ;  and 
when  the  proper  time  comes,  Mr.  Brown  will  pro- 
secute him  for  perjury,  and  send  him  to  State 
prison.  But  as  good  luck  would  have  it,  the  clerk 
did  not  know  Mr.  Brown's  name,  and  he  has  given 
another  to  the  officers,  so  he  will  not  be  disgraced 
by  this  business  after  all." 

Mrs.  G expressed  the  wish  that  Heaven 

would  confound  the  wicked  schemes  of  the  ungodly 
clerk,  and  that  the  broker  would  have  him  arrested 
for  perjury  at  once  ;  but  being  solemnly  assured 
that  she  had  powerful  reasons  for  delay,  was  pacified. 

On  the  very  day  which  was  to  have  seen  Joseph 
united  to  the  widow,  the  wretch  was  brought  up  in 
the  court  of  Special  Sessions — that  deliberative  and 
dignified  tribunal  in  which  about  two  hours  are 

O 

required  to  clean   a  calendar  of  fifty  cases,  in  a 
manner  that  reflects  illustrious  honor  upon  our  elec- 
tive judiciary — and  was  there  tried  for  petit  larceny. 
Joseph,  as  has  already  been  intimated,  was  not 


159 


arraigned  under  any  one  of  his  previous  names, 
but  took  a  new  one  for  the  occasion.  The  court- 
room was  filled  to  suffocation  with  a  red-faced, 

blear-eyed,  and  hard-tip  crowd,  which  Mrs.  G 

supposed  had  come  for  the  sole  purpose  of  seeing 
her  lover's  case  disposed  of.  The  grocer's  clerk 
was  sworn,  and  testified  positively  to  the  facts. 
An  Irish  lawyer  (commonly  called  a  "  shyster  "), 
attempted  a  cross-examination,  but  was  soon 
"  swamped ;"  it  was  like  working  a  dry  pump. 

"Have  you  any  witnesses?"  demanded  the  court. 

The  "  shyster  "  replied  that  the  defence  had  been 
taken  by  surprise  by  the  evidence  of  the  grocer's 
clerk  ;  that  being  conscious  of  innocence,  and  well 
aware  that  the  charge  proceeded  from  feelings  of 
personal  hostility  to  the  prisoner,  and  was  in  fact 
only  a  conspiracy  to  rob  him  of  his  good  name 
among  men,  they  had  not  supposed  the  charge 
would  be  sustained ;  they  had  no  idea  Mr.  Sand- 
ford  (the  clerk)  would  carry  the  passion  of  revenge 
so  far  as  to  perjure  himself  to  gain  an  unjust 
advantage  over  a  fellow-being.  Therefore,  they 
had  taken  no  measures  to  prove  an  alibi,  which 
might  easily  have  been  done.  But  since  Mr.  Sand- 
ford's  presumption  had  soared  so  high;  since  he 
had  sworn  to  what  he  knew  to  be  false,  from 


160  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

motives  of  revenge,  the  defence  must  abide  the 
decision  of  the  court,  and  they  should  content 
themselves  by  proving  the  previous  good  character 
of  the  prisoner.  They  were  prepared  to  show  by 
witnesses  of  the  highest  respectability,  that  his 
standing  in  the  community  was  second  to  none; 
and  he  hoped  the  court,  if  it  must  find  him  guilty, 
would  not  inflict  upon  the  defendant  the  disgrace 
of  imprisonment,  but  content  itself  with  a  light 
fine,  which  he  understood  a  lady  in  court  was 
ready  to  pay. 

To  this  proposition  Mrs.  G nodded  assent, 

and  the  court  expressed  a  readiness  to  hear  what- 
ever might  be  offered  to  establish  good  character. 

The  shyster  then  called  Mrs.  B ,  the  broker, 

who  testified  that  she  had  known  the  prisoner  for  a 
great  many  years,  and  that  he  was  a  gentleman  of 
unquestioned  integrity.  A  man  whom  nobody 
knew  also  swore  to  his  good  character,  and  the  evi- 
dence for  the  defence  closed. 

Unfortunately  for  the  broker  and  her  favorite, 
however,  the  usage  of  courts  allows  rebutting  testi- 
mony, and  the  plaintiff's  lawyer  availed  himself  of 
this  advantage.  The  police  officer  who  made  the 
arrest  was  called,  and  swore  that  the  prisoner  was 
an  old  thief,  well  known  to  the  police — that  lie  had 


MR.    BROWN   AN   OLD   THIEF.  161 

served  two  terms  at  least,  upon  Blackwell's  Island, 
and  lie  believed  three ;  that  his  portrait  adorned 
the  collection  of  pictures  at  police  headquarters, 
known  as  "The  Thieves'  Gallery,"  that  the  sen- 
tences which  consigned  him  to  the  Island  were  on 
the  records  of  the  very  court  before  which  he  was 
then  tried ;  and  finally,  that  the  only  reason  the 
rascal  was  not  recognized  by  the  court  was,  pro- 
bably, owing  to  the  fact  that  he  had  shaven  his 
whiskers  and  moustaches.  This  evidence  was  coro- 
borated  by  the  statement  of  another  officer  :  and 
finally,  the  judge  himself  recollected  having  sen- 
tenced the  prisoner  on  a  former  occasion. 

The  court  said  he  could  not  consent  to  let  the 
prisoner  off  with  a  fine.  He  was  a  dangerous  char- 
acter, and  must  be  dealt  with  accordingly.  He 
therefore  sentenced  him  to  the  Penitentiary  for 
four  months. 

The  widow  was  convinced  that  Mr.  Brown  of 

Boston  was  a  humbug,  and  that  Mrs.  B ,  the 

broker,  was  a  humbug  also,  which  opinion  she 
expressed  very  freely,  and  threatened  to  prosecute 

them  as  swindlers ;  but  Mrs.  B did  not  give 

her  an  opportunity.  She  moved  suddenly,  changed 
her  name,  and  adopted  a  new  business,  as  honor- 
able and  lucrative  as  the  old  trade. 


CHAPTER    XY1. 

Betty  Ballou,  and  her  "Menagerie"  at  Taylor's  Saloon — Seven 
Hopeful  Individuals  in  a  Row — Why  they  were  there  and  what 
came  of  It. 

THOSE  who  have  taken  tlie  trouble  to  look  over  the 
advertising  columns  of  the  New  York  Herald  have 
observed  advertisements  under  the  head  of  "  Matri- 
monial," in  which  persons  of  both  sexes  announce 
themselves  as  candidates,  -and  invite  correspond- 
ence with  this  view.  If  we  believe  these  announce- 
ments, the  advertisers,  almost  without  exception, 
are  patterns  of  modesty,  virtue,  honor  and  intelli- 
gence ;  generally,  too,  of  refinement,  wealth  and 
high  social  position. 

It  is  not  very  long  since  an  advertisement  in- 
formed the  public  that  a  young  lady  of  good 
education  and  accomplished  manners,  being  con- 
vinced that  the  formalities  of  society  are  mostly 
absurd  and  restrictive  of  free  individual  develop- 
ment, would  like  to  correspond  with  a  man  of 
independence  and  sense,  with  a  view  to  matrimony. 
She  was  twenty  years  of  age,  moved  in  respectable 
society,  and  believed  she  could  make  a  good  man 

162 


DEFOE  TO  MISS  BALLOU.  1G3 

happy.  Any  sucli  person  was  invited  to  address 
Betty  Ballon,  at  the  Union  Square  post-office. 

A    young'  man    answered    this   advertisement, 
under  the  signature  of  Julius  B.  Defoe,  as  follows : 

"  Miss  BETTY  BALLOU  :  I  have  read  your  advertisement  in  this 
morning's  Herald,  and  have  not  the  slightest  hesitation  in  saying 

that  I  am  a  man  of  sense.     That  I  am  a  man  of  independence 

f 

would  clearly  appear  to  you  if  we  should  ever  be  married,  for  I 
would  not  promise  to  pay  any  more  attention  to  a  wife  than  I 
chose ;  and  if  I  wanted  to  go  to  the  theatre  or  opera  with  some- 
body else,  as  I  probably  should,  I  should  do  it  in  spite  of  her.  In 
short,  she  could  do  as  she  pleased,  if  she  chose  to,  and  if  she  didn't, 
I'd  make  her,  and  I  should  do  as  I  pleased,  whether  she  was  willing 
or  not.  If  that  is  not  independent  enough  for  you,  I  beg  you  not 
to  answer  this  letter. 

"  That  I  am  sensible  clearly  appears  from  my  mode  of  life.  In 
the  first  place,  I  have  spacious  apartments  with  a  private  family  in 
Fifth  Avenue,  and  manage  my  affairs  in  Wall  street — with  about 
four  hours'  labor  per  diem — in  such  a  manner  that  I  have  as  much 
money  as  I  want  to  spend  or  give  away,  go  where  I  have  a  mind 
to,  smoke  in  the  parlor  when  at  home,  and  get  drunk  as  often  as  I 
am  disposed. 

"  If  this  suits  you,  write  and  address  me  at  the  Broadway  post- 
office.  If  it  don't,  do  what  you  like. 

"  I  will  say,  however,  that  I  should  be  happy  to  see  you,  and 
think  you  will  not  find  me  a  savage.  If  you  are  disposed  to  gratify 
me,  state  when  and  where  we  can  have  an  interview. 

"  Yours  respectfully,  "  JULIUS  B.  DEFOE.'' 

Three  days  after  depositing  the  above  letter  in 


164:  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

the  Union  Square  post-office,  Mr.  Defoe  called  at 
the  Broadway  office  and  found  a  reply  awaiting 
him.  It  was  written  in  a  neat,  plain  hand,  and  the 
purport  of  it  was,  that  Miss  Betty  was  curious  to 
see  him,  but  was  conscious  of  the  impropriety  of 
inviting  a  stranger  to  call  upon  her.  If,  however, 
he  would  be  at  Taylor's  Saloon  at  two  o'clock  on  a 
certain  day,  he  would  meet  her  there.  "  Go  as  far 
back  as  you  can,"  said  the  letter,  "  on  the  left  hand 
side,  take  a  newspaper  in  your  hand  and  read,  so  I 
may  know  you.  When  I  enter,  I  will  recognize 
you  with  a  nod ;  then,  please,  come  and  sit  by  me." 

A  few  minutes  before  the  appointed  time,  Mr. 
Defoe,  having  provided  himself  with  a  newspaper, 
went  to  the  place  designated,  took  a  seat  as 
requested,  and  commenced  reading.  He  soon 
observed  a  young  man  enter,  walk  near  him,  and 
look  annoyed  at  his  presence.  Finally,  however, 
the  stranger  sat  down  immediately  in  front  of  him, 
and  with  many  looks  expressive  of  "  what  business 
have  you  here  ?"  also  took  out  a  paper  and  com- 
menced reading. 

"Unfortunate,"  thought  Mr.  Defoe.  "If  this 
fellow  keeps  on  reading,  she  may  mistake  him  for 
myself.  However,  when  she  sees  he  does  not 
recognize  her,  she  will  try  me." 


SEVEN  MEN   IN   A  ROW.  165 

While  these  thoughts  were  passing  through  his 
mind,  an  elderly  gentleman,  with  a  very  red  nose, 
also  came  up,  and  politely  requested  Mr.  Defoe  to 
go  forward  and  give  him  the  seat  he  occupied.  "  I 
would  not  ask  it  sir,"  he  added,  "  had  I  not  particu- 
lar reasons,  which  I  need  not  explain,  for  doing 
so." 

"And  I,"  rejoined  Defoe,  "would  not  deny  so 
reasonable  a  request  had  I  not  particular  reasons, 
which  I  need  not  explain,  for  doing  so." 

The  elderly  genleman  seemed  a  good  deal  dis- 
appointed, but  taking  the  last  unoccupied  seat  back, 
also  took  out  a  paper  and  commenced  reading. 

"  Nothing  remarkable,"  soliloquized  Mr.  Defoe, 
"in  three  men  reading  papers  at  the  same  time, 
in  a  row;  yet,  under  the  circumstances,  it  is  a 
singular  coincidence."  And  this  suggestion  de- 
rived additional  weight  from  the  fact  that  few  other 
persons  in  the  saloon  were  at  that  time  reading. 

But  Mr.  Defoe's  astonishment  was  considerably 
increased  when  a  third,  a  fourth,  a  fifth,  a  sixth, 
and  finally,  a  seventh,  entered,  and  each  in  his  turn 
seemed  anxious  to  get  a  rear  seat,  but  failing  in 
this,  took  the  last  one  unoccupied,  each  at  the  same 
time  commencing  immediately  to  read. 

Mr.  Defoe  thought  there  was  something  strange 


166  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

in  this,  and  as  mystery  always  pleased  him,  could 
not  suppress  a  smile  at  the  anxiety  and  distress  of 
the  literary  strangers,  who  while  they  held  papers 
in  their  hands,  looked  around  the  saloon. 

"  I  think  the  girl  has  sold  me,"  he  said  to  him- 
self, and  good-naturedly  dropping  the  paper  from 
his  hand,  was  about  to  order  a  beef-steak  when  he 
saw  a  young  lady  enter  the  right  door.  She  was 
tall,  graceful  in  her  movements,  had  keen  black 
eyes,  and  was  richly  though  not  gaudily  dressed. 
She  passed  down  the  opposite  aisle  with  a  manner 
somewhat  haughty,  cast  a  furtive  glance  along  the 
line  of  gentlemen  who  held  papers  in  their  hands, 
and  finally  gave  Mr.  Defoe  an  unmistakable  nod  of 
recognition. 

He  returned  the  salutation  as  if  he  had  met  an 
old  friend,  and  immediately  joined  her. 

"  Mr.  Defoe,  I  presume,"  said  the  pretty  lady. 

"  The  same,  and  happy  to  meet  you,  Miss  Bal- 
lou,"  he  replied. 

"  Tell  me,  Mr.  Defoe,  what  you  thought  of  my 
advertisement." 

"  I  thought  it  very  singular  that  a  female  should 
want  a  man  of  sense  and  independence  for  a  hus- 
band— so  I  answered  it.  "What  did  you  think  of 
my  reply  ?" 


TIIE   MYSTERY   EXPLAINED.  167 

"  I  thought  much.  In  the  first  place,  that  you 
were  not  handsome,  and  I  am  not  disappointed. 
Also,  that  you  were  not  dressed  like  a  dandy,  which 
is  also  true.  Also,  that  you  did  not  mean  what 
you  said,  which  of  course  is  true." 

"  Then  why  did  you  answer  me  ?" 

"  Because  I  thought  so.  You  do  not  suppose 
a  sensible  woman  would  advertise  for  a  husband, 
with  an  honest  motive ;  and  I  know  that  no  honest 
man  would  write  such  a  letter  as  you  did.  I  did 
not  come  to  compliment  you,  as  you  find." 

"  I  will  not  complain  that  you  flatter  me." 

Refreshments  were  served  up,  and  the  conversa- 
tion, though  necessarily  carried  on  in  a  low  tone, 
became  animated. 

"Pray  tell  me,"  said  Mr.  Defoe,  "the  precise 
motive  you  had  in  publishing  such  an  advertise- 
ment, and  in  meeting  me  here  ?" 

"  I  did  it  for  fun.  It  was  always  my  disposition. 
Do  you  see  that  row  of  men  over  there,  near  where 
you  were  sitting,  each  with  a  newspaper  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  those  deluded  gentlemen  all  came  here 
at  my  solicitation.  They  all  answered  my  adver- 
tisement; I  wrote  to  them  precisely  as  I  did  to 
you.  I  wrote  the  letter  you  received,  and  my  sister 


168  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

made  twelve  copies  of  it,  which  were  dispatched  to 
as  many  gentlemen.  Seven  of  them,  it  seems,  have 
accepted  the  invitation,  and  are  waiting  for  me." 

"  And  what  will  you  do  ?" 

"  Nothing.  I  did  not  expect  to  recognize  them. 
I  came  to  enjoy  the  sport  of  seeing  them  who 
expected  to  fool  me  fooled  instead;  to  watch  the 
ludicrous  expressions  ^  of  anxiety  and  disappoint- 
ment. They  are  dishonest,  selfish,  ignorant  men,  I 
am  sure,  or  they  would  not  have  written  as  they 
did.  In  fact,  I  am  sure  that  an  honest  man  would 
.not  have  written  at  all.  Now  see  them!  They 
look  over  the  top  of  their  papers  as  if  a  sheriff  was 
after  them." 

"  And  you  came  here  to  laugh  at  them  ?" 

"  Certainly.  This  is  my  menagerie  of  tamed  ani- 
mals. I  took  them  wild ;  but  I  fancy  this  discipline 
will  domesticate  them." 

"  Why  is  it  that  you  have  honored  me  above  all 
the  rest,  and  do  not  laugh  at  my  calamity  in  com- 
mon with  theirs  ?" 

"  Because  you  wrote  an  absurd  letter.  I  saw  at 
once  you  did  not  intend  to  have  me  believe  you. 
But  those  animals  supposed  I  was  foolish  enough  to 
think  they  meant  what  they  said.  I  would  not 
trust  a  soul  of  them  with  my  dinner.  They  tlionghc 


THE   MENAGERIE  IN   DISORDER.  169 

to  deceive  me,  pcrliaps  get  some  of  my  property, 
and  at  any  rate  to  get  into  the  society  I  move  in." 

"  And  how  did  you  know  I  was  the  person  who 
wrote  over  the  name  of  Defoe  ?" 

"The  simplest  thing  in  the  world.  You  sat 
there  with  a  broad  grin  on  your  face,  with  a  look 
of  perfect  indifference.  The  paper  lay  beside  you 
on  the  table,  as  I  knew  it  would  if  I  was  five 
minutes  behind  time.  You  were  thinking  you  had 
been  sold,  and  that  Betty  Ballou  had  played  you  a 
good  trick.  The  others  were  anxious  and  uneasy. 
They  were  meditating  the  schemes  which  brought 
them  here." 

"Your  name,  of  course,  is  not  Ballou?"  sug- 
gested Defoe. 

"  No  more  than  yours  is  Defoe,"  replied  she. 

The  "menagerie"  was  by  this  time  in  a  state  of 
disorder.  The  "  animals,"  uneasy  at  the  delay  of 
the  expected,  called  for  different  articles  of  diet 
and  drink,  and  one  by  one  withdrew.  Mr.  Defoe 
also  expressed  regrets  at  parting,  but  said  he  must 
go. 

"  Must  our  acquaintance  end  here  ?"  he  asked. 

"  Yes,  unless  you  should  chance  to  get  acquainted 
with  my  husband,  and  he  should  invite  you  to  his 
house,  in  which  case  I  shall  be  happy  to  see  you  as 


j^  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

his  friend.     He  does  business  in street,  "No.  — . 

I  should  not  like  to  have  him  know  of  this  adven- 
ture ;  but  I  must  have  some  amusement.  If  you 
ever  know  him  you  will  not  mention  it." 

Mr.  Defoe  pledged  his  honor  not  to  reveal  the 
fact  to  him,  and  bade  her  adieu. 


CHAPTEE    XVII. 

The  shrewd  Speculation  of  Mr.  John  Smith — How  Miss  Jane 
invested  $3,000 — How  Mr.  John  Smith  was  himself  speculated 
upon,  and  the  Wrath  which  it  excited. 

ME.  JOHN  SMITH  (not  the  one  whose  name  appears 
in  the  New  York  Directory),  is  a  man  of  unlimited 
brass,  an  unscrupulous  liar,  and  as  great  a  rascal  as 
his  limited  brains  will  allow. 

About  a  year  ago  Smith  went  to  a  matrimonial 
office  in  Yarick  street,  and  after  satisfying  himself 
that  the  keeper  thereof  was  as  mean  as  he — to  wit, 
as  mean  as  she  knew  how  to  be — he  laid  before  her 
the  following  pleasant  scheme  of  speculation : 

"  There's  a  girl  up  town  that's  got  over  three 
thousand  dollars,  clear  cash  ;  and  I  need  it.  She's 
an  English  girl  that  came  to  !N~ew  York  about  a 
year  ago,  with  her  father,  and  they  took  rooms ; 
but  before  the  old  man  got  into  business  he  was 
taken  sick  and  died.  She  let  the  rooms  to  a  family 
and  took  board  with  'em ;  the  old  woman  that  took 
the  house  bosses  that  girl  just  as  though  she  was 
her  own  daughter,  won't  let  her  stir  out  of  the 

in 


172  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

house  alone,  day-time,  nor  night-time,  nor  go  to 
any  amusements;  and  the  girl,  like  a  silly  one, 
minds  her  like  a  mother.  The  old  man  was  a 
widower,  you  see,  and  left  her  his  money— it  was 
about  $4,000  in  hard  cash,  and  I  think,  by  the  way 
in  which  she  minds  the  old  woman,  she  can  be 
easily  managed,  if  we  can  once  get  hold  of  her. 
I've  tried  hard  to  think  of  some  way  to  gel 
acquainted  with  her,  but  haven't  made  it  out ;  and 
now  I'll  make  you  a  good  offer :  if  you'll  get  the 
girl  to  come  here  and  be  introduced,  and  I  can  get 
her  $3,000,  I'll  give  you  one  thousand ;  and  if  I 
don't  get  all  of  it,  I'll  give  you  a  third  of  what  I  do 
get." 

"I'll  do  my  best  for  you,"  replied  the  matri- 
monial agent ;  "  and  you  must  do  your  best. 
You're  good-looking,  and  if  you  can  manage  to  put 
on  the  proper  airs  of  an  educated  and  rich  man, 
and  a  sentimental  one,  too,  I  think  we'll  fix  it.  I'll 
guarantee  that  you  shall  be  introduced  to  her  be- 
fore the  week  ends." 

"  I've  as  good  jewelry  as  a  man  needs,"  said 
Smith,  confirming  the  assertion  by  showing  an 
elegant  breast-pin.  In  fact,  Smith  knew  "  how  to 
live  on  nothing  a  year  "  as  well  as  Becky  Sharp. 

"That's  very  good  in  its  way,"  suggested  the 


SMITH   ADVERTISES.  173 

broker;  but  if  the  girl  has  ever  studied  English 
grammar,  you'll  have  hard  work  to  make  her  think 
you're  educated.  There's  only  one  thing  about  it ; 
I  must  write  your  speeches,  and  you  must  learn 
them  by  heart." 

"  So  much  the  better,"  said  Smith ;  "  that  will 
save  me  the  trouble." 

The  details  of  the  virtuous  scheme  were  fully 
settled,  and  the  next  day  an  advertisement  ap- 
peared in  a  morning  paper,  representing  that  a 
young  man,  twenty-four  years  old,  of  unexception- 
able habits,  domestic  tastes  and  abundant  means, 
desired  to  make  the  acquaintance  of  a  young  lady 
about  eighteen  years  of  age,  with  a  view  to  matri- 
mony. As  the  advertiser  was  perfectly  sincere, 
none  need  answer  except  in  good  faith.  Any  sin- 
cere person,  who  could  give  undoubted  evidences 

of  respectability,  might  call  upon  Mrs. ,  ISTo.  — 

Varick  street,  who  was  acquainted  with  the  adver- 
tiser, and  who  would  satisfy  her  as  to  his  honorable 
standing  and  intentions.  All  communications 
would  remain  strictly  confidential. 

Smith  and  the  broker  were  satisfied  that  this 
advertisement  of  itself  would  not  be  sufficient,  even 
if  the  young  lady  should  see  it,  which  was  quite 
improbable ;  and  the  next  afternoon,  according  to 
the  broker's  instructions,  Smith  stationed  himself 


174:  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

near  the  girl's  residence,  and  watched,  in  hopes  that 
her  self-constituted  and  inexorable  guardian  would 
leave  the  house.  But  his  monotonous  watch,  which 
was  only  enlivened  by  frequent  potations  at  a  bar 
on  the  corner,  was  in  vain. 

Next  afternoon,  however,  it  was  renewed,  and 
this  time  with  success.  The  landlady  went  out, 
and  now  was  the  time  for  the  grand  experiment. 
In  a  few  minutes  a  note  was  left  at  the  door,  which 
read  as  follows : 

"  NEW  YORK,  November  23d,  185T. 

"  Miss  JANE  :  You  arc  not  without  friends.  I  know  the  miser- 
able imprisonment  you  suffer.  What  business  is  it  to  her  where 
you  go  or  what  you  do?  She  is  your  tenant;  why  are  you  afraid 
of  her  ?  I  have  seen  and  admired  you — know  that  you  are  capable 
of  enjoying  life,  and  being  an  ornament  to  the  society  in  which 
you  move.  I  send  you  an  advertisement  which  I  cut  from  a 
morning  paper.  I  do  not  know  the  gentleman  who  advertises,  but 

I  do  know  Mrs. to  be  an  upright,  and  good  woman,  and  I 

advise  you  to  go  and  see  her.  You  can  depend  upon  what  she 
says,  and  she  will  keep  everything  strictly  secret.  Of  course  you 
need  not  be  introduced  unless  you  choose  to  ;  but  I  am  sure  you 
will  be  greatly  benefited  by  visiting  her.  It  may  be  the  means  of 
introducing  you  to  good  society  at  once.  I  was  married  at  a  matri- 
monial office,  and  have  always  been  very  happy  with  my  husband. 
Whether  you  go  or  not,  be  sure  that  this  is  the  advice  of 

"A  SINCERE  FRIEND. 

"  P.  S. — The  reason  I  do  not  sign  this  with  my  own  name  is 

that  I  am  a  relative  of  Mrs. your  tenant,  and  she  would  be 

very  angry  at  me  if  she  should  know  /wrote  it." 


JANE   IN   THE   LION?S   DEN.  175 

Poor  Jane  was  not  a  little  puzzled  by  this  note, 
"  It  is  evidently  some  one  that  knows  both  of  us," 
she  thought ;  "  some  one  that  knows  how  I  am 
abused,  but  don't  dare  say  anything  openly.  She 
is  a  married  woman,  too,  and  I  am  sure  she  can 
have  no  motive  for  deceiving  me.  But  is  it  a 
proper  place  to  go  to?  She  says  the  agent  is 
honorable,  and  it  will  never  be  known." 

Jane  argued  the  question  a  long  time,  looked  as 
she  thought,  upon  all  sides  of  it,  and  finally  con- 
cluded to  go  the  same  afternoon,  when  she  could 
do  so  without  the  knowledge  of  her  tenant. 

No  sooner  had  she  entered  the  house  of  the 
broker,  however,  to  the  great  delight  of  Smith, 
who  anxiously  spied  her  movements,  than  her 
mind  misgave  her,  and  making  some  trifling 
excuse,  was  about  to  retire,  when  the  broker  came 
to  the  rescue  of  the  joint  speculation,  by  entering 
into  a  lively  conversation,  which  soon  won  the  con- 
fidence of  the  unsuspecting  Jane  so  completely, 
that  she  ventured,  with  many  blushes,  to  mention 
the  advertisement,  which  she  produced. 

"  I  am  glad  you  have  come,"  said  the  broker, 
after  glancing  at  the  advertisement,  "  I  like  your 
looks.  I  know  the  gentleman  who  advertises.  He 
is  one  of  the  most  worthy  and  respectable  men  in 


176  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

New  York.  Besides  liis  good  qualities  lie  is  very 
rich,  and  an  excellent  business  man.  His  father 
had  so  much  confidence  in  him  that  he  gave  the 
charge  of  his  whole  business  to  him  before  he  was 
of  age.  He,  of  course,  has  a  large  circle  of  female 
acquaintances — those  who  move  in  what  is  called 
the  best  society — but  he  is  one  of  the  few  men  who 
will  not  marry  merely  for  worldly  advantage,  but 
is  determined  to  marry  for  love,  without  reference 
to  the  circumstances  of  his  wife.  I  have  known 
him  intimately  for  a  great  many  years,  and  under- 
stand his  habits,  disposition  and  tastes,  almost  as 
well  as  though  he  were  my  own  son ;  and  I  am  satis- 
fied he  will  like  you.  A  number  of  ladies  have 
called  Before  you,  but  I  understood  him  so  well  I 
would  not  introduce  them ;  I  know  it  would  be  a 
waste  of  time.  But  I  am  so  well  pleased  with  you 
that  I  shall  introduce  you,  if  you  will  consent,  after 
making  such  inquiries  about  you  as  I  feel  bound  to 
make  "in  every  instance. 

"  The  truth  is,  many  women  come  here  that  I 
will  not  permit  to  come  the  second  time.  They 
are  bad  persons,  who  do  not  understand  the  true 
character  of  this  place.  I  never  introduce  parties 
until  I  am  perfectly  satisfied  of  their  respectability ; 
and  it  has  often  happened  that  when  I  required 


PROFESSIONS   OF  HONESTY.  177 

references,  they  have  left  without  giving  any ;  and 
sometimes,  when  I  have  obtained  references,  and 
called  upon  them,  the  persons  referred  to  had  no 
knowledge  of  the  party  at  all,  or  were  themselves 
persons  I  could  not  trust.  Were  I  to  introduce 
everybody  promiscuously,  I  should  soon  get  into 
trouble. 

"I  do  not  mean  to  intimate  that  I  doubt  your 
representations ;  for  I  am  a  judge  of  human  nature, 
and  believe  you  to  be  perfectly  honest.  But  to 
prevent  all  possibility  of  mistake,  I  shall  pursue 
my  usual  course,  and  make  inquiries;  and  when 
satisfied,  I  shall  give  you  references,  so  that  you 
can  satisfy  yourself  of  the  gentleman's  character; 
then  there  can  be  no  deception  on  either  side ;  for 
I  do  perfectly  despise  a  person  that  will  deceive 
even  in  the  smallest  way." 

•  Jane's  honest  soul  was  greatly  delighted  with  the 
woman's  inflexible  integrity,  and  she  told  all  about 
herself,  where  her  acquaintances  lived,  and  invited 
her  to  her  house,  where  she  hoped  she  would  be 
convinced  that  all  her  representations  were  true. 

Several  days  elapsed,  during  which  the  broker 
called  upon  Jane,  and  professed  to  have  made 
inquiries  and  to  be  perfectly  satisfied,  at  the  same 
time  giving  a  list  of  distinguished  persons  as 

8* 


178  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

references  for  Smith,  but  Jane  was  so  well  satisfied 
that  she  never  took  the  trouble  to  call  on  any  of 
them. 

After  a  long  mental  conflict,  Jane  consented 
to  be  introduced,  and  Mr.  Smith  put  on  the  very 
blandest  and  most  fascinating  manners  of  which 
he  was  capable.  He  was  well  aware  that  modesty 
and  respect — although  he  possessed  neither — were 
the  qualities  most  needed,  and  he  succeeded  well  in 
assuming  them. 

"Mrs.  ,  I  have  no  doubt,"  said  he,  "has 

told  you  my  circumstances ;  and  first  of  all  I  wish 
you  to  be  convinced  of  my  perfect  sincerity.  I 
hope,  above  all,  to  retain  your  respect,  and  to  show 
you  by  every  act  that  I  fully  mean'  all  I  profess. 
They  tell  us  in  books  and  sermons  that  there  is 
much  deception  in  the  world,  and  I  suppose  we 
must  believe  there  is ;  but  I  am  sure  there  are  per- 
sons above  it." 

By  many  similar  speeches,  all  of  which  were 
carefully  committed  in  advance,  from  the  original 
manuscript  of  the  broker,  as  well  as  by  his  respect- 
ful behavior  and  manners,  Smith  gained  ground 
rapidly  in  Jane's  good  opinion,  and  in  about  four 
weeks  they  were  engaged. 

"  Now,"  Smith  said  to  the  broker,  "  I  have  spent 


A   FRIENDLY   FAVOR.  179 

more  time  in  this  business  than  in  any  job  I  ever 
undertook  before  in  my  life,  and  I'm  bound  to  have 
the  money." 

"  You  shall,"  replied  the  broker,  "  you  shall  have 
it  at  once." 

Jane  called  that  afternoon,  and  the  broker 
repeated  the  praises  of  Smitlr  s  business  talents ; 
said  he  was  intrusted  with  thousands  of  dollars 
every  year  by  his  friends,  who  got  him  to  invest  it 
for  them,  he  always  turned  it  to  such  good  ac- 
count ;  and  that  she,  herself,  whenever  she  had 
any  money  to  spare,  let  him  have  it ;  that  he  always 
paid  ten  per  cent.,  and  refunded  whenever  it  was 
needed. 

"  I  have  a  little  money,  as  you  know,"  said  Jane, 
"between  three  and  four  thousand  dollars,  that 
I  have  kept  in  the  bank  ever  since  father  died, 
and  I  wish  some  good  business  man  had  it.  Do 
you  suppose  he  would  like  to  take  so  small  an 
amount  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  from  any  friend  he  would,  and  from 
you  especially ;  he  will  do  anything  for  you.  Of 
course  it  is  no  object  to  him  ;  he  has  money 
enough  of  his  own ;  but  I  am  sure  it  would  give 
him  great  pleasure  to  do  you  a  favor  of  that 
kind." 


180          MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

"  Besides,"  suggested  Jane,  gratefully,  u  if  I 
should  make  him  the  offer,  it  would  show  him  that 
I  had  perfect  confidence  in  him." 

"  So  it  would,"  said  the  broker. 

The  matter  was  thus  settled  "before  Mr.  Smith's 
arrival,  and  the  happy  pair  had  not  been  convers- 
ing long  before  Jane,  expressing  profound  gratitude 
for  Mr.  Smith's  condescension  in  loving  a  person  of 
her  humble  station,  begged  that  he  would  take 
three  thousand  dollars  of  her  money,  and  use  it  as 
he  thought  best. 

"Really,"  said  Smith,  "I  am  very  grateful  to 
you  for  this  additional  evidence  of  your  confidence. 
If  you  are  desirous  that  I  should  take  the  money, 
I  think  I  can  invest  it  advantageously,  where  it 
will  be  perfectly  secure,  and  draw  at  least  ten 
per  cent.  I  shall,  however,  insist  upon  securing 
you." 

"  I  do  not  want  any  security,"  said  Jane.  "  Please 
take  it,  won't  you,  and  use  it  as  you  like  ?" 

"  I  will  certainly  do  whatever  you  wish  ;  but  you 
will  at  least  allow  me  to  give  you  a  receipt  or  note 
for  it." 

"  You  may  do  as  you  like  about  that,"  replied 
Jane ;  "  but  I  don't  see  any  need  of  it." 

It  was  agreed  that  the  money  should  be  drawn 


181 


from  the  bank  immediately,  and  paid  over  next 
day,  and  Smith,  in  view  of  his  good  prospects,  re- 
joiced exceedingly.. 

But  the  matrimonial  broker  had  plans  regarding 
which  she  had  not  consulted  Mr.  Smith ;  and  the 
next  morning  Jane  was  sent  for,  and  soon  made 
her  appearance  with  the  money.  The  broker  gave 
her  the  tenderest  of  kisses,  and  the  sweetest  of 
smiles. 

"Mr.  Smith,"  said  she,  "came  here  late  last 
evening,  and  informed  me  that  he  was  subpoenaed 
as  a  witness  in  an  important  trial,  and  must  leave 
for  Albany  on  the  earliest  train  this  morning. 
Previously,  however,  he  had  arranged  for  investing 
your  money,  and  as  the  gentleman  wants  it  to-day, 
he  left  his  receipt  with  me,  together  with  a  request 
that  you  would  pay  me  the  amount,  as  you  see,"  at 
the  same  time  exhibiting  the  order  and  receipt. 
"  He  will  return  in  two  days,  and  wishes  you  to 
meet  him  here  on  Friday  at  three  o'clock." 

Jane,  though  disappointed  at  not  meeting  her 
lover,  cheerfully  paid  the  money  and  retired. 

At  three  o'clock  the  same  afternoon,  Smith, 
having  recovered  from  the  debauchery  of  the  pre- 
vious night,  and  properly  attired  himself,  set  out 
for  the  office,  revolving  in  his  mind  a  scheme  for 


182  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

pocketing  the  three  thousand,  and  escaping  a  divi- 
sion with  the  broker.  "  It's  all  nonsense,"  said  he, 
"  to  give  her  a  thousand.  What  is  it  to  her  ?  She's 
dishonest  as  Satan,  and  I  might  as  well  keep  the 
whole." 

Mr.  Smith,  therefore,  was  considerably  taken 
aback,  on  reaching  the  house,  to  find  it  closed  and 
apparently  deserted.  He  rang  the  bell  and  swore 
alternately,  and  with  equal  vehemence.  But  both 
were  alike  vain.  The  matrimonial  broker,  in  fact, 
reflecting  upon  her  scanty  receipts,  upon  her  bills 
for  a  quarter's  rent  of  house  and  furniture,  to  say 
nothing  of  coal  and  provision  bills,  had  pocketed 
the  money  and  ended  her  troubles  by  "  removing 
the  ranch." 

Mr.  Smith  saw  at  once  that  he  was  worsted,  and 
contemplated  legal  measures ;  but,  unfortunately,  he 
discovered  that  an  investigation  would  be  very 
likely  to  send  him  to  State  Prison,  as  well  as  his 
accomplice  ;  and  the  more  Mr.  Smith  reflected,  the 
more  was  he  convinced  that  he  was  helpless.  He 
could  only  swear,  which  he  did  in  a  very  satisfac- 
tory manner,  and  to  the  full  extent  of  his  limited 
philological  attainments. 

Jane  went  on  the  appointed  day  to  meet  her 
betrothed,  but  it  is  unnecessary  to  say  she  has  never 


A  SENSIBLE  RESOLUTION.  183 

seen  him.  After  the  sufferings  inseparable  from 
the  discovery  that  she  had  been  deceived  and 
swindled,  she  sensibly  declined  to  die  with  grief, 
and  taking  the  little  money  she  had  saved,  went  to 
the  country  and  is  teaching  school.  The  broker, 
under  another  name,  is  telling  fortunes  in  "New 
Fork. 


CHAPTER  XYIII. 

Matrimonial  Office  in  Broadway — Robinson  the  Philanthropist— A 
Human  Rival  of  the  Long  Island  Mastodon — The  Trials  and 
Sufferings  of  Mr.  J.  W.  B.  Johnson — Letter  of  a  Matrimonial 
Broker — A  Peruvian  in  search  of  a  Wife — Effect  of  his  Applica- 
tion in  the  Rural  Districts. 

A  "MATRIMONIAL  Brokerage  Office" — so  it  was 
called  in  the  advertisement — was  opened  in  Hud- 
son street,  in  the  fall  of  1857,  by  "Willams  and 
Robinson,  and  was  subsequently  removed  to  534 
Broadway,  where  it  dispensed  its  blessings  to  man 
and  womankind,  until  the  keeper  thereof,  for  a 
reason  which  he  never  made  public,  suddenly  shut 
up  shop  and  disappeared.  The  partnership  was 
dissolved  in  the  spring  of  1858,  after  which  Robin- 
son carried  on  the  business  alone. 

Mr.  Robinson,  the  continuer  of  the  office,  and 
the  dispenser  of  marital  bliss,  is  a  man  of  faith ; 
and  his  faith  is  in  matrimonial  brokerage.  Con- 
vinced that  all  men  who  are  born  of  woman  have  a 
mission  on  this  sublunary  sphere,  he  has  come  to 
the  conclusion  that  he  has  a  mission,  and  that  it  is 

184 


>THE  MISSION   OF  ROBINSON.  185 

to  make  matches — matches  connubial,  not  lucifer 
— the  fees  thereof  being  merely  incidental.  He  has 
"  consented,"  "  seeing  the  necessities  and  demands 
of  the  age,"  to  devote  all  his  abilities — natural, 
acquired,  and  stolen — to  disseminating  conjugal 
beatitudes,  helping  helpless  and  hopeless  old  maids 
to  win  previously  frigid  old  bachelors,  and  despair- 
ing damsels  to  find  congenial  and  attractive  mates. 

The  philanthropic,  unselfish,  and"  entirely  self- 
sacrificing  Mr.  Robinson,  having  the  fear  of  statute- 
books,  police  magistrates  and  lawyers  before  his 
eyes,  declareth,  that  when  he  opened  his  office  he 
took  counsel  as  to  what  the  law  in  verity  saith, 
"  being  desirous,"  to  use  his  own  memorable  words, 
"  not  to  be  hauled  up  as  a  swindler !" 

The  apprehension  of  such  a  possible  contingency 
did  not,  of  course,  originate  in  any  disposition  on 
his  part  to  defraud  or  swindle  ;  but  in  looking  over 
the  long  list  of  martyrs  whose  names  are  enrolled 
on  the  archives  of  Blackwell's  Island,  and  the 
longer  list  which,  in  common  estimation,  ought  to 
be  there,  he  concluded  that,  like  other  philosophers 
and  philanthropists,  he  was  in  advance  of  the  age  ; 
and  that  public  opinion,  often  blind  and  infatuated, 
and  even  judges  upon  the  bench,  or  juries  in  the 
box,  might  mistake  philanthropy  for  fraud. 


186  MATEIMONIAL  BEOKEEAGE. 

It  is  probable  that  one  of  the  most  painful  things 
the  philanthropic  Robinson  encounters  in  his  busi- 
ness, is  the  necessity  of  charging  anything  for  his 
services.  But  as  he  cannot  buy  even  Graham  bread 
without  drachmae,  he  resolved  to  put  money  in  his 
purse ;  in  consequence  whereof,  all  persons  seeking 
his  assistance  in  getting  mated,  irrespective  of  age, 
sex,  color,  or  condition,  are  required  to  deposit  a 
fee  in  advance.  "Without  this,  Mr.  Robinson  abso- 
lutely declines  to  take  a  single  step  in  their  behalf. 
But  let  it  be  observed,  there  is  no  speculation  in 
those  eyes  that  he  does  glare  with. 

With  this  fee  the  candidate  leaves  a  name  and 
references,  with  description  of  his  person  and  cir- 
cumstances. But  he  generally  finds  to  his  sorrow 
that  he  has  shouldered  a  blind  speculation;  and 
that  he  is  much  less  likely  to  grope  into  the  good 
graces  of  a  rich  widow  or  charming  damsel  than 
into  a  pit  of  despair. 

Mr.  J.  W.  B.  Johnson  had  an  interesting  experi- 
ence in  this  matrimonial  office. 

Mr.  J.  "W.  B.  Johnson,  in  height,  will  compare 
favorably  with  the  mastodon  recently  discovered  on 
Long  Island.  The  size  of  the  foot  and  general  for- 
mation of  the  limb,  likewise,  are  not  unlike  the 
corresponding  portions  of  that  animal.  But  the 


MR.  JOHNSON'S  PERSONAL  APPEARANCE.       187 

body  has  thus  far  been  unable  to  keep  pace  with 
the  growth  of  the  huge  leviathanic  legs  on  which 
it  has  been  elevated,  and  looks  more  like  the 
steeple  than  the  second  story  of  the  structure. 

Notwithstanding  his  immense  height,  Mr.  John- 
son is  not  above  the  ordinary  emotions  of  mankind, 
and  observing  Mr.  Robinson's  advertisement  in  the 
papers,  wrote,  making  sundry  pertinent  inquiries, 
to  which,  in  due  time,  he  received  a  letter  in  reply, 
of  which  the  following  is  an  exact  copy : 

"  Robinson  &  Williams 

Corresponding  Agency 
No.  534  Broadway 

N.  Y.  April  7th  68 

"  Sir  yours  of  the  6  came  to  hand  this  day  and  If  you  could  call 
and  see  us  we  may  do  something  In  your  case  you  need  have  no 
fear  to  call,  for  you  will  see  no  one  but  us  as  our  office  Is  private,  I 
have  some  ladies  I.  think  will  suit,  call  between  9  &  10  In  the  Morn- 
ing, as  we  have  few  calls  until  afternoon. 

"  Respectfully 

"  ROBINSON  &  WILLIAMS." 

The  next  day,  after  receiving  this  epistle,  Mr. 
Johnson  carried  his  immense  feet  up  Broadway, 
and  after  lifting  them  up  two  nights  of  stairs,  he 
found  Mr.  Robinson  seated  at  a  desk,  in  a  small 
office. 

The  usual  meteorological  civilities  having  been 


188  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

exchanged,  Mr.  Johnson  proceeded  to  enter  his 
name  and  age,  and  a  detailed  description  of  hi» 
general  health,  personal  appearance,  circumstar 
and  habits,  together  with  a  description  of  the  kinc 
of  wife  he  wanted.  Of  this  latter  description,  we 
can  say  nothing  more  than  that  neither  Ovid's 
Ars  Amoris,  the  Memoirs  of  Ninon  de  1'Enclos, 
Anacreon's  Odes,  Cervantes'  Exemplary  Novels, 
Bocaccio's  Decameron,  nor  the  latest  Encyclo- 
paedia of  Renowned  "Women,  contains  such  another. 
Mr.  Johnson  obtained  the  name  and  residence  of 
a  female  candidate,  which  read  as  follows  : 

" Lee, 

No.  83  So.  3d  St.,  Williamsburg." 

Mr.  Johnson  started  for  the  place,  and  with  that 
attention  to  the  geographical  qualities  of  a  straight 
line  and  the  arc  of  great  circles,  which  indicated  a 
confidence  in  the  results  of  science,  and  more  than 
the  fidelity  of  a  magnetic  needle,  in  his  palpitating 
heart.  He  very  naturally  expected  to  find  a  dwel- 
ling house  at  83,  but  was  somewhat  taken  aback,  on 
reaching  the  spot,  to  find,  instead,  a  Universalist 
meeting-house. 

Mr.  Johnson  was  next  given  the  address  of  a 
widow  in  14th  street,  and  advised  to  write  to  her. 


MU.  JOHNSON    AWAITS    A   LETTER.  189 

The  reply  was  to  be  directed  to  Mr.  Robinson,  and 
by  him  delivered  to  Mr.  Johnson. 

Mr.  Johnson  wrote.  Mr.  Johnson  waited  three 
days.  Mr.  Johnson  went  to  the  matrimonial  office 
for  a  reply,  but  received  none.  Mr.  Johnson  waited 
a  week;  and  again  went  for  a  reply,  and  again 
found  none.  Mr.  Johnson  repeated  this  interesting 
process  eight  or  ten  times,  more  or  less,  with  the 
same  result  ;  after  which  Mr.  Johnson  became 
weary  of  carrying  his  extremities  up  Broadway, 
and  after  debating  whether  to  proceed  to  extrem- 
ities with  the  unreliable  Mr.  Robinson,  he  con- 
cluded to  let  Mr.  Robinson  keep  the  fee  unmo- 
lested; and  to  this  day  Mr.  Johnson  remains  as 
unmarried  as  he  was  before  he  paid  it. 

One  day  a  Peruvian  called  upon  the  philosophic 
and  philanthropic  Robinson  to  get  a  wife.  He 
was  up  here,  he  said,  on  business,  and  declared 
himself  the  possessor  of  innumerable  drachmae. 
In  his  opinion,  he  should  confer  an  immense  honor 
upon  -  any  female  to  whom  he  gave  his  mongrel 
hand. 

This  black  son  of  the  tropics  wanted  a  light  com- 
plexioned  girl — a  fact  going  to  establish  the  truth 
of  the  poet's  assertion,  that 

"  things  most  opposite 

To  things  most  opposite  do  sometimes  cling." 


190  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

The  bride  must  be  rich  and  accomplished  like 
himself.  If  sucli  a  one  could  be  found,  he  would 
give  her  an  A  "No.  1  social  position,  and  take  her 
through  Europe  on  his  return  home. 

Robinson  was  in  no  doubt  as  to  the  propriety  of 
pocketing  the  fee ;  but  after  that  was  paid,  he  was 
in  considerable  doubt  as  to  the  result.  "This 
man,"  thought  he,  "  is  as  black  as  the  devil's  beard ; 
he  lives  some  thousands  of  miles  off.  It  is  a  hard 
case." 

He  told  the  Peruvian  that  it  was  doubtful 
whether  a  lady  of  the  description  wanted  could  be 
found  in  ~New  York  willing  to  marry  him,  for  the 
reason  that  such  have  as  good  chances  at  home ; 
but  in  the  country  it  often  happened  that  rich 
and  accomplished  girls  find  no  congenial  society, 
and  he  believed  he  could  "  make  a  raise  "  among 
some  of  his  female  correspondents  in  the  rural  dis- 
tricts. 

The  philanthropic  Robinson  accordingly  sent  out 
an  indefinite  number  of  letters  to  rural  damsels, 
containing  a  minute  description  of  the  Peruvian, 
and  setting  forth  the  advantages  of  an  alliance 
with  him.  One  of  these  missives  found  its  way 
about  four  hundred  miles  into  the  interior,  where  a 
precious  flower,  hitherto  blushing  unseen,  was  wast- 
ing its  sweetness  on  the  unappreciating  air. 


RURAL  HEART  IN  A  FLUTTER.         191 

Tliis  maid  had  money  ;  she  could  play  the  piano, 
was  light  complexioned,  and  not  bad  looking. 
Numerous  were  the  hands  which  had  been,  or 
might  have  been  offered  her ;  but  aspiring  to  a  more 
honorable  alliance,  she  had,  with  wanton  tyranny, 
trampled  rustic  hearts  into  the  gravel,  as  though 
they  were  worms  or  bugs,  and  returned  only  abhor- 
rence and  scorn  for  the  glances  of  love  and  admira- 
tion. 

But  when  Mr.  Robinson's  epistle  reached  her,  it 
was  her  turn  to  be  moved,  and  she  was  immedi- 
ately in  no  less  of  a  flutter  than  that  she  had  so 
often  created  among  the  rustics  with  impunity. 

Bright  visions  of  a  European  tour — numberless 
servants  in  livery — nameless  wealth — high  social 
position,  flitted  through  her  intoxicated  brain. 

She  immediately  replied  to  Mr.  Eobinson's  epis- 
tle, stating  that  she  flattered  herself  she  answered 
the  description  of  the  article  wanted  by  the  Peru- 
vian, and  expressing  a  willingness  to  marry  the 
Senor,  provided  he  was  not  a  humbug,  as  of  course 
he  was  not,  being  backed  by  the  honest  Mr.  Robin- 
son. 

One  of  the  saddest  things  the  writer  has  to  con- 
template is  the  almost  constant  necessity  under 
which  he  finds  himself  of  recording  the  sudden 


192  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

blowing  up  of  human  hopes.  But  Sancho  Panza 
said,  "  Let  every  man's  fate  kill  him  ;"  and  as  the 
author  is  only  giving  a  plain  unvarnished  tale  of 
naked  facts,  he  is  not  at  liberty  to  draw  the  pleas- 
ing veil  of  romance  over  these  realities,  even  to 
save  the  hopes  of  a  rural  maiden  from  sudden  des- 
truction. 

Her  letter  was  received  and  laid  before  the 
tropical  being.  He  read  it  several  times  with 
great  deliberation,  seated  in  an  easy-chair,  with 
his  legs  elevated  at  an  angle  of  forty-five  degrees, 
and  a  delicious  Havana  in  his  mouth,  the  honest 
Robinson  meanwhile  awaiting  the  result  with  phil- 
osophic serenity  and  parental  solicitude. 

The  Peruvian  having  read  the  gilt-edged  sheet  to 
his  satisfaction,  handed  it  back  to  Mr.  Robinson 
and  yawned. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Robinson,  "  what  do  you  think 
of  it?" 

"  It  won't  pay,"  was  the  brief  but  pregnant  an- 
swer of  the  Peruvian. 

"  But,"  suggested  Robinson,  "  you  have  not  seen 
her,  and  perhaps  you  had  better  go  up  there ;  the 
journey  will  do  you  good.  If  you  don't  like  her 
there'll  be  no  harm  done." 

"No  lo  quiera  Dios!"  was  the  reply  of  the 


THE   PEBUVIAN   IS   INFLEXIBLE.  193 

Peruvian ;  but  Mr.  Robinson,  not  understanding 
the  expression,  asked  him  to  translate  it,  which  he 
did  in  a  very  free  manner,  by  replying  that  it 
meant,  he  would  see  him  in — fire  first. 

Mr.  Robinson  protested  against  this  summary 
disposal  of  the  matter ;  but  the  swarthy  son  of  the 
tropics  was  as  stubborn  as  a  mule,  and  absolutely 
refused  to  stir. 

But  as  Mr.  Robinson  had  got  his  fee,  as  well  as 
the  young  lady's,  it  made  no  especial  difference  to 
him,  except  that  he  was  prevented  from  adding  to 
the  happiness  of  the  human  race  by  bringing  about 
a  happy  union.  How  the  matter  affected  the 
young  lady  may  be  inferred  from  the  following 
letter : 

" , ,  1858. 

"  Sir — In  my  opinion  you  have  cheated  me,  and  I  think  you 
are  a  humbug.  You  are  welcome  to  my  '  fee,'  and  since  this  was 
all  you  were  after,  I  suppose  you  will  no?  give  me  any  more  trouble 
in  future. 

"  Yours  finally, ." 

In  view  of  the  philanthropic  sentiments,  and  hap- 
pifying  results  of  Mr.  Robinson's  endeavors,  it  is 
matter  for  general  public  regret,  that  he  found  him- 
self impelled  to  pull  down  his  sign  and  close  the 
doors  of  his  office,  before  the  summer  months  were 

9 


194:  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

ended.  Yet  such  was  the  case  ;  although  the  high 
character  and  standing  of  that  distinguished  broker 
forbid  the  idea  that  there  was  anything  dishonest 
in  his  dealings ;  hence  we  cannot  believe  the  story 
which  the  matrimonial  broker  mentioned  in  the 
sixth  chapter,  told  about  him.  By  this  incredible 
narrative,  she  attempted  to  make  it  appear  that 
a  foreigner  gave  him  $50  for  an  introduction, 
and  finding  himself  deceived,  threatened  to  prose- 
cute Mr.  Robinson  as  a  common  swindler ;  where- 
upon that  individual  disappeared  from  public  gaze. 
But  who  can  believe  what  one  matrimonial  broker 
says  of  another,  especially  when  the  accused  party 
is  a  man  of  such  distinguished  worth  as  was  Mr. 
Robinson  ? 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

How  Thomas  Dunn  was  done  Brown — He  encounters  an  English 
Widow  with  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  Sterling— He  leaves  his 
Likeness — What  Use  was  made  of  it. 

THOMAS  DUNN,  a  respectable  bachelor,  who  formerly 
did  business  in  the  lower  part  of  "New  York  city, 
one  morning  had  his  attention  attracted  by  an 
advertisement,  which  represented  that  a  widow, 
twenty-six  years  old,  without  children,  and  worth 
an  ample  fortune,  desired  to  marry,  and  was  in- 
duced to  advertise,  as  the  circle  of  her  acquaint- 
ance here  was  quite  limited,  her  husband  having 
died  a  few  weeks  after  their  arrival  from  Eng- 
land. 

Mr.  Dunn  is  himself  an  Englishman,  and  pos- 
sesses the  strongest  prejudices  in  favor  of  his  coun- 
trymen. Had  the  lady  been  an  American,  he 
would  not  have  noticed  her ;  being  from  England, 
she  must  be  honest  and  clever.  Further,  he  is 
bent  on  obtaining  his  share  of  filthy  lucre ;  and  an 
Englishwoman  with  a  fortune  was,  above  all  things, 
an  object  of  regard. 


195 


196  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

He  accordingly  answered  the  advertisement,  and 
received  a  prompt  reply,  requesting  him  to  call  at 
a  matrimonial  office  in  Mott  street,  for  full  par- 
ticulars, and  to  leave  his  likeness  there  for  her  to 
consult. 

Mr.  Dunn  thought  this  a  very  reasonable  request, 
and  without  hesitation  deposited  his  picture  with 
the  matrimonial  broker,  and  was  informed  by  that 
individual,  that  Mrs.  Giles,  the  advertiser,  was  a 
lady  worth  at  least  thirty  thousand  pounds  sterling, 
which  Mr.  Dunn  remarked  wTas  about  one  hundred 
and  fifty  thousand  dollars. 

"  If  she  is  pleased  with  your  appearance,"  said 
the  broker,  "  she  will  make  your  acquaintance, 
provided  you  are  worth  as  much  money  as  you 
represent,  and  are  a  man  of  good  character.  It 
will  save  time  if  you  leave  your  address  with  me, 
and  such  references  as  you  choose  to  give." 

Mr.  Dunn  did  as  he  was  requested,  remarking 
that  as  he  had  never  done  anything  he  was  ashamed 
of,  he  knew  of  no  reason  wliy  he  should  withhold 
a  full  account  of  himself. 

In  two  or  three  days  the  broker  called  upon  Mr. 
Dunn  at  his  store,  and  communicated  the  gratify- 
ing intelligence  that  his  likeness  and  references 
were  satisfactory,  and  that  if  he  would  call  at  the 


A   DIFFICULTY.  197 

office  the  same  evening,  he  could  be  introduced  to 
Mrs.  Giles. 

He  went  accordingly  and  was  introduced.  Mrs. 
Giles  was  not  very  handsome,  but  Mr.  Dunn 
respects  so  profoundly  a  purse  of  gold,  that  the 
most  glaring  defects  of  the  person  holding  it  are 
not  visible  to  his  naked  eye.  Goodness  and 
wickedness,  as  abstract  principles,  never  trouble 
his  obtuse  head;  he  does  not,  in  fact,  know  the 
difference  between  a  good  man  and  a  mean  one. 
The  best  man  for  him  is  the  man  who  makes  and 
keeps  most  money. 

The  part,  therefore,  which  Mrs.  Giles  had  to 
play,  was  a  simple  one.  She  had  only  to  con- 
vince Mr.  Dunn  that  she  was  worth  thirty  thousand 
pounds,  and  her  conquest  was  complete. 

But  this  part,  though  simple,  was  after  all  very 
difficult,  owing  to  the  fact  that  Mrs.  Giles  had  not 
ten  pounds  sterling  in  the  world ;  and  Mr.  Dunn 
was  the  last  man  in  the  city  to  be  put  off  with 
excuses  on  this  point. 

"  I  must  see  the  papers,"  said  he.  "  How  is  it 
invested  ?" 

Mrs.  Giles  replied  that  she  had  left  the  matter 
entirely  in  the  hands  of  her  agent,  who  could  give 
him  all  necessary  information. 


198  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  Who  is  your  agent  ?"  inquired  Dunn. 

"  Mr.  Brown,"  answered  the  widow. 

"  Where  is  his  office  ?" 

"  In  Wall  street." 

"What  number?" 

"  I  don't  remember  exactly  the  number ;  but  I 
have  his  card,  which  I  will  bring  you  the  next  time 
you  come." 

"  A  singular  way  of  doing  business  you  women 
have,"  remarked  Mr.  Dunn.  "  How  do  you  know 
but  this  Brown  is  a  rascal,  and  is  cheating  you  out 
of  your  money  ?" 

"  Oh,  no.  My  husband  left  our  affairs  entirely 
in  his  hands.  They  were  old  friends." 

"  Then  Brown  is  an  Englishman  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Well, 'it's  all  right,  I  presume ;  but  I  must  see 
this  man  immediately." 

"  Certainly.  Come  to-morrow,-  and  I  will  give 
you  his  card." 

"By  the  way,  Mrs.  Giles,"  suggested  Dunn, 
"  you  have  never  told  me  where  you  live.  I  must 
of  course  know  you  better — know  something  of 
your  friends  and  associations  before  we  marry." 

"  Oh,  yes,  of  course.  Come  up  here  to-morrow 
evening,  and  I  will  tell  you  everything." 


199 


Mr.  Dunn  -went  over  next  evening,  and  was  sur- 
prised to  find  another  family  in  the  house. 

"  Where  is  Mrs. ?"  he  inquired,  naming  the 

broker. 

"  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  strange  woman. 
"  I  let  her  have  the  room  a  few  days,  and  she  told 
me  this  morning,  she  did  not  want  it  any  longer, 
and  so  she  left." 

"  Then  she  didn't  live  here  *" 

"  Oh,  no.  I  am  a  poor  woman,  and  do  washing, 
and  am  out  almost  all  day ;  so  I  rented  the  place 
to  her  a  few  days  at  seventy-five  cents  a  day, 
and  stayed  here  o'  nights  after  I'd  got  through  with 
my  work  ?" 

"  You  don't  know  where  she's  gone  ?" 

"  No,  sir." 

"  Do  you  know  such  a  woman  as  Mrs.  Giles  ?" 

«  No,  sir." 

"  Do  you  know  what  she  hired  the  room  for  ?" 

"  No,  sir,  indeed.  She  said  she  advertised  for  a 
place  as  housekeeper,  and  wanted  to  stay  here  to 
receive  answers.  I  thought  seventy-five  cents  a 
day  was  liberal,  and  so  I  let  her  come." 

Mr.  Dunn  growled  very  much  as  a  surly  dog 
would  growl  if  one  should  snatch  a  bone  from  him 
which  he  was  picking. 


200  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  Do  you  know  such  a  man  as  Brown  in  "Wall 
street?"  lie  demanded,  in  a  savage  tone,  which 
frightened  the  poor  washerwoman  terribly. 

"  No,  indeed  I  don't.  I'm  only  a  poor  woman, 
and  do  washing  for  a  living." 

"  "Washing  to  the  dogs !  Tell  me  where  that 
rascally  woman  is  that  was  here  yesterday." 

"  Oh,  I  can't,  indeed  I  can't,  sir ;  for  it's  as  I  tell 
you." 

Mr.  Dunn  gave  another  canine  growl  and  de- 
parted, vexed  and  disappointed.  He  still  had  faith 
in  Mrs.  Giles  ;  but  the  broker  being  an  American, 
and  poor,  had  played  the  mischief.  He  therefore 
inserted  a  notice  in  the  "  Personal "  of  the  Herald 

% 

to  the  effect  that  if  Mrs.  L G ,  who  met 

Mr.  T D at  the  house  of  Mrs.  P.  G- 

would  call  upon  the  said  T D ,  she  would 

confer  a  great  favor,  as  he  believed  "  the  said  P. 

G had  done  mischief." 

But  he  waited  in  vain  for  Mrs.  L G to 

call  on  the  said  T D ;  and  begun  to  think 

the  said  L G — —  had  been  robbed,  and  per- 
haps murdered.  "There's  foul  play  in  the  busi- 
ness," he  soliloquized ;  "  thirty  thousand  pounds 
is  too  much  temptation  for  a  poor  American 
woman,  and  I'll  guarantee  she's  got  a  part  of  it. 


A  TERRIBLE  PIECE   OF   NEWS.  201 

Poor  Mrs.  Giles !  she  has  been  robbed,  I  am 
sure  I" 

Such  were  the  disconsolate  reflections  of  Mr. 
Dunn,  merchant,  reflections  which  at  times  greatly 
exercised  his  miserly  soul — until  one  day  a  friend 
came  to  him  in  much  concern,  and  informed  him 
that  he  had  something  important  to  communicate, 
which  neither  of  them  would  wish  others  to  hear. 
Being  closeted  together,  the  friend  proceeded  to 
relate,  that  a  young  Mr.  Peterson,  known  as  a  dis- 
sipated youth,  had  assured  him  that  the  likeness  of 
Mr.  Thomas  Dunn  was  exhibited  in  a  house  of 
nameless  character,  to  the  no  small  merriment  of 
certain  reckless  persons  who  happened  to  know  Mr. 
Dunn ;  and  that  the  young  woman  who  exhibited 
it,  told  a  very  comical  story  about  it ;  and,  in 
short,  that  Mr.  Dunn  was  spoken  of  as  a  frequenter 
and  patron  of  the  establishment,  and  an  ardent 
admirer  of  the  young  woman  in  question. 

Now,  Mr.  Dunn,  though  unscrupulous  in  matters 
of  business,  and  always  ready  to  overlook  the 
means  by  which  a  man  obtained  money,  if  he  only 
obtained  it,  was  justly  sensitive  of  his  reputation  as 
a  man  of  virtue,  and  nothing  except  the  failure  of 
some  house  largely  in  his  debt,  could  have  dis- 

9* 


202  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

mayed  him  so  much  as  this  intelligence.  He  knew 
at  once  where  the  likeness  came  from,  and  forth- 
with dispatched  a  messenger  for  the  young  man 
who  had  communicated  the  news  to  his  friend. 

The  young  man  confirmed  the  statement  Mr. 
Dunn  had  already  received,  and  with  remorseless 
minuteness  described  the  merriment  his  likeness 
in  such  a  place  had  occasioned. 

Mr.  Dunn  employed  the  young  man  as  an  ambas- 
sador to  recover  his  picture ;  but  the  female  who 
had  it  would  not  surrender  her  treasure.  "  Tell 
Mr.  Dunn,"  said  she,  "  that  I  cannot  part  with  the 
likeness  of  a  gentleman  for  whom  I  entertain  so 
much  love." 

Dunn  grew  desperate,  and  talked  of  invoking  the 
police ;  but  his  friends  assured  him  that  would  only 
make  matters  worse. 

Finally,  after  numerous  messages  and  tedious 
negotiations,  Mr.  Dunn  gave  the  woman  a  hundred 
dollars  to  surrender  the  picture,  and  he  fancied  his 
troubles  were  at  an  end.  In  this,  however,  he  was 
mistaken  ;  for  as  he  sat  in  his  counting-room  one 
day,  he  received  a  note  from  "  Mrs.  Giles,"  inform- 
ing him  that  she  was  in  need  of  $25,  and  that 
unless  be  could  lend  her  that  amount  she  should 
feel  compelled  to  put  on  exhibition  the  copy  of  the 


WORSE   AND   WOKSE.  203 

photograph  she  had  had  taken  from  the  one  for- 
merly in  her  possession. 

The  dismay  of  Mr.  Dunn,  upon  reading  this  note, 
may  be  imagined.  It  made  him  BO  desperate  that 
he  resolved  to  go  to  the  house  in  the  evening,  and 
buy  or  steal  all  the  pictures  of  himself  there.  But 
as  he  was  mounting  the  steps,  whom  should  he  en- 
counter but  the  young  man  already  referred  to, 
who,  misconstruing  his  motives,  slapped  him  on  the 
shoulder,  and  saluted  him  thus  : 

"  Good  for  you,  old  boy !     I  thought  so." 

Mr.  Dunn  explained  his  errand,  and  commis- 
sioned the  young  man  to  inform  his  enemy  inside, 
that  she  had  blackmailed  him  once  and  was 
attempting  to  do  it  again ;  that  he  was  not  going 
to  sell  himself  to  the  devil  a  second  time  ;  that  he 
should  never  pay  her  another  cent,  and  that  if  his 
picture  was  not  returned  the  next  day,  he  should 
arrest  her  as  a  swindler. 

Next  morning  Mr.  Dunn  received  his  likeness : 
but  his  nerves  were  unsettled  for  at  least  six 
months. 


CHAPTER   XX. 

Adam,  Apple-Dealer,  keeps  an  Appointment — He  visits  the  Sanc- 
tuary— He  overheaft  an  Important  Conversation — He  gets  ex- 
cited— He  knocks  a  Man  down  and  frightens  two  Ladies,  who 
raise  the  Cry  of  "Murder"— He  sees  a  Novel  Version  of  the 
Affair  in  the  Newspapers. 

ALBERT  ADAM,  a  descendant  of  Adam,  dealt  in 
apples,  which  seemed  very  natural.  Whether  the 
inclination  to  this  kind  of  fruit  was  inherited  or 
not,  it  was  strong  and  profitable,  and  Adam  made 
a  good  thing  of  it. 

The  least  remunerative  movement,  perhaps, 
which  Adam  ever  made,  was  during  the  last  win- 
ter, when  he  went  to  meet  a  matrimonial  adver- 
tiser. He  had  answered  her  manifesto,  which 
appeared  in  the  Sunday  Herald,  and  in  reply 
received  a  letter  inviting  him  to  meet  her  at  the 
basement  door  of  a  certain  church  up  town,  at  nine 
o'clock  in  the  evening.  She  informed  him  that  she 
belonged  to  a  certain  society  which  met  in  the  said 
basement  on  the  evening  designated ;  and  that  the 

204 


ADAM   GOES   TO   CHUECH.  205 

meeting  usually  lasted  until  nine  o'clock.  He  was 
requested  to  place  himself  at  the  door,  as  the  mem- 
bers were  leaving,  wearing  the  right  glove,  and  hold- 
ing the  left  one  in  his  hand,  that  she  might  distin- 
guish him.  "  It  will  not  be  necessary,"  she  added, 
"  for  you  to  come  before  nine ;  but  if  by  any  un- 
usual occurrence  the  society  should  adjourn  before 
you  get  there,  do  not  think  I  will  not  meet  you, , 
but  le  sure  and  wait,  for  in  that  case  I  shall  go 
home  and  return  in  company  with  a  brother,  who 
knows  of  this  correspondence,  and  will  do  any- 
thing to  assist  me.  I  shall  be  there  without  fail, 
and  I  really  hope  you  will  not  disappoint  me." 

Adam  was  inclined  to  go  early,  but  discovered 
too  late  that  his  watch  was  slow,  and  it  was  full 
nine  before  he  reached  the  place.  To  his  disap- 
pointment, the  church  was  dark  and  silent  as  the 
grave. 

The  night  was  cold,  and  poor  Adam  thought  the 
best  thing  he  could  do  was  to  go  home  as  rapidly 
as  he  came.  But  then,  the  young  lady  had  told 
him  she  would  not  fail,  and  begged  him  not  to  dis- 
appoint her ;  and  after  a  long  and  chilling  delibera- 
tion, he  made  up  his  mind  to  wait. 

In  accordance  with  this  heroic  resolve,  he  stood 
at  the  basement  door,  now  whipping  himself  with 


206  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Ins  hands  to  keep  the  blood  in  circulation,  and  now 
rubbing  his  ears  to  prevent  them  freezing,  and  now 
walking  a  block  or  so  (being  always  careful  not  to 
lose  sight  of  the  church),  to  kill  time  and  fight  the 
cold. 

Thus  pleasantly  and  profitably  did  Adam  pass 
the  time  until  near  eleven  o'clock,  and  two  hours 
in  the  cold,  it  is  manifest,  did  not  produced  the 
pleasantest  effects  upon  his  amiable  temper. 

He  was  about  to  go  home,  when  he  observed 
two  ladies  and  a  gentleman  pass  for  the  second  or 
third  time,  laughing  heartily.  It  occurred  to  him 
that  they  might  in  some  way  be  connected  with  the 
mysterious  appointment,  and  after  they  had  got 
quite  by  and  turned  the  corner,  he  sallied  forth 
from  the  door  of  the  sanctuary,  and  going  in  the 
opposite  direction  until  he  saw  them  coming  around 
again,  slipped  out  of  their  sight  while  they  passed 
him,  and  then  fell  in  directly  behind  them,  unob- 
served. 

"  Do  you  suppose  the  fool  is  there  yet  ?"  he  heard 
one  of  them  say. 

"Yes,  I  swear  the  wretch  will  stay  till  mid- 
night," replied  the  gentleman;  whereupon  the 
three  simultaneously  laughed. 

"  It's  too  bad,"  said  lady  No.  2,  « to  keep  the 


CONCERN   FOE  ADAM*S    SOUL.  207 

poor  innocent  there  this  cold  night;  it  will  ruin 
his  constitution." 

"  It  will  do  his  soul  good,"  responded  the  gentle- 
man. "  The  poor  devil  never  would  have  gone  to 
church  but  for  you,  Hat."  Another  explosion  of 
laughter  followed  this  speech. 

"  "What  would  Mr.  ,  our  parson  say,  if  he 

knew  what  we  were  about?"  asked  lad y  No.  1. 

"  He  would  say  you  were  a  good  Gospel  mission- 
ary," answered  the  gentleman.  "He  needs  some 
special  efforts  from  the  laity  to  get  people  to  the 
sanctuary ;  his  sermons  are  opiates." 

It  was  some  relief  to  Adam  to  hear  the  parson 
abused  ;  but  when  the  three  discovered  that  their 
victim  had  left  his  place  of  vigil,  he  heard  the  fol- 
lowing plan  contrived  concerning  him : 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,  my  Christian  friends," 
said  the  male,  "  it  does  a  man  little  good  to  stay 
outside  a  sanctuary,  and  our  friend  Adam  must 
spend  a  night  there.  "Write  a  very  humble  apology 
to-morrow,  Hattie,  and  tell  him  you  were  sick  to- 
night, so  that  it  was  impossible  for  you  to  keep 
your  engagement,  and  get  him  to  come  to  the  next 
prayer-meeting.  Tell  him  to  remain  till  all  the 
rest  are  gone,  and  that  before  the  room  is  closed 
you  will  go  to  him  and  ask  him  to  walk  with  you. 


208  MATEIMONIAL   BEOKEEAGE. 

I  know  the  sexton's  son  like  a  book,  and  will  see 
that  he  takes  charge  of  the  room  that  night.  We'll 
stay  behind  all  the  rest,  and  suddenly  putting  out 
the  lights,  lock  him  in." 

The  usual  explosion  followed  the  announcement 
of  this  pretty  plan,  and  the  young  lady  promised  to 
do  her  part. 

Adam  was  a  peaceable  man,  but  this  scheme, 
added  to  the  ridicule  which  had  been  heaped  upon 
him,  exasperated  him  too  far.  He  grated  his  teeth 
with  anger,  and  followed  the  three  persons  several 
blocks,  until  he  thought  himself  unobserved,  when, 
being  a  man  of  considerable  muscle,  he  suddenly 
knocked  down  the  gentleman  (a  small  man),  and 
seizing  him  by  the  hair,  dealt  him  a  number  of 
sound  raps  in  the  face,  which  could  not  have  failed 
to  disfigure  his  physiognomy  for  several  days. 

"  Murder !"  screamed  the  ladies,  and  ran  off  at 
the  height  of  their  speed. 

"  Take  my  money,  but  for  God's  sake  spare  my 
life !"  begged  the  prostrate  gentleman. 

"  I  don't  want  your  money,  you  infernal  scoun- 
drel," said  Adam,  at  the  same  time  kicking  him  in 
the  ribs.  "  Lock  me  up  in  the  church  after  the 
next  prayer-meeting,  won't  you  ?" 

Adam  made  very  quick  work ;  for  he  knew  the 


A   PARTING   SALUTE.  209 

police  would  hear  the  outcry,  and  giving  the  pros- 
trate gentleman  a  parting  salute  with  the  toe  of  his 
Loot,  he  took  to  his  heels,  and  had  the  good  fortune 
to  escape.  The  next  day  it  was  reported  in  the  papers 

that  "  Mr.  ,  a  highly  respectable  young  man, 

while  accompanying  two  ladies  from  a  party,  was 

set  upon  in street,  by  a  gang  of  desperadoes, 

knocked  down,  and  would  undoubtedly  have  been 
robbed,  had  not  the  prompt  approach  of  the  offi- 
cers frightened  off  the  robbers,  who  unfortunately 
effected  their  escape." 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

Mr.  Gillette's  Courtship  of  $50,000,  and  where  it  led  him— A 
Sentimental  Widow  quotes  Ingomar — An  Exciting  Chase  and  a 
more  Exciting  Meeting. 

TVrraiN  the  last  twelvemonth,  a  man  named  Gil- 
lette, who  hailed  from  the  country  and  was  stopping 
temporarily  in  this  city,  had  a  circular  slipped  into 
his  hand  by  an  unknown  person,  as  he  was  sitting 
in  the  bar-room  of  his  hotel.  This  circular  repre- 
sented that  the  advertiser  kept  "  constantly  on 
hand  the  names  of  a  number  of  beautiful  ladies  of 
different  ages  and  circumstances  to  suit  customers," 
who  were  in  the  field  as  matrimonial  candidates.  It 
further  pointed  out  the  advantages  of  matrimonial 
brokerage,  especially  to  strangers  and  gentlemen  of 
limited  acquaintance.  Customers  were  also  assured 
that  all  business  was  strictly  confidential. 

Mr.  Gillette  was  a  widower  in  easy  circum 
stances,  and  readily  fell  in  with  the  idea.  The 
same  afternoon  he  went  to  the  place  indicated  by 
the  circular,  and  when  questioned  by  the  landlady 

210 


A   WEIGHTY   SECRET.  211 

regarding  liis  name,  place  of  residence  and  circum- 
stances, he  answered  quite  too  frankly,  not  being 
familiar  with  the  arts  and  practices  of  matrimonial 
brokerage  in  the  metropolis. 

"  There  is  a  lady  comes  here,"  the  agent  said 
to  him,  "  who  will  suit  you,  I  think.  She  is  hand- 
some and  young — she  is  a  widow,  but  has  no 
children.  And  seeing  it's  you,  I  will  tell  you  a 
secret.  She  does  not  want  it  known,  I  am  sure,  for 
she  told  me  not  to  tell  of  it ;  but  I  don't  think  it 
will  do  any  hurt  to  tell  you,  and  you  mustn't  let  her 
know  I  told  of  it,  will  you  ?" 

"  No." 

"  "Well,  between  you  and  me,  she  is  rich — she  is 
worth  fifty  thousand  dollars  in  her  own  right,  and 
the  money  is  all  at  her  disposal.  She  lives  with  her 
father,  in  Eleventh  street,  and  he  don't  want  her  to 
get  married,  because  while  she  lives  with  him  he 
has  the  managing  of  her  money,  I  suppose ;  and 
he  don't  know  that  she's  any  idea  of  getting 
married." 

"  Do  many  rich  ladies  come  here  ?1J  inquired  Mr. 
Gillette. 

"  Yes- — that  is,  not  a  great  many.  Now  and 
then  an  heiress  or  a  rich  widow ;  but  of  course  they 
are  always  very  particular,  and  I  never  introduce 


212  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

them  except  to  such  as  I  am  a  good  deal  pleased 
with." 

Mr.  Gillette  felt  flattered  not  a  little  by  this 
timely  compliment. 

"  Do  you  think  I  would  please  the  young 
widow  ?"  he  asked. 

"  Oh,  yes ;  I  have  no  doubt  of  it.  I  am  sure  you 
will  suit  her,  and  that  she  will  suit  you.  But  you 
see  it's  only  now  and  then  I  am  willing  to  give  a 
man  such  a  chance,  and  I  go  on  the  principle  that 
a  thing  that's  worth  having  is  worth  paying  for.  I 
think  a  man  can  afford  to  give  more  to  be  intro- 
duced to  such  a  woman  than  to  a  common  one ; 
$50,000  don't  come  every  day." 

"  "What  will  you  charge  to  introduce  me  ?" 

"  I  want  double  price — $10 — to  introduce  you  to 
this  one." 

"  ]STo  risk,  no  game,"  was  the  philosophical 
remark  of  Mr.  Gillette,  as  he  paid  the  money,  and 
promised  to  call  the  next  day.  He  then  returned 
to  his  hotel  and  reflected  upon  the  important  addi- 
tion to  his  estate,  which  he  almost  regarded  a  fixed 
fact ;  for,  if  the  truth'  must  be  spoken,  Mr.  Gillette 
was  a  sinner  whose  affections  were  perversely  set 
on  the  things  of  this  world. 

The  next  day  he  was  at  the  matrimonial  office  in 


UP   TO  TIME.  213 

good  time.  The  widow  was  scarcely  less  prompt ; 
and  as  the  clock  on  the  mantel  struck  three  (the 
appointed  hour),  the  door  opened  and  the  landlady 
entered,  followed  by  a  tall,  well  dressed  female, 
whom  Mr.  Gillette  immediately  pronounced  hand- 
some. There  was  an  ease  and  grace  of  manner  and 
conversation  about  her  w^hich  made  a  very  favor- 
able impression.  "  Fifty  thousand,  with  so  charm- 
ing a  young  widow,  is  enough.  I'll  marry  her  !" 
was  the  inaudible  exclamation  of  Mr.  Gillette 
before  she  had  been  in  the  room  five  minutes.  "  It 
is  fortunate,"  he  further  soliloquized,  "  that  I  meet 
her  here,  where  matrimony  is  the  order  of  busi- 
ness ;  it  takes  away  half  the  embarrassment  of  pro- 
posing. I'll  come  right  to  the  point." 

"  I  want  to  get  married,  Mrs.  T ,"  he  began. 

:cl  have  been  a  widower,  several  years,  and  never 
have  found  a  person  whom  I  fancied  enough  to 
marry.  For  that  reason  I  came  to  this  office,  and 
— and  I  am  glad  I  came." 

Acknowledging  the  indirect  compliment  with  a 
slight  inclination  of  the  head,  the  widow  replied : 

"  People  marry  from  different  motives ;  but  I 
think  there  is  but  one  true  one.  If  persons  marry 
for  convenience,  I  should  think  they  would  be  tired 
of  it  if  it  became  inconvenient.  If  I  should  marry 


>214:  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

a  man  because  he  has  got  a  good  house,  it  might 
burn  down  without  being  insured,  do  ye  see  ?  If 
I  married  him  because  he  was  handsome,  he  might 
stub  his  toe  and  strike  his  pretty  face  on  the  nag- 
ging, and  spoil  himself  entirely;  and  then  he 
would  be  a  bore.  But  if  persons  marry  for  love, 
love  is  lasting." 

"  I  agree  with  you  perfectly.  I  am  delighted 
with  the  view  you  take  of  the  subject,"  said  Mr. 
Gillette,  but  thinking  desperately,  it  must  be  con- 
fessed, of  the  $50,000. 

"  It  may  appear  strange  to  you  that  I  ever  came 
to  this  place.  You  will  not  misconstrue  my 
motives  when  I  say  I  have  had  many  opportunities 
to  marry,  which  the  world  call  good.  But  they 
weigh  advantages  by  a  scale  different  from  mine. 
They  look  for  show,  and  I  for  substance.  They 
want  rich  houses,  dress  and  furniture,  and  I  want  a 
home — real  enjoyment,  that  outside  matters  of 
money,  fashion,  and  such,  can't  spoil.  I  believe  in 
marriage  for  love,  and  as  I  have  not  met  any  one 
since  my  husband's  death  that  I  could  love,  I  have 
not  married." 

Mrs.  T ,  with  a  vast  deal  of  similar  talk, 

labored  to  convince  Mr.  Gillette  that  her  motives 
for  going  to  the  matrimonial  office  were  as  spotless 


INGOMAR  AND  LOVE.  215 

as  a  bran-new  shirt  collar ;  all  of  which  was  unne- 
cessary; for  Mr.  Gillette  had  acknowledged  to 
himself  that  fifty  thousand  would  sanctify  many 
irregularities. 

"Do  you  love  poetry?"  she  asked  him,  with  a 
lively  glow  of  enthusiasm. 

"  Oh,  yes,  very  much,"  replied  Gillette,  although 
in  truth  he  could  not  repeat  ten  stanzas  to  save  his 
head,  unless  he  quoted  from  Christy's  Negro  Min- 
strelsy. 

"  I  am  very  fond  of  poetry,"  continued  the 
widow — "  very  fond  of  it.  Of  course  you  have 
seen  Ingomar  the  Barbarian  ?" 

"  I  believe  I  have  seen  him,"  replied  Gillette,  asso- 
ciating the  gentleman  in  question  with  the  Indians 
he  had  just  before  seen  at  the  Astor  House. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  widow,  "Ingomar  is  a  play. 
There  is  a  beautiful  description  of  love : 

"  '  What  love  is,  if  thou'dst  be  taught, 

Thy  heart  must  teach  alone — 
Two  souls  with  but  a  single  thought, 
Two  hearts  that  beat  as  one. 

"  '  And  whence  comes  love  ?    Like  morning's  light, 

It  comes  without  thy  call ; 
And  how  dies  love  ?    A  spirit  bright, 
Love  never  dies  at  all !' " 


216  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

"  Beautiful !"  exclaimed  Gillette ;  "  beautiful  and 
true." 

"  There  is  another,"  resumed  the  widow,  "  which 
I  like  still  better : 

"  :  It  is  a  flame  a  single  look  will  kindle, 
But  not  an  ocean  quench. 
Fostered  by  dreams,  excited  by  each  thought, 
Love  is  a  star  from  heaven,  that  points  the  way 
And  leads  us  to  his  home — a  little  spot 
In  earth's  dry  desert,  where  the  soul  may  rest — 
A  grain  of  gold  dust  in  the  sand  of  life — 
A  foretaste  of  Elysium ;  but  when, 
Weary  of  this  world's  woes,  the  immortal  gods 
Flew  to  the  skies,  with  all  their  richest  gifts, 
Love  stayed  behind,  self-exiled,  for  man's  sake.'  " 

"She's  sentimental,"  thought  Mr.  Gillette;  and 
although  that  worthy  gentleman  was  as  far  from 
home  in  the  field  of  sentimentality  as  ever  Sancho 
Panza  in  the  field  of  chivalry,  he  resolved,  for  the 
sake  of  $50,000,  to  make  a  desperate  effort  to  be 
sentimental,  and  forthwith  broke  out  into  various 
awkward  and  rapturous  exclamations  in  approba- 
tion of  the  poetry,  with  which  the  widow  seemed 
greatly  delighted. 

The  widow  quoted  any  number  of  love  ditties 
and  sentimental  passages,  to  all  of  which  Mr.  Gil- 


THE   LANDLADY    ANXIOUS.  217 

lette  listened  with  great  apparent  pleasure,  and 
made  as  many  abortive  attempts  to  say  equally 
pretty  things;  and  the  widow  seemed  so  much 
delighted  that  he  actually  thought  he  had  suc- 
ceeded. The  interview  was  prolonged  until  near 
dark,  when  the  widow,  expressing  great  surprise 
that  it  was  so  late,  arose  to  depart.  Mr.  Gil- 
lette requested  the  privilege  of  calling  upon  her 
at  home. 

''Not  yet,"  replied  the  widow.  "I  should  be 
happy  to  have  you  do  so,  but — the  truth  is,  I  do 
not  at  present  wish  my  father  to  know  that  I 
receive  the  visits  of  gentlemen.  There  are  rea- 
sons, which  I  prefer  not  to  state  now,  but  which 
are  entirely  satisfactory.  If  you  wish  to  see  me 
again,  I  will  meet  you  here  at  any  time  you  will 
name." 

"  To-morrow,"  suggested  Gillette. 

"  Yery  well,"  said  the  widow,  and  laying  her  soft 
hand  lightly  in  Mr.  Gillette's,  bade  that  thoroughly 
smitten  gentleman  good  night. 

As  soon  as  she  left  the  house  the  landlady  came 
in,  and  asked  very  anxiously — 

"  Did  you  tell  her  ?" 

"Tell  her  what?" 

"  That  I  told  you  she  was  rich?" 
10 


218 


MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEEAGE. 


"  NO." 

"  I  am  glad.  She  would  never  forgive  me.  She 
wants  to  be  loved  for  her  own  sake,  she  says — 
not  for  her  money." 

"  She  deserves  it,  hang  me  if  she  don't,"  inter- 
posed Mr.  Gillette,  quite  dropping  the  sentimental 
style. 

"You  like  her,  then?" 

"  Yes,  desperately." 

"  Good  !  we'll  have  a  match." 

"  Why,  does  she  like  me  ?" 

"Like  you!  Yes;  she  is  in  love  with  you  al- 
ready." 

"  No !"  said  the  excited  Gillette,  fairly  springing 
from  his  chair  with  rapture.  "  Did  she  tell  you  so  ?" 

"  Not  in  so  many  words,"  replied  the  broker ; 
"  but  she  might  as  well  have  said  it.  She  said  she 
was  greatly  pleased  with  you,  and  I  could  tell  by 
her  actions  that  she  was  dead  in  love.  But  the 
matter  has  got  to  be  managed  cautiously.  As  I 
told  you  yesterday,  as  long  as  she  lives  at  home  her 
father  has  the  handling  of  her  money,  and  he's  a 
sour  old  fellow,  and  is  very  much  opposed  to  her 
marrying,  and  would  make  a  great  fuss  if  he  knew 
she  intended  to.  It  makes  him  mad  for  a  week  if 
a  gentleman  calls  upon  her,  and  she  has  to  be  very 


GILLETTE    AT   HIS    STUDIES.  219 

careful  and  avoid  society  on  that  account.  Eut  if 
you  once  marry  her,  he  can't  help  himself,  and  will 
get  over  this  fit,  and  it'll  be  all  right.  But  if  you 
should  go  there  two  or  three  times,  he  would  be 
sure  to  forbid  you  the  house.  I  don't  see  but  one 
way  of  your  doing  it,  and  that  is  to  meet  here." 

"  Well,"  replied  Mr.  Gillette,  "it  will  be  just  as 
well.  I  shall  propose  to  her  at  the  next  meeting,  or 
the  one  after,  and  I  hope  to  be  married  in  a  little 
while." 

"  You  can  meet  here  as  well  as  not,  Mr.  Gillette. 
You  see  I  have  a  decent  parlor  where  you  will  not 
be  disturbed ;  but  of  course,  you  know,  1  have  to 
pay  a  good  rent  for  it,  and  you  will,  of  course,  be 
willing  to  do  what  is  right." 

"  Of  course,"  said  Mr.  Gillette,  at  the  same  time 
handing  her  five  dollars.  He  believed  the  fifty 
thousand,  to  some  extent,  depended  upon  the  good 
will  of  the  matrimonial  broker. 

Having  arranged  everything  to  his  satisfaction, 
he  went  to  his  lodgings,  full  of  golden  visions,  and 
taking  a  volume  of  Selections  from  the  reading- 
room,  labored  until  midnight  in  committing  to 
memory  snatches  of  songs  and  sentimental  tit-bits, 
to  fire  at  the  widow  next  day. 

The  meeting  next  day  was  highly  satisfactory,  and 


220  MATRIMONIAL   BEOKEEAGE. 

another  interview  was  appointed  for  the  day  suc- 
ceeding, in  which  Mr.  Gillette  proposed  and  was 
accepted. 

"  Now,"  said  the  widow,  "  do  you  believe  me 
poor  or  rich  ?" 

"  I  have  made  no  inquiries  concerning  your  cir- 
cumstances," was  the  equivocal  reply  of  the  suitor. 
"  I  do  not  want  to  marry  you  for  money — it  is  for 
yourself." 

"  The  very  reason  I  can  love  you,"  replied  the 
widow.  "  You  have  acted  nobly.  You  have  pro- 
posed without  knowing  anything  of  my  circum- 
stances— without  even  asking  to  see  my  friends. 
And  since  it  is  so,  I  will  tell  you  now  that  I  am 
worth  considerable  property." 

«  Indeed !"  said  Mr.  Gillette. 

"  Yes.  I  suppose  I  have  fifty  thousand,  or  there- 
abouts. And  now  I  will  explain  why  I  do  not  want 
you  to  call  on  me  at  home.  My  father  wants  the 
management  of  my  money,  and  is  very  much  irri- 
tated if  a  gentleman  pays  me  any  attention.  I 
prefer,  on  this  account,  to  be  married  without  his 
knowledge,  to  leave  the  city,  arid  inform  him  by 
letter.  He  will  be  angry  for  a  little  while,  but  will 
soon  get  over  it." 

"  It  will  be  very  easy  to  arrange  matters  in  that 


THE  BARGAIN    CLOSED.  221 

way,"  replied  Gillette.  "  We  can  be  married  here, 
at  the  office,  and  leave  town.  When  shall  we  go  ?" 

"  Whenever  you  wish." 

"  It  shall  be  a  week  from  to-day." 

"  If  you  wish  it." 

This  decisive  arrangement  having  been  made, 
and  the  widow  having  gone  home,  the  landlady 
again  took  the  liberty  of  calling  Mr.  Gillette's 
attention  to  the  matter  of  house  rent,  and  he  gener- 
ously gave  her  ten  dollars. 

As  Mr.  Gillette  walked  home  that  night,  it 
occurred  to  him,  as  it  Jias  to  the  reader  long  since, 
that  he  had  been  rather  hasty,  and  taken  things 
too  much  upon  trust.  But  the  truth  is,  Mr.  Gil- 
lette was  so  captivated  by  the  widow's  fortune  and 
pretty  face,  that  the  possibility  of  fraud  had  not 
before  occurred  to  him.  He  thought  of  what  she 
had  said :  "  You  have  proposed  without  knowing 
anything  of  my  circumstances — without  even  ask- 
ing to  see  my  friends." 

"  True  as  preaching,"  soliloquized  Mr.  Gillette. 
"  I  took  the  old  woman's  word  for  it.  Suppose  it's  a 
humbug  ?  Suppose  she  isn't  respectable  ?  I've  paid 
that  old  woman  ten — five — ten— that's  twenty-five 
dollars.  I  must  see  if  there's  a  nigger  in  the  fence." 

And  Mr.  Gillette  met  the  widow  next  day,  fully 


222  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

determined  to  satisfy  himself.  It  was  quite  dark 
when  she  proposed  to  go,  and  he  asked  to  accom- 
pany her. 

"  I  thought,  my  dear,"  she  said,  with  some  sur- 
prise, "that  I  had  sufficiently  explained  my  rea- 
sons for  not  wishing  you  to  visit  at  my  father's 
house." 

"  You  have,  my  dear,  and  I  am  perfectly  satis- 
fied. I  only  proposed  to  go  to  the  door." 

"  To-morrow  night  I  shall  be  happy  to  have  you 
do  so — but — but  to-night  I  have  a  servant  girl  with 
me  who  will  accompany  me  home,  and  you  will 
please  excuse  me,"  said  the  widow,  betraying,  in 
spite  of  herself,  some  embarrassment,  wrhich  the 
suspicious  eyes  of  her  lover  did  not  fail  to  detect. 
He  appeared  entirely  satisfied,  however,  and  left 
the  house. 

On  his  way  there  he  had  selected  a  good  hiding- 
place,  from  which  he  could  see  the  door  of  the 
matrimonial  office,  without  being  observed ;  and 
going  directly  thither,  he  concealed  himself. 

In  a  few  minutes  he  saw  the  widow  emerge  to 
the  street  alone.  She  looked  about  a  moment,  then 
walked  off  hurriedly,  and  passed  directly  by  the 
hiding-place  of  her  suspicious  lover. 

When  she  had  fairly  passed,  he  came  out  cau- 


GILLETTE    IN    A    STRANGE   PLACE.  223 

tiously,  and  followed  at  a  safe  distance.  On  she 
went  to  Broadway,  crossed  it  rapidly,  reached 
Greene  street,  turned  the  corner,  walked  down  an 
indefinite  distance,  and  stopped.  Gillette  noted 
the  number  very  particularly.  "  I'll  see  about  this 
crusty  old  father,  and  this  servant  girl  that  was  to 
come  with  her  and  didn't,"  said  he  to  himself 
savagely,  as  he  turned  away. 

As  he  went  down  the  steps,  he  observed  a  police- 
man watching  him,  motionless  as  the  lamp-post  by 
which  he  stood. 

Mr.  Gillette  and  the  policeman  were  soon  walk- 
ing together  in  close  conference. 

In  a  few  minutes,  with  desperate  valor,  which 
astonished  even  its  possessor,  Mr.  Gillette  rung  the 
bell  of  the  very  door  which  his  betrothed  had 
recently  entered.  A  servant  answered  the  sum- 
mons. 

"Is  Miss in?" 

"Yes." 

"Is  she  engaged?" 

"  I  will  see." 

"Tell  her  a  friend  wishes  to  see  her." 

The  servant  returned  in  a  moment.  "It  is  alt 
right.  "Walk  up,  sir." 

"  Ah,  I  see,"  thought  Gillette,  "  she  is  expecting 


224  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

some  one.  I  see  why  she  didn't  want  me  to  come 
to-niglit.  I  suppose  that  she  would  have  taken  me 
to  some  more  respectable  quarter  to-morrow." 

The  servant  pointed  Mr.  Gillette  to  a  dooi 
partly  open  on  the  second  floor,  and  withdrew. 
Mr.  Gillette  pushed  open  the  door  and  walked  in. 
The  charming  widow  of  the  fifty  thousand  was  on 
the  sofa.  As  Mr.  Gillette  entered  she  looked  up, 
and  recognizing  him,  uttered  a  scream  of  anger  and 
surprise. 

"  Why  are  you  here  ?" 

"  I  came  to  see  you ;  we  are  engaged ;  you  are 
glad  to  meet  me,  I  hope  ?" 

The  widow  was  silent. 

"  I  called,"  resumed  Gillette,  after  a  momentary 
pause,  "  to  say  that  it  will  not  be  convenient  to  elope 
with  you  next  Tuesday,  and  that  your  crusty  old 
father  can  manage  your  fifty  thousand  dollars  as 
long  as  he  pleases;  also,  that  your  servant  had 
better  accompany  you  again  to-morrow,  as  it  will 
be  impossible  for  me  to  wait  upon  you  home.  1 
would  also  suggest  that  a  woman  who  is  found 
in  an  assignation  house  cannot  collect  damages  for 
breach  of  promise  of  marriage ;  and  also  that  the 
testimony  of  a  policeman,  who  has  often  seen  you 
come  here,  will  be  sufficient  to  damage  your  repu- 


THE   WIDOW'S   RETORT.  225 

tation,  if  you  try  that  game,  as  I  believe  you  mean 
to." 

The  widow,  abashed  for  a  moment,  was  greatly 
irritated  by  this  speech — the  longest,  perhaps,  that 
Mr.  Gillette  ever  made  in  his  life. 

"  You  are  a  rascal  and  a  fool,  sir,"  she  said. 
"  You  are  a  pretty  man,  aint  you,  now,  to  follow  a 
woman  through  the  streets,  and  come  into  her  room 
in  this  way  ?  You  think  you  have  been  smart,  I 
suppose ;  but  look  you  here !"  And  the  angry 
beauty  beld  up  a  five  dollar  gold  piece — the  half 
of  his  last  payment  to  the  matrimonial  broker. 
You  are  a  smart  man  indeed,  you  are !  Fifty 
thousand  dollars  !  Rich  widow  !  Don't  tell  her 
I  told  you  !  ha  !  ha  !  Ha/writ  you  been  fooled  2" 

Mr.  Gillette,  thus  reminded  of  his  short-sighted- 
ness, began  to  think  he  was  getting  the  worst  of 
the  logomachy,  and  started  out. 

"  Oh,  my  dear  Mr.  Gillette  ! — my  espoused  I  my 
life  !  my  sweet  poet ! — don't  leave  me  in  anger !" 
said  the  widow,  in  mockery,  opening  her  arms 
towards  hiin.  "  I  say !  do  you  think  you  have 
seen  Ingomar  the  Barbarian  ?  How  did  he  look  ? 
Tell  me,  my  dear, 

"  *  If  what  love  is  thou'dst  be  taught, 

Thy  heart  must  teach  alone 1 " 

10* 


226  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

But  before  the  verse  was  complete,  Mr.  Gillette  was 
in  the  street.  Justice  to  that  gentleman  requires 
us  to  say  that  it  was  his  first  visit  to  such  a  place. 
May  it  be  his  last ! 


CHAPTER   XXII. 

Entitled  "The  Wandering  Jew"— An  Adventure  in  Twelfth  street 
— The  Hero  mounts  to  the  Fourth  Floor,  and  finds  a  Girl  with 
exceeding  Red  Hair — A  Boy  with  a  Natural  Instinct  of  Justice. 

MK.  FELIX  JEW,  who  is  not  a  Jew,  advertised  in 
one  of  the  papers  that,  having  plenty  of  money,  he 
wanted  a  wife,  and  invited  any  respectable,  intelli- 
gent and  good-looking  young  lady,  not  over  twenty- 
three  years  old,  to  correspond  with  him  through  the 
Union  Square  post-office. 

Two  days  after  the  publication  of  his  advertise- 
ment he  was  quite  surprised  to  find  no  less  than 
thirteen  letters  awaiting  him.  He  hastened  to  his 
apartments,  and  proceeded  to  open  and  read  them. 
Some  were  written  in  a  neat,  legible  hand,  on  fault- 
less paper ;  others  were  penned  in  wanton  defiance 
of  orthography  and  syntax. 

The  night  was  devoted  to  answering  such  of  these 
epistles  as  required  answering ;  fixing  times  and 
places  for  interviews ;  and  Mr.  Jew  arose  from  his 
task  with  the  conviction  that  he  had  a  good  fort- 


228  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

night's  work  on  hand  to  attend  all  the  meetings  his 
letters  promised. 

Some  of  the  letters  which  he  received,  however, 
did  not  require  answering.  For  instance,  Jessie 
Waters  wrote  that  she  flattered  herself  she  an- 
swered the  description  of  the  advertisement  in 
all  particulars,  and  begged  that  he  would  address 
or  call  upon  her  at  —  Twelfth  street,  fourth  floor. 

The  next  afternoon,  Felix  resolved  to  make  his 
first  adventure,  and  call  upon  the  fair  Jessie ;  and, 
notwithstanding  a  rain-storm  set  in,  he  would  not 
abandon  his  project.  He  went  to  the  place  indi- 
cated, and  found  it  in  rather  a  hard  neighborhood. 
It  was  a  tenement  house ;  and  from,  the  number  of 
juvenile  delinquents  playing  around  the  door, 
he  concluded  it  was  fully  occupied.  As  he  ap- 
proached, he  heard  a  small  boy  call  out  to  a  still 
smaller  one,  "  Now,  Sam  Waters,  you  stop  sweerin\ 
or  I'll  slap  your  chops." 

"A  brother,  I  presume,"  soliloquized  Jew. 
"  Hope  the  sister  is  not  so  ragged ;  but  it  shows 
that  somebody  named  Waters  lives  here ;  so  I  guess 
I  am  not  humbugged." 

As  Jew  entered  the  large  hall,  the  door  of  which 
stood  open,  a  flock  of  juveniles  of  nearly  all 
nations,  in  which  the  Celtic  race  considerably  pre- 


FAT  WOMAN  AND  KED  WOMAN.        229 

dominated,  rushed  wildly  about  him,  with  amazed 
and  inquisitive  looks.  Addressing  the  boy  whom 
he  had  heard  called  Sam,  he  asked  that  hopeful 
representative  of  the  "Waters  family  if  Jessie 
Waters  lived  up -stairs. 

"Dad  and  mam  live  thar;  d'ye  want  'em?"  was 
the  reply.  "I'll  go ;"  and  the  juvenile  representa- 
tive rushed  ahead  and  led  the  way  to  the  fourth 
floor,  opened  a  door  and  called  out,  in  advance  of 
Jew: 

"  I  say,  mam,  here's  a  man  as  wants  to  see  you." 

"  Go  down  stairs,  you  little  rascal,  or  I'll  prick 
your  ears  with  my  needle,"  said  the  loving  mother, 
who  had  a  piece  of  work  in  her  hands.  Mr.  Jew 
walked  in,  without  waiting  for  an  invitation,  and 
casting  a  glance  around  the  room,  saw  a  young 
woman  about  as  large  as  the  late  fat  woman  at 
Barnum's,  by  one  window,  sewing ;  at  another  sat  a 
female,  younger  by  several  years,  and  smaller  by 
several  hundred  pounds,  also  sewing.  Her  face 
and  hair  were  as  red  as  the  cow  in  the  Koran,  of 
which  it  is  declared :  "  She  is  a  red  cow,  intensely 
red ;  her  color  rejoiceth  the  beholders." 

"  Do  you  want  to  see  me  ?"  asked  the  mother  of 
the  boy,  whose  sudden  exit  by  way  of  the  stairs 
had  been  accelerated  by  the  sharp  application  of  a 


230  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKERAGE. 

switch  to  that  portion  of  his  body  protected  by  his 
coat-skirt,  before  the  skirt  was  torn  off. 

"  I  called  to  see  Jessie  "Waters,"  replied  Jew. 

"  Jesse  Waters  ?  I  don't  know  such.  I've  got  a 
boy  Samuel,  and  Henry  "Waters  has  got  a  boy 
named  Isaac ;  but  I  don't  know  no  Jesse." 

"  It's  a  young  lady  I  expected  to  see,"  replied 
Jew. 

"  Jesse's  a  boy's  name,"  said  the  woman,  break- 
ing out  in  a  hoarse  laugh ;  "  isn't  it,  Miss  "White  ?" 

"  Yes,"  answered  the  huge  maiden  at  the  window. 

"  I  hasn't  only  one  girl,  and  her  name's  Susan," 
said  Mrs.  "Waters. 

"  I  suppose,  then,  I  got  into  the  wrong  number," 
said  Jew,  desirous  of  retreating.  "  I  am  sorry  to 
have  disturbed  you,  and  am  obliged  for  your  atten- 
tion." 

As  he  went  out,  the  girl  with  the  red  hair  fol- 
lowed him.  The  color  of  her  face  would  probably 
have  been  considerably  intensified  with  blushes, 
had  its  original  hue  admitted  of  intensification. 
She  followed  him  to  the  third  floor,  and  said : 

"  Maj  be  I'm  the  person  you  were  looking  for. 
Arn't  your  name  Mr.  Jew?" 

Mr.  Jew  at  once  saw  the  state  of  the  case,  and 
not  wishing  to  manifest  his  indifference,  replied : 


THE   INSTINCT  OF  JUSTICE.  231 

"  That  is  not  my  name." 

"  Oh !  I  thought  it  was,"  rejoined  Susan.  "  I've 
got  a  friend  by  the  name  of  Jew  I  expected  to-day, 
and  I  thought  you  was  the  man.  It's  been  so  long 
since  I've  seen  him,  I  have  almost  forgot  how  he 
looks." 

"  You  are  mistaken  in  the  person,"  replied  Jew. 
"  I  hope  your  friend  will  not  disappoint  you,  and  I 
wish  you  good  day." 

As  Mr.  Jew  passed  through  the  troop  of  juve- 
niles, who  eyed  him  with  more  curiosity  than  ever, 
the  hopeful  Samuel  informed  him  that  "his  mam 
licked  him  every  time  he  went  up-stairs,  and  he 
should  be  glad  when  his  dad  got  home,  for  he 
would  lick  her,  and  that  would  make  it  even." 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

The  Second  Adventure  of  Mr.  Jew— He  goes  to  meet  Anna 
Barton — He  encounters  an  aggrieved  Husband — A  Battle  and 
numerous  Black  Eyes — Pursuit  by  Metropolitan  Police  Officers — 
Free  Lodgings  in  the  Station-House. 

FELIX  smiled  at  Sam's  idea  of  justice,  and  winning 
the  eternal  gratitude  of  that  precocious  youth  with  a 
ten-cent  piece,  told  him  to  be  a  good  boy,  and  went 
directly  to  his  lodgings. 

The  adventure  with  the  red-haired  damsel  had 
given  him  an  excellent  appetite,  and  after  showing 
his  good  will  towards  a  satisfactory  dinner,  he  set 
out  in  answer  to  the  next  letter  requiring  his  atten- 
tion, which  had  requested  him  to  call  upon  Anna 
Barton,  at  a  certain  number  of  a  certain  street. 

"When  he  arrived  at  the  street  designated,  he  was 
disappointed  to  find,  instead  of  palatial  residences, 
as  he  had  devoutly  hoped,  a  long  line  of  butchers' 
shops,  stables,  coal-yards  and  one  horse  stores,  with 
suspicious-looking  residences  above.  He  thought, 
however,  that  it  might  improve  before  he  reached 
Anna's  locality  ;  but  in  this  he  was  disappointed, 

232 


AN   UNWELCOME   VISITOR.  233 

for  when  lie  came  to  the  identical  number  he 
sought,  he  found  a  butcher's  shop,  in  which  a  huge 
Dutchman,  with  a  ponderous  broad-axe,  was  dis- 
severing the  limbs  of  a  defunct  ox. 

"  Humbug  1"  involuntarily  arose  to  the  lips  of 
Felix ;  but  thinking  there  might  be  a  mistake,  he 
inquired  if  there  was  another  number  51  in  the 
street;  and  being  answered  in  the  negative,  he 
ventured  to  ask  if  the  wielder  of  the  broad-axe 
knew  such  a  person  as  Anna  Barton,  to  which 
question  he  also  received  a  decided  negative. 

Plunged  in  profound  reflection,  Mr.  Jew  walked 
on  towards  his  lodgings,  until  he  came  to  a  spot 
inhabited  chiefly  by  that  useful  class  of  our  citizens 
known  as  river  thieves,  when  he  was  suddenly 
stopped  in  his  career  by  a  man  with  the  neck  of  a 
bull  and  a  fist  like  the  end  of  a  South  Sea  Islander's 
war  club,  who  informed  him,  unceremoniously? 
that  he  was  a  d — d  rascal,  and  that  they  would 
settle  their  difficulties  on  the  spot.  He  further 
remarked,  for  his  edification,  that  if  he  called  for 
the  police  until  the  day  of  judgment,  it  would  do 
him  no  good,  as  they  didn't  have  policemen  in  that 
neighborhood;  yet,  nevertheless,  he  mustn't  call 
"  police,"  and  if  he  did  he  would  knock  his  brains 


234:  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Felix  trembled.  "Who 'are  you,  and  what  do 
yon  want  ?"  he  demanded. 

"  I  am  James  Barton,  the  husband  of  Anna 
Barton,  that  you've  been  trying  to  get  to  elope 
with  you,"  was  the  astounding  answer  of  him  of 
the  bull-neck  ;  "  and  we'll  settle  that  little  business 
on  the  start." 

Felix  attempted  to  explain,  and  offered  to 
show  the  letter  he  received  from  the  treach- 
erous Anna,  but  the  injured  husband  threatened 
to  stop  his  mouth  with  his  fist,  if  he  didn't  "  dry 
up." 

"  Since  you  won't  hear  to  reason,"  said  Felix, 
"  what  do  you  want  ?" 

"  I  want  damages.  Give  me  fifty  dollars  and  I'll 
say  no  more  about  it." 

"I  haven't  got  that  amount." 

"  You  lie,  and  if  you  don't  pay  me  fifty  dollars 
I'll  take  all  you've  got,  and  dog  you  until  you'll  be 
glad  to  get  rid  of  me  for  ten  times  fifty." 

Simultaneously  with  this  threat,  the  aggrieved 
husband  seized  Felix  by  the  collar  and  told  him  to 
"  fork  over." 

"  You're  a  thief  and  a  robber,"  said  Felix,  whose 
"  grit "  had  awakened.  "  I  remember,  now,  I  saw 
you  watching  around  the  butcher's  shop  when  I 


A   FIGHT   WITH   A   HUSBAND.  235 

was  there.  I'll  see  you  in  purgatory  before  I'll  pay 
you  a  red  cent." 

No  sooner  Had  the  unfortunate  Felix  uttered 
these  menacing  words,  than  his  feet  slipped  from 
under  him  and  he  was  levelled  by  a  blow  from  the 
avenging  fist  of  the  mighty  James.  But  he  rallied 
to  the  charge,  and  being  a  man  of  some  muscle  and 
knowledge  of  the  manly  art,  gave  him  of  the  bull 
neck  a  rap  full  on  the  nose,  following  it  in  good 
style  with  one  in  the  eye,  at  the  same  time  calling 
"Police!"  at  the  top  of  his  voice.  His  gigantic 
antagonist  was  completely  taken  by  surprise  with 
this  notable  demonstration,  and  it  was  several 
seconds  before  he  gathered  sufficient  self-possession 
to  give  Felix  a  black  eye,  with  a  blow  which  sent 
him  reeling  to  the  earth.  "  Murder  !"  cried  Felix  ; 
and  the  sound  of  rapidly-approaching  feet  con- 
vinced both  that  the  stars  and  clubs  were  coming 
to  the  rescue. 

The  injured  husband,  with  an  oath  which  made 
Felix's  hair  stand  on  end,  took  to  his  heels ;  and 
Felix  did  the  same,  not  wishing  the  affair  to 
become  public. 

He  of  the  bull  neck,  being  perfectly  familiar 
with  the  locality,  had  no  sort  of  trouble  in  dodging 
the  officers  and  escaping.  Not  so  Felix.  Notwith- 


236  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

standing  lie  put  on  full  steam,  he  was  soon  aware 
that  the  Metropolitans  were  after  him,  and  were 
gaining  in  the  race.  He  held  out,  however,  with 
obstinate  perseverance,  in  the  hope  of  tiring  his 
pursuers;  but  in  this  he  was  disappointed;  and 
after  a  race  of  three-fourths  of  a  mile,  he  was  cap- 
tured by  the  gentlemen  in  blue. 

"We've  got  you,  old  boy,"  said  one  of  the  police- 
men, taking  him  by  the  collar.  "  You  made  good 
time,  but  you  couldn't  quite.  You  must  go  with 
us  to  the  station-house." 

"For  God's  sake,  gentlemen,"  protested  Felix, 
"  let  me  off." 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it.  What  was  the  meaning  of  all 
that  hullabaloo — '  murder,'  <  police,'  and  what 
not?" 

"  I  made  it.     I  was  attacked." 

"  You?  That  don't  go  down,  old  feller;  if 
you'd  a-made  it  you  wouldn't  a-run  as  though  hoof- 
and-horns  was  after  you.  It's  no  use  talken' ;  come 
along." 

"  I  am  innocent ;  upon  my  honor,  gentlemen  ;  I 
was  attacked  under  peculiar  circumstances.  I 
should  not  have  called  out  had  not  my  life  been  in 
danger.  I  protest " 

"  Protest  and  be  hanged ;  what  do  I  care  ?"  said 


FELIX   IN   LIMBO.  237 

he  of  the  club.  "  You're  a  suspicious  character, 
prowling  around  here  at  night  when  somebody 
cries  murder,  and  there's  no  use  talkin'." 

In  spite  of  his  protestations,  Mr.  Jew  was  com- 
pelled to  march  to  the  station-house.  He  gave  a 
fictitious  name,  and  was  locked  up  for  the  night  in 
one  of  those  delightful  cells  where  prisoners  are 
permitted  to  sit  up  or  lodge  on  the  hard  side  of  a 
small  plank.  The  station-house  being  crowded,  he 
was  put  in  with  a  fellow-unfortunate,  whose  breath 
was  so  rank  with  whisky  and  tobacco  that  Felix 
was  quite  prostrated  by  the  odor.  He  was  kept 
there  until  morning,  when,  as  no  one  appeared  to 
complain  of  him,  he  was  discharged. 


CHAPTER  XXIV.' 

The  Concluding  Adventure  of  Mr.  Felix  Jew — He  goes  to  the 
Academy  of  Music,  and  gets  in  Love — A  Sick  Wife,  who  proves 
to  be  a  Myth — A  Cousin,  who  proves  to  belong  to  the  Peter  Funk 
Fraternity — Poem  of  a  Matrimonial  Candidate  which  led  to  Im- 
portant Results. 

LET  all  men  remember,  that  in  the  last  chapter  Mr. 
Felix  Jew,  having  been  knocked  down  by  the 
indignant  husband  of  Anna  Barton,  was  subse- 
quently locked  up  in  the  station-house,  and  dis- 
charged next  morning,  with  two  black  eyes. 

As  soon  as  the  marks  disappeared  from  his  vis- 
ual orbs,  however,  he  resolved,  notwithstanding 
his  former  ill-luck,  to  try  once  more. 

Felix  prided  himself  upon  his  ability  to  detect  a 
person's  character  by  his  handwriting;  and  one 
letter,  he  decided,  was  the  production  of  an  honest 
and  accomplished  person.  As  this  letter  led  to  the 
final  and  most  important  matrimonial  adventure  of 
the  hero,  we  publish  it  entire  : 

"Ma.  F.  J. — I  have  read  your  advertisement,  and  although  I  have 
always  before  passed  over  things  of  this  kind  as  trivial  or  improper, 
233 


JENNIE  BOUTON'S  LETTER.  239 

there  is  an  air  of  sincerity  and  candor  about  yours,  which  has 
induced  me  to  answer  it.  I  have  recently  returned  from  school, 
with  what  is  called  a  finished  education.  That  is,  I  play  the  piano, 
have  gone  through  as  much  of  the  natural  sciences  and  mathemat- 
ics as  young  women  are  expected  to  go  through  ;  and  besides,  je 
park  Fran?ais,  my  friends  assure  me,  as  well  almost  as  though  I 
had  been  born  in  Paris. 

"  I  am  very  sorry,  Mr.  F.  J.,  that  in  addition  to  these  accom- 
plishments, I  cannot  add  that  I  am  very  pretty.  But  the  divine 
gift  of  beauty  (I  am  very  sorry  to  say),  has  not  fallen  to  my 
lot.  I  will  give  you  a  description  of  myself.  I  am  medium  size, 
rather  slender,  have  black  eyes  and  hair,  and  features  which  are 
neither  very  sharp  nor  very  flat.  In  short,  I  am  neither  hideous 
nor  winning  in  my  appearance.  If  we  are  ever  so  fortunate  as  to 
become  friends,  I  trust  you  will  believe  I  have  some  decision  of 
character,  and  some  executive  force.  My  reading  consists  of  history 
and  poetry.  I  never  read  a  score  of  novels  in  all  my  life. 

"  If  you  are  disposed  to  do  so,  I  should  like  to  have  you  write. 
Please  address,  "  JENNIE  BOUTON, 

"  Madison  Square  post-office." 

Felix  replied  to  this  letter  in  flattering  terms,  and 
requested  her  to  fix  a  time  and  place  for  an  inter- 
view. 

To  this  he  received  a  prompt  answer,  in  which 
he  was  graciously  requested  to  meet  her  at  the 
Academy  of  Music,  the  next  "Wednesday  evening, 
and  to  secure  a  certain  seat  in  the  parquette,  as 
she  and  her  cousin  would  occupy  the  adjoining 
ones.  If  he  would  write  his  name  on  the  libretto, 


24:0  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAuK 

and  hold  it  up  so  that  she  could  read  it,  she  would 
recognize  him. 

In  accordance  with  this  suggestion,  Mr.  Jew 
secured  the  seat  in  question,  and  placed  himself  in 
it  at  an  early  hour.  He  thought  much  more  of  the 
expected  Jennie  than  of  the  singing,  and  began  to 
fear  his  unknown  friend  was  not  coming,  when, 
during  the  second  scene,  he  heard  the  rustling  of 
silks,  and  the  two  seats  next  him,  which  up  to  that 
time  had  remained  vacant,  were  filled  by  a  young 
lady  and  a  man  about  thirty-five  years  old,  who 
attended  her. 

As  soon  as  they  had  settled  themselves,  Felix  dis- 
played his  signal,  and  the  young  lady  turning  to 
him  said : 

"  Ah,  good  evening,  Mr.  Jew,  I  had  not  observed 
you  before." 

Mr.  Jew  was  struck  with  the  manner  and  appear 
ance  of  his  new  friend,  and  congratulated  himself 
that  in  one  more  instance  his  power  of  judging 
character  by  the  hand- writing  had  prevailed. 

During  the  evening,  the  "cousin"  absented 
himself  between  the  acts,  and  this  gave  the  new 
acquaintances  opportunity  to  converse.  By  this 
means,  Mr.  Jew  was  informed  that  Miss  Bouton 
was  a  resident  of  Baltimore,  and  that  she  was  tern- 


MR.   JEW   IS   CAPTIVATED.  241 

porarily  stopping  in  New  York  with  her  cousin, 
and  during  his  wife's  illness  was  overseeing  the 
affairs  of  the  household.  He  was  invited  to  call 
upon  her,  and  took  the  address,  at  the  same  time 
furnishing  references. 

Felix  called  shortly  after  this  romantic  meeting, 
and  found  Jennie  in  a  very  respectable  house,  and 
everything  as  he  expected. 

"My  cousin,  Mr.  L ,"  said  she,  "is  an  old 

and  familiar  friend.  He  is  old  enough  to  be  my 
father ;  but  we  always  liked  each  other.  His  wife 
is  a  sweet  woman,  and  an  old  schoolmate.  "We 
were  intimate  friends  years  before  she  married 
Cousin  Billy.  Her  health  is  very  bad  now,  how- 
ever, and  she  does  not  leave  her  room.  I  came  on 
here  to  make  a  short  visit,  and  she  begged  of  me 
so  hard  to  stay  and  take  charge  of  the  house  until 
she  should  recover,  that  I  couldn't  refuse  her." 

Mr.  Jew's  visits  became  frequent,  and  he  took 
her  out  almost  every  night  to  some  place  of  amuse- 
ment, the  "cousin"  being  always  too  solicitous 
about  his  wife  to  accompany  them ;  and  Mr.  Jew, 
in  an  almost  incredible  short  space  of  time,  was 
completely  captivated.  He  trusted  the  fair  Jennie 
fully,  and  if  other  persons  might  possibly  have 
seen  suspicious  indications,  it  was  quite  impossible 

11 


24:2  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

for  him  to  discover  them,  blind  as  he  was  in  love. 
He  was  assured  that  his  feelings  were  reciprocated, 
and  thought  himself  the  happiest  of  men. 

At  last  he  had  to  leave  the  city  for  a  few  weeks, 
and  during  his  absence  frequent  and  affectionate 
letters  passed,  and  in  nearly  every  epistle  Jennie 
indulged  her  romantic  turn  of  mind  in  stanzas  of 
great  merit,  if  tried  by  the  fond  judgment  of  Felix. 

Here  is  a  specimen  from  one  of  those  tender 
epistles : 

"  We  read  that  ( the  course  of  true  love  never  did  run  smooth,' 
but  ours,  thus  far,  has  not  been  disturbed  by  a  single  storm.  Are 
you  as  happy  as  I  am  ?  There  is  only  one  thing  that  troubles  me, 
and  that  is  not  in  any  way  connected  with  our  '  course  of  true  love.' 
Poor  dear  Emma  (the  cousin's  wife)  is  no  better,  and,  I  fear,  will 
not  be  able  to  leave  her  room  for  many  weeks.  This,  of  course, 
imposes  upon  me  much  responsibility,  and  many  cares  ;  but  as  I  am 
soon  to  be  your  wife,  and  have  charge  of  our  house,  the  discipline 
will,  I  trust,  prepare  me  to  make  it  cheerful,  and  to  do  better  than 
I  should  without  it. 

"  Do  you  know,  dear,  what  I  have  been  doing  to-day  ?  'Writing 
verses,  as  usual,'  you  will  say.  Well,  I  have  been  writing  verses 
again,  and  as  long  as  you  praise  them  so,  I  shall  keep  on.  When 
you  get  tired  of  them  you  must  say  so,  and  I  will  stop.  Here  is 
what  I  have  written  to-day  : 

"  Love  !  what  is  love  ?    I  cannot  tell ; 

I  feel  a  thrill  of  strange  delight 
Bind  every  sense  with  a  sweet  spell 
By  day  and  night. 


A    POEM    ON    LOVE.  24:3 

"  I  know  my  spirit  is  not  free  ; 

'Tis  bound  with  strongest  links  to  thine ; 
And  yet  I  feel  its  slavery 
Is  all  divine. 

"  Old  memories,  sacred  in  the  past, 

Have  lost  their  once  enthralling  power  ; 
Thy  love  is  all — rny  first  and  last — 
In  every  hour. 

"  If  this  be  love,  then  do  /love  ; 

If  this  be  love,  then  love  is  blest ; 
My  soul  submissive  as  a  dove, 
In  thine  must  rest." 

Felix  returned  to  the  city,  and  was  delighted 
when  Jennie  showed  him  a  letter  from  her  father, 
dated  at  Baltimore,  authorizing  her  to  select  a  hus- 
band according  to  her  own  inclinations,  and  ex- 
pressing many  kind  paternal  wishes  of  long  life  and 
peace. 

It  cannot  be  expected  that  Felix  concealed  all 
his  joy  from  his  friends.  He  had  one,  in  particu- 
lar, to  whom  he  confided  the  entire  history  of  his 
attachment.  But  this  friend  came  near  losing  his 
esteem,  by  venturing  to  question  the  sincerity  and 
truthfulness  of  the  fair  Jennie. 

"  How  do  you  know,"  said  he,  "  that  she  has  a 
wealthy  father  living  in  Baltimore  ?" 

"  I  have  seen  a  letter  from  him,"  replied  Felix. 


244:  MATRIMONIAL   BEOKEKAGE. 

"  Did  you  see  the  envelope  and  post-mark  ?" 

"  No." 

"  Then,  how  do  you  know  but  this  cousin,  as  she 
calls  him,  wrote  it  ?" 

"  I  know  that  she  is  incapable  of  deception." 

"  I  hope  she  is ;  but  when  we  deal  with  strangers 
in  New  York,  it  is  impossible  to  tell  what  they  are 
driving  at.  "What  evidence  have  you  that  these 
people  are  respectable  ?" 

"  The  evidence  of  my  eyes." 

"  I  hope  your  eyes  do  not  deceive  you.  But 
for  my  part,  I  advise  you  to  look  out  for  traps." 

"  I  cannot  listen  to  such  insinuations,"  said  Felix ; 
and  taking  his  hat  was  about  to  withdraw  in  high 
dudgeon ;  but  his  friend  called  him  back,  and  ex- 
plained that  he  did  not  suppose  anything  was 
wrong  in  the  present  instance ;  he  only  wished  to 
put  him  on  his  guard. 

Felix  was  reconciled,  and  proposed  to  show 
his  friend  some  of  Jennie's  poetry.  His  friend 
read  on  until  he  came  to  the  poem  above  quoted. 

"  She  claims  this  as  her  own  composition  ?"  said 
he. 

«  Of  course." 

u  Yes ;  there  is  no  mistake  about  that.  Her  let- 
ter says :  ( Here  is  what  I  have  written  to-day.' '! 


A   STOKM   BREWING.  24:5 

"  Well,  what  of  it  ?     She  did  write  it  ?" 

Jew's  friend  went  to  his  hook-case,  and  rummag- 
ing over  a  pile  of  old  newspapers,  selected  one,  and 
handed  it  to  Felix,  saying  : 

"  I  wrote  that  poetry,  if  it  is  poetry,  three  years 
ago,  as  you  will  see  hy  the  date." 

Felix  stood  in  mute  astonishment,  his  face,  mean- 
time, turning  red  as  fire. 

"  There  is  some  mistake  ahout  it,"  said  he  at  last, 
and  hastily  withdrew. 

He  called  next  morning,  however,  and  his  friend 
was  pleased  to  find  him  prepared  to  listen  to  rea- 
son. 

"You  have  been  slightly  deceived,  that  is  evi- 
dent," he  remarked  to  Felix.  "  Perhaps,  how- 
ever, it  is  unintentional  on  her  part.  She  may 
have  read  the  verses  some  time  ago  and  forgotten 
the  fact,  and  fancied  that  she  composed  them  her- 
self." 

"  Charitable,  but  most  improbable,"  replied 
Felix,  who  had  grown  suspicious.  "  I  shall  see." 

His  friend  advised  him,  in  the  first  place,  to 
learn  whether  "  the  cousin  "  really  had  a  sick  wife ; 
then  to  trace  "  the  cousin  "  to  his  place  of  business  ; 
and,  finally,  to  make  inquiries  in  relation  to  his 
character — precautions  which  naturally  suggest 


246 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 


themselves,  but  which  Felix,  in  his  sudden  and  en« 
thusiastic  attachment,  had  entirely  neglected. 

The  same  afternoon  Felix  called  upon  the  fair 
Jennie,  and  dissembling  his  suspicions,  inquired 

after  the  welfare  of  Mrs.  L .     He  was  answered 

that  she  was  still  confined  to  her  room,  and  was  no 
better. 

"  Who  attends  her?"  he  asked. 

"  Dr.  Smith/'  was  the  reply. 

"Which  Dr.  Smith?" 

"  I  don't  remember  his  Christian  name." 

"  Where  is  his  office  ?" 

"  I  don't  remember ;  my  cousin  would  of  course 
know.  I  never  mind  such  things ;  I  don't  even 
know  my  cousin's  place  of  business." 

Felix  was  more  suspicious  than  ever.  He  went 
early  next  morning,  in  disguise,  and  watched  the 
house  until  "  the  cousin "  started  for  his  place  of 
business,  and  followed  him.  He  went  down  town 
and  entered  an  auction  store,  with  Felix  unobserved 
at  his  heels,  dressed  in  a  very  plain  garb,  and  as- 
suming the  airs  of  a  fresh  importation  from  Jersey. 
A  watch,  warranted  to  be  pure  gold,  was  put  up, 
and  "  the  cousin  "  bid  vigorously ;  but  Felix  run  it 
up  to  thirty  dollars,  and  it  was  struck  off  to  him. 
As  he  expected,  it  proved  upon  examination  to  be 


BOGUS   GOLD  WATCH.  247 

utterly  worthless,  having  only  a  face  and  brass 
case,  without  any  inside  works  whatever ;  and  he 
went  directly  to  the  mayor,  and  under  an  assumed 
name,  made  an  affidavit  against  the  auctioneer 
and  "cousin."  They  were  speedily  brought  up 
by  an  officer,  questioned,  and  made  to  refund  the 
money. 

Jew  made  inquiries  concerning  the  character  of 
the  gentlemen  he  had  been  dealing  with,  and  was 
told  they  were  both  notorious  mock-auction  swind- 
lers. 

Having  learned  the  character  of  Mr.  L ,  the 

cousin,  he  resumed  his  usual  dress,  and  called  at 
the  house  of  that  worthy  gentleman,  although  Jennie 
had  informed  him  the  day  before  that  she  should 
not  be  at  home.  The  same  servant  met  him  at 
the  door  who  had  met  him  whenever  he  had  called, 
and  informed  him  that  Miss  Jennie  had  gone 
out. 

"  How  is  Mrs.  L to-day  ?"  he  inquired. 

The  servant  smiled,  and  Felix,  taking  a  ten  dol- 
lar gold-piece  from  his  pocket,  slipped  it  into  her 
hand.  "  You  can  be  of  service  to  me,"  said  he, 
"  and  I  will  reward  you.  Tell  me  truly,  is  there 
such  a  woman  as  Mrs.  L ?" 

"  Not  unless  Miss  Jennie  is,"  replied  she. 


24:8  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

"  Isn't  there  a  sick  woman  in  the  house  ?" 

"  !N"o.     You  can  look  for  yourself." 

And  the  servant  showed  Felix  through  every 
room ;  but  they  were  all  vacant. 

The  servant's  tongue  was  thoroughly  loosened 
by  the  gold,  and  she  told  him  all  she  knew  about 
the  two  persons  in  whom  he  was  so  much  inte- 
rested. 

Mr.  L ,  he  learned,  was  a  single  man  about 

to  be  married,  and  Miss  Jennie  was  a  person 
whom  he  was  anxious  to  get  off  his  hands ;  and 
Jennie,  being  equally  desirous  to  go,  the  two  had 
together  contrived  the  plan ;  and  Mr.  Jew  seemed 
to  be  such  a  fine  gentleman,  that  she  (the  servant) 
had  often  wanted  to  tell  him,  but  didn't  dare 
to.  Miss  Jennie  abused  her,  according  to  her 
account,  worse  than  ever  a  master  abused  a 
plantation  slave,  and  she  had  found  a  place,  and 
was  going  to  leave  that  night. 

Mr.  Jew  was  convinced  that  he  could  prove 
enough  by  this  servant  to  clear  himself  of  a  breach 
of  promise  case,  if  they  should  prosecute  him,  and 
took  her  address,  promising  to  pay  her  liberally 
if  her  services  were  needed.  He  never  called 
on  Miss  Jennie  again,  and  has  not  been  mo- 
lested. 


CIIAPTEE    XXY. 

Mr  Eli  Boyse  treats  his  Father-in-law  to  a  Champagne  Dinner  at 
Gosling's — He  subsequently  parts  with  his  Boots  :  The  Manner  of 
said  Parting  being  fully  set  forth. 

MR.  ELI  BOYSE  answered  the  matrimonial  advertise- 
ment of  a  young  lady,  who,  judging  from  the  ac- 
count she  gave  of  herself,  would  make  a  very  desir- 
able acquaintance. 

Mr.  Boyse  received  a  note,  informing  him  that  if 
he  would  be  at  Gosling's  saloon  at  one  o'clock  on  a 
certain  day,  and  "  wear  a  blue  neck-tie  with  a  turn- 
down collar,  and  a  handkerchief  sticking  a  little 
from  his  pocket,  and  sit  as  near  the  door  as  conve- 
nient," the  advertiser  would  recognize  him.  The 
note,  Mr.  Boyse  observed,  was  in  a  cramped  and 
awkward  hand,  which  after  all  efforts  at  disguise, 
looked  more  like  a  man's  than  a  woman's.  How- 
ever, he  attired  himself  in  the  style  proposed  by 
his  unknown  correspondent,  and  at  the  appointed 
hour  seated  himself  near  the  entrance  of  the  sa- 
loon. 

He  had  only  time  to  give  out  his  order,  before  a 


250  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

middle-aged  man,  with  garments  slightly  worse  for 
wear,  yet  looking  quite  neat  and  respectable,  ap- 
proached and  bowed : 

"  Mr.  Boyse,  I  presume." 

"Well?"  said  the  young  gentleman  thus  unex- 
pectedly addressed.  "  You  have  the  advantage  of 
me ;  I  don't  remember  to  have  seen  you  before." 

"  No,  sir,  I  presume  not.     My  name  is but 

that  don't  matter  now ;  let's  come  to  an  explana- 
tion at  once." 

Saying  which  the  stranger  seated  himself  beside 
Mr.  Boyse,  and  proceeded  thus  : 

"  You  came  here  expecting  to  see  Miss  Beck ; 
but  the  truth  is  Miss  Beck  will  not  be  here  to-day. 
She  is,  in  fact,  sir,  my  daughter.  She  wanted  me 
to  come,  in  short,  and  see  you,  and  talk  the  matter 
over,  and  if  you  desired  to  be  introduced,  and  are  a 
proper  person  to  be  introduced,  as  I  have  no  doubt 
you  are,  we  can  easily  come  to  an  understanding ; 
and  I  shall  of  course  invite  you  to  my  house." 

u  As  to  that,"  replied  the  disappointed  Boyse,  "  I 
can't  tell  whether  your  daughter  and  I  would  de- 
sire to  become  acquainted  or  not  until  we  have  seen 
each  other.  I  expected  to  see  her  here,  and  if  she 
had  kept  her  promise,  we  would  have  known." 

"  You   must  know,  my  dear  sir,"  replied  Mr. 


A  VISION    OF   BEAUTY.  251 

Beck,  "  that  this  is  no  ordinary  step  for  a  young 
lady  to  take.  My  daughter  acted  under  my  advice ; 
and  I  would  never  consent  to  have  her  meet  a 
stranger  in  the  manner  proposed — never,  sir.  So 
that  ends  that  matter.  But  as  you  appear  to  be  a 
fine  young  gentleman  I  will  inform  you  that  I  have 
her  likeness  in  my  pocket." 

The  fine  young  gentleman  expressed  great 
eagerness  to  see  it,  and  with  many  assurances  that 
it  did  not  do  justice  to  the  original,  the  father  com- 
plied with  the  request. 

Mr.  Boyse  thought  her  the  most  beautiful  being 
he  had  ever  seen,  was  reconciled  to  the  father  at 
once,  and  invited  him  to  order  whatever  he  wished 
at  his  expense,  called  for  champagne,  and  did  every- 
thing in  his  power  to.  make  himself  agreeable.  The 
stranger  ate  as  though  he  had  just  come  out  of  a 
seven  years'  famine,  and  drank  as  though  he 
had  been  spending  at  least  a  week  on  the  Sahara 
Desert. 

At  the  close  of  the  repast,  Mr.  Beck  addressed 
himself  to  Mr.  Boyse  thus : 

"  You  have  a  very  pretty  foot,  Mr.  Boyse.  I 
flatter  myself  there  are  few  men  with  a  better 
shaped  foot  than  mine ;  but  I  believe  yours  is  quite 
equal  to  it,  and  1  fancy  our  feet  are  about  of  a  size. 


252  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

I  ordered  a  pair  of  new  patent-leather  boots — -just 
like  the  ones  you  have  on — near  here  to-day,  and 
that's  the  reason  I  wore  these  old  things — so  I  could 
leave  'em  behind  and  get  rid  of  'em.  Won't  yon 
go  up  there  with  me,  Mr.  Boyse  ?" 

Mr.  Boyse  paid  for  the  dinner  and  expressed  his 
readiness  to  go.  They  went  into  the  shoe-store,  and 
Mr.  Beck  called  for  the  boots  he  ordered  an  hour 
before.  The  man  brought  a  pair  of  fine  patent- 
leather  boots,  similar  to  those  which  Mr.  Boyse  had 
donned  for  his  romantic  meeting  at  Gosling's.  Mr. 
Beck  tried  one  on. 

"  Admirable  fit,"  said  he.  "  Mr.  Boyse,  let  me 
see  these  boots  on  your  feet,  if  you  please  ;  I'll  try 
on  yours.  I  believe  our  feet  are  just  of  a  size." 

Mr.  Boyse  accordingly  took  off  his  boots  and 
tried  on  the  new  ones,  Mr.  Beck  meantime  having 
slipped  on  Boyse's,  which  he  pronounced  a  per- 
fect fit. 

"  I  told  you,"  said  he,  "  that  our  feet  were  just  of 
a  size,  Boyse,  and  don't  you  see  I  was  right  ?  I 
never  saw  a  more  perfect  fit  in  my  life  than  your 
boot  to  my  foot." 

Just  at  this  stage  of  the  acquaintance,  Mr.  Beck 
saw,  or  pretended  to  see,  some  one  beckoning  to 
him  from  the  street. 


MB.  BECK   IS   BOOTED.  253 

"  All !"  said  he  hastily,  "  there's  a  man  on  the 
sidewalk  I  must  see  just  a  moment.  Excuse  me, 
Mr.  Boyse,  I'll  be  right  back;"  and  before  the 
words  were  fairly  out  of  his  mouth,  Mr.  Beck  had 
disappeared  with  Mr.  Boyse's  boots  on. 

Mr.  Boyse  waited  five  minutes — ten  minutes — 
fifteen  minutes — twenty  minutes ;  but  Mr.  Beck 
did  not  return.  He  then  requested  the  man  in  the 
store  to  go  out  and  look  for  him,  which  he  did,  but 
returned  with  intelligence  that  the  gentleman  in 
question  was  nowhere  to  be  seen,  although  he  "  had 
looked  up  street  and  down  street,  and  around  the 
corners." 

"  Has  he  paid  for  these  boots?"  asked  Mr.  Boyse, 
intending  in  that  case  to  put  them  on  and  call  it  an 
even  trade. 

"  Oh,  no,"  replied  the  man.  "  He  ordered  them 
about  two  hours  ago,  and  said  he  would  call  in  a 
few  minutes  and  take  them." 

Mr.  Boyse  easily  perceived  that  he  had  been 
dealing  with  a  "  confidence  man,"  and  believing 
the  best  way  out  of  it  was  to  say  nothing,  paid  for 
the  new  boots  and  departed.  He  did  not  see  Mr. 
Beck  again,  and  was  never  introduced  to  the  origi- 
nal of  the  likeness. 


CIIAPTEE    XXVI. 

Ai  Unmitigated  Scoundrel — How  Mr.  Montgomery  fell  in  with  an 
old  Acquaintance,  and  how  he  was  Flogged  by  a- Woman — How 
he  made  Love  to  a  Boston  Widow,  and  managed  to  get  $1,000. 

AFTER  having  made  our  readers  acquainted  with 
so  many  virtuous  and  honest  characters,  it  is  with 
great  reluctance  that  we  introduce  a  rascal.  The 
truth  of  history,  however,  requires  us  to  say  that 
the  individual  whose  career  will  be  traced  in  this 
chapter,  was  an  unmitigated  scoundrel,  who  lived 
by  the  constant  practice  of  fraud,  and  hated 
nothing  so  much  as  honesty  and  justice. 

This  individual  figured  under  so  many  different 
names  that  it  is  a  question  whether,  in  the  multi- 
tude of  aliases  with  which  he  concealed  his 
identity,  he  did  not  actually  forget  the  original, 
derived  from  his  father.  He  must  be  known  to  our 
readers  as  James  Montgomery,  since  he  assumed 
the  cognomen  of  that  pious  poet  in  the  rascally 
transaction  to  be  related. 

Mr.  Montgomery  for  some  time  made  it  a  regular 
profession  to  advertise  for  a  wife,  and  to  answer  the 

254 


EFFECTS   A   LOAN.  255 

advertisements  of  others.  He  did  not,  of  course, 
use  the  same  name,  or  give  the  same  description  of 
himself,  in  all  his  advertisements  ;  but,  on  the  con- 
contrary,  when  he  had  made  about  as  much  as  he 
could  out  of  one  name  and  description,  he  would 
insert  another. 

This  led  him  into  awkward  straits  in  some  cases ; 
for  his  correspondence  was  so  extensive  that  he 
could  not  recognize  the  handwriting  of  each  corres- 
pondent after  letters  were  cold;  and  in  three  or 
four  instances  his  new  advertisements  brought  him 
in  contact  with  old  acquaintances  whom  he  had 
known  under  different  names,  and  whom  he  had 
so  cheated  that  they  were  ready  to  pull  the  hair 
from  his  head — a  feat  which  a  woman  effectually 
performed  on  one  of  the  occasions  referred  to. 

The  circumstances  were  these :  he  advertised 
that  a  southern  gentleman  of  ample  fortune  was 
spending  a  few  months  in  New  York,  and  wanted 
to  take  a  bride  back  to  his  home  in  the  sunny 
South,  and  invited  any  lady  of  accomplished  man- 
ners and  good  standing,  to  correspond.  In  this 
way  he  made  the  acquaintance  of  a  w^idow,  and 
won  her  confidence,  under  the  name  of  Truman 
Dixon ;  was  invited  to  her  house,  and  finally  suc- 
ceeded in  borrowing  three  hundred  dollars,  under 


256  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

pretext  that  his  last  remittance  from  the  South  had 
been  lost  in  the  mail ;  after  which,  of  course,  he 
vanished  from  the  widow's  sight,  as  he  supposed, 
forever.  A  year  afterwards,  however,  he  adver- 
tised under  the  name  of  Paine,  and  having  received 
an  answer,  went  to  meet  a  lady  at  a  matrimonial 
office ;  and  when  he  was  led  into  the  parlor  to  be 
introduced,  found  no  other  than  the  identical 
widow  from  whom  he  had  obtained  the  three  hun- 
dred dollar  loan. 

"  You  good-for-nothing  villain  !  you  swindler ! — 
is  it  you  ?"  said  the  widow,  flashing  fire  upon  him  . 
with   her   eyes,  as  Roderick  Dim  did  upon  Fitz- 
James. 

"  Indeed,  madam,"  coolly  replied  Montgomery, 
not  for  a  moment  losing  his  perfect  self-possession, 
"  You  surprise  me.  I  have  not  the  honor  of  know- 
ing you,  and  excuse  the  abusive  language  you 
employ,  as  I  perceive  you  take  me  for  another  per- 
son." 

"  None  of  that,  Mr.  Paine,"  replied  the  widow, 
pronouncing  the  word  "Paine"  with  a  withering 
sneer ;  "  you  called  yourself  Truman  Dixon  a  year 
ago  and  borrowed  $300  from  me.  I  hope  your 
remittance  from  the  South  has  arrived,  so  that  you 
can  pay  me  the  debt  now." 


IS    SEIZED   BY   THE   HAIR.  257 

"  It  is  strange,"  rejoined  Montgomery,  alias 
Dixon,  alias  Paine,  "  that  you  should  be  so  mis- 
taken. I  am  unfortunate  indeed,  if  in  my  person 
I  bear  any  resemblance  to  a  man  who  could  do  so 
vile  a  thing  as  to  cheat  so  fair  a  lady  of  the  paltry 
sum  of  three  hundred  dollars." 

"  Oh,  none  of  your  fine  speeches  here,  Mr. 
Dixon.  I  know  that  smooth,  lying  tongue  of  yours 
too  well.  You  are  Truman  Dixon,  and  you  know 
it  as  well  as  I  do." 

"  I  am  not  Truman  Dixon,"  replied  the  rogue, 
vehemently.  "  I  owe  you  nothing — will  pay  you 
nothing.  You  insult  a  gentleman,  knowing  he 
cannot  chastise  you.  "Were  you  a  man  I  would 
break  my  cane  over  your  head,  if  you  so  persisted 
in  the  absurd  story.  As  you  are  a  woman  I  leave 
you.  Good  day."  Saying  which,  with  well- 
feigned  indignation,  Mr.  Montgomery  turned  to- 
ward the  door. 

"You  don't  get  off  in  this  way!"  shouted  the 
widow,  in  whom  the  long-smothered  desire  of 
revenge  was  fanned  to  a  flame.  "Pay  me  what 
you  owe  me,  you  miserable,  lying  vagabond!" 
And  with  these  truthful  epithets  in  her  mouth,  the 
stalwart  widow  seized  the  retreating  Paine  by  the 
hair  and  hurled  him  to  the  floor.  He  was  a  small 


258 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 


man,  little  accustomed  to  physical  combat,  and 
stood  no  chance  whatever  in  the  hands  of  the  justly 
indignant  widow,  who  grasped  the  fire-shovel  and 
"belabored  him  until  he  was  grim  with  soot  and 
perspiration,  and  his  collar  and  shirt  bosom  were 
besmeared  with  the  blood  which  streamed  pro- 
fusely from  his  nose. 

Having  plied  her  enemy  with  this  instrument  to 
her  heart's  content,  the  widow  threw  it  aside,  and 
seizing  him  by  the  hair  again  with  both  hands,  set 
him  on  his  feet,  and  whirled  him  around  the  room 
like  a  top,  and  finally,  opening  the  door,  gave  him 
a  push  which  sent  him  sprawling  in  the  hall,  tell- 
ing him  at  the  same  time,  he  was  a  "  miserable, 
dirty,  swindling,  mean,  low  knave,"  and  that  if 
"  he  would  never  torment  her  sight  with  his  dried- 
np  carcase  again,  she  would  call  the  debt  paid." 

Mr.  Paine  performed  his  ablutions  under  favor 
of  the  matrimonial  agent,  whom  he  assured  that  the 
whole  thing  was  a  blunder  on  the  widow's  part, 
and  left,  glad  to  escape  with  his  life. 

Mr.  Montgomery  generally  managed  to  turn  his 
matrimonial  acquaintances  to  account  in  some  way. 
Ifhe  could  not  borrow  of  them  he  would  steal ;  and 
if  the  lady  carried  a  gold  watch  he  was  sure  to 
get  it. 


VISIT   OF  A   BOSTON   WIDOW.  259 

Under  the  name  of  Montgomery,  lie  got  into  cor- 
respondence with  a  weak-minded  widow  in  Boston, 
with  whom  he  exchanged  likenesses.  He  wrote 
her  many  sentimental  letters,  in  which  he  professed 
to  be  struck  greatly  by  her  appearance,  and  assured 
her  that  he  was  a  phrenologist,  and  could  determine 
her  character  and  disposition  as  well  from  her  pic- 
ture as  he  could  by  an  intimate  acquaintance  of 
years.  He  gave  a  very  flattering  account  of  his 
own  circumstances,  painted  in  glowing  colors  the 
beautiful  home  he  possessed  in  the  South,  and  as- 
sured her  that  were  he  not  detained  in  New  York 
by  an  unlucky  illness,  which,  though  it  did  not 
confine  him  to  his  room,  the  doctor  assured  him 
would  not  allow  him  to  make  a  journey  to  Boston, 
he  would  visit  her  immediately.  Since,  however, 
he  was  prevented  by  sickness  from  visiting  his 
adored,  would  it  be  asking  too  much  for  her  to 
come  to  E"ew  York  ?  She  could  spend  a  few  days 
pleasantly ;  and  this  would  afford  opportunity  to 
form  an  acquaintance  which  he  fondly  believed 
would  be  for  their  mutual  happiness. 

Unfortunately,  the  widow  was  foolish  enough  to 
believe  all  the  hypocritical  E"ew  Yorker  wrote,  and 
actually  came  to  this  city  and  put  up  at  a  hotel  in 
Broadway.  Mr.  Montgomery  immediately  called 


260  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

upon  her,  and  derived  great  pleasure  from  the  fact 
that  his  health  (which,  by  the  way,  was  always  ex- 
cellent) had  so  far  improved  as  to  enable  him  to 
devote  himself  to  her.  They  went  to  the  opera — 
they  went  to  the  theatre — they  went  to  the  museum 
— they  went  everywhere;  and  in  two  weeks  the 
widow  returned  to  Boston  to  turn  her  property  into 
money  and  get  ready  for  the  wedding,  which  was 
to  be  celebrated  in  that  city,  after  which  the  happy 
twain  were  to  proceed  to  Mr.  Montgomery's  estates 
in  the  South. 

But  after  the  widow  had  made  all  the  necessary 
dispositions,  Mr.  Montgomery's  health  failed  again, 
and  she  heard  with  regret  that  he  would  be  unable 
to  bear  the  journey  for  several  weeks. 

"  But,"  wrote  he,  "  do  not  let  this  circumstance 
delay  our  happiness.  You  have  already  made  one 
journey  to  New  York  on  my  poor  account ;  will 
you  make  another— the  last  one  ?  You  have  dis- 
posed your  affairs  so  that  you  have  nothing  to  de- 
tain you  there.  Why  not,  then,  come  on  at  once  ? 
We  will  be  married  here ;  and  I  am  sure  that  with 
you  to  nurse  me,  I  shall  be  able  to  go  South  much 
sooner  than  otherwise." 

The  above  tender  epistle  had  precisely  the  effect 
intended.  The  widow  immediately  came  on  to 


CAUTION   AGAINST   EOBBEKS.  261 

New  York,  and  received  a  warm  welcome  from  her 
intended  husband.  "Your  presence  has  already 
inspired  me  with  new  strength,"  said  he.  "  I  begin 
to  feel  quite  well  the  moment  I  look  upon  you ;" 
which,  considering  that  Mr.  Montgomery  had  been 
in  perfect  health  for  several  years,  was  truly  re- 
markable. 

"  You  have  disposed  of  your  property,  and  have 
some  money  on  hand,  I  suppose,"  casually  remarked 
Mr.  Montgomery  during  the  interview. 

«  Yes." 

"  The  reason  of  my  mentioning  it  is  to  put  you 
on  your  guard.  I  would  let  no  one  know  that  I 
had  any  money.  This  is  a  good  hotel,  and  the  ser- 
vants and  guests  may  be  all  honest ;  still,  there  are 
a  great  many  chances  for  a  stranger  to  get  robbed 
in  New  York,  and  it  is  always  best  to  be  careful." 

"  Do  you  think  there  is  any  danger  ?"  inquired 
the  widow,  with  some  alarm. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know  as  there  is.  Still,  there  may 
be.  There  are  some  very  expert  robbers  in  E"ew 
York.  1  know  a  lady  from  the  South,  who  was 
stopping  at  a  hotel  here,  and  went  to  her  trunk  one 
day  to  get  some  money,  when  she  discovered  it  was 
all  gone.  The  robbers  had  locked  the  trunk  again, 
and  nothing  else  had  been  disturbed.  It  was  about 


262  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

• 

a  thousand  dollars,  and  she  never  recovered  a  cent 
of  it." 

"  Dear  me  !"  exlaimed  the  widow  ;  "  that  is  near 
the  amount  I  have  got,  I  should  hate  to  lose  it. 
What  would  you  do  ?" 

"  Oh,  I'd  keep  a  close  watch  ;  see  that  the  door 
is  well  fastened  at  night,  and  so  on.  Or,  you  might 
deposit  it  with  the  landlord  and  take  his  receipt." 

"  I  don't  like  to  do  that.  Look  a-here,  Mr.  Mont- 
gomery," said  the  widow,  struck  by  a  sudden  idea, 
"  won't  you  take  charge  of  it  ?" 

"  Certainly,  I  can  do  that?" 

"  I  wish  you  would.  I  would  rather  have  it 
where  I  know  it  is  safe." 

Mr.  Montgomery,  with  great  politeness,  pocketed 
a  thousand  dollars  of  the  widow's  money,  gener- 
ously leaving  two  hundred  which  she  said  she  would 
keep  herself,  as  she  wanted  to  do  some  shopping 
before  the  wedding. 

Mr.  Montgomery  soon  after  bade  the  widow  an 
affectionate  good-day,  telling  her  he  had  got  to  go  to 
Newark  on  business  that  afternoon,  and  was  so  feeble 
he  should  not  be  able  to  return  until  the  next  day. 

"Whether  feeble  or  strong,  he  did  not  return  next 
day,  and  the  widow- has  not  seen  him  or  the  thou- 
sand dollars  since. 


CHAPTEK    XXVII. 

A  Brief  History  calculated  to  show  that  a  Man  is  liable   to  be 
Mistaken. 

MK.  Mix  got  mixed  up  with  a  matrimonial  office, 
where  he  was  introduced  to  a  young  lady  named 

Clara ,  whom  he  visited  at  her  father's  house. 

He  was  quite  favorably  impressed  with  his  new 
acquaintance.  She  played  the  piano  well,  sung 
well,  and  was  witty  and  pretty. 

One  evening,  on  the  occasion  of  his  third  or 
fourth  visit,  Clara  was  called  out  by  the  servant, 
who  whispered  to  her,  and  asking  to  be  excused  a 
few  moments,  she  absented  herself  near  half  an 
hour. 

At  length  she  returned  to  the  parlor,  apparently 
in  a  state  of  great  excitement,  which  it  seemed 
impossible  for  her  to  conceal,  with  all  her  efforts. 

Mr.  Mix  expressed  the  hope  that  nothing  had 
occurred  to  disturb  the  peace  and  happiness  of  his 
fair  friend. 

"  I  feared,"  replied  she,  "  you  would  observe  my 


264  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

agitation.  We  have  been  acquainted  only  a  short 
time,  sir,  but  I  feel  I  can  trust  you,  for  I  believe 
you  are  an  honorable  man ;  and  I  find  it  so  difficult 
to  conceal  my  feelings ;  I  know  you  will  wonder, 
unless  I  explain." 

Mr.  Mix  replied  that  he  had  no  right  to  expect 
an  explanation.  He  was  pained  that  she  should  be 
in  trouble ;  but  whatever  the  cause,  he  was  sure 
she  deserved  sympathy.  If  she  would  honor  him 
with  her  confidence,  he  would  serve  her  if  it  was  in 
his  -power. 

"  You  are  very  kind — very  kind,  Mr.  Mix,  and  I 
will  tell  you  the  cause  of  this.  Don't  you  think, 
Mr.  Mix,  that  a  young  lady  ought  to  be  allowed  to 
refuse  or  accept  an  offer  of  marriage,  according  to 
her  own  views  ?" 

"  ~No  one  else  certainly  can  have  so  good  a  right 
to  decide." 

"And  don't  you  think  it's  cruel  in  a  father  to  try 
to  force  his  daughter  to  marry  a  man  whom  she 
despises,  merely  because  he's  got  money?" 

"Yes,  I  surely  do." 

"  Oh,  I  think  it  is  the  crudest,  worst,  wickedest 
thing  a  man  can  do !"  said  Clara,  with  great  vehe- 
mence ;  "  and  that  is  just  what  my  father  is  trying 
to  do  with  me." 


265 


« Indeed !" 

"  Yes.  It  is  singular  that  I  should  feel  con- 
fidence to  tell  you  so  much,  or  that  you  should 
take  any  interest  in  it ;  but  I  havn't  a  friend  in  the 
wide  world  I  dare  go  to  for  advice,  for  all  I  have 
spoken  to  yet  take  up  on  his  side."  Saying  which 
the  forlorn  Clara  burst  into  tears ;  and  Mr.  Mix, 
considerably  moved,  expressed  his  sympathy  and 
his  readiness  to  do  all  he  could  in  her  cause. 

"  I  am  glad  you  do  not  take  up  against  me,"  said 

Clara.  "  This  man,  Mr.  R ,  is  from  the  South, 

and  is  very  rich,  and  father  looks  at  nothing  else. 
He  thinks  it  the  strangest  thing  in  the  world  that  I 
should  not  want  to  marry  him.  I  presume  he  is  a 
good  man  ;  but  I  carft  love  him ;  and  why  should 
I  be  compelled  to  marry  him  ?" 

"  I  would  not  be  compelled  to  marry  him," 
replied  Mr.  Mix,  growing  savage  at  the  old  man's 
cruelty.  "  Have  you  told  this  man  you  cannot  love 
him?" 

"  Yes,  time  and  again." 

"  And  still  he  persists  ?" 

"  Yes ;  he  and  father  are  together  all  the  time. 
He  seems  to  think  father  is  more  to  be  consulted 
than  I." 

"  Then  he  is  no  gentleman,  but  a  brute  ;"  said 
12 


266  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Mix,  waxing  warm  with  indignation.  "  He  ought 
to  be  tarred  and  feathered.  I  would  see  him  and 
the  whole  crew'  sink  before  I  would  sacrifice  myself 
to  such  a  miserable  old  wretch." 

"  He  is  here  now,"  said  Clara,  casting  a  terrified 
glance  towards  the  next  room.  "He  came  and  told 
father  he  must  have  an  answer  to-night.  He  says 
he  has  been  put  off  and  put  off,  and  won't  be  put 
off  any  longer.  That's  what  I  was  called  out  for. 
Father  is  very  much  excited,  and  threatens  doing 
everything  bad  he  can  think  of,  if  I  don't  consent ; 
and  the  man  is  very  angry  because  I  left  the  room. 
But  somehow  it  seemed  as  though  I  must  come  to 
you,  and  as  though  you  would  help  me  out  of  the 
difficulty  «  It  is  very  strange,  isn't  it  ?  And  you 
are  so  good  and  kind  to  me,  to  take  up  on  my  side, 
I  feel  as  though  I  had  a  strong  protector." 

"  I  will  take  up  on  your  side,  my  friend,"  replied 
Mix.  "I  will  not  allow  these  wretches  to  sacrifice 
you.  I  am  a  southerner  myself,  and  have  blood 
enough  to  fight  any  rascal  who  would  injure  you. 
I'll  go  to  this  man  and  tell  him  candidly  the  truth 
— that  you  do  not  love  him,  and  cannot  love  him, 
and  if  he  is  a  gentleman,  or  has  any  lingering 
spark  of  decency  in  him,  he  will  desist.  But  if  he 
persists,  I  will  tell  him  your  cause  is  mine,  and  if  lie 


MIX   IS    BOUND   TO    FIGHT.  267 

importunes  you  further,  lie  must  fight  or  be  posted 
as  a  coward.  That's  the  code  of  Chivalry." 

"  Oh,  dear  Mr.  Mix  !  don't  fight." 

"  But  I  have  taken  up  your  quarrel,  and  will 
carry  it  through  at  all  hazards,  as  a  matter  of  honor 
and  friendship.  Is  the  man  in  the  other  room 
now?" 

"Yes;  but"— 

"  I  will  see  him  at  once.  I  will  call  him  aside 
and  talk  it  over  coolly  and  candidly." 

"]$To!  no!  don't  do  that." 

"  But  I  will  do  it.  Come  with  me  or  remain,  as 
you  prefer."  And  so  saying  Mr.  Mix  went  directly 
to  the  next  room,  in  spite  of  the  frantic  efforts  of 
Clara  to  stop  him,  failing  in  which  she  let  him  go 
alone,  and  ran  off  up  stairs  sobbing. 

Mr.  Mix  entered  the  large  sitting-room  adjoin- 
ing the  parlor,  where  he  had  been  assured  this 
hard-hearted  southern  wretch  was,  at  that  moment, 
pressing  the  father  to  an  immediate  answer.  He 
was  quite  surprised  to  find  the  old  gentleman  alone, 
with  a  cigar  in  his  mouth,  quietly  reading  his  even- 
ing paper  in  gown  and  slippers. 

"  Good  evening,  Mr.  Mix,  take  a  seat,  sir,"  said 
the  old  gentleman  in  a  polite  and  friendly  manner. 

Mr.  Mix  was  a  good  deal  surprised,  but  com- 


268  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

plied  with  the  invitation. .  "Where  is  Mr.  E ?" 

he  inquired,  after  looking  about  in  vain  for  that 
gentleman  to  "  turn  up." 

"  Mr.  E ,  indeed,  sir,  I  don't  know,"  replied 

the  old  gentleman.  "  Has  Mr.  E been  here  ? 

I  have  not  the  honor  of  his  acquaintance." 

"  Ah,  I  was  a  little  mistaken,  I  suppose,"  replied 
Mix.  "  He  is  a  friend  of  mine,  and  I  thought  I 
heard  his  voice." 

"  It  was  probably  some  of  the  servants,"  rejoined 
the  father.  "  They  have  been  talking." 

"  Then  you  are  not  acquainted  with  my  friend 

Mr.  E ,"  resumed  Mix,  determined  to  find  if 

there  was  any  foundation  for  Clara's  melancholy 
story. 

"  No,  sir,  I  have  not  that  honor." 

"  He  is  a  very  fine  gentleman  from  my  part  of 
Yirginia.  I  suppose  you  have  some  prejudices 
against  southerners,  up  here  ?" 

"  Well,  as  to  that,  I  have  no  particular  preju- 
dices, one  way  or  the  other.  I  never  had  much 
acquaintance  South.  Indeed,  sir,  I  believe  you  are 
the  first  southerner  that  ever  visited  in  my  house, 
and  I  am  sure  I  should  have  no  quarrel  with  them 
if  they  are  all  as  gentlemanly  as  yourself,  although 
[  believe  slavery  is  a  great  sin." 


MR.  MIX   REFLECTS.  269 

Mr.  Mix  duly  acknowledged  the  compliment  to 
himself,  and  bade  the  old  gentleman  good  night. 
He  had  the  privilege  of  helping  himself  to  his  hat 
in  the  hall,  and  left  without  another  view  of  the 
persecuted  Clara,  under  the  impression  that  his 
chivalric  demonstration  in  her  behalf  was  quite  un- 
called for,  and  that  the  young  lady's  plan  to  draw 
him  into  an  immediate  proposal  of  marriage,  was 
quite  ingenious,  but  rather  overdone. 


CHAPTER   XXYIII. 

The  Trials  and  Triumphs  of  Mr.  Patrick  McGrath — Squatter  Sover- 
eignty in  New  York — The  Feud  of  the  O'Fynns  and  the  O'Dono- 
hues — How  Mrs.  O'Fynn  demolished  Doors — A  Demijohn  of 
Whisky  is  stolen — The  terrible  Engagement  to  which  it  led — 
The  Belligerents  cooled  off  with  boiling  Water — Another  Wed- 
ding. 

THE  iipper  portion  of  New  York  Island,  as  all  the 
world  knows,  is  very  stony ;  and  numerous  repre- 
sentatives of  the  Emerald  Isle,  exercising  the  unde- 
fined prerogatives  of  squatter  sovereigns,  have,  like 
the  wise  man,  built  their  shanties  upon  a  rock,  and 
there,  safely  domiciled  with  their  wives,  children 
and  pigs,  bid  open  defiance  to  the  owners  of  the 
granite  foundations  of  their  homes. 

Among  those  squatter  sovereigns,  Daniel  O'Don- 
nell  occupies  a  firm  position ;  and  in  the  house  of 
Daniel  O'Donnell,  a  few  months  since,  lived  Pa- 
trick McGrath,  a  young  man  who  was  born  in  Ire- 
land, but  came  to  this  country  to  seek  his  fortunes ; 
and  finding  his  cousin  O'Donnell  exercising  the 
profession  to  which  he  had  himself  been  bred,  to 


MR.  MCGRATH   IS   CRUEL.  271 

wit,  that  of  a  hod-carrier,  was  very  glad  to  take 
board  in  his  family,  and  with  him  "abide  the  chances 
of  getting  work ;  and  it  affords  us  great  pleasure  to 
record  that  in  this  he  was  highly  successful. 

Mr.  McGrath  possessed  qualities  which  won  the 
admiration  of  the  young  ladies  who  dwelt  on  the 
surrounding  rocks ; 

"  For  Pat  was  a  broth  of  a  boy, 
And  a  broth  of  a  boy  was  he." 

Nevertheless,  when  Mr.  McGrath  decided  to  get 
married,  he  caused  no  little  jealousy  and  dissatisfac- 
tion, by  summarily  throwing  overboard  the  entire 
army  of  admirers  with  whom  he  had  exchanged 
many  tender  glances,  and  by  going  to  a  matrimo- 
nial office  up  town,  kept  by  one  of  his  country- 
women. 

At  the  matrimonial  office,  Mr.  McGrath  was  in- 
troduced to  Jane  O'Fynn,  the  daughter  of  James 
O'Fynn,  ditch-digger,  who  occupies  the  second 
story  of  a  brick  house  near  50th  street,  Mr.  O'Do- 
nohue  and  family  occupying  the  first  floor. 

It  is  well  known  that  unhappy  differences  have 
long  divided  this  house  against  itself,  and  arrayed 
the  inhabitants  of  the  first  and  second  floors  in 
deadly  feud. 


272  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

The  causes  of  these  differences  are  manifold.  In 
the  first  place,  it  is  evident  to  every  impartial  per- 
son, that  the  hall  is  necessary  to  both  families,  and 
that  both  are  entitled  to  equal  rights  therein ;  for  if 
the  O'Fynns  cannot  get  into  the  hall  they  cannot 
mount  the  stairs,  and  their  apartments  on  the  second 
floor  become  of  very  little  use  indeed.  It  is  equally 
evident  that  the  hall  is  necessary  to  Mr.  O'Dono- 
hue  and  family,  being  the  only  way  of  ingress  and 
egress  to  and  from  the  street. 

But  while  impartial  persons  must  and  will  admit 
the  necessity  of  making  the  hall  neutral  ground, 
where  the  rights  of  both  families  shall  be  equally  re- 
spected, the  O'Fynns  and  the  O'Donohues  both  at- 
tempted to  gain  exclusive  possession  and  use  thereof. 

Mr.  O'Donohue  forbade  Mr.  O'Fynn  and  all  his 
family  the  use  of  the  hall ;  and  Mr.  O'Fynn  for- 
bade Mr.  O'Donohue  and  Ms  family  the  use  of  the 
hall.  Mr.  O'Donohue,  to  enforce  his  authority,  had 
the  hall-door  locked  behind  him,  when  he  went  to 
his  business  one  morning,  and  told  Mrs.  O'Donohue 
to  put  the  key  in  her  pocket,  and  not  take  it  out 
until  he  or  his  son  got  home.  But  during  the  day 
Mrs.  O'Fynn  wanted  to  go  into  the  street,  which 
led  to  a  demand  on  her  part  for  the  key,  which 
Mrs.  O'Donohue  refused ;  whereupon  the  two  fell 


A   FEMALE  TUSSEL.  273 

to  fighting  in  the  absence  of  their  husbands,  and 
had  a  vigorous  battle  of  an  hour's  duration.  The 
result,  however,  was  not  decisive,  except  that  Mrs. 
O'Donohue  succeeded  in  keeping  the  key  securely 
in  her  pocket ;  and  Mrs.  O'Fynn,  despairing  of  get- 
ting it  by  force  or  otherwise,  went  to  the  yard  and 
got  a  broad-axe,  with  "which  she  demolished  the 
door  in  the  space  of  eighteen  seconds,  declaring  she 
would  serve  Mr.  O'Donohue  in  the  same  way,  if  he 
ever  locked  her  in  again. 

Owing  to  this  and  various  other  occurrences,  of 
equal  public  importance,  but  which  we  have  not 
the  space  fully  to  record  in  this  volume — as  they  in 
fact,  would  of  themselves  form  a  volume — the  rela- 
tions of  the  two  families  were  of  a  hostile  nature  at 
the  time  Mr.  McGrath  was  introduced  as  a  suitor 
for  the  hand  of  Jane  O'Fynn ;  and  on  the  occasion 
of  his  first  visit  to  Jane,  as  he  was  leaving  the 
house,  a  small  boy  belonging  to  the  hostile  party, 
attempted  to  trip  him  up  ;  whereupon  he  took  the 
offending  juvenile  by  the  collar  and  stuck  him  into 
a  mud-hole  near  by.  This  was  regarded  as  a  decla- 
ration of  war — an  actual  commencement  of  hos- 
tilities; and  from  that  day  forth  the  feeling 
between  Patrick  and  the  O'Donohues  was  warlike 
in  the  extreme. 

12* 


271  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Mr.  McGrath,  however,  made  rapid  progress  in 
his  courtship  ;  and  a  few  days  before  the  wedding, 
it  was  resolved  to  cement  the  bonds  of  good  fellow- 
ship by  a  quantity  of  whisky  punch,  an  article  in 
the  compounding  of  which  Mr.  McGrath  believed 
he  stood  unrivalled. 

The  necessary  ingredients  were  accordingly 
obtained,  the  water  was  put  on  the  stove,  and  the 
family  forgot  their  cares  and  quarrels  in  anticipa- 
tion of  a  delightful  carouse. 

But  the  evil  eyes  of  Mr.  O'Donohue  were  upon 
them,  even  in  this  hour  of  happiness ;  and  that 
gentleman,  watching  his  opportunity  when  the 
backs  of  all  were  turned,  slipped  in  unobserved, 
and  carried  off  the  demijohn  of  whisky,  which, 
unluckily,  stood  near  the  door. 

The  discovery  of  this  foul  robbery,  a  few  minutes 
afterwards,  suddenly  changed  the  delightful  antici- 
pations of  the  party  to  consternation  and  rage. 
They  knew  at  once  who  had  perpetrated  the  lar- 
ceny ;  and  all  agreed  that  the  property  must  be 
recovered,  and  the  insults  paid  back. 

Mr.  O'Donohue  had  a  son  grown  to  manhood, 
who  lived  a't  home,  besides  the  small  O'Donohue 
already  referred  to.  Mr.  OTynn  had  no  son,  but, 
with  Mr.  McGrath,  could  match  him  in  numbers, 


MR.  O'DONOIIUE  is  BELEAGURED.  275 

as  Jane,  it  was  believed,  was  more  than  equal  to 
disposing  of  the  juvenile,  and  Mrs.  O'Fynn  claimed 
to  have  whipped  Mrs.  O'Donohue  in  the  memorable 
struggle  for  the  key. 

In  about  thirty  seconds  after  the  discovery  of 
the  robbery,  Mr.  O'Fynn's  army  inarched  upon 
the  fortress  of  O'Donohue.  It  consisted  of  his 
entire  force,  male  and  female.  Mr.  O'Donohue, 
however,  was  not  found  unprepared.  He  had 
fastened  his  door;  but  Mrs.  O'Fynn,  in  double 
quick  time,  brought  the  overpowering  broad-axe, 
and  it  was  levelled  to  the  ground  at  a  single  stroke, 
and  the  invading  host  entered  the  enemy's  camp. 
Then  there  was  a  pause,  like  the  fatal  lull  of  the 
tempest  before  its  most  terrible  and  destructive 
outbreak. 

"  What  do  ye  want,  gintlemen?"  asked  Mr. 
O'Donohue,  at  the  same  time  displaying  a  shillalah 
of  fearful  dimensions. 

"  A  praty  question  for  ye  to  ask,  ye  black- 
guard, ye  thafe  !"  replied  Mr.  O'Fynn.  "  What 
should  we  be  afther  wanting  but  the  whasky,  ye 
thafe  ?" 

"  What  whasky 's  that  ye're  spakin'-uv,  ye  black- 
guard?1' said  Mr.  O'Donohue,  who  still  confined 
his  remarks  to  the  interrogatory  form. 


276  MATRIMONIAL   BEOKEEAGE. 

"The  whasky  you  stole,  thafe!"  replied  Mr. 
O'Fynn. 

"Ye  lie!"  sliouted  Mr.  O'Donohue,  for  the  first 
time  assuming  the  positive  style  of  conversation. 

"This  speech  was  the  signal  for  the  grand 
encounter.  Mr.  O'Fynn  and  Mr.  O'Donohue,  each 
simultaneously  wielded  his  ponderous  shillalah 
in  the  air,  and  let  it  descend  full  upon  the  body 
of  his  antagonist,  while  the  son  of  the  latter  grap- 
pled with  the  stalwart  and  soon-to-be-married 
Patrick  McGrath ;  and  the  females  commenced  abus- 
ing each  other  with  the  tongue,  not  being  prepared 
for  battle  without  a  dispute  to  warm  the  blood. 

The  struggle  between  Mr.  O'Fynn  and  Mr. 
O'Donohue  was  of  short  duration.  The  latter 
soon  worsted  his  antagonist  so  much  that  he  quite 
abandoned  the  club,  and  getting  astride  of  him, 
applied  his  fists  to  his  face  with  something  of  the 
unction  which  inspired  Morrissey,  when  he  pum- 
melled the  Benicia  Boy. 

It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  the  devoted  and 
affectionate  Mrs.  O'Fynn  could  stand  idle  and  see 
her  husband  pounded  to  mincemeat  before  her 
eyes.  She  therefore  seized  the  weapon  which  Mr. 
O'Donohue  had  let  fall,  and  gave  that  worthy  gen- 
tleman a  blow  which  sent  him  headlong  to  the 


A   SCALDING   BAPTISM.  277 

floor,  and  inflicted  a  cut  in  the  side  of  his  head,  from 
which  the  blood  poured  out,  clotting  the  hair  and 
covering  the  face. 

"  Murther !"  screamed  Mrs.  O'Donohue.  "  Mur- 
ther!  yeVe  kilt  me  hoosband!"  and  with  this 
assertion  she  charged  Mrs.  O'Fynn  with  a  chair, 
in  such  energetic  style  that  the  latter  soon  fell 
prostrate  on  the  field. 

These  proceedings  had  caused  a  brief  suspension 
of  hostilities  between  the  belligerent  young  men, 
each  of  whom  had  his  hands  full,  and  they  now 
rushed  to  the  assistance  of  their  friends. 

While  they  were  struggling  together  in  a  wild 
heap  of  confusion,  the  juvenile  O'Donohue,  who, 
up  to  this  time  had  remained  an  inactive  spectator 
of  the  scene,  seized  by  a  sudden  emotion  of  patriot- 
ism, rushed  to  the  stove,  and  taking  the  kettle  of 
water  which  was  heating  for  the  punch,  to  be  com- 
pounded of  the  stolen  whisky,  and  which  by  this 
time  was  boiling,  and  threw  the  scalding  contents 
full  upon  the  struggling  host,  without  reference  to 
friend  or  foe. 

It  may  appear  strange  that  boiling  water  should 
cool  off  a  party  of  excited  men ;  but  such  was  the 
case.  They  all  stopped,  as  indeed  they  had  reason 
to ;  for  one  had  blisters  on  his  face,  another  on  his 


278  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

hands,  another  on  the  back,  etc.,  and  the  battle 
ceased  by  universal  consent. 

It  was  found  that  in  the  conflict  the  disputed 
demijohn  had  been  upset,  and  its  inspiring  contents 
offered  up  on  the  shrine  of  Mars.  There  was,  con- 
sequently, nothing  more  to  fight  about,  and  Mr. 
O'Fynn  and  his  army  of  occupation  retired  to  the 
second  floor,  to  discuss  the  events  of  the  evening. 

Next  day  Mr.  O'Donohue  had  Mr.  O'Fynn 
arrested  for  assault  and  battery,  and  in  about  a 
week  the  case  canie  up  in  Special  Sessions,  known 
also  as  the  "Poor  Man's  Court,"  the  same  in  which 
the  versatile  Joseph  answered  for  rifling  the  money 
drawer. 

Mr.  O'Donohue  swore  that  while  engaged  in  a 
peaceable  manner  in  the  duties  of  the  household, 
Mr.  O'Fynn  broke  into  his  room  with  a  gang,  and 
assaulted  him,  inflicting  divers  dangerous  wounds, 
which  compelled  him  to  have  his  head  done  up  in 
the  manner  the  court  saw  it.  Being  asked  what 
instrument  Mr.  O'Fynn  used,  he  swore  that  it  was 
a  slung-shot,  and  that  there  was  a  hole  in  the  side 
of  his  head  so  large  that  one  might  lay  two  fingers 
in  it.  The  opposing  lawyer  denied  that  there  was 
any  wound  on  his  head,  and  insisted  that  he  should 
take  off  the  bandage,  which  excited  Mr.  O'Donohue 


MR.  O'DOXOHUE'S  BANDAGED  HEAD.          279 

so  much,  the  court  thought  there  must  be  some- 
thing in  it,  and  made  him  remove  the  bandage, 
when  it  was  discovered  that  there  was  only  a  slight 
scratch,  as  Mrs.  O'Fynn's  blow  had  resulted  in  no 
other  mischief  than  a  small  loss  of  blood. 

Mr.  O'Donohue  sustained  his  evidence  by  the 
testimony  of  his  entire  family ;  but  when  the  wit- 
nesses for  the  defence,  including  Mr.  McGrath,  were 
called,  they  all  swore  as  positively  the  reverse,  and 
made  it  out  that  Mr.  O'Donohue  struck  the  first 
blow.  They  also  related  the  stealing  of  the  punch 
— a  fact  which  Mr.  O'Donohue  and  his  witnesses 
had  entirely  overlooked. 

The  judge  remarked  that  the  two  families  had 
often  been  in  court  before,  and  had  a  habit  of  swear- 
ing directly  against  each  other,  wrhich  was  really  in- 
tolerable ;  said  there  seemed  to  be  nothing  in  the 
case,  and  he  should  dismiss  it,  and  intimated  that 
if  the  parties  ever  troubled  him  with  their  miser- 
able brawls  again,  he  would  send  the  whole  gang 
to  Blackwell's  Island  as  disorderly  characters. 

Mr.  McGrath  did  not  allow  these  quarrels  to  in- 
terrupt his  courtship,  which  he  pursued  with  com- 
mendable perseverance. 

As  we  have  not  had  the  gratification  of  recording 
a  wedding,  since  that  of  the  renowned  German  in 


280  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE, 

the  fifth  chapter,  we  take  pleasure  in  saying  that 
Patrick  McGrath  and  Jane  O'Fynn  were  married  a 
few  days  after  the  occurrences  related;  and  that 
Mr.  McGrath  now  resides  on  a  rock,  among  the 
squatter  sovereigns  of  the  upper  end  of  New  York 
Island.  May  his  wedded  life  be  more  prosperous 
than  that  of  Mr.  Altkopf. 


CHAPTEK    XXIX. 

The  advantages  of  knowing  German— Mr.  Black's  Adventure  with  a 
Maid  from  Faderland — A  very  fine  Scheme  is  discussed  in  his 
presence,  which  he  has  the  good  fortune  to  understand. 

A  YOUNG  American  of  this  city,  wlio  had  acquired 
some  knowledge  of  the  German  language,  saw  an 
advertisement  that  a  young  and  accomplished  Ger- 
man lady  desired  to  form  the  acquaintance  of  an 
intelligent  and  appreciating  gentleman,  with  a  view 
to  matrimony.  He  answered  it,  and  received  a  re- 
ply inviting  him  to  meet  the  advertiser  at  a  certain 
matrimonial  office  on  the  west  side  of  the  town,  the 
next  Sunday  afternoon. 

He  went,  and  found  her  very  good-looking,  and 
well-dressed,  and  although  he  had  from  the  first 
supposed  her  a  humbug,  was  at  a  loss  to  determine 
her  aims  ;  but  he  was  not  long  left  in  doubt. 

She  was  accompanied  by  a  young  girl  who  was 
dressed  like  a  child,  but  whom  he  thought  older 
than  her  costume  indicated. 

"Sprechen  Sie  Deutsch?"  said  the  young  lady. 
But  Mr.  Black  determined  to  feign  ignorance  of  the 

231 


282  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

language  in  which  she  addressed  him,  thinking  it 
might  lead  to  some  interesting  developments.  He 
therefore  asked  her  the  meaning  of  what  she  had 
said. 

"  Oh,  you  don't  speak  German,  then  ?  I  only 
asked  you  if  you  speak  it ;  but  as  you  do  not,  we 
will  converse  in  English  ;  and  this  little  girl  here 
will  not  understand  a  word  of  it,  so  you  need  feel 
no  embarrassment  on  her  account." 

She  then  turned  to  the  little  girl,  and  said,  in 
German : 

"  Look  out,  girl,  and  not  speak  a  word  of  English, 
nor  seem  to  understand  a  word  that  is  said." 

"I  won't,"  answered  the  juvenile. 

Mr.  Black  praised  the  language  and  literature  of 
Germany,  expressed  great  regret  that  he  had  not 
had  better  opportunity  to  study  them,  asked  his 
new  friend's  opinion  of  Goethe  and  Schiller, 
and  found  she  discussed  those  authors  in  a  man- 
ner which  displayed  considerable  familiarity  with 
them. 

But  in  the  midst  of  the  conversation  she  would 
often  address  her  young  companion,  and  the 
substance  of  the  conversation  carried  on  between 
them  at  different  times,  was  as  follows  : 

Young  lady. — You  see  by  this  man's  dress  and 


AN  ENTERTAINING  DIALOGUE.         283 

conversation,  lie  must  have  money.  There  are  a 
gold  jwatcli  and  chain,  worth  I  presume  a  hundred 
dollars.  Look  at  his  gold  buttons  and  studs ;  see 
what  an  elegant  cravat  and  diamond  on  it. 

Girl. — Yes,  and  he  is  not  very  strong,  and  I  be- 
lieve you  can  easily  get  him  to  go  with  you.  You 
see  he  loves  poetry.  Talk  with  him  about  that, 
and  finally  ask  him  to  go  with  you  and  see  your 
books. 

Young  ladij. — I  will  manage  that  part  of  it  well 
enough.  All  I  want  of  you  is  to  follow  my  instruc- 
tions. 

Girl. — You'd  better  contrive  to  find  out  if  he's 
got  any  money  about  him  now. 

This  conversation  was  perfectly  intelligible  to 
Mr.  Black,  who  was  at  a  loss  whether  to  be  more 
indignant  or  amused  at  the  scheme  which  his  new 
female  friends  were  discussing,  under  the  impres- 
sion that  it  was  all  Greek  to  him 

It  was  in  the  winter  season,  and  night  soon  came 
on.  The  girl  suggested  to  the  young  lady  it  was 
time  to  bring  matters  to  a  crisis. 

The  young  lady  then  began  to  discuss  a  robbery 
which  she  had  been  reading  in  one  of  the  papers, 
and  to  remark  on  the  danger  of  carrying  money 
about  one,  especially  in  the  night.  Black,  under- 


284  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

standing  perfectly  the  drift  of  her  remarks,  facili- 
tated her  progress  in  knowledge,  by  saying  he 
never  had  thought  of  such  a  thing  as  being  robbed, 
and  never  carried  less  than  a  hundred  or  two  hun- 
dred dollars  with  him.  "  In  fact,"  said  he,  "  I 
believe  I  have  three  hundred  or  more  with  me  to- 
night." 

"  But  you  go  armed  of  course,"  said  the  young 
lady. 

"  Oh,  no  ;  I  never  carried  weapons  in  my  life  ; 
nothing  more  than  a  jack-knife,"  said  he,  laughing. 

"But  I  should  think  you  would  be  afraid  of 
being  robbed." 

"  No — oh  no ;  I  never  was  molested  yet,  and  I've 
been  around  New  York  at  all  hours." 

The  two  females  regarded  each  other  with  lively 
satisfaction. 

"  You  have  a  great  love  for  poetry,  I  see," 
said  the  young  lady,  abruptly  changing  the  sub- 
ject. 

"I  am  an  admirer  of  poetry  and  art,"  replied 
Black. 

"  I  am  always  delighted  to  make  the  acquaint- 
ance of  such  persons ;  and  although  I  never,  of 
course,  ask  strangers  to  my  home,  I  feel  that  our 
love  of  the  poets  and  painters  makes  us  old  friends. 


THE   LITTLE   GIKL's   EEEAND.  285 

I  have  a  collection  of  the  poets  and  of  paintings, 
in  which  I  take  more  pride,  perhaps,  than  they 
warrant ;  but  I  have  spent  all  my  life  in  collecting 
and  studying  them,  both  in  Germany  and  in  this 
country;  and  it  would  give  me  great  pleasure,  I 
assure  yon,  sir,  whatever  may  be  the  result  of  this 
singular  acquaintance,  to  have  you  look  them  over." 

"  You  do  me  great  honor,  madam,"  replied 
Black. 

"  "Would  it  please  you  to  walk  over  this  evening, 
Mr.  Black  P 

"  Nothing,  I  assure  you,  would  afford  me  greater 
pleasure." 

Exchanging  significant  glances  with  her  com- 
panion, the  young  lady  said  to  her : 

"  You  see  now  that  everything  is  ready.  Hurry 
back  as  soon  as  you  can,  and  tell  Tom  and  Bill  he 
has  got  $300  and  a  gold  watch,  and  is  not  armed. 
1  will  start  out  in  just  forty  minutes.  They  must 
hurry  down  to street,  there  by  the  new  build- 
ing and  vacant  lot.  As  we  pass  they  will  attack 
us,  and  I  will  faint  away.  They  can  soon  rob  him, 
and  I  shall  know  nothing  about  them,  of  course. 
Now  hurry  as  fast  as  you  can.  It  is  just  ten 
minutes  past  five,  and  at  six  precisely  I  shall 
start." 


286  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

The  girl  departed,  according  to  orders ;  and  tho 
young  lady,  turning  to  Black,  said : 

"  I  have  sent  her  home  in  advance  to  have  a  fire 

built  in  the  library.  I  wish  to  see  Mrs. a  few 

moments,  and  beg  to  be  excused." 

She  was  gone  near  half  an  hour,  returned,  and 
after  conversing  a  few  minutes,  looked  at  her 
watch  and  said  the  library  would  be  ready  by  the 
time  they  got  there,  and  if  he  was  willing  they 
would  go. 

"  1st  es  schon  sechs  Uhr  ?"  said  Black,  looking 
at  his  watch.  "  Sie  haben  dem  kleinen  Madchen 
versprochen  um  sechs  Uhr  auszugehen.  Hat  es 
Zeit  gehabt  mit  Ihren  Freunden  Tom  und  Bill  zu 
sprechen  ?" 

The  astonishment  and  dismay  of  the  commander 
of  Ticonderoga,  when  Ethan  Allen  burst  into  his 
sleeping  apartment,  and  v  demanded  the  surrender 
of  the  fortress,  was  not  more  complete  than  that  of 
the  German  beauty,  when  Mr.  Black  opened  upon 
her  the  above  volley  of  German,  showing  her  not 
only  that  he  could  speak  the  language,  but  that  he 
understood  the  scheme  of  robbery  which  had  been 
discussed  in  his  presence. 

"  You  told  me  you  did  not  speak  German,"  she 
finally  stammered,  after  a  long  pause. 


A    SPEECHLESS    MAIDEN.  287 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  madam,  I  did  not  say  so. 
You  took  it  for  granted ;  and  you  probably  see 
now  that  I  understood  all  the  conversation  between 
you  and  that  girl.  I  must  be  excused  from  paying 
my  respects  to  your  friends  Tom  and  Bill,  in  the 
new  building,  to-night,  and  I  wish  you  good  even- 


ing." 


Mr.  Black  received  no  reply  from  the  young 
lady,  who  was,  indeed,  quite  speechless  with 
chagrin,  and  he  left  her  to  contemplate  her  books 
and  paintings  at  her  leisure. 


CHAPTEE   XXX. 

Physicians  and  their  Love  Secrets — Dr.  Bland— His  Promises,  and 
how  they  are  fulfilled — How  to  become  Invisible — How  to  win  the 
Obstinate,  etc.,  etc. — The  Mayor  stops  the  Doctor's  Letters — 
The  Doctor  is  Arrested— He  admits  that  he  is  a  Humbug. 

THERE  are  numerous  pretended  physicians  in  this 
city,  who  claim  to  possess  charms  that  will  "  gain 
the  lasting  affection  of  the  opposite  sex."  Those 
who  have  wooed  in  vain,  have  but  to  practise  the 
arts  they  teach,  and  all  obstacles  will  disappear. 

The  deceptions  of  these  quacks  are  so  transpa- 
rent that  none  but  the  most  ignorant  are  victim- 
ized. Their  claims  are  mere  advertisements  for 
worthless,  if  not  injurious  mixtures,  which,  under 
pretence  of  miraculous  powers,  they  sell  to  the  cre- 
dulous at  exorbitant  prices. 

Dr.  R.  Bland,  whose  business  is  carried  on  in  a 
small  room  on  the  fourth  floor,  in  Nassau  street, 
and  who  resides  in  Thirteenth  street,  has  not  been 
excelled  by  his  competitors,  either  in  the  magni- 
ficence of  his  promises,  or  his  failure  to  fulfill 
them. 

233 


WISDOM   AND   ENTERTAINMENT.  289 

He  has  published  and  sent  over  the  country  a 
small  sheet,  called  the  The  New  York  Journal,  in 
which  he  has  heralded  the  fictitious  fame  of  his 
arts,  and  the  glory  of  his  pretended  achieve- 
ments, 

A  large  portion  of  this  sheet  is  devoted  to  the 
advertisement  of  a  twenty-five  cent  book,  of  which 
he  is  the  author,  and  which,  according  to  the 
announcement,  is  the  most  valuable  work  ever 
published.  It  not  only  teaches  the  entire  art  of 
beauty,  courtship,  and  marriage,  but  scores  of 
things  as  wild  and, wonderful  as  ever  entered  the 
brain  of  an  oriental  dreamer. 

The  modest  title  of  this  precious  volume  is  as 
follows : 

"  The  Secret  Clue  to  Courtship,  Love,  and  Marriage,  and  the 
Road  to  Health,  Wealth,  Fame,  and  Honor. — This  book  shows  how 
the  single  of  both  sexes  may  secure  wedded  bliss ;  how  love  may 
be  won  by  all ;  how  the  homely  may  be  made  handsome ;  tho 
ignorant  wise ;  the  diffident  courageous,  and  the  sick  healthful.  It 
explains,  in  a  distinct  manner,  comprehensible  to  all,  how  the 
manners,  deportment,  and  personal  appearance  of  everybody, 
favored  or  otherwise  by  nature,  can  be  made  charming,  fascinat- 
ing, and  the  envy  of  the  public.  It  shows,  also,  how  poverty, 
wretchedness,  and  suffering  may  be  averted,  by  giving  plans  by 
which  thousands  of  the  old  and  young  of  both  sexes  can  find 
employment,  and  gain  riches.  Replete  with  wisdom  and  enter- 
tainment." 

13 


290  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

In  the  advertisement  of  the  book  are  specified 
numerous  extraordinary  arts  it  teaches,  from  which 
we  select  the  following  specimens : 

"  How  to  beautify  a  woman,  to  make  her  face  look  pale,  or  full  of 
pimples,  or  to  change  her  whole  appearance  altogether,  or  as  desired. 

"  How  to  render  fences,  posts,  siding  of  buildings,  roofs,  etc.,  to 
last  one  hundred  years,  and  then  present  no  appearance  of  age  or 
wear. 

"  How  to  extract  gold  out  of  all  dirt,  sand,  gravel,  etc.,  by  a 
new,  chemical,  and  very  cheap  process. 

"  How,  after  the  manner  of  mushrooms,  to  raise  abundant  crops 
of  grass  and  clover,  without  seed. 

"  How  a  common  hen's  egg  may  be  made  to  grott  larger  than  a 
man's  head. 

"  The  whole  secret  of  love  and  beauty ;  also  how  to  be  hand- 
some. How  to  win  the  lasting  affection  of  the  opposite  sex. 

"How  to  make  a  charm  against  judges  and  juries,  etc. 

"  To  know  what  your  future  wife  or  husband  is  to  be. 

"  How  to  make  a  matrimonial,  or  love-letter  charm. 

"  How  to  know  when  a  person  will  be  married. 

"  How  to  court  an  American  woman,  a  French  woman,  a  red- 
haired  woman,  a  German  woman,  an  Irish  woman,  an  English 
woman,  a  Spanish  woman,  a  quadroon,  a  Quakeress. 

"  The  whole  art  of  courtship,  love  and  marriage. 

"  How  to  make  whiskers  grow  on  boys  or  men  at  any  age,  and 
of  exceeding  beauty. 

"  How  to  draw  lucky  numbers  in  lotteries,  and  be  successful  in 
all  games  of  chance. 

"  How  to  obtain  a  knowledge  by  the  use  of  which  we  can  foretell 
all  things  to  come. 


THE  DOCTOR   IN   VENICE.  291 

"  How,  by  the  use  of  pepper,  to  dry  up  the  human  body. 

"  How  to  increase  the  weight  and  measure  of  wheat,  rice,  rye, 
one-third ;  also  spices,  coffee,  etc. 

"  How  to  make  all  the  hair  on  the  head,  whiskers,  eyebrows, 
etc.,  to  fall  off. 

"  To  cause  a  room  to  appear  all  on  fire,  awful  to  behold. 

"  How  to  eat  and  handle  fire  without  harm. 

"  How  to  roast  chickens,  fish,  meat,  etc.,  without  fire. 

"  How  to  cook  a  fowl  and  still  have  him  alive. 

"  How  to  become  invisible,  so  that  one  may  enter  a  store  or 
house  when  full  of  people,  and  carry  off  any  number  of  things, 
without  being  seen. 

"How  to  make  one  dollar  appear  like,  and  be  satisfactorily 
received  as  two  dollars." 

The  public  will  surely  be  indebted  to  the  writer, 
if  he  gives  them  a  correct  idea  of  a  book  which 
teaches  so  many  invaluable  arts.  It  cannot  be 
doubted  but  all  would  at  times,  find  it  convenient 
to  make  one  dollar  go  for  two  dollars;  and  the 
faculty  of  becoming  invisible  would  be  of  great 
utility,  especially  to  those  who  are  troubled  with 
scolding  wives,  creditors,  or  sheriffs.  As  tin's 
appears  to  be  one  of  the  most  miraculous  of  the 
gifts  which  the  celebrated  doctor  teaches,  we  copy 
that  portion  of  the  book  relating  to  it : 

"  When  I  last  had  occasion  to  visit  Venice — for,  with  ByroD,  I 

can  say, 

" '  I  stood  in  Venice  on  the  Bridge  of  Sighs, 

A  palace  and  a  prison  on  each  hand,'— 


292  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEKAGE. 

I  noticed  that  many  persons,  who  had  an  excellent  education, 
dressed  and  lived  well,  and  mixed  in  good  society,  were  known  to 
be  without  property.  They  had  incomes,  I  was  told,  but  no  estates. 
A  great  many  of  these  people  would  disappear  from  sight  a  day 
or  two  in  the  week,  and  nobody  knew  where  they  went.  In  fact, 
this  thing  was  so  generally  practised,  that  none  of  the  Venetians, 
from  being  used  to  it,  paid  any  attention  to  the  matter.  Being  a 
stranger,  it  naturally  attracted  my  notice,  and  finally  excited  my 
curiosity,  vastly.  I  am  of  a  very  inquisitive  turn  of  mind,  as  my 
readers,  no  doubt,  are  aware  by  this  time.  To  learn  everything 
that  is  worth  knowing,  has  been  my  motto  through  life ;  and  I 
almost  feel  like  welcoming  death  for  the  sake  of  penetrating  the 
mysteries  of  the  world  of  spirits. 

"  In  the  house  where  I  lived,  was  an  Adonis  of  a  fellow  who  had 
fine  apartments,  and  who  enjoyed  all  the  creature  comforts  avail- 
able in  the  city  of  the  Adriatic.  He  dressed  superbly,  always  had 
money,  and  lived  altogether  as  well  as  many  a  small  continental 
prince ;  but  I  was  told  that  he  did  not  possess  a  ducat's  worth  of 
property. 

"'Was  he  an  opera  singer?'  I  asked.  'No.'  'A  musician?' 
'No.'  'An  author?'  'No.'  'A  politician?'  'No.'  'A  govern- 
ment spy  ?'  '  No.'  '  A  gambler  ?'  '  No,  no,  no.' 

"  Well,  what  could  he  be,  then  ?  I  thought,  and  asked  myself  the 
question  a  thousand  times.  Surely  he  had  not  discovered  the  phi- 
losopher's stone,  or  found  a  gold  mine!  His  money  must  come 
from  somewhere,  there  was  no  denying  that !  I  observed  that  he, 
too,  was  missing  two  days  every  week,  and  that  none  of  my  fellow 
lodgers  (several  of  them  had  their  days  of  disappearance  also) 
chose  to  know  or  suspect  anything  of  the  nature  of  the  business 
that  occupied  his  attention  during  those  curious  days. 

"  I  cultivated  his  acquaintance,  and  after  a  while  succeeded  in 


THE   AKT   OF   BECOMING    INVISIBLE.  293 

gaining  his  confidence.  Finally,  I  ventured,  in  a  delicate  manner, 
to  introduce  the  subject  of  his  absence  from  his  outside  haunts  for 
two  days  out  of  every  week — speaking  of  it  in  a  playful  way,  and 
.skillfully  alluding  to  the  fact  that  I  was  a  stranger,  which  accounted 
for  my  inquisitiveness.  He  seemed  disconcerted  at  first,  but  in 
a  few  moments  recovered  his  affability  and  equanimity  of  tem- 
per, and  promised  to  satisfy  my  curiosity  at  his  earliest  conveni- 
ence. 

"  About  a  week  after  this  conversation  was  held,  he  said  to  me 
with  a  serious  air  : 

"  '  To-morrow  I  vanish  again.' 

"  'And  the  reasons?'  I  begun. 

"'Shall  be  made  known  to  you  then.  At  what  time  do  you 
rise  y 

"  *  With  the  sun,'  I  answered. 

"  *  At  sunrise,  then,  I  will  knock  at  the  door  of  your  chamber. 
You  will  be  dressed  ?' 

"  '  Are  we  to  go  out  then  ?'  I  asked. 

"  '  Oh,  no ;  you  need  not  take  off  your  robe  de  chambre?  he  replied 
with  a  smile. 

"  lie  was  at  my  door  next  morning  at  the  appointed  time,  and  it 
is  perhaps  needless  to  say,  that  I  was  '  up  and  dressed,'  waiting  to 
receive  him.  In  silence  he  conducted  me  to  his  own  apartments, 
entered  with  me,  and  after  carefully  securing  us  from  interruption 
by  the  aid  of  bolts  and  bars,  bade  me  be  seated.  Taking  a  seat 
beside  me,  he  said  : 

"  '  You  see,  signer,  every  man  has  his  secret.  Mine  is  life, 
wealth,  everything  to  me.  I  am  the  younger  son  of  a  noble  family, 
the  heads  of  which  died  in  poverty,  leaving  me  nothing  but  an  ex- 
cellent education  and  a  robust  constitution.  I  found  it  necessary 
to  earn  money,  in  order  that  I  might  not  starve,  and  I  was  deter- 


294:  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

mined  to  do  so  without  sullying  my  family  name,  by  becoming  a 
shopman  or  a  recognized  mechanic.  I  also  made  up  my  mind  to 
avoid  continuous,  vulgar  labor ;  in  short,  I  settled  with  myself  to 
live  like  a  gentleman,  as  a  man  of  my  birth  ought  to  do.  Perse- 
verance will  accomplish  anything,  mon  cher  ami.  After  repeated 
failures,  I  hit  upon  a  plan  by  which  I  am  enabled  to  do  all  this  and 
more.  Look  here.' 

"  He  then  arose  from  his  seat,  and  pulled  what  appeared  to  me  to  be 
a  damask  table-cloth,  spread  over  an  ordinary  table,  away  from  where 
it  was  lying,  and  revealed  a  neat  stand,  with  drawers,  etc.  Upon 
this  stand  were  lying,  in  various  stages  of  preparation,  a  number 
of  plates  of  glass.  I  approached  and  examined  them.  I  had  the 
secret  of  the  Venetian's  income  at  once.  lie  was  an  etcher  and 
engraver  on  glass.  The  art,  he  assured  me,  had  for  a  long  time 
been  lost;  but  hi  looking  over  some  old  monkish  manuscripts,  he  had 
been  fortunate  enough  to  acquire  the  information  necessary  to  re- 
vive it 

"  '  But  the  process  ?'  I  eagerly  said. 

"  '  Is  known  only  to  me  of  us  two.  I  shall  not  disclose  it.'  This 
declaration  he  made  so  abruptly  that  I  forbore  to  trouble  him 
any  further  upon  the  subject  at  that  time. 

"  Two  months  after  that  I  left  Venice,  never  to  return.  Just  as 
I  was  ready  to  start,  my  Adonis  of  a  friend  placed  a  neat  little 
package  in  my  hand,  and  bade  me  good  bye.  I  have  never  seen  or 
heard  of  him  since.  The  package  contained  a  full  account  of  his 
etching  and  engraving  on  glass.  I  have  it  yet,  and  will  dispose  of 
it  to  any  person  who  will  send  me  five  dollars." 

Such,  O  reader !  is  the  fulfillment  of  Dr.  Eland's 
promise  to  teach  by  his  book,  the  art  of  walking  like 
an  unseen  spirit  among  men.  This  he  does  by  offer- 


MATRIMONIAL   PROMISES.  205 

ing,  for  five  dollars,  a  recipe  for  etching  and  en- 
graving on  glass,  worth  as  much  as  the  same  surface 
of  blank  paper. 

Great  as  is  the  contrast  between  the  promise  and 
the  fulfillment — abrupt  as  is  the  descent  from  the 
sublime  to  the  ridiculous — this  is  an  exact  illus- 
tration of  the  services  Dr.  Bland  performs  for 
humanity  in  this  volume. 

The  matrimonial  promises  of  the  doctor  are  mag- 
nificent. "  I  hope  to  see  the  day,"  says  he,  "  when 
old  maids  and  old  bachelors  will  be  regarded  as 
rare  curiosities." 

Look  now  at  the  manner  in  which  he  proposes  to 
bring  about  this  matrimonial  millennium. 

After  some  general  directions,  in  which  young 
men  are  advised,  if  they  would  win  a  young  lady, 
to  be  coquettish  when  she  is  coquettish,  and  to 
treat  her  in  all  respects  as  her  conduct  deserves ; 
the  young  of  both  sexes  are  advised  to  dress 
well,  and  patronize  good  tailors,  shoemakers,  and 
dentists.  "  Speaking  of  these  foldkes,"  continues 
the  doctor,  "  reminds  me  that  dentists  are  amon^ 

'  O 

those  most  to  overcharge  for  their  goods  and  their 
services.  For  a  set  of  teeth  they  charge  from  $150 
to  $300.  This  is  outrageous  and  extortionate  in 
the  highest  degree.  I  can  furnish  as  fine  a  set  of 


296  MATRIMONIAL   BKOKEEAGE. 

teeth  as  ever  was  seen  .  .  .  for  tlie  nominal  sum 
of  $20." 

Ladies  are  requested  to  let  the  natural  color  of 
the  hair  remain,  and  not  attempt  to  change  it ;  and 
in  a  foot  note  the  doctor  says  :  "  I  have  a  prepara- 
tion composed  entirely  from  oriental  herbs,  that 
will  restore  hair  to  its  natural  color,  no  matter  ho\v 
grey  it  is.  ...  I  will  send  one  bottle  on  receipt  of 
three  dollars." 

Constitutional  awkwardness  is  assigned  as  one 
reason  why  people  remain  single ;  and  in  a  foot 
note  the  public  is  informed  that  the  doctor  has  a 
mixture  which  will  overcome  timidity  and  awk- 
wardness, which  he  will  forward  for  two  dollars  per 
half  pint  bottle. 

The  public  is  also  notified  that  the  doctor  has 
discovered  a  potent  mixture  which  he  calls 
"  Cupid's  Bouquet,"  which  "  exerts  such  power  as 
was  supposed,  in  the  palmy  days  of  the  Israelites, 
to  be  swayed  by  the  thick  incense  that  stole 
through  the  aisles  of  the  temple,  and  appeared  to 
ascend  to  God,  bearing  men's  prayers  with  it."  .  .  . 
"  Its  influence  upon  myself,"  continues  the  doctor, 
"  who  have  been  familiar  with  it  for  fifteen  years, 
is  vast,  so  vast  that  it  is  sometimes  a  source  of 
astonishment.  ,  .  Yet  I  am  not  anxious  to  dis- 


curio's  BOUQUET.  297 

pose  of  it.  However,  as  it  is  of  value  to  all  who 
desire  to  feel  easy  in  mind,  brilliant  in  spirits,  and 
healthful  in  body,  and  diffuse  a  loving  and  lovable 
atmosphere  wherever  it  is  carried,  I  think  it  my 
duty  to  accommodate  my  friends  arid  readers  with 
it  if  they  want  it.  The  directions  are  few.  It  is  to 
be  dropped  upon  the  apparel  of  yourself,  and  of 
those  of  whose  good  wishes  you  feel  anxious  to  be 
possessed.  A  drop  will  suffice  for  one  occasion. 
This  may  be  applied  to  the  person  of  a  friend  with- 
out detection.  ...  I  will  send  a  phial  of  this  rare 
preparation  to  any  address,  upon  the  receipt  of  five 
dollars.  I  have  been  offered  as  high  as  $1,000  for 
the  recipe,  but  I  will  never  part  with  it  while  I 
live.  After  I  am  dead,  my  heirs  may  do  what 
they  please  with  it." 

These  specimens  will  show  the  method  which  Dr. 
Bland,  and  all  others  of  his  class  take,  to  dispose 
of  their  worthless  compounds.  If  you  would  win  a 
husband  or  wife,  pay  Dr.  Bland  five  dollars  for 
Cupid's  bouquet ;  if  you  would  not  oversleep  your- 
self, pay  Dr.  Bland  two  dollars  for  the  "  London 
Morning  Glory ;"  if  you  would  have  beautiful 
eyes,  pay  Dr.  Bland  two  dollars  for  his  "  Court 
Eye  Balm ;"  if  you  would  be  rich,  pay  Dr.  Bland 

13* 


298  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

three  or  five  dollars  for  a  recipe  for  "  India  Ink," 
and  so  on  to  the  end. 

The  public,  whom  the  doctor  thus  faithfully 
serves,  will  be  pained  to  learn  that  the  authorities 
of  this  city  do  not  appreciate  him ;  and  that  the 
mayor  actually  stopped  his  letters,  believing  the 
name  Bland  to  be  fictitious.  Immediately  the  name 
of  S.  Hankinson  appeared  as  the  one  to  which 
letters  should  be  addressed,  and  the  individual 
dealing  in  the  secrets  and  arts  discussed  in  this 
chapter,  assured  the  reporters  that  was  his  real 
name.  Since  that,  however,  he  has  again  been 
operating  under  the  name  of  Bland. 

But  the  police  again  interfered  with  this  gentle- 
man. The  mayor  issued  a  warrant  for  his  arrest ; 
he  was  taken  into  custody,  his  papers  were  seized 
as  indecent,  and  the  doctor  held  to  bail. 

When  the  officers  arrested  him,  he  threatened 
them  with  terrible  vengeance  if  they  touched  his 
things ;  and  his  lawyer  assured  them  they  made 
the  seizure  at  their  peril.  But  they  were  not  over- 
awed by  these  threats ;  and  a  bystander  advised 
the  doctor  to  put  in  practice  the  art  of  becoming 
invisible,  which  he  professed  to  teach.  "  Come, 
doctor,"  said  he,  "  convince  us  you  are  not  a  hum- 
bug. Let  us  see  you  disappear !"  But  owing  to  a 


CONFESSION   TO  A  EErOETKR.  290 

want  of  power  or  inclination,  the  advice  was  not 
followed  ;  and  the  doctor  lias  since  been  arraigned 
by  the  grand  jury,  against  which,  it  seems,  he  did 
not  use  his  potent  charm. 

After  he  was  admitted  to  bail,  a  reporter  one  day 
met  him  at  the  entrance  of  his  office,  as  he  was 
going  into  the  street,  and  the  doctor  commenced 
conversation  in  reference  to  the  affair,  and  the 
manner  in  which  the  reporters  had  written  about 
him.  "You  have  shown  me  no  mercy,"  said  he, 
good-naturedly. 

""We  have  written  nothing  but  the  truth,  doc- 
tor," replied  he.  "  You  would  not  of  course  sup- 
pose us  such  fools  as  to  believe  in  the  absurd  stories 
you  palm,  off  on  the  ignorant." 

"  Oh,  no,"  replied  the  doctor ;  "  of  course  you 
know  there  is  a  great  deal  of  humbug,  but  you  see 
we  must  all  live." 

"  You  must  have  many  interesting  cases  in  the 
course  of  your  practice  on  credulous  patients,"  said 
the  reporter. 

"Yes,  indeed,"  responded  the  doctor,  laughing. 
"  I  have  a  man  in  my  office  now — I  just  left  him 
there — and  it  seems  impossible  that  any  human 

being  should  be  such  a  d d  fool  as  to  believe 

the  stuff  he  believes.  I  have  been  soaping  him  fur 


300  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

an  hour,  and  I  shall  make  it  pay.  He  wants  a  love 
charm.  I  professed  to  be  very  reluctant  to  sell  it ; 
told  him  it  gave  the  possessor  such  power  I  dare 
not  intrust  it  only  with  such  as  I  know  to  be  honor- 
able and  good  men.  This,  of  course,  only  made 
him  more  anxious,  and  I  have  taken  time  to  con- 
sider whether  to  accommodate  him.  By  the  time  I 
get  ready  to  give  him  an  answer,  he  will  be  ready 
to  pay  any  price." 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

Madame  Hurst — Fortunes  of  a  Fortune-teller — A  successful   Ex- 
periment— Her  Opinion  of  her  Customers  and  of  her  Art. 

ABOUT  two  years  ago,  an  Irish  girl  married  an 
American  sailor  in  her  own  country,  and  a  few 
months  later,  at  the  earnest  solicitation  of  her 
husband  and  his  family,  came  with  him  to  this 
city,  accompanied  by  a  sister  to  whom  she  was 
much  attached.  She  very  reluctantly  left  Ireland, 
where  she  had  a  comfortable  home,  and  only  con- 
sented to  do  so  on  the  assurance  of  his  parents 
that  she  should  never  want  the  comforts  of 
life. 

After  her  arrival,  however,  these  promises, 
though  kept  for  a  time,  were  soon  forgotten.  The 
husband,  dependent  for  subsistence  on  his  labor, 
went  on  a  long  sea  voyage,  and  she  found  herself 
homeless  and  destitute,  with  her  sister  and  a  young 
child  to  take  care  of. 

"WTien  a  child  she  "had  cultivated  the  art  of  for- 
tune-telling, and  obtained  many  a  half-crown  of 
gentlemen  by  its  practice.  In  her  emergency  she 

801 


302  MATKIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

resolved  to  set  up  as  a  fortune-teller,  and  for  this 
purpose  rented  a  basement  room  in  Madison 
street. 

Slie  reflected  that  in  the  business  she  must  en- 
counter the  competition  of  old  and  experienced 
heads,  and  she  resolved  upon  an  experiment.  She 
advertised  in  one  of  the  papers,  that  she  would 
"answer  questions  on  love,  marriage,  and  absent 
friends,  and  tell  all  the  events  of  life,"  for  one 
shilling. 

This  was  an  astonishing  reduction  of  prices,  as 
other  fortune-tellers  charge  one  to  five  dollars  for 
their  services.  But  she  reflected  that  persons  who 
patronize  fortune-tellers  are  generally  poor  as 
well  as  ignorant,  and  that  many  who  could 
not  afford  to  pay  a  dollar  would  gladly  pay  a 
shilling. 

The  result  showed  that  she  had  calculated  wisely. 
Her  success  was  immediate,  and  far  exceeded  her 
expectations.  The  first  day  of  the  appearance  of 
her  advertisement,  customers  thronged  her  door 
before  she  had  breakfasted,  and  so  great  was  the 
rush  that  she  could  not  get  time  to  eat  her  din- 
ner. The  shillings  came  in  as  fast  as  she  could 
shuffle  her  cards  and  go  through  the  stereotyped 
lingo. 


WAITING   IN   THE   HALL.  303 

A  curious  man  (the  same  who  visited  Madame 
Lebon),  called  upon  this  cheap  fortune-teller,  who 
assumed  the  name  of  Madame  Hurst  in  the  early 
part  of  her  career,  and  has  furnished  the  writer 
with  the  following  account  of  his  visit : 

"  I  called  upon  Madame  Hurst,  as  she  calls  her- 
self (which  of  course  is  a  fictitious  name),  about 
three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon.  I  was  told  there 
were  two  girls  in  the  room,  to  whom  she  was  un- 
folding the  secrets  of  the  future,  and  of  this  I  was 
subsequently  convinced,  when  I  saw  two  silly-look- 
irig  creatures  come  forth  from  her  presence,  with  a 
look  of  evident  excitement  on  their  faces.  At  the 
time  she  was  dealing  with  these  customers,  eight 
girls  and  myself  awaited  our  turn  in  the  hall. 

"  Her  apartments  were  in  a  dark  and  dingy 
basement,  and  she  had  no  conveniences  for  persons 
in  waiting.  "We  were  compelled  to  stand  in  the 
gloomy,  filthy  hall,  until  by  dint  of  taking  down  .1 
pile  of  household  articles  which  stood  behind  the 
door,  seats  were  secured  upon  inverted  wash-tubs, 
a  box,  and  one  old  chair  without  a  bottom. 

"  I  was  anxious  to  learn  the  views  which  induced 
the  eight  females  by  whom  I  was  surrounded,  to 
visit  the  fortune-teller,  and  entered  into  conversa- 
tion, in  which  they  were  not  at  all  backward, 


30i  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

They  declared  without  hesitation  they  were  there 
to  see  when  they  were  to  be  married,  and  what  the 
fortune-teller  could  promise  them  in  this  respect. 
Most  of  them  appeared  to  be  servant-girls;  but  there 
was  one  better  dressed  and  more  modest  than  the 
rest,  whom  I  overheard  whispering  to  her  attend- 
ant, c  what  would  my  father  say,  if  he  knew  I  was 
here?'  I  also  overheard  one  of  the  servant-girls 
whisper  that  she  would  willingly  give  the  fortune- 
teller fifty  cents,  if  she  would  guarantee  her  a  hus- 
band within  a  year. 

"  They  seemed  thoroughly  to  believe  in  the  art 
of  fortune-telling,  and  that  the  madame  had  power 
to  bring  about  whatever  she  pleased. 

"  I  awaited  my  turn  with  as  much  patience  as  I 
could  command.  Several  arrived  after  me;  but 
about  the  time  my  turn  came,  there  was  so  much 
prospect  of  rain  that  all  hurried  oif.  And  they 
had  good  reason ;  for  a  terrific  storm  of  lightning 
and  rain  began  immediately,  and  must  have 
drenched  the  retreating  maidens  to  the  skin.  A 
fearful  peal  of  thunder  shook  the  house  as  though 
each  stone  was  suddenly  animated  with  terror,  and 
the  lightning  and  wind  prostrated  buildings,  un- 
roofed houses,  tore  up  trees,  and  scattered  signs  and 
awnings  through  the  streets. 


I  A   TERKIFIED    WITCH.  305 

"  Whatever  confidence  the  fortune-teller  may 
have  had  in  her  professed  power  over  the  elements, 
when  I  entered  the  room,  she  was  ghastly  with 
fright,  and  paid  no  attention  to  me.  c  God  above 
us !'  she  exclaimed,  c  what  a  horrible  storm  !  Oh, 
Heaven!  the  house  will  tumble  down  on  our 
heads!'  and  kindred  ejaculations,  until  the  tempest 
subsided.  She  then  took  notice  of  my  presence, 
and  asked  abruptly  what  I  wanted. 

"  I  replied  that  I  came  to  consult  her  on  matri 
monial  business. 

"  f  You  will  pay  before-hand,  if  you  please,'  was 
her  first  remark.  "  It  is  twenty-five  cents  for  gen- 
tlemen— a  shilling  for  ladies." 

" c  Why  this  partiality  to  ladies  ?'  I  inquired. 

" i  I  prefer  to  have  them  come  for  all  the  men  ; 
and  the  men  can  afford  it.' 

"  Having  received  her  fee,  she  shuffled  the  cards 
in  the  usual  way,  and  went  through  the  routine 
4  revelations ' — as  indefinite,  of  course,  as  the 
enunciations  of  an  ancient  oracle.  After  she  had 
finished,  I  told  her,  laughing,  that  I  did  not  believe 
a  word  she  had  said. 

"  'If  you  do  not  believe  what  I  say,  why  should 
you  come  here  and  pay  out  your  money  ?' 

"  I  came  to  see  how  credulous  people  must  be 


306  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

who  believe  sucli  nonsense.  Do  yon  suppose  I  am 
silly  enough  to  swallow  it  ?  Let  me  take  the  cards 
and  I  will  manage  your  next  customer  as  well  as 
you  can  yourself.  I  can  tell  your  fortune  as  well 
as  you  can  tell  mine.  You.  know  as  well  as  I  that 
this  is  all  humbug.  The  theory  of  your  art 
is,  that  certain  combinations  of  cards  indicate 
certain  things — disappointments  or  the  contrary — 
success  or  failure  in  business,  etc. ;  and  any  one 
who  knows  enough  to  learn  and  remember  a  few 
simple  rules,  can  tell  fortunes.  You  see  I  am  not  a 
dupe,  and  you  might  as  well  own  that  you  are  not. 
Do  you  believe  anything  in  it  yourself? 

"  Far  from  being  offended  at  this  onslaught  upon 
her  profession,  she  seemed  pleased;  and  replied, 
that  she  of  course  did  not  believe  in  it  at  all,  since 
she  understood  how  utterly  foolish  the  whole  thing 
was,  and  added  :  ^ 

"  £  Tho  reason  why  I  don't  want  gentlemen  to 
come,  is,  they  are  not  so  superstitious  as  the 
women.  They  don't  believe  what  I  say,  but  the 
women,  poor  things,  and  especially  the  servant- 
girls,  swallow  every  word  of  it.' 

"  I  inquired  concerning  the  nature  of  the  errands 
of  her  customers,  who,  she  assured  me,  were  nearly 
all  females.  She  replied  that  they  came  to  consult 


MADAME   HURST    "  OWNS    UP."  307 

her  about  matrimony,  in  almost  every  instance ; 
that  they  believed  she  had  power  to  gain  them  a 
husband,  and  that  marriage  was  certain  with  her 
aid. 

"  I  asked  her  if  she  thought  it  right  to  deceive 
people  in  such  a  way,  and  take  their  money  with- 
out any  equivalent. 

"  <  Oh,  as  to  that,'  she  replied,  '  I  can't  say  it's 
right  exactly ;  but  it's  only  a  shilling,  and  it  don't 
hurt  them  any  to  pay  that,  and  it  does  me  a  good 
deal  of  good.  If  they  didn't  come  to  me  and  pay 
a  shilling,  they  would  go  elsewhere  and  pay  a 
dollar.  So,  you  see,  I  actually  do  them  a  ser- 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

The  "  Matrimonial  Alliance  Bureau "  of  Clement  A.  Watson,  in 
South  Brooklyn — Some  original  Documents,  showing  the  Modus 
Operandi  of  Matrimonial  Brokerage,  together  with  the  Corres- 
pondence and  Experience  of  Mr.  James  P.  Hope,  Lawyer,  and 
the  Conclusions  to  which  he  came. 

WE  believe  the  "Matrimonial  Alliance  Bureau" 
of  Mr.  Clement  A.  Watson,  "No.  65  President  street, 
Soutli  Brooklyn,  was  never  heard  of  until  one 
morning  last  December ;  and  that  the  first  intima- 
tion the  public  had  of  its  existence,  was  the 
announcement  in  the  Herald  that  upwards  of  nine 
hundred  happy  marriages  had  been  effected  by  its 
agency.  This,  certainly,  was  an  auspicious  begin- 
ning. What  an  advantage  to  a  physician,  for 
instance,  when  he  sets  up  in  practice,  to  be  able  to 
announce  that  he  has  cured  nine  hundred  patients ! 
"  If,"  he  would  naturally  say,  "  if  I  can  cure  nine 
hundred  persons  merely  by  a  design  of  becoming  a 
practitioner,  what  can  I  not  do  when  I  am  actually 
started  ?"  The  following  we  believe  to  be  the  first 


.     309 

announcement  of  Mr.  "Watson's  establishment.    We 
take  it  from  the  Herald  of  Dec.  22d,  1858  : 

"MATRIMONIAL  ALLIANCE  BUREAU,  65  President  street  South 
Brooklyn,  N.  Y.  Established  1856,  for  introducing  ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen at  present  unknown  to  each  other,  who  are  desirous  of 
entering  into  matrimony.  Upwards  of  900  (comprising  all  classes 
of  society),  have  been  already  advantageously  married  and  made 
happy  through  this  medium.  Detailed  prospectuses  with  forms  of 
application  and  all  particulars,  sent  (under  cover)  on  receipt  of  50 
cents  to  any  part  of  the  Union,  Canadas,  or  West  Indies. 

"  CLEMENT  A.  WATSON,  Manager." 

A  young  man  who  gave  the  name  of  James  P. 
Hope,  of  Syracuse,  having  seen  the  above  promis- 
ing advertisement,  called  to  confer  with  the  bene- 
factor of  maids  and  bachelors  whose  name  was 
attached  to  it.  The  house  looked  rather  shabby, 
and  the  door  was  open,  although  it  was  in  the  win- 
ter time.  He  rung  the  bell,  and  a  woman  came  to 
the  door  with  a  child  in  her  arms.  It  occurred  to 
him  that  a  free  application  of  soap  and  water  to  the 
interior  of  the  premises  would  decidedly  improve 
appearances. 

"  Is  Mr.  "Watson  in  ?"  he  inquired. 

«BTo,  sir." 

"Isn't  his  office  here?" 

"Yes;  but  he  isn't." 


310  MATEIMONIAL  BEOKEKAGE. 

"  When  will  lie  be  here  ?" 

« I  don't  know." 

"  But  doesn't  he  stay  here  to  attend  to  his  cus- 
tomers?" 

"  He's  here  sometimes ;  but  not  much." 

"  But  doesn't  he  have  office  hours  ?  "What  time 
shall  I  be  sure  to  find  him?" 

"  Well,  if  you'll  be  here  at  6  o'clock  this  even- 
ing, you'll  be  sure  to  see  him." 

Mr.  Hope  told  the  woman  he  would  call  at  that 
time,  and  begged  she  would  ask  Mr.  "Watson  to 
meet  him,  as  he  wished  to  see  him  on  business. 

At  six  o'clock  he  called  again,  but  Mr.  "Watson 
was  not  to  be  seen,  and  he  went  home  without 
getting  a  glimpse  of  that  distinguished  gentleman. 

Two  or  three  days  later,  not  having  time  to 
renew  the  attempt  in  person,  he  dispatched  a 
friend,  with  orders  to  make  an  appointment  for 
him,  provided  he  saw  "Watson,  and  if  he  did  not 
see  him,  to  leave  a  note,  requesting  him  to  be  at 
home  the  next  Monday,  at  4  o'clock.  The  friend 
went,  but  had  no  better  success.  Mr.  "Watson 
was  not  to  be  found,  and  according  to  directions,  he 
left  a  note. 

Mr.  Hope  concluded  that  Mr.  Watson  was  a 
myth,  or  that  he  would  not  be  seen  until  he  was 


HOPE  SEAKCIIES  FOR  WATSON.  311 

feed.  Therefore  he  wrote  a  note  and  inclosed  fifty 
cents,  which  he  resolved  to  leave  if  he  still  failed 
to  have  his  eyes  feasted  with  a  sight  of  the  great 
Watson.  He  was  met  at  the  door  by  the  same 
woman,  who  informed  him  that  Mr.  Watson  was 
not  in. 

"  I  had  word  left  here  on  Saturday,  that  I  would 
call  at  this  hour,"  said  Hope. 

"  "Well,  he  is  not  in,  and  I  don't  know  when  he 
will  be." 

After  receiving  this  answer,  not  altogether  unex- 
pected, Mr.  Hope  deposited  in  her  hands  the  fol- 
lowing note : 

"  NEW  YORK,  Jan.  10, 1859. 
"MR.  WATSON— 

"SiR:  Having  seen  your  advertisement  in  the  Herald,  I 
am  anxious  to  get  a  copy  of  your  prospectuses,  and  will  call  to- 
morrow for  the  same.  I  inclose  fifty  cents  in  payment  therefor. 
I  should  like  to  have  an  interview  with  you,  and  will  call  about 
4  o'clock  to-morrow  afternoon. 

"  Yours  respectfully, 

"  JAMES  P.  HOPE." 

In  accordance  with  his  promise,  Mr.  Hope  called 
next  day;  but  the  invisible  Watson  did  not  yet 
deign  to  bless  his  eyes  with  a  sight  of  his  sacred 
person.  He  had,  however,  left  a  letter  for  him; 
and  his  [Mr.  Hope's]  generosity  enables  us  to  lay 


312  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

before  our  readers  au  exact  copy  of    the    con- 
tents : 

" '  MATRIMONIAL  ALLIANCE  BUREAU,'  ^ 

"  65  President  street,  South  Brooklyn,  N.  Y.,         > 

"  Jany.  llth,  1859. ) 
"  MR.  HOPE— 

"Sm:  Regret  not  being  able  to  remain  at  office,  till  4 
o'clock  to  see  you,  caused  by  a  preengagement.  You  will,  how- 
ever, be  able  to  glean  all  necessary  information,  by  perusing  the 
inclosed  Prospectus.  Should  the  same  meet  your  approbation,  I 
shall  be  most  happy  to  afford  you  a  pleasant  and  agreeable  intro- 
duction. In  the  first  instance,  however,  it  is  absolutely  necessary 
to  fill  up  the  inclosed  schedule  with  particulars,  and  return  the 
same  with  the  registration  fee,  two  dollars,  on  receipt  of  which  I 
will  submit  for  your  approval  the  filled  schedule  (with  full  particu- 
lars) and  the  Photograph  of  a  Lady  applicant,  whom  I  will  select, 
in  accordance  with  the  requirements  of  your  schedule. 
u  Awaiting  your  commands, 

"  Yours  most  respectfully, 

"  CLEMENT  A.  WATSON." 

The  "accompanying  documents"  which  Mr. 
Hope  -received,  were  printed  and  as  follows : 

"MATRIMONIAL   ALLIANCE    BUREAU, 

"  65  PRESIDENT  STREET,  SOUTH  BROOKLYN,  N.  Y. 

"  Referring  to  your  communication,  I  am  led  to  presume  that 
you  are  a  single  person.  If  such  be  the  case,  I  shall  be  glad  to 
receive  your  instructions  to  select  for  you  a  partner  from  my 
books. 

"  If  you  honor  me  with  commands,  you  may  rely  on  my  study- 


313 


ing  your  interests  in  all  points,  as  I  will  only  select  a  party  suited 
in  every  respect  to  your  taste,  circumstances,  position,  etc. 

"  Having  numerous  applications  daily  from  all  quarters,  through 
my  unlimited  connections,  I  am  in  a  condition  to  offer  speedy  and 
agreeable  introductions  to  both  sexes,  whereby  marriage  will  fol- 
low. The  evidence  of  my  having  effected  many  hundred  mar- 
riages during  the  last  three  years,  through  this  medium,  is  the  best 
guarantee  that  I  can  offer  to  my  clients,  who  thus  avoid  the  arti- 
ficial social  system,  which,  in  so  many  instances,  prevents  a  reunion 
of  hearts,  and  sacrifices  to  conventionalism  the  happiness  and  even 
the  lives  of  thousands  of  the  young  of  both  sexes.  Secrecy  main- 
tained in  all  cases. 

"  Yours,  most  obediently, 

"  CLEMENT  A.  WATSON." 

It  U  L  E  S  . 

"  1.  The  registry  or  retaining  fee  of  two  dollars,  to  be  paid  hx  all 
cases  before  any  information  is  furnished,  thus,  to  a  certain  extent, 
preventing  parties  from  applying  through  mere  curiosity. 

"  2.  Charges  to  be  made  strictly  in  accordance  with  the  ability 
and  position  of  applicants. 

"  3.  Only  parties  of  respectability  to  be  treated  with. 

"  4.  The  annexed  schedule  of  particulars  to  be  filled  up  and  re- 
turned, with  two  dollars;  also  real  name  and  address,  in  confi- 
dence^ on  a  separate  piece  of  paper,  which  will  not  be  given  up 
to  any  one  without  authority  in  writing — thus  securing  inviolable 
secrecy. 

"  6.  Those  who  object  to  fill  up  the  annexed  official  schedule 
may  send  a  written  statement. 

"  6.  The  founder  to  have  the  sole  power  of  making  selections, 
and  sending  copies  of  original  applications,  but  in  all  cases  omit- 

14 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

ting  the  name  and  address  of  clients,  which  are  submitted  in  confi- 
dence to  the  negotiator. 

"7.  When  the  necessary  preliminaries  are  arranged,  parties 
can  submit  their  portraits  in  the^rs£  instance  before  appointing  an 
interview. 

"  8.  Portraits,  reports  and  documents  submitted  confidentially 
must  be  returned  within  four  days. 

"  9.  Any  subscriber  not  acting  up  to  the  rules,  forfeits  his  or 
her  claims  against  the  founder  for  services  to  be  performed. 

"  10.  All  documents,  portraits,  etc.,  to  be  kept  in  lock-up 
cases. 

"  11.  Private  interviews  with  the  manager  fixed  only  by  previous 
appointment,  and  the  fee  of  two  dollars  remitted. 

"12.  All  letters  to  be  prepaid  to  prevent  refusal,  and  those 
requiring  answers  must  send  stamped  envelopes  for  that  pur- 
pose. "  CLEMENT  A.  WATSON, 

"  Manager." 

The  schedule  to  which  reference  is  made  both  in 
the  letter  and  prospectus  of  "  the  founder,"  was  as 
follows : 

"  This  to  be  cut  off,  filled  up,  and  returned  prepaid,  with  answers 
to  as  many  questions  as  practicable,  and  addressed,  Mr.  Clement  A. 
Watson,  65  President  street,  South  Brooklyn,  N.  Y. 

"  SCHEDULE  OF  APPLICATION. 
"MALE  OB  FEMALE. 

"Initials  only  ;  name  to  be  on  a  separate  piece  of  paper? 
"  Occupation  or  business  ? 


A  MATRIMONIAL    SCHEDULE.  315 

"  Age  and  sex  ? 
"Light  or  dark? 
"  Tall,  short  or  medium  ? 
"  Robust  or  slender  ? 
"  Have  you  a  good  constitution  ? 
<'  What  are  your  habits  ?" 

"  Do  you  belong  to  any  religious  denomination  ? 
"  Are  you  a  bachelor,  widower,  spinster  or  widow  ? 
"  Supposed  income — what  derived  from — any  present  fortune  or 
perspective  ? 


"  Give  a  description  of  the  person  you  desire  for  a  husband  or 
wife  (as  the  case  may  be),  and  if  you  have  anything  further  to  add, 
please  place  it  under  the  inclosed  heading." 

This  schedule  Mr.  Hope  filled  up  in  due  form  and 
dispatched  to  "  the  founder,"  with  the  following  ac- 
companying letter : 

"  NEW  YORK,  Jan,  12th,  1859. 
"  C.  A.  WATSON,  ESQ.— 

"  SIR  :  I  called  yesterday  and  received  your  prospectus,  which 
I  now  return  duly  filled,  with  the  required  registration  fee  of  $2. 
I  shall  call  at  five  o'clock  to-morrow  for  the  schedule  and  photo- 
graph you  propose  to  submit,  and  hope  then  to  see  you,  as  I  can 
more  fully  explain  my  views  and  plans  than  by  writing.  If  you 
cannot  see  me  at  that  tune,  please  leave  a  note,  stating  definitely 
when  you  can. 

"  Respectfully  yours, 

"  JAMES  P.  HOPE." 

Mr.  Hope's  conjecture  that  there  was  no  such 


316  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

thing  as  getting  a  sight  of  the  founder  without 
feeing  him,  was  correct  as  will  be  seen  by  rule  11 ; 
and  he  blamed  the  founder  for  not  making  the  fact 
known  in  his  advertisement. 

He  called  at  four  o'clock  the  next  day,  and  was 
again  told  that  Mr.  Watson  was  not  in,  but  that  he 
was  expected  every  minute,  and  had  left  word  that  he 
would  see  him.  He  therefore  called  again  in  about 
an  hour,  when  he  was  informed  that  the  long- 
sought  founder  was  in  his  office,  prepared  for  an 
interview ;  and  entering  the  front  room  on  the  first 
floor,  he  at  last  saw  the  being  in  question — a  short, 
thick-set  man,  about  thirty  years  old. 

"  Mr.  Hope  ?"  said  the  founder. 

"  The  same,  sir.  I  suppose  you  received  the 
filled  schedule  and  the  fee  I  sent  you  ?" 

The  founder  assented. 

u  I  have  called  to  examine  the  filled  schedule, 
and  the  likeness  of  the  lady  to  whom  you  propose 
to  introduce  me." 

The  founder  attempted  to  turn  the  conversation 
into  another  channel ;  but  Mr.  Hope  was  not  to  be 
diverted.  At  last  the  founder  said  : 

"Mr.  Hope,  I  am  prepared  in  your  case  to 
waive  the  ordinary  forms,  and  you  need  not  take 
the  trouble  to  examine  a  schedule  or  likeness,  nor 


THE   FOUNDER   IS   PUZZLED.  317 

leave  a  portrait  of  yourself.  I  will  introduce  you 
to-morrow,  provided,  of  course,  you  pay  me  a  suffi- 
cient fee." 

«  How  much  will  that  be  ?" 

The  founder  fell  into  a  profound  reverie,  and 
finally  suggested  that  Mr.  Hope,  being  well  off, 
could  not  object  to  the  small  sum  of  twenty-five 
dollars." 

"To  whom  will  you  introduce  me  for  that 
sum?" 

"  To  a  widow  in  New  York.  I  have  just  seen 
her  this  afternoon — a  beautiful  woman,  with  one 
child." 

"A  boy?" 

"  Unfortunately  I  don't  remember ;  didn't  in  fact 
inquire.  She  can't  fail  of  pleasing  you." 

"  But  suppose  she  doesn't  please  me  ?" 

"  Then  you  needn't  pay.  You  must  advance  five 
dollars  now,  and  I  will  introduce  you.  If  satisfied, 
you  shall  pay  me  twenty  more.  If  not  satisfied, 
I  will  refund  twenty  shillings." 

"  But  her  likeness  ?  If  I  could  see  that  I  could 
determine  about  advancing  the  five  dollars." 

The  founder  seemed  somewhat  puzzled  by  the 
repetition  of  the  demand  for  the  likeness;  but 
reminded  Mr.  Hope  that  under  the  rules  he  was 


318  MATRIMONIAL    BROKERAGE. 

"  to  have  the  sole  power  of  making  selections,"  and 
in  fact  refused  to  show  any  filled  schedule  or  like- 
ness. 

Mr.  Hope  being  a  lawyer,  it  was  natural  that  the 
legal  maxim,  falsus  in  uno  falsus  in  omnibus, 
should  occur  to  him.  "  If  this  fellow,"  thought  he, 
"breaks  his  word  before  introducing  me,  what 
guaranty  have  I  that  he  will  introduce  me  at  all  ? 
or  that  the  widow  with  whom  he  proposes  to  make 
me  acquainted  is  respectable  ?  How  does  this  man 
know  I  am  not  a  liumbug  and  a  swindler?  He 
requires  no  references — gives  no  pledge  of  sincerity 
or  virtue  but  his  bare  assertion — inquires  nothing 
about  my  antecedents  or  acquaintances — does  not 
even  know  whether  I  have  given  him  a  real  or  fic- 
titious name.  Yet,  if  this  widow  is  honest,  he  is 
ready  for  five  dollars  to  impose  me  upon  her  as  a 
man  whom  he  knows  to  be  sincere  and  respect- 
able !  It  looks  to  me  as  though  this  "Watson  is  a 
humbug,  and  merely  wants  the  five  dollars.  If  I 
pay  it,  nine  chances  out  of  ten  he  will  never  intro- 
duce me.  I  do  not,  in  fact,  believe  he  can  intro- 
duce me,  or  that  he  has  a  single  schedule  filled  up 
by  a  lady,  or  a  single  likeness.  If  he  had,  he  would 
show  it." 

Having  arrived  at  this  conclusion,  Mr.  Hope  did 


THE  FOUNDER  MOVES.  319 

not  see  fit  to  be  introduced.    Whether  his  conclu- 
sions were  just,  our  readers  can  judge. 

The  founder  has  since  removed  his  establishment 
to  another  locality. 


CHAPTEE     XXXII 1. 

A  NEW  AND   SINGULAR   CHAPTER   IN   THE   LIFE   OF   MRS. 
CUNNINGHAM   BUEDELL. 

She  visits  a  Matrimonial  Office  in  Forty-third  street — Is  introduced 
to  Mr.  Fitzgerald,  of  St.  Louis — Her  Appearance  and  Dress — 
Her  Opinion  of  Domestic  Peace  and  of  New  York  Ladies — She 
offers  to  find  a  Model  Wife — Her  Sentiments  on  Love,  Marriage 
and  Divorce — Is  a  Free-Lover — Mrs.  Willis,  the  Broker — Dis- 
courses of  Ghosts — She  relates  the  Wonderful  Story  of  a  Clock — 
Fitzgerald  makes  a  Remark  about  Dead  Men,  and  Cunningham 
gets  Nervous — An  Important  Confession  about  her  Marriage — 
She  tells  her  Age — She  offers  to  cure  Fitzgerald  of  a  Cold — 
Wants  him  to  go  and  drink  a  Punch  of  her  making— He  thinks 
of  the  Bloody  Work  in  Bond  street,  and  declines — She  accepts 
Five  Dollars  as  a  Slight  Token  of  Respect — She  Discourses  of 
Murders  and  Executions — Is  opposed  to  Capital  Punishment — 
Denounces  the  Reporters  as  a  Meddlesome,  Lying  Set  of  Vul- 
tures— Her  Opinion  of  the  Tombs  as  a  Residence — A  Decisive 
Meeting — Cunningham  wants  a  Set  of  Furs — She  offers  to  take 
Charge  of  Fitzgerald's  Household  Affairs — Wants  him  to  take  a 
House  Up  Town — Mr.  Fitzgerald  attempts  to  get  away,  but  is 
seized  by  Cunningham  and  detained  by  Force — He  makes 
another  Present  and  gets  into  the  Hall,  which  is  Dark — He  finds 
himself  Locked  in — He  calls  in  vain  to  be  released — He  gets 
into  the  Parlor — Resolved  to  smash  a  Window — Interesting 
Denoument — Where  Mrs.  Cunningham  went  after  the  Meeting. 

THE    excitement    caused    by  the  murder  of  Dr. 
Btirdell,  at  31  Bond  street,  on  the  niglit  of  January 


A   WELL-KNOWN   CHARACTER.  321 

30,  1857,  lias  scarcely  a  parallel  in  the  criminal 
records  of  this  city.  The  extraordinary  circum- 
stances of  the  affair;  the  relations  which  the  in- 
mates of  the  house  sustained  to  the  victim ;  the 
long  and  pedantic  inquest  of  the  coroner ;  the  sub- 
sequent trial  and  acquittal  of  Mrs.  Cunningham 
for  murder,  and  her  attempt  to  bring  forward  a  false 
heir  to  the  Burdell  estate,  for  months  filled  the 
columns  of  the  public  prints,  and  were  read  with 
absorbing  interest. 

After  the  decision  of  the  Surrogate,  which  denied 
the  marriage  of  Mrs.  Cunningham  to  Dr.  Burdell, 
and  excluded  her  from  any  share  in  his  estate,  she 
disappeared  from  public  view,  and  nothing  has 
been  heard  of  her  except  an  occasional  newspaper 
paragraph,  one  of  which  announced  her  marriage 
to  Mr.  Eckel,  which  that  gentleman  promptly 
denied.  Other  paragraphs  have  represented  her 
as  living  in  fine  style  up  town,  while  others  have 
located  her  in  New  Jersey ;  others  have  married 
her  youngest  daughter  to  a  wealthy  Southern 
planter,  and  others  again  have  denied  any  such 
marriage. 

The   writer  is  in  possession   of  a  singular  and 
authentic   history,   which   will   throw   some   light 
upon  her  recent  movements  and  present  position. 
14* 


322  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

In  November  last,  a  young  man  giving  the  name 
of  C.  Frank  Fitzgerald,  of  St.  Louis,  Mo.,  went  to 
the  matrimonial  office  of  Mrs.  Jessie  Willis,  No.  18 
West  Forty-third  street,  in  this  city — an  office 
which  was  started  in  the  summer  of  1858,  and  has 

• 

been  quite  extensively  advertised.  We  copy  the 
following  specimen  of  the  advertisements  from  the 
New  York  Herald  of  January  27th,  1859  : 

"  MRS.  JESSIE  WILLIS  will  give  introductions  to  ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen with  a  view  to  matrimony,  at  her  office,  18  West  Forty- 
third  street,  from  3  to  8  P.M.  Parties  suited ;  references  required. 
Gentlemen's  fees  $1 ;  ladies  free.  Letters  from  the  country  must 
be  post-paid,  with  return  letter  stamps.  N.B. — All  business  confi- 
dential." 

The  house  of  Mrs.  Willis  is  situated  near  Fifth 
Avenue,  and  is  plain  but  neatly  furnished.  She  is 
a  Spiritualist  in  faith,  and  on  her  table  are  found 
Judge  Edmonds's  work,  and  several  books  by  spirit- 
ual mediums. 

Mr.  Fitzgerald  was  understood  to  have  plenty  of 
money,  and  was  promised  an  introduction  to  a 
young  widow,  who  was  represented  as  possessing 
every  desirable  accomplishment ;  and  for  this  pur- 
pose he  made  his  second  visit  to  the  office  one 
Monday  afternoon,  but  the  young  widow  did  not 
make  her  appearance  according  to  agreement. 


WAITING,  BUT  NOT  IN   VAIN.  323 

Mr.  Fitzgerald  waited  near  half  an  hour  beyond 
the  time  fixed,  and  Mrs.  "Willis  several  times  ex- 
pressed her  surprise  that  the  lady  did  not  come,  and 
finally  said : 

"  This  lady  is  always  so  prompt,  I  fear  she  will 
not  be  here  to  day.  If  you  choose,  however,  you 
can  wait  a  little  longer ;  and  if  you  would  like  to 
pass  away  the  time  pleasantly,  meanwhile,  there  is  a 
widow  now  in  the  next  room,  to  whom  I  will  intro- 
duce you,  merely  for  a  passing  acquaintance.  She 
is  considerably  older  than  yourself,  and  I  do  not 
suppose  you  would  think  of  marrying  her ;  but  she 
is  intelligent  and  lively  in  conversation,  and  I  think 
you  would  be  pleased  with  her." 

"  Yery  well,"  replied  Fitzgerald ;  "  let  her  come 
in  ;  I  shall  be  happy  to  see  her." 

Mrs.  Willis  then  retired  to  the  room  adjoining 
the  parlor  in  the  rear,  which  communicated  by 
folding  doors,  and  led  in  the  widow. 

It  happened  that  Fitzgerald  was  in  !N"ew  York 
at  the  time  of  Mrs.  Cunningham's  trial  for  mur- 
der, and  having  visited  the  court  several  times 
while  it  was  in  progress,  retained  a  distinct  recollec- 
tion of  the  prisoner's  features  and  countenance. 
And  when  Mrs.  Willis  led  the  woman  into  the 
room,  he  instantly  recognized  in  her  the  same 


324  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Mrs.  Cunningham  Burdell  whom  he  had  seen  in 
court. 

She  was  dressed  in  deep  black,  as  she  was 
during  her  trial,  and  had  on  a  heavy  veil  of  the 
same  color,  which  was  thrown  back  over  her  hat. 
But  her  garments  bore  evident  marks  of  time,  and 
she  looked  much  older  than  when  he  saw  her  a  few 
months  previous. 

It  was  perhaps  with  some  difficulty  that  he  sup- 
pressed an  exclamation  or  -  look  of  surprise  at  this 
sudden  and  unexpected  apparition ;  but  immedi- 
ately it  occurred  to  him  that  he  would  feign  igno- 
rance, which  might  enable  him  to  learn  something 
of  her  character,  and  perhaps  satisfy  his  own  mind 
in  relation  to  the  awful  mystery  connected  with  her 
history. 

Be  it  known  that  the  introductions  of  a  matri- 
monial broker  differ  from  introductions  in  general, 
in  that  the  broker  gives  no  names — only  an  obscure 
ejaculation,  which  one  might  possibly  think  repre- 
sented a  name,  but  which  he  had  not  understood. 
Such  was  the  introduction  of  Mr.  Fitzgerald  to  Mrs. 
Cunningham,  whereupon,  he  arose  and  bowed  in 
his  politest  manner. 

"I  am  spending  a  few  weeks  in  New  York, 
madam,"  said  he,  "  and  having  seen  Mrs.  Willis's 


A   PIERCING   LOOK.  325 

advertisement,  it  occurred  to  me  I  might  make 
some  pleasant  acquaintances  by  calling  here.  I  am 
happy  to  see  you,  and  trust  our  acquaintance  will 
be  mutually  agreeable." 

Mrs.  Cunningham  gave  Fitzgerald  a  piercing  look, 
as  if  to  satisfy  herself  whether  she  had  ever  seen 
him  before ;  and  of  this  he  was  perfectly  conscious.' 
His  self-possession,  however,  if  shaken  an  instant 
upon  the  first  recognition,  had  fully  returned,  and 
he  bore  her  scrutinizing  glances  without  any  exhibi-- 
tion  of  anxiety. 

She  replied  that  she  regarded  Mrs.  "Willis's  office 
an  institution  of  great  utility  to  strangers,  and 
remarked  that  there  was,  in  her  estimation,  nothing 
improper  in  the  system. 

"  Matrimonial  offices,"  said  she,  "  are  very  com- 
mon in  Paris  ;  people  think  nothing  of  it  there.  But 
some  of  our  Americans  have  an  idea  they  are 
immoral.  But  that  depends  altogether  upon  the 
use  people  make  of  them.  Strangers  who  come 
here  without  any  acquaintances,  find  it  very  conve- 
nient to  be  introduced  into  respectable  families, 
where  they  can  enjoy  social  advantages,  and  occa- 
sionally pass  a  pleasant  evening  with  friends." 

"That  was  my  idea  in  coming  here,"  replied 
Fitzgerald.  "New  York  is  pleasant  in  the  day 


320  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

time,  when  we  can  go  about  and  see  such  a  variety 
of  things;  but  at  night,  I  often  get  tired  of  the 
opera — tired  of  the  theatre,  and  the  ordinary 
amusements,  and  feel  greatly  the  need  of  good 
female  society." 

"  You  are  not  married,  then,  I  suppose  ?" 

"Oh,  no.  Married  men,  I  take  it,  are  happy 
and  contented  to  stay  at  home." 

"  Not  always,"  replied  Cunningham.  "  Many 
'find  themselves  worse  off  than  before.  You  would 
be  astonished,  if  you  knew  all  I  know  about  the 
unhappiness  of  married  people  in  New  York. 
These  cases  are  very  common." 

"Indeed!" 

"  Yes,  everywhere,  but  particularly  in  New 
York.  The  truth  is,  ladies  think  so  much  of  dress 
and  fashion  here,  they  do  not  make  good  wives. 
There  are  very  few  fit  for  a  man  to  marry.  There 
are  some,  however.  I  know  a  young  lady,  fourteen 
years  of  age — a  very  particular  friend  of  mine — to 
whom  I  would  introduce  a  gentleman  of  the  right 
stamp. 

"  What  qualifications  would  you  require  ?" 

"  "Well,  he  must  have  means,  of  course.  A  poor 
man  may  be  just  as  good  as  a  rich  one,  and  all  that ; 
but  whatever  people  may  say,  money  is  desirable. 


HOW   TO   GET   A   GOOD   WIFE.  327 

He  must  be  rich,  and  must  be  a  gentleman  who 
would  appreciate  her,  not  make  a  slave  of  her.  I 
tell  you,  sir,  the  man  who  gets  her  will  find  a  true 
wife.  1  have  known  her  intimately  from  child- 
hood, and  she  has  not  been  educated  in  the  follies 
and  extravagances  which  most  girls  get  into.  She 
is  domestic  in  her  tastes  and  habits,  and  under- 
stands household  duties  as  well  as  the  accomplish- 
ments of  the  parlor.  She  is  beautiful,  too,  and  I  do 
not  know  what  more  could  be  desired." 

"  But  the  picture  you  have  drawn  of  domestic 
unhappiness  is  not  encouraging  to  a  bachelor. 
You  are  a  widow,  and  have  seen  much  of  society, 
and  your  opinion  that  unhappy  marriages  are  very 
common  is  certainly  entitled  to  weight." 

"  Yes,  unless  you  marry  understandingly,  you 
had  better  let  it  alone.  The  only  way  I  would 
recommend  a  young  man  to  marry,  would  be  to 
take  some  one  whom  an  experienced  female  friend 
could  recommend.  "Women  of  my  age,  for  instance, 
are  capable  of  judging,  and  this  young  lady  I  speak 
of  I  could  recommend  from  personal  knowledge." 

"  I  think,  at  best,"  suggested  Frank,  "  there 
would  be  a  possibility  of  mistake.  If  custom  only 
permitted  separation  when  parties  are  dissatisfied, 
it  might  do." 


328          MATRIMONIAL  BKOKERAGE. 

"When  Fitzgerald  uttered  this  sentiment,  which  a 
free-lover  might  easily  construe  in  favor  of  his 
theory,  he  watched  the  effect ;  Cunningham  gave 
him  another  searching  look,  and  he  thought  her 
side  glance  the  most  devilish  he  ever  encountered. 
It  was  a  mingled  look,  in  which  suspicion  was  pre- 
dominant. 

"  In  the  present  state  of  society,"  she  answered, 
"  it  would  not  do — I  mean  it  would  be  regarded 
as  wrong." 

Fitzgerald  perceived  she  had  put  the  worst  con- 
struction on  his  remark  it  would  bear,  and  replied  : 

"  Many  things  would  be  regarded  as  wrong  by 
society,  which,  nevertheless,  if  carried  out,  might 
be  for  the  good  of  society.  Public  opinion  is  not 
always  a  correct  criterion." 

"  That  is  true,"  replied  Cunningham.  "  I  enter- 
tain views  on  that  subject  myself  which  I  should 
not  dare  to  make  known  to  my  friends,  only  some 
who  could  appreciate  them.  I  believe,  for  instance, 
that  persons  who  are  not  fitted  to  each  other,  ought 
to  be  allowed  to  separate  whenever  they  choose ; 
and  I  do  not  believe  that  the  legal  ceremony  con- 
stitutes marriage  at  all." 

Cunningham's  interesting  and  liberal  discourse  on 
marriage  and  divorce  was  here  interrupted  by  the 


329 


entrance  of  Mrs.  Willis,  the  broker,  who  sat  down 
between  Fitzgerald  and  Mrs.  Cunningham.  It  was 
now  twilight,  the  gas  had  not  been  lit,  and  every- 
thing in  the  room  wore  a  gloomy  aspect.  The  bro- 
ker, as  if  impressed  by  the  sombre  spirit  of  the  hour, 
began  immediately  to  talk  of  ghosts  and  spiritual 
manifestations. 

"  When  I  took  a  hotel  to  keep  at  the  corner  of 
Spring  street,  a  few  years  ago,"  she  commenced,  "  I 
had  two  excellent  servant  girls  with  me  that  I  was 
anxious  to  keep,  and,  in  order  to  do  so,  retained 
them  several  days  without  anything  to  do,  while  I 
was  waiting  to  begin  in  the  hotel. 

"  One  afternoon,  one  of  them  comes  into  the 
room,  and  says :  *  I  want  to  go  over  to  a  relative  of 
mine,  for  I  have  just  heard  their  little  boy  is  sick.' 
Very  well,  1  told  her,  she  could  go.  But  we  had 
an  old  clock  in  the  house,  which  had  stood  on  the 
mantel  four  years  without  stirring  ;  and  just  as  this 
conversation  took  place,  what  should  the  old  clock 
do  but  begin  to  strike  ;  and  it  actually  struck  ten  ! 
The  girl  was  frightened,  and  said  she  thought  that 
was  a  warning,  that  the  little  boy,  her  cousin,  was 
dead,  and  that  he  died  at  ten  o'clock.  She  hurried 
right  over  there ;  and  sure  enough,  the  child  had 
died,  just  at  that  time." 


330  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

"  You  believe  in  spiritual  manifestations,  do  you 
not?"  said  Fitzgerald. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mrs.  Willis. 

"  As  to  that,"  said  Fitzgerald,  "  I  cannot  see  the 
philosophy  of  the  dead  coming  back  and  manifest- 
ing themselves.  I  believe  that  when  a  man  is  dead, 
he  is  dead,  and  do  not  think  there  are  ghosts 
enough  in  the  universe  to  make  a  clock  strike.  I 
believe  the  soul  lives  hereafter ;  but  I  have  seen  no 
evidence  which  convinces  me  it  comes  back 
again. 

"  I  believe,"  added  Fitzgerald,  in  a  solemn  and 
impressive  tone,  looking  directly  at  Mrs.  Cunning- 
ham, "  I  believe  the  old  maxim,  that  *  dead  men 
tell  no  tales.' " 

Fitzgerald  made  this  remark  expressly  to  see 
what  effect  it  would  produce ;  and  as  he  uttered  it, 
Mrs.  Cunningham  gave  a  nervous  start,  and  again 
fixed  on  him  the  piercing  side  glance,  which  he 
thought  so  devilish.  Her  look  seemed  to  say, 
"Did  you  intend  that  remark  for  me?"  and  he 
immediately  changed  the  subject,  to  prevent  sus- 
picion. 

The  conversation  which  followed  was  on  love 
and  matrimony,  and  Frank  asked  her  how  long  she 
had  been  a  widow. 


AN   IMPORTANT   CONFESSION.  331 

"  I  have  been  a  widow  over  four  years— almost 
five,"  she  answered. 

Shade  of  Dr.  Burdell !  thought  Frank,  where  is 
this  woman's  story  of  having  married  a  few  months 
before  the  murder  ? 

"  And  do  you  believe,"  he  asked  her,  "  that  a 
person  can  love  more  than  once  ?" 

"Yes,  I  think  so,"  she  replied;  "but  I  don't 
know.  I  never  had  but  one  lover,  and  that  was  the 
man  I  married." 

Frank  again  bethought  him  of  the  story  she  told 
when  under  arrest  for  murder — her  pretended 
attachment  for  the  doctor — her  claim  that  he  was 
her  second  husband,  and  the  attempt  to  get  the 
estate. 

Mrs.  Cunningham  expressed  the  opinion  that 
attachment  does  not  always  depend  upon  age, 
which,  subsequent  events  convinced  Frank,  was 
intended  as  an  intimation  that  although  she  was 
several  years  his  senior,  an  attachment  was  not 
impossible. 

"It  is  a  delicate  question  to  ask  a  lady,  I  am 
aware,  madam,"  replied  he,  "  but  I  should  like  to 
know  your  age  ?" 

"I  am  thirty-two — have  a  daughter  seventeen. 
I  was  married  at  fourteen." 


332  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

Mrs.  Cunningliam  then  went  on  to  describe  the 
pleasant  social  gatherings  she  had  at  her  house ; 
said  they  made  it  a  point  to  entertain  some  of  their 
friends  every  evening,  play  cards  a  little,  dance, 
perhaps,  and  enjoy  themselves  generally.  She 
further  informed  Frank  that  she  had  a  large  circle 
of  aristocratic  acquaintances >  to  whom  she  could 
introduce  a  friend.  m 

She  finally  said  it  was  time  to  go  home  ;  that  she 
lived  only  a  short  distance  from  there,  and  should 
walk.  As  it  was  quite  dark  and  unpleasant,  Frank 
felt  bound  to  offer  himself  as  an  escort,  which  offer 
was  accepted. 

Before  leaving,  she  went  out  and  had  a  long  con- 
sultation with  the  broker,  which  was  earned  on  in 
a  low  tone.  At  length  the  broker  came  in  alone, 
and  whispered  to  Frank  that  the  lady  was  not 
averse  to  a  lover  herself,  and  had  taken  a  liking  to 
him;  but  charged  him  by  everything  high  and 
low  not  to  intimate  that  she  had  whispered  such  a 
thing  to  him,  for  she  (Cunningham)  knew  nothing 
of  it,  and  she  (the  broker)  had  done  it  entirely  of 
her  own  notion. 

Mrs.  Cunningham  soon  after  announced  her  rea- 
diness to  go,  and  the  two  set  out  in  company.  She 
went  to  the  Fifth  Avenue  and  turned  down.  As 


CUNNINGHAM   IN   FIFTH   AVENUE.  333 

they  passed  the  palatial  residences  of  that  street, 
she  would  point  out  a  house  and  say  Mr.  So-and-so 
lived  there,  and  that  she  was  an  intimate  friend  of 
the  family.  Finally  she  paused  before  an  elegant 
dwelling,  and  turned  to  the  gate  as  though  she 
intended  to  enter ;  but  suddenly  turned  away, 
saying :  "  I  have  a  sister  living  here,  and  intended 
to  stop,  but  as  it  is  so  late  I  think  on  the  whole  I 
will  not." 

The  two  walked  on  to  Madison  Park,  and  Frank 
began  to  feel  fearful  he  should  meet  some  stray 
acquaintance,  of  whom  he  had  a  number  in  that 
locality,  and  became  exceedingly  anxious  to  get  rid 
of  his  charge.  He  therefore  remarked  that  he  had 
an  important  engagement  in  Brooklyn,  and  feared 
he  should  be  late.  "  I  have  to  go  over  the  South 
Ferry,"  added  he,  "  and  I  see  there  is  a  South  Ferry 
omnibus." 

"  You  had  better  take  it,"  said  Mrs.  Cunningham. 
"  I  only  want  to  go  around  to  Lexington  Avenue 
to  make  a  call,  and  can  just  as  well  go  alone.  I 
have-  a  friend  there  who  will  accompany  me  home." 
"  It  is  very  ungallant,"  said  Frank,  "  to  leave  a 
lady  alone  in  the  street  at  this  hour ;  yet,  if  it  will 
make  no  difference  with  you,  haste  must  be  my 
apology." 


334:  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

"It  will  not  make  the  slightest  difference,  I 
assure  you,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  Cunningham;  and 
after  renewing  his  promise  to  meet  her  at  Mrs.  "Wil- 
lis's the  next  Friday  afternoon,  he  bade  her  good-- 
night. 


THE     SECOND     INTERVIEW     OF     MR.     FITZGERALD     AND 
MRS.     CUNNINGHAM. 

The  next  Friday,  at  five  o'clock,  both  parties 
were  at  the  matrimonial  office,  according  to  agree- 
ment. Mr.  Fitzgerald  observed  that  Mrs.  Cun- 
ningham had  a  pale,  haggard  and  sleepy  look ;  and 
she  felt  called  on  to  apologize,  which  she  did  by 
saying  she  was  up  all  the  previous  night  with  a 
sick  person. 

"  I  am  a  great  nurse,"  said  she,  "  and  as  you  are 
complaining  of  a  bad  cold  and  headache,  I  think  I 
shall  have  to  try  my  skill  with  you." 

Frank  replied  that  he  was  indeed  quite  ill,  and 
doubted  not  her  treatment  would  soon  restore  him ; 
but  at  once  changed  the  subject  by  inquiring  after 
the  young  lady  of  whom  she  had  previously  spoken 
to  him. 

Mrs.  Cunningham  replied  that  she  was  well,  but 
that  it  took  a  widow  for  a  good  nurse ;  and  other- 


A  BENEVOLENT  PROPOSITION.  335 

wise  managed  to  attract  conversation  to  herself. 
She  finally  said : 

"  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  sir,  if  you  want  to  get 
cured,  come  with  me." 

"  Do  you  propose  to  introduce  me  to  your  family 
to-night?" 

"  Oh  no,  sir.  The  time  may  come  when  that 
will  do ;  but  it  will  not  do  yet ;  you  cannot 
even  know  my  name.  When  we  know  each 
other  well  enough — when  I  know  who  you  are, 
and  you  know  who  I  am,  then  I  will  invite  you  to 
my  house.  But  until  that  time  comes  I  shall  not 
do  so." 

"  I  thought,"  suggested  Frank,  "  by  your  speak- 
ing of  nursing  me,  that  you  would  take  me  under 
your  care  at  home." 

"  E"o.  There  are  plenty  of  restaurants  where  we 
can  go.  You  are,  I  presume,  acquainted  with  some 
of  them." 

"  I  don't  know  that  I  am.  The  truth  is,  I  have 
led  a  very  quiet  and  straightforward  life  in  New 
York." 

"Well,  there  are  plenty  of  places  where  we 

can  go.  There  is  one  at  the  corner  of 

street  and  Broadway,  where  we  can  have  a 
room  to  ourselves,  and  be  waited  on  in  good  style." 


MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Tliis  conversation  was  interlarded  with  much 
irrelevant  gossip,  and  by  this  time  it  was  quite 
dark.  Fitzgerald  thought  he  fully  comprehended 
Mrs.  Cunningham's  meaning,  and  resolved  to 
retreat  at  once.  He,  therefore,  remarked  that  he 
was  too  unwell  to  remain  longer,  but  would  go 
directly  home,  and  take  some  medicine  for  his  cold. 
At  the  same  time  he  took  out  his  pocket-book,  and 
said : 

"  I  trust,  madam,  as  I  cannot  remain  longer 
to-night,  you  will  not  be  offended  if  I  offer  you  a 
small  present,  merely  as  a  token  of  sincerity.  It 
is,  of  course,  but  a  trifle,  and  nothing  to  what  I 
shall  expect  to  do  for  you  if  our  acquaintance  con- 
tinues." 

Saying  which  he  took  out  a  formidable  roll  of 
bank  notes,  and  handed  her  five  dollars. 

Mrs.  Cunningham  took  the  money  without  hesi- 
tation, and  said: 

"  I  thank  you.  I  have  done  nothing  to  deserve 
it ;  but  perhaps  I  shall  be  able  to  in  future." 

"At  any  rate  you  are  quite  welcome  to  so  small 
a  trifle,  and  I  trust  you  will  never  have  cause  to 
charge  me  with  ingratitude,"  replied  Frank. 

He  was  about  to  leave,  but  Mrs.  Cunningham 
called  him  back. 


FITZGKEALD   THINKS    OF   BOND   STREET.  337 

"  It  is  early  yet,"  said  she,  "  and  I  am  really 
troubled  about  your  cold.  You  have  a  bad  cough, 
I  perceive,  and  if  you  are  not  attended  to  at  once, 
I  fear  it  will  amount  to  something  serious." 

"I  hope  not,"  replied  Frank. 

"  The  truth  is,  there  are  few  people  who  know 
how  to  nurse  a  sick  person,"  she  continued,  quite 
earnestly.  "I  can  cure  you  of  your  cold,  I  am  sure, 
so  you  will  not  feel  it  to-morrow.  Come,  go  with 
me  to  the  place  I  speak  of,  and  I  will  fix  you  up  a 
punch  which  I  am  sure  will  cure  you" 

Mr.  Fitzgerald  thought  of  the  pile  of  bills  he  had 
displayed — thought  of  the  ugly  side  glances  cast  on 
him  more  than  once  during  the  evening — thought 
of  Bond  street  and  the  bloody  tragedy — and  finally 
of  the  possibility  of  a  punch  which  would  not  only 
cure  his  cold,  but  all  the  ills  his  flesh  was  heir  to,  and 
found  the  association  of  ideas  decidedly  unpleasant. 

"  I  am  much  obliged  to  you,  madam,"  he  replied, 
not  allowing  any  of  his  thoughts  to  find  expression 
in  his  countenance ;  "  you  are  very  kind  indeed,  and 
I  believe  your  punch  would  cure  me ;  but  really  I 
must  deny  myself  the  pleasure  to-night.  I  feel  so 
ill  I  must  go  home  at  once." 

"  Well,"  she  said,  "  you  must  of  course  be  your 
own  judge." 

15 


338  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

The  broker  now  came  in,  and  began  to  talk  about 
the  execution  of  James  Rodgers,  the  boy-murderer, 
which  had  occurred  that  day,  and  an  account  of 
which,  it  seemed,  she  had  read  in  the  evening 
papers.  She  remarked  that  it  seemed  hard  to  hang 
so  young  a  person. 

"  How  did  he  bear  up  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Cunning- 
ham. 

"  Very  well,  I  believe,"  replied  Frank,  to  whom 
the  question  was  addressed ;  "  I  have  not  read  the 
account,  and  shall  not,  probably.  I  take  no  interest 
in  such  things,  and  could  never  understand  the 
great  love  the  public  seem  to  havejbr  murders  and 
hangings." 

"  But  you  must  see  accounts  of  these  things  in 
the  papers,"  said  Cunningham.  "We  have  a 
shocking  number  of  murders  in  New  York." 

"  Yes.  there  seems  to  be  a  great  propensity  for 
cutting  throats,  and  putting  men  out  of  the  way, 
among  you  New  Yorkers.  But  it  seems  that  most 
of  the  rascals  get  clear  here;  your  jurors  "acquit 
nearly  everybody  that  is  tried." 

Cunningham,  who  had  appeared  v-ery  nervous 
during  the  entire  interview,  seemed  more  so  at  this 
stage  of  the  conversation,  and  remarked  that  it  was 
a  difficult  thing  always  to  tell  who  was  guilty  and 


MRS.  C.  ON     REPOETEE8    AND    HANGING.         .339 

who  innocent ;  and  tliat  public  opinion  was  very 
unreliable  in  such  matters. 

Fitzgerald,  in  commenting  on  the  great  number 
of  startling  tragedies  which  the  JSTew  York  papers 
serve  up  with  such  vigor,  remarked  that  he  had 
always  supposed  the  accounts  were  exaggerated. 

"  They  are  exaggerated,"  said  Cunningham. 
"  The  papers  are  not  to  be  relied  upon  at  all. 
The  reporters  are  a  set  of  vultures  that  beset  a  per- 
son the  moment  anything  occurs,  and  if  they  can't 
get  anything  true  that  suits  them,  they  make  it  out 
of  whole  cloth.  The  reporters  will  lie  as  fast  as 
they  can  write,  and  they  may  use  short-hand  at 
that.  Look  how  they  worried  poor  old  Mr.  Blount's 
life  out  of  him.  They  make  a  thing  ten  times  worse 
than  it  would  be  if  they  would  let  it  alone.  They 
are  a  meddlesome,  lying  set." 

"  I  presume  it  is  for  their  interest  to  overdraw," 
responded  Frank ;  "  but  I  suppose  Rodgers  was 
really  hung." 

"  Yes,"  said  Cunningham,  "  I  suppose  the  poor 
fellow  was  killed.  It  is  a  barbarous  custom,  in  my 
opinion,  and  I  think  it  ought  to  be  abolished.  I 
don't  believe  in  capital  punishment.  I  remember, 
when  I  was  a  child,  of  seeing  a  man  hung  at  the 
Tombs ;  and  I  never  have  passed  the  Tombs  since 
but  I  have  thought  of  an  execution." 


340          MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE. 

"  A  hard  place  that  Tombs,  I  should  think,"  re- 
marked Frank,  thinking  desperately  of  Mrs.  Cun- 
ningham's capabilities  to  judge  of  that  establish 
ment  as  a  residence. 

"  It  is  a  horrible  place,"  she  replied  with  much 
earnestness ;  but  suddenly  checking  her  vehemence, 
added  :  "  at  least  I  should  think  so.  I  have  been 
there  as  a  visitor  several  times,  and  it  didn't  seem  to 
me  any  person  could  live  there." 

Fitzgerald  appointed  the  next  Monday  afternoon 
for  another  interview,  at  which  time,  he  said,  he 
hoped  to  be  in  better  health  and  spirits,  and  bade 
her  good  night. 

THE   THIRD   AND   LAST    INTERVIEW    OF   MR.    FITZGERALD 
AND   MRS.    CUNNINGHAM. 

Mr.  Fitzgerald  promptly  kept  his  appointment, 
and  found  that  Mrs.  Cunningham  was  no  less 
prompt.  He  believed  this  would  be  a  decisive 
interview,  and  was  busy  devising  means  for  ending 
an  acquaintance  which  had  commenced  wholly  by 
accident,  been  pursued  wholly  from  curiosity,  and 
which,  from  every  consideration,  he  felt  must  be 
immediately  terminated. 

Mrs.  Cunningham's  appearance  was  more  pale 
and  haggard  than  on  the  previous  occasion.  She 


MRS.  C.'S   SECOND   APOLOGY.  341 

was,  in  fact,  a  type  of  perfect  mental  misery,  or  of 
great  physical  prostration.  She  again  apologized, 
by  saying  that  they  had  a  wedding  at  her  house 
the  night  before.  "My  second  daughter,"  said  she, 
"fourteen  years  old,  was  married  last  night  to  a 
wealthy  Southern  planter.  He  is  much  older  than 
she,  but  loves  her  dearly,  and  I  hope  they  will  be 
happy." 

The  broker  soon  after  entered,  and  said  a  lady 
and  gentleman  were  present  who  wanted  the  parlor. 
"  As  we  are  all  pretty  well  acquainted  now,"  she 
said,  addressing  Frank,  "  perhaps  you  will  have  no 
objection  to  going  up-stairs.  There  is  a  pleasant 
room  directly  above  this,  and  I  have  ordered  fire 
and  lights." 

Fitzgerald  ascended  the  stairs,  followed  by  Cun- 
ningham, and  was  ushered  into  the  room  described 
by  the  broker.  There  was  a  bed  in  one  corner,  and 
a  cheerful  fire  in  the  grate. 

"Is  it  possible,"  thought  Frank,  "that  these 
people  have  concocted  a  scheme  to  charm  me  with 
this  society  until  a  late  hour,  to  rob  me  of  the 
roll  of  bills  they  think  I  carry !  Is  this  the  Delilah 
who  is  to  shear  my  locks,  that  somebody  may  cut 
my  throat  or  pick  my  pockets  ?" 

The  more  he  thought  of  it,  the  more  his  suspi- 


342  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

cions  were  aroused,  and  he  reflected  with  satisfac- 
tion on  the  means  of  defence  he  had  provided  in 
case  of  foul  play.     He  resolved  to  learn  definitely 
the  nature  of  Mrs.  Cunningham's  expectations,  and 
bring  his  visit  to  a  speedy  close.     He  accordingly 
seated  himself  near  a  front  window,  at  a  sufficient 
distance  to  watch  her  motions,  and  in  a  position  to 
observe  the  door,  which  he  did  closely,  and  com- 
menced a  jovial  conversation,  as  though  his  spirits 
were  undisturbed  by  any  of  the  apprehensions  re- 
ferred to.     Mrs.    Cunningham    plainly  intimated 
that  a  set  of  winter  furs  would  be  very  acceptable, 
and  that  seventy-five  or  a  hundred  dollars  would 
purchase  as  good  a  set  as  she  desired. 

Fitzgerald  went  into  a  long  discourse  on  the  lia- 
bility of  bachelors  to  lose  shirt-buttons,  and  have 
their  clothes  otherwise  disordered,  to  all  of  which 
Cunningham  assented,  and  professed  to  be  an  ex- 
cellent hand  to  look  after  such  matters. 

Gradually  she  threw  off  the  restraint  which  she 
had  formerly  observed  in  conversation,  and  finally, 
when  he  asked  her  directly  if  she  would  accom- 
pany him  South,  she  replied  in  the  affirmative 
without  hesitation  ;  and  when  he  intimated  there 
was  a  possibility  of  his  going  into  business  in  this 
city,  she  urged  him,  in  that  case,  to  buy  and  fur- 


FITZGEKALD    TRIES    TO    GET   AWAY.  343 

nisli  a  house  up  town,  wliicli  slie  pledged  herself  to 
take  care  of  in  the  best  style,  and  to  look  after  his 
general  welfare  in  the  most  satisfactory  manner  as 
long  as  he  remained  single.  As  a  slight  manifes- 
tation of  her  interest,  she  pinned  the  binding  to  the 
cuff  of  his  overcoat,  where  it  had  been  loosened. 

"  You  see,"  said  she,  "  I  am  a  good  hand  to  take 
care  of  things.  You  will  get  that  house  if  you 
come  here,  will  you  not  ?" 

"  I  will  see,"  replied  Frank,  looking  at  his  watch. 
"  I  will  think  the  matter  over;  but  I  have  an  en- 
gagement at  the  Lafarge  House  at  six  o'clock  this 
evening,  and  I  see  it  is  almost  six  o'clock  now." 

"  But  you  are  not  going  to  leave  me  so  soon  ?" 

"  Yes,  madam,  I  must  go  immediately." 

"  No ;  that  will  not  do.  You  must  spend  the 
evening  here  with  me.  There  is  a  good  fire,  and 
you  needn't  go." 

"  A  very  tempting  offer,  surely,"  replied  Frank  ; 
i  but,  indeed,  it  is  impossible  to  accept  your  gen- 
erous   invitation;    I    cannot    break    my    engage- 
ment." 

"Is  it  so  important  that  you  must  leave  me 
alone  here  ?" 

"  Yes,  it  is  on  business,  and  imperative.  Goorl 
evening,  madam." 


344  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

Fitzgerald  took  liis  hat  and  started  for  the  door ; 
but  Mrs.  Cunningham,  suddenly  rising,  said  with  a 
smile : 

"  No,  sir,  you  cannot  go." 

"  But  I  must  go." 

"  Nbj  sir,  you  shall  not  go  ;  you  shall  stay  here 
with  me-;"  and  so  saying,  she  seized  him  by 
the  arm,  and  hurled  him  back  into  the  chair. 
Fitzgerald  was  astonished  at  her  great  muscular 
strength. 

"  There  is  power  enough,"  thought  he,  "  to  over- 
come half  the  dentists  in  Bond  street  united." 
She  handled  him,  in  spite  of  his  resistance, 
as  a  strong  man  would  handle  a  child.  He 
again  attempted  to  go,  and  again  she  forcibly 
drew  him  back,  this  time  giving  him  two  or 
three  whirls  with  one  hand,  with  the  utmost  ease. 

"  Sit  down,"  said  she  ;  "  I  told  you  you  could  not 
go.  You  see  I  am  bound  to  have  my  way." 

"  Indeed,  madam,  you  seem  determined  to  detain 
me ;  but  I  repeat  I  must  go,  and  shall  not  remain 
another  minute,"  said  Frank,  firmly. 

"  You  will  go  if  I  choose  to  let  you  out  of  the 
door,"  said  Cunningham. 

"And  if  you  do  not  choose  to  let  me  out  of  the 
door,  I  will  go." 


,,m,,,iiiililiiiii!iii|yuii iiti.ii'i  iliillliliiiliiii!,!  liiltliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiijiiiiiiiiiiii, 


Mr.  Fitzgerald  is  invited  to  Sit  Down — PA<;:;  ?>U. 


FITZGERALD  A   PRISONER.  345 

"  No  ;  you  will  spend  this  evening  with  me.  We 
will  play  cards  ;  you  must  deal." 

The  mention  of  "  dealing  "  reminded  Fitzgerald 
that  a  present  might  not  be  unacceptable,  and  he 
took  out  his  porte-monnaie. 

"  Perhaps  you  will  accept  a  little  parting  pre- 
sent?" 

"  Yes,'  thank  you,  sir,"  said  she,  taking  the  prof- 
fered bank  note.  "  If  you  are  determined  to  go,  I 
will  let  you  off  if  you  will  fix  a  time  for  seeing  me 
again." 

"  Monday,  four  o'clock,"  said  Frank,  quite  anx- 
ious to  get  out  doors. 

"  Yery  well ;  now  you  may  go.  I  hope  you  will 
decide  to  take  that  house  up  town." 

"Before  I  meet  you  here  again,",  replied 
Frank,  "I  shall  decide  definitely  what  course  to 
pursue." 

Fitzgerald  descended  to  the  hall,  with  the  inten- 
tion of  going  directly  out ;  but  the  hall  was  pro- 
foundly dark,  and  the  house  was  silent  as  a  tomb. 
He  groped  his  way  to  the  door,  but  to  his  con- 
sternation found  it  bolted  and  locked,  and,  as 
he  thought,  the  key  removed.  It  was,  of  course, 
an  easy  matter  to  slip  back  the  bolt ;  but  this  did 
no  good ;  he  was  a  prisoner,  watched,  for  all  he 

15* 


34:6  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

knew,  by  some  lurking  assassin,  who  was  awaiting 
in  the  dark  a  favorable  opportunity  to  dispatch 
him. 

He  groped  his  way  to  the  basement  stairs,  and 
pounding  with  all  his  might  and  main,  called  for 
Mrs.  "Willis  to  come  and  let  him  out.  There  was, 
however,  no  response ;  the  basement,  so  far  as  he 
could  see,  was  as  dark  and  silent  as  the  hall.  He 
pounded  and  called  several  minutes  in  vain ;  and 
finally  discovered  there  was  a  light  in  the  parlor. 
He  rapped  upon  the  door,  but  received  no  answer. 
After  rapping  several  times  he  tried  the  door,  and 
was  relieved  to  find  it  unfastened.  He  looked  in 
but  the  parlor  was  vacant. 

"  Ah,"  thought  he,  "  the  broker  told  me  she 
wanted  the  parlor  for  the  use  of  a  lady  and  gentle- 
man, but  I  see  that  was  all  moonshine ;  it  was  only 
a  stratagem  to  get  me  up-stairs,  plotted  undoubt- 
edly long  before  I  came." 

Fitzgerald  had  confided  to  a  friend  the  history  of 
his  former  adventures,  and  this  friend  was  of  opin- 
ion that  he  had  undertaken  an  unpropitious  busi- 
ness, and  was  dealing  with  customers  he  should  not 
trust  too  far.  He  therefore  consented,  at  Fitzger- 
ald's request,  to  follow  him  to  the  house,  and  keep 
up  a  sharp  watch  outside,  and  be  ready  to  go  to  his 


AN   EXCITING   SITUATION.  347 

assistance  at  call,  if  anything  should  occur.  Fitz- 
gerald confesses  that  during  the  period  we  are  de- 
scribing, he  thanked  his  stars  this  friend  was  so 
near  him,  for  he  now  firmly  believed  the  women 
had  laid  a  plot  to  rob  him.  But  once  in  the  par- 
lor, he  felt  comparatively  safe.  He  resolved,  if  not 
released  immediately,  to  smash  one  of  the  windows 
if  he  could  not  raise  it,  and  leap  into  the  street — a 
feat  easily  accomplished. 

He  determined,  however,  to  make  one  more 
effort  to  go  out  regularly,  and  returning  to  the 
basement  stairs,  set  up  such  a  pounding  and  calling 
as  must  have  penetrated  every  part  of  the  house. 
There  was  no  response,  however;  and  what  ap- 
peared singular,  notwithstanding  Mrs.  Cunningham 
must  have  heard  him  from  the  first,  she  paid  no 
attention  to  him  whatever ;  he  did  not  see  her 
again,  nor  hear  a  syllable  from  her  lips,  more 
than  he  would  had  she  been  a  thousand  miles 
distant. 

Not  receiving  any  answer  to  his  fruitless  blows 
and  calls,  he  returned  to  the  parlor,  and  seizing  a 
chair,  was  advancing  to  charge  the  window,  when 
he  heard  footsteps.  He  waited,  ready  for  peace  or 
for  war,  and  soon  the  broker  came  up  the  base- 


34:8  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

ment  stairs  with  a  lamp,   and  asked  what  waa 
wanted. 

"  I  want  to  get  out  of  this  house,"  said  Frank. 
"  You  seem  to  have  taken  the  liberty  of  fastening 
me  in  here." 

"  Oh3  Mr.  Fitzgerald,  is  this  you  ?"  she  ex- 
claimed, with  apparent  surprise.  "  It  seems  to 
me  you  do  not  make  us  a  long  visit  to-night." 

"I  have  stayed  considerably  longer  than  I 
wanted  to.  I  have  been  trying  to  get  out  here, 
and  pounding  and  calling  until  I  expected  the 
police  would  be  in  to  quell  the  disturbance.  I 
concluded  you  were  deaf.  Didn't  you  hear  me  ?" 

Mrs.  "Willis  made  no  reply,  but  unlocked  the 
door,  and  Fitzgerald,  without  standing  upon  cere- 
mony, walked  out,  breathing  freer,  and  went  di- 
rectly to  his  lodgings. 

Next  day  he  called  upon  his  friend  for  informa- 
tion relative  to  outside  movements,  and  the  fur- 
ther proceedings  of  the  Bond  street  widow.  He 
learned  that  his  trusty  companion  had  watched  the 
house  during  the  entire  period  of  his  visit,  and  had 
discovered  various  appearances  which,  under  the 
circumstances,  he  regarded  as  suspicious.  A  rough 
customer,  who  had  watched  him  closely,  went  first 


MRS.  CUNNINGHAM   TRACKED.  349 

into  the  front  yard,  and  subsequently  disappeared 
in  the  rear,  and  upon  examination,  the  friend  found 
a  rear  entrance  to  the  premises. 

After  Fitzgerald  left  the  house,  the  friend  kept 
his  eye  constantly  upon  the  door,  and  after  waiting 
some  time,  saw  a  lady  in  black  come  into  the  street, 
who,  from  her  dress  and  figure,  he  believed  to  be 
Mrs.  Cunningham.  She  turned  towards  Fifth  Ave- 
nue, and  he,  being  stationed  between  the  house 
and  that  street,  walked  on,  and  turned  the  corner, 
where  he  stopped  in  the  shadow  of  a  lamp-post. 
He  expected  she  would  pass  him  immediately,  but 
she  spent  some  time,  apparently  in  looking  about, 
as  if  to  see  whether  she  was  watched.  Finally, 
however,  she  passed,  and  the  fall  gaslight  on  her 
countenance  made  him  certain  he  had  not  mis- 
taken the  individual.  She  saw  hima  and  gave 
him  a  scrutinizing  look,  but  finally  went  on  and 
hailed  an  omnibus.  He  followed  until  he  thought 
there  was  an  opportunity  to  enter  unobserved, 
when  he  took  passage  in  the  same  vehicle.  Mrs. 
Cunningham  kept  her  face  turned  from  those  in  the 
coach,  and  rode  on  to  White  street,  when  she  got 
out  and  went  to  "No.  — ,  a  house  on  the  north  side, 
not  far  from  West  Broadway,  which  she  entered. 


350  MATRIMONIAL   BROKERAGE. 

This  house  is  one  in  which  rooms  are  let  without 
board,  and  is  by  no  means  as  magnificent  as  the 
residences  of  Fifth  Avenue,  which  she  had  pointed 
out  to  Fitzgerald  as  the  home  of  her  friends. 


APPENDIX. 


APPENDIX. 


[From  the  Daily  Evening  Post,  Feb.  14.] 
THE  MATRIMONIAL  BROKERAGE  ARTICLES. 

WE  publish  to-day  the  concluding  chapter  of  "  Matri- 
monial Brokerage  in  the  Metropolis" — a  series  of  articles 
the  first  of  which  appeared  in  the  EVENING  POST  about  six 
months  ago,  and  which,  we  believe,  exposes  nearly  every 
phase  of  swindling  perpetrated  by  means  of  matrimonial 
offices  and  matrimonial  advertisements. 

The  subject  was  novel,  and  the  writer  of  the  articles  is 
the  first  who  has  given  it  a  thorough  investigation.  His 
inquiries  have  been  long  and  laborious,  and  not  always  plea- 
sant ;  but  the  results,  as  he  has  given  them,  are  in  every 
essential  respect  authentic.  Some  doubt  has  been  expressed, 
by  correspondents  and  others,  as  to  the  truth  of  his  descrip- 
tions of  the  several  interviews  held  in  a  recent  instance, 
but  we  are  assured,  on  the  best  of  evidence,  that  they 
are  nothing  more  nor  less  that  a  faithful  report  of  what 
took  place  and  was  said.  If  we  had  not  been  convinced 
of  this,  the  articles  would  not  have  been  printed  in  this 
paper.  The  author,  moreover,  has  many  letters  and 
documents  that  have  fallen  into  his  hands,  and  which  we 
have  seen,  confirmatory  of  the  stories  he  has  narrated. 

858 


354  APPENDIX. 

The  exposures  demonstrate  that,  although  some  may  be 
honest  in  announcing  themselves  as  candidates  for  matri- 
mony, the  advertisements  are  generally  the  masks  of 
schemes  of  licentiousness,  extortion  or  robbery.  They 
often  emanate  from  matrimonial  offices,  or  people  who 
patronize  them,  and  are  published  for  grossly  improper 
purposes.  Of  those  which  come  from  "  outsiders,"  a  few 
are  put  forth  by  curious  and  mischievous  persons,  and  are 
comparatively  harmless.  Others  are  inserted  for  the  pur- 
pose of  getting  foolish  men  of  property  within  the  power 
of  the  advertiser,  and  in  order  to  "  levy  black  mail,"  as  it 
is  termed,  or  to  rob  them  outright. 

Matrimonial  brokers,  as  the  readers  of  the  articles  must 
be  aware,  make  the  highest  professions  of  respectability 
and  honor  for  themselves  and  their  patrons.  But  the 
truth  is  they  have  themselves  no  means  of  guarding 
against  deception,  even  if  they  were  so  disposed  ;  and 
their  assertions  that  they  require  references  and  certificates 
of  good  character,  are  unfounded  pretences,  to  gain  the 
confidence  of  customers. 

The  practice  of  personating  women  said  to  be  worth  a 
large  amount  of  property,  who,  in  fact,  would  be  penniless 
but  for  the  liberality  of  lovers,  is  not  uncommon  among 
them,  and  the  experience  of  Mr.  Gillette,  in  one  of  the  num- 
bers, is  a  fair  illustration  of  their  titles  to  virtue.  Many 
breach  of  promise  cases  arise  from  acquaintances  formed  in 
matrimonial  offices  and  by  means  of  advertisements,  a  fact 
which  is  illustrated  by  the  history  of  Mr.  Jenkins,  in 
another  number.  In  short,  it  may  be  taken  for  granted, 
in  nearly  every  case,  that  these  proceedings  are  designed 
to  decoy  unthinking,  inexperienced  and  heedless  per- 
sons into  some  trap,  either  to  wheedle  them  out  of  their 


AFPENDIX.  355 

money,  or  to  put  them  in  a  position  in  which  they  will  be 
completely  in  the  power  of  the  sharpers. 

We  believe  that  the  writer  who  makes  these  exposures 
has  rendered  a  service  to  the  public,  and  the  book  which 
he  proposes  to  form  from  his  contributions  will  contain 
much  valuable  information.  In  a  city  as  large  as  New 
York  there  is  always  a  large  number  of  gullible  people, 
both  male  and  female,  and  a  large  number  of  rascals  to 
gull  them,  and  one  of  the  duties  of  the  public  press  is  to 
indicate  and  describe  the  various  methods  by  which  the 
process  is  accomplished. 


From  the  Evening  Post  of  March  5,  1859. 
THE  NEW  CHAPTER  IN  THE  HISTORY   OF 

MRS.-   CUNNINGHAM-BURDELL. 


Its  Truth  Proven— Affidavits  of  A.  C.  Hills,  the  Author  of  "  Matrimonial  Broker- 
age," and  of  A.  J.  Marsh,  Reporter  in  the  United  States  Senate. 

SOME  of  our  contemporaries  have  expressed  doubts  in 
relation  to  the  truth  of  the  new  chapter  in  the  life  of 
Mrs.  Cunningham,  which  recently  appeared  in  the  EVEN- 
ING POST.  As  we  stated  at  the  time  of  its  publication, 
it  would  never  have  appeared  in  this  paper  had  we  not 
been  fully  satisfied  of  its  truth.  We  now  lay  before  our 
readers  the  folio  wing  affidavits,  which  fully  explain  them- 
selves, and  place  the  truth  of  the  statements  beyond  a 
doubt. 

AFFIDAVIT   OF   A.    C.    HILLS. 

City  and  County  of  New  York— State  of  New  York,  ss. — Alfred 
C.  Hills,  of  the  city  and  county  of  New  York,  being  duly  sworn, 
deposeth  and  saith,  that  he  is  city  editor  of  the  New  York  EVENING 
POST,  and  is  the  author  of  a  book  entitled  "  Matrimonial  Brokerage  in 
the  Metropolis,"  published  by  Thatcher  &  Hutchinson,  of  523  Broad- 
way, including  Chapter  XXXIII.,  which  chapter  is  entitled  "  A  New 
and  Singular  Chapter  in  the  History  of  Mrs.  Cunningham-Bur  dell ;" 
that  the  said  chapter  was  published  in  the  Daily,  Semi-Weekly  and 
Weekly  Evening  Post  and  copied  by  various  newspapers  of  this 
country  and  of  Canada. 

866 


AFFIDAVITS.  357 

This  deponent  farther  saith,  that  the  statements  contained  in  the 
said  thirty-third  chapter  of  said  book,  relative  to  three  certain  inter- 
views between  Mrs.  Cunningham,  otherwise  called  Burdell,  and  Mrs. 
Jessie  Willis,  the  Matrimonial  Broker,  and  C.  Frank  Fitzgerald,  are 
true  in  every  essential  particular ;  that  he  did  not  write  the  said  chap- 
ter from  mere  rumor  or  hearsay,  but  that  the  facts  there  set  forth  are 
true  of  his  own  personal  knowledge,  except  such  part  of  said  chap- 
ter as  relates  to  the  observations  of  a  third  party  outside  the  house. 
Deponent  further  saith,  that  in  the  month  of  November,  1857,  he 
called  the  attention  of  one  of  his  employers — to  wit,  one  of  the  chief 
editors  of  the  Evening  Post — to  the  advertisement  of  a  matrimonial 
office  in  the  New  York  Herald,  and  that  under  the  advice  of  said 
editor,  this  deponent  commenced  an  investigation  of  said  matrimonial 
office ;  that  his  observations  induced  the  belief  that  the  system  of 
matrimonial  brokerage  and  matrimonial  advertisements,  as  carried  on 
in  this  city,  is  a  fraud  and  a  snare  to  entrap  ignorant  and  unsuspecting 
persons,  and  ought  to  be  exposed ;  that  still  acting  under  advice  and 
in  service  of  his  employers,  he  followed  the  said  inquiries,  and  was 
astonished  at  the  deceit,  falsehood  and  fraud  which  he  discovered  at 
every  step,  and  which  he  has  exposed  in  the  book  before  alluded  to  in 
this  affidavit;  that  this  deponent,  under  assumed  names,  investigated 
every  office  of  the  kind  known  by  him  to  exist  in  New  York  and 
Brooklyn,  and  answered  a  great  number  of  matrimonial  advertise- 
ments which  appeared  in  the  New  York  Herald,  and  that  by  a  labo- 
rious investigation  of  about  fourteen  months,  this  deponent  collected 
the  facts  which  were  partially  set  forth  in  the  articles  he  has  published 
in  the  Evening  Post,  and  are  fully  set  forth  in  the  book  entitled 
"  Matrimonial  Brokerage  in  the  Metropolis." 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  in  the  month  of  September 
last,  and,  as  he  believes,  on  Tuesday,  the  7th  of  that  month,  under  the 
assumed  name  of  Fitzgerald,  and  representing  himself  to  be  from  St. 
Louis,  and  a  man  of  wealth  and  leisure,  he  visited  the  matrimonial 
office  of  Mrs.  Jessie  Willis ;  that  the  first  advertisement  of  this  place 
which  he  saw  did  not  give  the  street  or  number  of  said  office,  but 
stated  that  parties  wishing  to  be  introduced,  with  a  view  to  matri- 
mony, could  ascertain  the  same  by  calling  at  the  Broadway  post-office 
for  Mrs.  Jessie  Willis ;  that  this  deponent  did  so  inquire,  and  received 
a  card  in  an  envelope  directed  to  Mrs.  Jessie  Willie,  and  that  upon 
said  card  were  inscribed  the  words—"  Mrs.  Jessie  Willis,  No.  18  West 


358  APPENDIX. 

Forty-third  street,"  or  words  to  that  effect ;  that  after  obtaining  the 
said  card,  this  deponent  went  to  the  said  office  or  house,  at  No.  18 
West  Forty-third  street;  that  he  there  had  an  interview  with  a 
woman  calling  herself  Mrs.  Willis  ;  that  said  Mrs.  Willis  claimed  and 
protested  her  house  was  perfectly  respectable,  and  that  nothing  impro- 
per was  allowed  therein ;  that  these  claims  and  protestations  were 
wholly  voluntary  on  the  part  of  the  said  Mrs.  Willis,  as  this  deponent 
did  not  in  any  manner  question  the  respectability  of  said  house,  and 
did  not  suggest  anything  improper. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  said  Mrs.  Willis  promised,  if  he 
would  call  at  her  office  or  house  the  next  Thursday,  she  would  introduce 
him  to  a  young  lady  whom  she  represented  as  accomplished,  virtuous 
and  beautiful,  provided  the  mother  of  the  said  young  lady  should  be 
willing  to  have  such  introduction  take  place ;  that  said  Mrs.  Willis 
represented  the  said  mother  to  be  very  strict  in  watching  and  guard- 
ing said  young  lady,  and  that  said  young  lady  had  none  of  the  follies 
and  vices  of  society ;  that  the  said  mother  would,  in  four  or  six  weeks, 
go  to  Mexico,  where  she  had  very  wealthy  relatives,  and  thus  secure 
to  her  daughter  large  estates,  and  that  her  daughter,  the  said  young 
lady,  did  not  wish  to  go,  and  that  the  said  mother  would  consent  to 
have  her  remain  in  this  country,  provided  she  could  see  her  suitably 
married  ;  but  that  if  such  young  lady  did  not  become  engaged  to  a 
suitable  person  before  said  mother  sailed  for  Mexico,  said  young  lady 
would  accompany  her  thither ;  that  this  deponent  then  believed  these 
representations  to  be  false  and  made  witli  intent  to  decoy  this  depo- 
nent, and  that  he  therefore  promised  to  call  the  next  Thursday,  for 
the  purpose  of  discovering  and  exposing  the  scheme. 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  on  the  occasion  of  the  said 
first  interview  with  the  said  Mrs.  Willis  (which  interview  lasted  more 
than  an  hour,)  the  said  Mrs.  Willis  told  this  deponent  that  although 
she  did  not  allow  anything  improper  in  her  own  house,  she  would,  for 
the  sum  of  one  dollar,  give  him  a  card  which  would  introduce  him  to 
one  of  the  gayest  circles  of  New  York,  and  that  the  place  in  question 
was  not  a  house  of  ill  repute,  but  a  fashionable  millinery  shop  in  19th 
street,  near  Fifth  avenue,  resorted  to  by  some  of  the  most  fashionable 
ladies  in  the  Fifth  avenue,  the  wives  and  daughters  of  wealthy  and  res- 
pectable citizens,  whose  husbands  and  fathers  did  not  supply  them 
with  sufficient  funds  to  purchase  such  costly  clothing  and  jewelry  as 
they  desired,  and  who  resorted  to  disreputable  means  to  procure  the 


AFFIDAVITS.  359 

same,  and  expected  liberal  presents  from  gentlemen  to  whom  they 
were  introduced ;  that  deponent  took  this  card,  and  laid  the  facts 
before  one" of  his  employers  before  alluded  to  in  this  affidavit;  that 
this  deponent  is  informed  and  believes  that  said  employer  stated  these 
facts  to  one  of  the  Police  Commissioners  of  this  city,  and  that  a  police- 
man investigated  the  statements  of  said  Mrs.  Willis ;  and  this  depo- 
nent is  informed  and  believes  that  said  pretended  millinery  shop  is  a 
house  of  assignation,  and  that  Mrs.  Willis's  said  statements  where 
wholly  and  utterly  false,  and  were  made  with  intent  to  defraud  this 
deponent  of  large  sums  of  money,  and  this  deponent  believes  the 
said  Mrs.  Willis  expected  to  share  the  same. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  on  the  Thursday  succeeding  his 
first  visit  at  the  said  matrimonial  office  of  Mrs.  Willis,  he  again  called 
at  said  office,  and  was  introduced  by  Mrs.  Willis  to  the  young  lady  of 
whom  said  Mrs.  Willis  spoke  to  him  on  the  occasion  of  his  first  visit ; 
that  a  woman  whom  Mrs.  Willis  called  the  mother  of  the  said  young 
woman  afterwards  came  into  the  room,  and  after  some  conversation 
with  this  deponent,  invited  him  to  call  upon  her  pretended  daughter, 
'and  that  this  deponent  recognized  the  said  pretended  mother  as  the 
woman  who  succeeded  the  keeper  of  a  matrimonial  office  in  Fourth 
street  the  previous  spring,  and  changed  the  said  matrimonial  office,  as 
this  deponent  is  informed  and  believes,  into  a  disreputable  house,  as 
related  in  the  sixth  chapter  of  the  book  before  alluded  to  in  this  affi- 
davit ;  and  this  deponent  believes  that  the  said  pretended  mother  and 
daughter,  and  the  said  Mrs.  Willis,  had  conspired  together  to  rob  or 
defraud  this  deponent. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  in  the  latter  part  of  October  or 
the  first  part  of  November  last  (and  he  believes  in  November),  he 
again  visited  the  said  matrimonial  office  in  West  43d  street,  and  told 
the  kexeper  thereof  that  this  deponent  had  recognized  the  pretended 
mother  to  whom  she  had  introduced  him  as  above  stated ;  whereupon 
the  said  Mrs.  Willis  professed  great  surprise,  and  disclaimed  all  know- 
ledge of  the  fact,  and  expressed  fears  that  said  mother  would  ruin  the 
daughter ;  but  that  subsequently  this  deponent  was  informed  by 
Mrs.  Willis  that  she,  the  said  Mrs.  Willis,  opened  a  matrimonial  office 
in  the  house  of  the  said  woman  in  Fourth  street  the  previous  spring, 
but  that  she  abandoned  the  same  in  a  few  days,  for  the  reason  that  the 
said  woman  charged  said  Mrs.  Willis  more  room-rent  than  she  was 


360  APPENDIX. 

willing  to  pay ;  from  which  this  deponent  believes  that  said  Mrs.  Wil- 
lis knew  the  character  of  said  woman,  and  knew  that  she  kept  a  house 
of  ill-fame,  and  that  the  said  Mrs.  Willis,  and  the  said  woman,  and 
the  said  pretended  daughter,  had  conspired  together  to  deceive  and 
defraud  this  deponent. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  after  disclaiming  all  knowledge  of 
said  woman's  bad  character,  the  said  Mrs.  Willis  told  this  deponent 
she  would  introduce  him  to  a  young  widow ;  that  subsequently  this 
deponent  called  at  said  office  again  to  be  introduced,  but  that  said 
young  widow  did  not  come ;  that  said  Mrs.  Willis  expressed  surprise 
thereat,  and  finally  told  this  deponent  there  was  then  in  the  next 
room  a  widow  who  was  older  than  this  deponent,  but  who  was  lively 
and  intelligent  in  conversation,  to  whom  she  would  introduce  him  as 
a  passing  acquaintance ;  that  this  deponent  assented  to  this  proposi- 
tion, and  that  said  Mrs.  Willis  immediately  led  in  a  woman  whose  true 
'name  she  did  not  announce,  but  whom  this  deponent  instantly  recog- 
nized as  Mrs.  Emma  Augusta  Cunningham,  otherwise  called  Burdell, 
the  same  who  was  tried  for  the  murder  of  Dr.  Harvey  Burdell,  on  the 
night  of  January  30th,  1857. 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  he  is  positive  the  said 
woman  to  whom  he  was  introduced  by  the  said  Mrs.  Willis' was  the 
said  Mrs.  Cunningham,  otherwise  called  Burdell,  and  that  he  could  not 
have  been  mistaken  in  her  identity,  inasmuch  as  he  had  two  inter- 
views with  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  while  she  was  a  prisoner  in  the 
Tombs  awaiting  her  trial  for  the  murder  of  Burdell,  and  that  one  of 
these  interviews  was  protracted,  as  he  believes,  to  about  an  hour,  and 
that  in  the  Evening  Post  of  the  same  date — to  wit,  the  17th  day  of 
February,  1857 — he  published  an  account  of  said  interview;  that 
this  deponent  also  reported  evidence  on  the  said  Burdell  trial,  one 
hour  each  day,  for  successive  days,  for  the  daily  Herald,  and  saw  the 
said  Mrs.  Cunningham  every  day  of  such  reporting  ;  that  he  has  sub- 
sequently met  her  repeatedly  in  the  streets  of  New  York,  and  cannot 
be  mistaken  as  to  her  identity. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  after  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham 
was  led  into  the  parlor  of  the  said  matrimonial  office,  at  No.  18  West 
Forty-third  street,  she  looked  sharply  at  this  deponent,  as  if  deciding 
mentally  whether  she  had  before  met  him  ;  that  this  deponent  assumed 
the  air  of  a  stranger,  and  treated  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  with  the 


AFFIDAVITS.  361 

politeness  and  courtesy  which  would  be  expected  under  the  circum- 
stances, and  that  said  Mrs.  Cunningham's  suspicions  seemed  to  be 
allayed  by  the  said  conduct  of  this  deponent. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  the  conversation  and  actions 
reported  in  the  thirty-third  chapter  of  the  book  on  "  Matrimonial 
Brokerage,"  before  alluded  to  (being  the  same  as  was  published  in  the 
Evening  Post,)  as  having  occurred  on  the  occasion  of  the  said  inter- 
view, did  then  and  there  actually  occur  as  related  in  the  said  chapter, 
and  that  the  said  chapter  is  a  correct,  and  true,  and  faithful  report  of 
the  same,  except  that  this  deponent  finds,  on  reference  to  a  letter 
written  to  Mrs.  Willis  about  the  time  of  this  occurrence,  that  the  first 
interview  occurred  on  Friday,  instead  of  Monday,  as  is  stated  in  said 
chapter ;  and  this  deponent  is  not  positive  that  the  room  from  which 
Mrs.  Willis  led  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  to  introduce  her  to  this  depo- 
nent connects  with  the  parlor  by  means  of  folding-doors ;  that  such 
was  his  impression  at  the  time  of  writing,  but  he  has  since  been 
informed  that  said  door  is  not  a  folding-door,  and  he  is  not  posi- 
tive in  relation  thereto;  but  with  these  exceptions,  this  deponent 
deposeth  that  the  statements  in  regard  to  said  interview  in  the  said 
thirty-third  chapter  are  true ;  that  he  has  not  imputed  to  said  Mrs. 
Cunningham  or  said  Mrs.  Willis  any  sentiment  they  did  not  express ; 
that  he  has  not  described  any  scene  which  did  not  then  actually  occur ; 
but  that  he  has  suppressed  considerable  conversation  which  he  did 
not  deem  of  sufficient  interest  or  importance  to  report. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  on  the  succeeding  Monday,  and 
the  succeeding  Friday,  respectively,  he  had  an  interview  with  the  said 
Mrs.  Cunningham  at  the  said  matrimonial  office  of  Mrs.  Willis,  and 
that  the  conversations  and  events  related  in  said  thirty-third  chapter 
as  then  occurring,  did  then  and  there  actually  occur,  as  related  in  said 
chapter,  except  that  this  deponent  remembers,  upon  reflection,  that 
the  fire  in  the  room  above  the  parlor  was  in  a  small  stove  instead  of 
a  grate,  and  that  although  there  were  gas-burners  in  the  house,  lamps 
were  used  for  light ;  and,  further,  the  conversation  respecting  James 
Rodgers,  the  boy-murderer,  occurred  at  the  third,  instead  of  the 
second  interview.  And  with  these  exceptions,  this  deponent  depo- 
seth that  the  narrative  relating  to  these  interviews  in  said  thirty-third 
chapter  are  true,  and  that  the  events  described  did  actually  occur. 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  on  the  occasion  of  the  second 
interview,  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  attempted  to  persuade  this  depo- 

16 


362  APPENDIX. 

nent  to  go  to  a  place  where  she  said  she  was  acquainted,  in  which  we, 
the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  and  this  deponent,  could  have  a  private 
room,  and  represented  that  she  would  prepare  a  punch  which  would 
cure  the  cold  from  which  this  deponent  was  suffering ;  that  this  depo- 
nent then  believed,  and  does  now  believe,  that  the  intent  of  the  said 
Mrs.  Cunningham  in  the  attempt  thus  to  persuade  him,  was  to  rob 
this  deponent,  or  to  entertain  him  while  confederates  should  rob  him. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  said  Mrs.  Cunningham,  on  the 
occasion  of  the  second  and  third  interviews,  accepted  presents  in 
money  from  this  deponent,  and  at  the  third  interview  offered  to  go 
South  and  live  with  this  deponent;  and  that  on  the  occasion  of  the 
third  interview,  when  this  deponent  attempted  to  leave  the  room,  he 
was  twice  detained  by  force,  and  against  his  will,  by  the  said  Mrs. 
Cunningham ;  that  when  he  escaped  to  the  hall  below,  said  hall  was 
dark,  and  the  door  bolted  and  locked,  and,  as  he  then  believed,  and 
now  believes,  the  key  had  been  removed ;  that  deponent  repeatedly 
called  in  vain  to  be  let  out,  as  described  in  said  thirty-third  chapter  ; 
and  this  deponent  believes  that  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  and  the 
said  Mrs.  Willis  had  conspired  together  to  rob  this  deponent. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  previous  to  his  third  interview 
with  Mrs.  Cunningham  in  said  matrimonial  office,  this  deponent 
requested  Andrew  J.  Marsh,  then  a  reporter  of  the  New  York  Even- 
ing Post,  and  now  a  reporter  in  the  Senate  of  the  United  States,  to 
go  to  said  office  about  the  time  this  deponent  had  engaged  to  meet 
said  Mrs.  Cunningham  therein,  and  to  watch  closely  said  house,  and 
to  remain  within  call,  prepared  to  go  to  the  assistance  of  this  depo- 
nent if  violence  should  be  offered  him,  and  to  follow  said  Mrs.  Cun- 
ningham, and,  if  possible,  ascertain  her  place  of  residence  or  place  of 
resort ;  that  said  Marsh,  whose  affidavit  is  hereunto  annexed,  did  con- 
sent to  go,  and  did  actually  go,  as  this  deponent  knows  of  his  own 
knowledge,  as  this  deponent,  after  leaving  said  office,  saw  the  said 
Marsh,  and  as  this  deponent  passed  him,  this  deponent  spoke  to  said 
Marsh  in  a  low  tone,  and  said :  "  She  is  there,  follow  her,"  or  words 
of  similiar  import,  which  this  deponent  does  not  distinctly  recall. 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  he  hath  a  clear  and  distinct 
recollection  of  the  conversations  and  occurrences  set  forth  in  the  said 
thirty-third  chapter ;  that  he  hath  related  them,  in  whole  or  in  part, 
to  several  'friends,  at  different  times,  including  the  said  A.  J.  Marsh, 
as  is  stated  in  his  affidavit. 


AFFIDAVITS.  363 

And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that,  from  motives  of  delicacy,  he 
hath,  in  the  said  chapter,  suppressed  remarks  made  by  the  said  Cun- 
ningham at  the  said  interviews,  and .  hath  in  some  instances  in  his 
narrative,  clothed  her  negotiations  in  less  objectionable  language  than 
was  employed  by  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  he  hath  seen  affidavits  of  the  said 
Mrs.  Cunningham  and  the  said  Mrs.  Willis,  in  which  they  deny  the 
statements  of  said  thirty-third  chapter,  and  that  a  note  hath  appeared 
in  the  Evening  Post,  signed,  "Emma  A.  Burdell,"  in  which  the  said 
statements  are  pronounced  "an  entire  fabrication,"  and  this  deponent 
is  credibly  informed  that  said  Mrs.  Cunningham  hath  avowed  her  in- 
tention to  publish  the  affidavits  of  herself  and  Mrs.  Willis  above 
alluded  to ;  and  this  deponent  believes  that  this,  his  avowal,  is  due  to 
the  editors  of  the  paper  which  published  his  narrative,  and  to  the 
gentlemen  who  have  published  his  book  containing  said  narrative. 

And  deponent  further  saith,  that  on  the  morning  of  Thursday,  the 
24th  inst.,  an  advertisement  of  Mrs.  Willis's  matrimonial  office  ap- 
peared in  the  New  York  Herald,  from  which  this  deponent  infers  that 
said  Mrs.  Willis  still  conducts  the  business  of  matrimonial  brokerage ; 
and  this  deponent  also  believes  that  the  public  are  entitled  to  know 
the  character  of  the  said  office,  and  the  responsibility  of  the  said  state- 
ments concerning  it;  and  that,  therefore,  this  deponent  hath  made 
this  affidavit. 

And  further  deponent  saith,  that  in  visiting  the  office  of  said  Mrs. 
Willis,  and  every  matrimonial  office  which  he  hath  visited,  this  depo- 
nent hath  been  actuated  by  no  feeling  of  ill-will  towards  the  said 
parties,  and  hath  visited  them  solely  to  discover  the  tricks  which  this 
deponent  believed  they  were  practising,  and  that  he  hath  made  the 
exposures  in  the  said  book,  because  he  believed  they  ought  to  be  made, 
that  the  public  may  be  warned  against  a  dangerous  institution. 

And  further  deponent  saith  not. 

ALFRED  C.  HILLS. 

Sworn  to  before  me  this  28th  day  of  February,  18o9. 

DAN'L  F.  TIEMANN,  Mayor. 


364:  APPENDIX. 


AFFIDAVIT   OF  A.    J.  MARSH. 

District  of  Columbia,  County  of  Washington,  ss. — Andrew  J. 
Marsh,  being  duly  sworn,  deposes  and  says :  That  he  has  been  lor 
two  or  three  years  last  past  a  reporter  for  the  New  York  Even- 
ing Post,  and  is  at  present  a  reporter  of  debates  in  the  Senate 
of  the  United  States  for  the  National  Intelligencer,  published  in  this 
city;  that  he  knows  Emma  Augusta  Cunningham,  otherwise  called 
Burdell;  that  he  has  seen  her  repeatedly — at  the  inquest  held  by 
Coroner  Connery,  at  New  York,  on  the  body  of  Dr.  Harvey  Burdell ; 
at  the  Tombs,  or  City  Prison,  in  New  York ;  at  the  Surrogate's  Court, 
while  contesting  her  claim  to  the  estate  of  Dr.  Burdell ;  at  the  house 
No.  31  Bond  street,  New  York,  when  she  was  brought  out  on  a  bed 
by  policemen,  to  be  taken  to  the  Tombs,  on  a  charge  of  falsely  repre- 
senting that  she  had  given  birth  to  a  child,  the  issue  of  her  marriage 
with  Dr.  Harvey  Burdell,  and  on  one  or  two  other  occasions,  when 
deponent  met  her  in  the  streets  or  public  conveyances. 

Deponent  further  says,  that  on  or  about  the  last  part  of  October,  or 
first  part  of  November,  1858,  he  was  informed  by  A.  C.  Hills,  also  a 
reporter  for  the  Evening  Post,  that  in  the  course  of  some  investiga- 
tions which  he  was  making  in  respect  to  the  business  of  Matrimonial 
Brokerage,  as  carried  on  in  New  York,  he  had  been  very  unexpectedly 
introduced  to  the  said  Mrs.  Cunningham-Burdell,  by  Mrs.  Willis,  a 
matrimonial  broker,  at  No. — ,  Forty-third  street,  who,  at  the  same 
time,  represented  to  him  that  the  said  Cunningham-Burdell  was  a 
wealthy  widow  lady.  Said  Hills  then,  and  at  subsequent  times,  related 
to  deponent,  conversations  and  occurrences  which  had  taken  place  at 
Mrs.  "Willis's  house,  at  interviews  between  himself,  under  the  assumed 
name  of  Frank  Fitzgerald,  and  the  said  Cunningham-Burdell,  substan- 
tially and  almost  literally  as  said  conversations  and  occurrences  have 
since  been  published  in  the  Evening  Post.  Said  Hills  also  solicited 
the  cooperation  of  this  deponent  in  ascertaining  where  Mrs.  Cunning- 
ham-Burdell lived,  and  in  what  business  she  was  really  engaged ;  and 
deponent  consented  to  assist  in  the  investigation,  the  more  readily 
because  he  was  apprehensive  that  some  violence  might  be  offered  to 
eaid  Hills,  when  it  might  become  highly  important  that  he  should 
have  assistance  within  call.  It  was  accordingly  arranged  between 
deponent  and  said  Hills,  that  on  a  certain  evening  in  the  month  of 


AFFIDAVITS.  365 

November,  1858,  (the  exact  date  deponent  is  not  able  to  recollect,  and 
has  no  means  at  hand  to  refresh  his  recollection),  said  Hills  was  to  go 
to  the  house  of  Mrs.  Willis  to  have  an  interview  with  said  Cunningham- 
Burdell ;  that  deponent  was  to  remain  outside  as  near  as  might  be, 
without  exciting  the  suspicions  of  those  in  the  house ;  that  if  said 
Hills  should  be  assaulted,  or  find  himself  in  danger,  he  was  to  cry  out, 
and  deponent  was  to  come  to  his  assistance ;  and  that  after  the  inter- 
view deponent  was,  if  possible,  to  ascertain  where  said  Cunningham- 
Bur  dell  might  go  to  from  the  house  of  Mrs.  Willis. 

Accordingly,  on  the  afternoon  of  the  day  appointed,  deponent  went 
to  the  house  designated,  having  first  taken  the  precaution  to  change 
his  dress,  so  that  said  Cunningham-Burdell  might  not  be  able  to 
recognize  him  as  a  reporter.  On  arriving  at  the  house  deponent 
walked  past  it,  and  observed  that  all  the  front  window-blinds  were 
closed,  except  those  of  the  basement  windows,  at  one  of  which  stood 
a  little  girl,  with  a  dejected  countenance,  who  appeared  to  have  been 
sobbing,  and  was  mopping  the  window  panes  with  her  dirty  face. 
Deponent,  after  this  hasty  examination  of  the  premises,  took  post  at 
the  door  of  a  grocery  store,  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street,  and 
a  few  doors  further  west,  whence  he  could  command  a  full  view  of  the 
house,  and  all  who  went  in  or  out.  The  first  who  went  in  was 
apparently  a  young  woman,  rather  flashily  dressed,  who  came  from 
the  direction  of  Fifth  avenue,  and  deponent  knew  from  her  figure  and 
gait  that  she  was  not  Mrs.  Cunningham. 

Almost  directly  opposite  deponent's  point  of  observation  was  a  low 
building,  hi  which  appeared  to  be  a  bar-room.  Soon  after  the  young 
lady  above-mentioned  entered  the  house  of  Mrs.  Willis,  an  elderly 
man  of  a  portly  figure,  who  had  been  passing  in  and  out  of  this  bar- 
room, appeared  at  an  upper  window  of  the  same  building,  leaned  out 
and  began  to  watch  intently,  first  this  deponent,  and  then  in  the 
direction  of  Mrs.  Willis's  house,  changing  his  gaze  from  one  side  to 
the  other  with  a  quick  motion.  Deponent  was  impressed  with  the 
idea  that  the  old  gentleman's  curiosity  had  been  excited  by  seeing 
this  deponent  watching  the  house.  But  after  about  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes  of  watching  in  this  manner,  the  old  gentleman  closed  his  win- 
dow, came  out  of  his  house,  and  strolled  leisurely  in  the  direction  of 
Mrs.  Willis's  house.  The  area  gate  of  that  house  was  open,  and  a 
couple  of  goats  were  nibbling  about  in  the  inclosure,  and,  as  the  man 
passed,  he  drove  out  the  goats  and  closed  the  gate.  He  then  passed 


366  APPENDIX. 

into  the  vacant  lot  beyond  and  adjoining  Mrs.  Willis's  house,  and  was 
out  of  deponent's  sight  about  three  minutes,  when  he  returned  to  his 
house.  As  soon  as  he  had  gone  in,  deponent  walked  by  Mrs.  Willis's 
house  again,  and  looking  through  the  vacant  lot,  observed  what 
appeared  to  be  a  gate  or  door-way  in  the  board  fence  between  the  lot 
and  the  back  yard  of  Mrs.  Willis's  house. 

It  was  at  this  time  growing  dark.  Deponent  then  crossed  to  the 
north  side  of  the  street,  and  was  walking  by  the  side  of  the  wall  of 
the  Negro  Orphan  Asylum,  when  he  observed  a  woman  walking 
rapidly  from  the  direction  of  the  Fifth  avenue,  whom,  from  her  figure 
and  gait,  as  well  as  from  the  description  of  her  dress  previously  given 
by  said  A.  C.  Hills,  he  believed  to  be  Mrs.  Cunningham-Burdell.  She 
wore  a  thick,  impenetrable  veil  over  her  face.  She  walked  directly 
to  Mrs.  Willis's  door,  rung  the  bell,  and  was  speedily  admitted. 
There  was  at  this  time  a  light  in  the  parlor,  shining  through  the 
blinds,  and  the  basement  window-blinds  were  closed.  No  light  could 
have  been  seen  through  the  latter  if  one  had  been  burning  in  the 
kitchen.  Soon  after  the  woman  supposed  to  be  Mrs.  Cunningham- 
Burdell  entered  a  light  appeared  in  the  second-story  front  room, 
immediately  over  the  parlor.  The  street  lamps  were  about  this  time 
all  lighted. 

Deponent  then  walked  up  and  down  near  the  house  for  about  an 
hour.  At  length,  while  deponent  happened  to  be  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  street,  the  front  door  of  the  house  was  opened,  and  the 
said  A.  C.  Hills  came  out,  exchanging  as  he  did  so  a  few  words  in  a 
low  tone  with  a  woman  who  appeared  to  have  given  him  egress,  and 
who  immediately  closed  the  door  behind  him.  He  came  across  the 
street,  passing  this  deponent,  and  saying  in  a  low  tone,  without  turn- 
ing his  head,  "  She's  there — all  right."  He  then  went  away  in  the 
direction  of  Sixth  avenue.  Deponent  then  took  a  position  between 
the  house  and  Fifth  avenue,  beneath  a  gas-lamp.  After  waiting  per- 
haps a  half  an  hour,  the  front  door  of  Mrs.  Willis's  house  opened  and 
a  woman  came  out  and  approached  deponent.  As  she  passed  the 
lamp,  her  veil  being  raised,  deponent  fully  recognized  her  as  Mrs. 
Cunningham-Burdell.  About  the  same  time  she  lowered  her  veil  over 
her  face,  at  the  same  time  glancing  sharply  in  the  direction  of  this 
deponent.  She  walked  briskly  to  Fifth  avenue,  and  turned  the  cor- 
ner southward ;  deponent  immediately  followed,  and  as  he  turned  the 
corner,  saw  her  standing  on  the  curb-stone.  Deponent  passed  by  her. 


AFFIDAVITS.  367 

and,  as  he  went  by,  her  veil  was  partially  laised,  and  again  he  en- 
countered her  sharp,  quick  gaze.  Deponent  would  have  been  able  to 
identify  her  fully  from  that  glance,  even  if  he  had  not  seen  her  before 
on  that  day. 

Deponent  passed  on  some  distance  and  stopped,  when  he  saw  Mrs. 
Cunningham  signal  an  omnibus,  and  get  into  it.  Deponent  took  good 
care  not  to  lose  sight  of  that  omnibus,  and  scrutinized  closely  all  who 
got  in  or  out  of  it,  until  it  reached  Broadway,  when  deponent  entered 
it  himself.  Mrs.  Cunningham-Burdell  was  sitting  on  the  front  seat  on 
the  right-hand  side,  with  her  veil  down,  and  her  face  turned  towards 
the  front  window.  She  appeared  to  be  recognized,  nevertheless,  from 
the  fact  that  deponent  saw  his  fellow-passengers  nudge  each  other 
significantly  while  looking  towards  her,  and  overheard  them  using 
such  words  as  "  Burdell"  and  "Bond  street." 

When  the  omnibus  reached  the  corner  of  Broadway  and  White 
street,  Mrs.  Cunningham-Burdell  sprung  up  suddenly  and  pulled  the 
strap  vigorously.  The  omnibus  stopped  and  she  got  out,  keeping 
her  veil  down,  and  was  soon  followed  by  this  deponent.  She  walked 
rapidly  down  White  street  towards  West  Broadway,  and  went  into  the 
house  No.  18  or  No.  20,  deponent  has  forgotten  which  number,  but 
thinks  it  was  the  latter.  Soon  after  her  entrance  a  light  shone  from 
the  windows  of  the  second  story  front  room  of  that  house. 

And  further  deponent  says  not. 

A.  J.  MARSH. 

District  of  Columbia,  City  and  County  of  Washington. — I,  John  S. 
Hollingshead,  a  Commissioner  for  the  State  of  New  York,  residing  in 
Washington  City,  in  the  County  of  Washington  and  District  of  Colum- 
bia, do  certify  that  on  the  22d  of  February,  1859,  personally  appeared 
before  me,  in  the  city  of  Washington,  in  the  county  of  Washington 
aforesaid,  A.  J.  Marsh,  who  being  duly  sworn  to  testify  the  truth, 
deposes  and  says  that  the  foregoing  statement  is  true. 

In  witness  whereof  I  have  hereunto  set  my  hand  and  official  seal  at 
Washington  City,  in  the  county  and  district  aforesaid,  this  22d  day 
of  February,  1859. 

JOHN  S.  HOLLINGSHEAD, 
A  Commissioner  for^the  State  of  New  York. 


BURT,  HUTCHINSON  &  ABBEY, 

PUBLISH    A    BOOK    OP    RARE    MERIT,    ENTITLED 

THE  RELIGIOUS  ASPECTS  OF  THE  AGE,  with  a  Glance  at  the  Church  of 
the  Present  and  the  Church  of  the  Future,  being  Addresses  delivered  at  the 
Anniversary  of  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Union  of  New  York,  on  the  13th 
and  14th  days  of  May,  1858,  by  SAMUEL  OSGOOD,  D.D.,  T.  J.  SAWYER,  D.D., 
Rev.  0.  B.  FROTHINGHAM,  Rev.  HENET  BLANCHARD,  Rev.  C.  MIEL,  Rev.  B.  F. 
BARRETT,  E.  H.  CHAPIN,  D.D.,  HENRY  W.  BELLOWS,  D.D.,  Rev.  A.  D.  MAYO, 
Rev.  T.  W.  HIGGINSON,  Rev.  B.  PETERS,  RICHARD  WARREN,  Esq.,  and  Hon. 
HORACE  GREELEY. 
To  which  is  added  the  Constitution  and  Rules  of  Order  of  the  Young  Men's 

Christian  Union  of  New*York. 

Price— In  Paper  Covers, $0  25 

On  heavy  paper  bound  in  Cloth,        .       .       .       .    0  68 
Do.         Cloth,  Full  Gilt,        .       .        .       .    1  00 


PUBLISHERS'  PREFACE.  « 

The  Anniversary  of  the  "  Young  Men's  Christian  Union  of  New  York,"  on 
the  13th  and  14th  days  of  May,  1858,  may  justly  be  considered  as  marking  an 
era  in  the  history  of  the  progress  of  the  Christian  Church  in  America ;  inas- 
much as  it  was  the  first  instance  in  which  so  many  of  the  leading  minds  in  the 
various  branches  of  the  liberal  and  progressive  portion  of  the  Christian  Church 
have  met  on  one  common  platform,  for  the  purpose  of  discussing  the  practical 
bearings  of  that  higher  type  of  Christianity  which  refuses  to  be  limited  by  any 
dogma  or  fettered  by  any  creed. 

The  occasion  was  one  of  peculiar  interest.  Such  an  array  of  talent  as  the 
speakers  presented,  would,  under  any  circumstances,  have  given  assurance  of 
a  rare  literary  feast ;  but  when  representatives  of  different  branches  of  the 
Christian  Church,  hitherto  somewhat  antagonistic,  found  themselves  side  by  side 
on  a  broad  platform  of  Christian  Charity  and  Brotherly  Love,  they  could  not 
but  draw  inspiration  from  the  occasion  as  well  as  the  soul-inspiring  themes  on 
which  they  dwelt. 

Believing  that  the  publication  of  these  addresses,  in  a  suitable  form  for  pre- 
servation, as  well  as  for  general  distribution,  will  be  rendering  a  valuable  ser- 
vice to  the  cause  of  practical  Christianity,  and  one  that  practical  Christians  all 
over  the  land  will  appreciate  and  encourage,  we  have  assumed  the  risk,  confi- 
dently relying  on  the  efforts  of  all  who  sympathize  with  the  progressive  Christ- 
ian spirit  of  the  age,  to  extend  their  circulation. 

The  "  Religious  Aspects  of  the  Age,"  with  a  glance  at  the  "  Church  of  the 
Present  and  the  Church  of  the  Future,"  is  a  subject  in  which  all  are,  or  should 


be,  interested,  and  this  title  has  been  adopted  on  account  of  its  peculiar 
adaptation  to  the  contents  of  the  book. 

To  accommodate  the  means  and  tastes  of  all,  we  publish  a  cheap  pamphlet 
Edition,  and  another  on  superior  paper,  and  neatly  bound  in  cloth. 

MARTIN  THATCHER,    i 
ORREN  HUTCHINSON,  \ PDBLISH1?R9- 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 

OPENING  ADDRESS.    By  Richard  Warren,  Esq.,  President  of  the  Union. 

THB  CATHOLICITY  OF  THE  CHURCH  OF  THE  FUTURE.    By  Samuel  Osgood,  D.D. 

THB  TRUE  BASIS  OF  CHRISTIAN  UNION.    By  Rev.  B.  F.  Barrett. 

WORSHIP — ITS  NECESSITY.    By  Rev.  B.  Peters. 

THE  CHRISTIAN  SPIRIT  OF  REFORM.    By  Horace  Greeley. 

THE  TRUE  GROUNDS  OF  CHRISTIAN  UNION.    By  Rev.  A,  D.  Mayo. 

WOMAN  IN  CHRISTIAN  CIVILIZATION.    By  Rev.  T.  W.  Higginson. 

CHRISTIA.N  UNION.    By  Rev.  C.  Miel. 

INFLUENCE  OF  THEOLOGICAL  THEORIES  UPON  THE  PRACTICAL  CONDUCT  OF  LIFE. 

By  Henry  W.  Bellows,  D.D. 

THE  RELIGION  OF  FEAR  AND  THE  RELIGION  OF  LOVE.    By  Rev.  Henry  Blanchard. 
PROPKR  TREATMENT  OF  THE  INFIDEL  TENDENCIES  OF  OUE  DAY.     By  Rev.  0.  B. 

Frothingham. 

TRUE  AND  FALSE  VIEWS  OF  EVANGELICAL  RELIGION.    By  T.  J.  Sawyer,  D.D. 
TENDENCIES  OF  TDK  AGE  FRIENDLY  TO  LARGER  VIEWS  OF  CHRISTIANITY.    By  E. 

H.  Chapin,  D.D. 
APPENDIX.    Conclusion  of  Dr.  Osgood's  Address,  in  the  form  of  a  Letter  to  the 

Publishing  Committee. 


OPINIONS    OF   THE    PRESS. 

"  It  is  a  work  of  great  merit,  and  one  which  will  furnish  a  rich  literary  feast 
to  the  reader." — Canton  Plain  Dealer. 

"  A  work  of  great  literary  value  and  practical  utility ;  the  young  will  find 
attractions  in  it,  and  the  old  instruction  and  benefit." — Black  River  Herald. 

"  It  is  worth  one  hundred  times  its  cost."—  Wisconsin  Farmer. 

"  We  commend  them  (the  Discourses)  to  our  friends  throughout  the  country." 
— Christian  Inquirer. 

"  It  is  a  valuable  book." — Literary  Oasette. 

"  This  is  a  book  which  deserves  to  be  widely  circulated." — New  York  Even- 
ing Post. 

"  They  treat  of  the  most  vital  questions  which  can  engage  men's  minds  or 
hearts,  and  look  carefully  and  seriously  into  the  present  religious  aspects  of  the 
age.  .  .  .  The  book  ought  to  have,  and  will  have,  we  believe,  an  extensive 
sale.  .  .  .  There  are  scores  of  men,  and  women  too,  we  judge,  now  called 
Deists  or  Infidels,  it  may  be,  and  who  really  reckon  themselves  as  such,  per- 
haps, who  would  rejoice  with  unspeakable  gladness  to  become  acquainted  with 
the  interpretation  of  Christianity,  or  Christian  doctrine,  and  the  Christian  life, 
rhieh  is  presented  in  this  attractive  volume,  and  without  some  new  vision 
breaks  upon  them,  they  will  wander  into  hopeless  and  confirmed  unbelief.  We 


hope  the  friends  of  liberal  Christianity  will  circulate  this  and  kindred  books 
broadcast  over  the  laud."— Star  in  the  West. 

"  Whoever  procures  and  reads  it  will  make  a  profitable  investment  of  time 
and  money." — Universalist  Quarterly. 

"  The  speakers  are  known  to  the  public,  and  are  known  to  be  men  of  distin- 
guished talents.  Here  are  thirteen  most  valuable  lectures — 179  pages,  paper 
covers,  for  the  small  sum  of  25  cents.  Order  it,  or  instead  of  spending  25  cent! 
you  will  lose  more  than  25  dollars."—  Christian  H&rald  and  Messenger. 


BURT,   HUTCHINSON   &  ABBEY, 

PUBLISHERS,  BOOKSELLERS  AND  STATIONERS, 

523  BROADWAY  (ST.  NICHOLAS  HOTEL),  N.  Y., 

Are  prepared  to  furnish  the  following  books  at  the  lowest  whole- 
sale or  retail  prices : 


Exposition  of  Universalism,  by 

Rev.  J.  D.  Williamson,  D.D.,  $0  50 
Argument  for  Christianity,  Ser- 
mons for  the  People,  each,    .      50 
Endless  Misery  Examined  and  Re- 
futed, Vision  of  Faith,  each,      50 
Crown  of  Life,        .        .        .       .  1  00 
Ely  and  Thomas'  Discussion,       .      50 
Sawyer  and  Westcott's  Discussion,     50 
Guide  to  Universalism,  by  Rev. 

T.  Whittemore,  .  .  .  1  00 
Illustrations  of  the  Parables,  by 

Rev.  T.  Whittemore,  .  .  75 
Universalist's  Book  of  Reference,  1  00 
Paige's  Commentary,  4  vols., 

each, 1  00 

Life  of  Rev.  John  Murray,  by  him- 
self,          50 

Merritt  Stanford,  by  Rev.  M. 

Ballon,    .        .        .        .       *      50 
S.  R.  Smith,  by  ReT.  T.  J.  Saw- 
yer, D.D.,       .        .        .        .  1  00 
H.  B.  Soule,  by  his  Widow,       .  1  00 
J.  M.  Cook,  by  his  Brother,      .  1  00 
Hosea  Ballou,  by  his  Son,         .  1  00 
Hosea  Ballou,  by  Rev.  T.  Whit- 
temore, 4  vols.,      .  .  4  00 
Henry  Bacon,    .        .  .  1  00 
E.  M.  Wooley,            .                .  1  00 
Ballou    on    Atonement— do     on 

Parables,  each,      .  .      50 

Ballou's  Lecture    Sermons    and 

Select  Sermons,  each,  .      75 

Balfour's  Inquiries,  2  vols.,  each,  1  00 
Autobiography    of    Rev.    A.    0. 

Thomas,  .  .  .  .  1  00 
Autobiography  of  Rev.  T.  Clapp,  1  25 
Universalist  Belief,  by  Rev.  A. 

Moore 50 


Universalism  the  Doctrine  of  the 

Bible, $0  50 

Memoirs  of  the  Rev.  N.  Stacy,  by 

himself, 1  00 

U.  S.  Convention  Sermons,  with 

portraits,  .  .  .  .  1  50 
Family  Prayer  Book,  by  Rev.  0. 

A.  Skinner,  ....  50 
Thayer  on  Infidelity,  .  .  .  1  00 
Memoir  of  Mrs.  J.  H.  Scott,  by 

Mrs.  C.  M.  Sawyer,        .        .  1  00 
Mrs.  C.  E.  Mayo,  by  her  Hus- 
band,       1  00 

Charlotte  Jerauld,  by  Rev.  H. 

Bacon 1  00 

Merchant's  Widow,  by  Mrs.  C.  M. 

Sawyer,  ....  40 
Friendless,  by  Mrs.  F.  M.  Baker,  40 
Louisa  Murray,  ....  88 
The  Early  Days  of  Rev.  Thomas 

Whittemore,  .        .        .  1  00 

The  U.  S.   Convention  Sermons 

for  1858,  .  .  .  .  1  00 
Moral  Aspects  of  City  Life,  by 

Rev.  E.  H.  Chapin,  D.D.,  .  63 
True  Manliness,  by  Rev.  E.  H. 

Chapin,  D.D.  ...  68 
Discourses  on  the  Lord's  Prayer, 

by  Rev.  E.  H.  Chapin,  D.D.,  63 
Discourses  on  the  Beatitudes, 

by  Rev.  E.  H.  Chapin,  D.D.  50 
Characters  in  the  Gospels,  by  Rev. 

E.  H.  Chapin,  D.D.,  .  .  50 
Humanity  in  the  City,  by  Rev.  E. 

H.  Chapin,  D.D.,  .        .      75 

And  all  the  published  works 

of  Dr.  Chapin. 
Ireland  as  I  Saw  It,  by  Rev  W.  S. 

balch,        .    .        ;        .        .  1  00 


Law  of  Kindness,  by  Rev.  G.  W. 

Montgomery,        .        .        .  $0  50 
Austin  on  the  Attributes,     .        .      63 
Voice  to  Youth,  Voice  to  the  Mar- 
ried, by  Rev.  M.  Austin,  each,      68 
Beauty  of  Kindness,  by  Rev.  D. 

K.  Lee 50 

Summerfield,  by  Rev.  D.  K.  Lee.      75 
Merrimack,   Master  Builder,  by 

Rev.  D.  K.  Lee,  each,  .  .  1  00 
Book  of  Promises,  ...  25 
Pastor's  Request,  by  Henry 

Bacon, 1  00 

Sheaf  from  a  Pastor's  Field,  by  H. 

0.  Leonard,  .  .  .  .  1  00 
Beechdale,  by  Kate  Carlton,  .  50 
Gospel  Liturgy,  .  .  50 

Gospel  Sermons,  .        .        .  1  00 

Christian  Helper,  Vols.  II.  and 

III.  each,  .  .  .  .  1  00 
Life,  Present  and  Future,  by  Rev. 

J.  H.  Tuttle,  ...      60 

A  Lady's  Diary  of  the  Siege  of 

Lucknow,  ....  50 
Commentary  on  Revelations,  by 

Rev.  T.  Whittemore^  .  .  1  00 
Pro  and  Con  of  Universalism,  .  1  00 
Smith  on  Divine  Government.  •  .  1  00 
Pagan  Origin  of  the  Doctrine  of 

Endless  Punishment,  .  .  75 
Lily  of  the  Valley  for  1859,  .  1  50 

Register  and  Almanac  for  1859,       12J 
Religious    Aspects    of   the    Age, 

paper, 25 

do.       do.        cloth,      .        .      68 
Do.        do.        cloth,  full  gilt,  1  00 
Writings  of  Rev.  Theodore  Clapp. 
Paige's  Selections,  (new  edition),  1  00 
Sabbath  School  Books, 
Hymn  Books,   and  many  others 

too  numerous  to  mention. 
Shahmah  in  Pursuit  of  Freedom,  1  25 
Symbols  of  the  Capital ;  or,  Civi- 
lization in  New  York,  by  Rev. 
A.  D.  Mayo,  .        .        .  1  00 

Matrimonial   Brokerage    in   the 
Metropolis,  by  a  Reporter  of 
the  New  York  Press,      .        .  1  00 
Selections  from  the  Works  of  Win. 

E.  Channing,  D.D.,  .  .  60 
Unitarian  Principles  Confirmed 

by  Trinitarian  Testimonies,  1  00 
Channing's  Memoirs,  3  vols.,  .  1  50 


Norton's  Statement  of  Reasons,$l  00 
Theological  Essays  from  various 

authors,  .  .  .  .  1  00 
Sacerdotal  and  Spiritual  Christi- 
anity, by  Rev.  James  Marti- 

neau, 1  00 

Altar  at  Home,  ....  50 
Christian  Doctrine  of  Prayer,  by 

J.  Freeman  Clarke,  .  .  50 
The  Rod  and  the  Staff,  by  Rev.  T. 

T.  Stone,  ....  60 
The  Harp  and  the  Cross,  by  Rev. 

S.  G.  Bulflnch,  ...  60 
Athanasia ;  or,  Foregleams  of  Im- 
mortality, by  Rev.  E.  H. 

Sears, 60 

Stormy  Sundays,  ...  60 
Regeneration,  by  Rev.  E.  H.  Scars,  86 
The  Christian  Body  and  Form,  by 

Rev.  0.  A.  Bartol,  .  .  85 
Early  Piety ;  or,  Recollections  of 

Harriet  B ,  ...  16 

Sin  and  its  Consequences,  .  .  15 
The  Memoir  and  Writings  of 

James    Handasyd    Perkins. 

Edited  byWm.  H.  Canning, 

2  vols.,  .  .  .  .150 

Endeavors  After  the  Christian 

Life,  by  James  Martineau,  .  6fl- 
Observations  on  the  Bible,  for 

the  Use  of  Young  Persons,  .  88 
Christian  Aspects  of  Faith  and 

Duty,  by  John  J.  Tayler,  .  80 
Doctrinal  Lectures,  by  Rev.  Wm. 

G.  Elliot,  ...  .25 
The  Discipline  of  Sorrow,  .  .  80 
The  Gospel  Narratives,  by  Rev. 

H.  A.  Miles,  ...  25 

Grains  of  Gold— Selections  from 

Bartol, 20 

History  of  the  Cross,  by  Rev. 

William  R.  Alger,  .  .  15 

Channing's  Works,  3  vols.,  .  2  00 

Genuineness  of  the  Gospels,  3 

vols.,  by  Norton,  .  .  4  00 

Bible  News  of  the  Father,  Son, 

and    Holy  Spirit,  by  Noah 

Worcester,  ....  86 
Furness'  Discourses,  .  .  .  1  00 
Thoughts  on  Jesus  of  Nazareth, 

by  Furness,  .  .  .  1  00 

Livermore's  Commentaries,  4 

vols., 8  00 


They  are  also  prepared  to  furnish  Miscellaneous,  School  and  Ju- 
venile Books  and  Stationery,  on  the  best  terms.  Books  sent  by 
mail,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  the  retail  price. 


r* 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

OVERDUE. 


LD21-100m-7,'40  (6936s) 


J 


M84158 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


